Pain Today

[Yoli]

Nearly three months in and the pain seems to be deepening. So called friends not making contact when I need them the most. Work colleagues still not acknowledging my loss. Mindless, trivial office conversations make me want to scream and lash out. People expecting me to make decisions like moving house/city. Being with couples who complain the other snores. Being with couples who call each other Babe and Hon, have that secret eye contact or discreet touch. A counselor asking me what I expected to get out of the sessions - you are the damn professional, you tell me. People saying if you need anything just call, no you call me - reaching out continually is exhausting.

[Beverly Graham]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that, but sadly, I know the feeling...my own brother and sister were supportive for the first few days, but afterwards when I started breaking down over the phone, instead of being extra compassionate and checking up on me more, they suddenly disappeared. Lots of friends also said the same thing...."If you need anything, call me." It's surprising and sad how apathetic people can be...especially when you're grieving and falling apart and need all the support you can grab on to.

[Yoli]

Thank you Bev. I commented to someone today who lost her husband, that I could feel people pulling away. They unsubtly change the subject as if I won't notice....I have lost my partner not my intelligence. I don't know how people cannot see how much pain we are in. It is so intense that I think surely it must be tangible to them. Is it not radiating out of us. Maybe they are just glad it is us and not them. 

I am sorry your brother and sister are not being supportive. I wish I had a magic answer for you. Hopefully they will reflect and have a change of heart. 

This experience has shone a light on the true meaning of friendship for me. Some have stepped up and others have fallen into the abyss.

[KayC]

@Yoli  Oh wow, everything you wrote reminds me of my early journey, what I experienced, how people were to me.  I'm so sorry, I wouldn't wish this on anyone!  Our friends disappeared on me overnight, my best friends not even bothering to come to his funeral!  My heart goes out to those whose losses occur during this COVID time as they go through it so much alone, making the most difficult situation in the world even harder yet.

Everything you say is common, unfortunately.  Grief has a way of rewriting our address book.  Keep coming here and expressing yourself, it helps!  We're here, listening.