Ashley

[tkuzma]

Hi, my name is Tammy, new to the site. First of all let me say that I am sad to hear of everyone's loss on this entire website. It is devastating to go through the loss of a child no matter the age or circumstance. My heart goes out to each and everyone that is going through "The Great Sadness". We all know that words cannot describe the pain that each of us are going through. The absence is overwhelming and our hearts have been touched. Nothing to fill the void of each new day that dawns. I would have never dreamed in a million years that I would be posting on this grieving site. Never would have believed looking at my daughter's baby pictures that I would only have 25 years with her. I now find myself looking at young children with their mothers wondering how long they will live. I lost my mother 2 yrs ago two days before Mother's Day in Hospice Home. I was just learning to deal with her absence when my daughter went to join her. I called my daughter Ashley at 4:12pm on Thursday, June 3rd, 2010 to see where she was. She was getting ready to leave the grocery store from a day of couponing. She was really good at that. She would pay $40 and walk out with over a $100 worth of groceries. We spoke for a couple of minutes and she said she was on her way home. I remember her saying "great, it's getting ready to rain." I told her to be careful and I would see her at home. About 3 minutes from the grocery store heading home a storm hit with a down pour of heavy rain and her Ford Explorer hydroplaned and ran off the road into a deep ditch and she struck a huge oak tree and she went through the windshield and was killed instantly. The state Trooper said a witness reported the accident at 4:20pm. My daughter was dead within 4 to 5 minutes after our conversation. I'll never forget the State Trooper standing on my front porch steps telling my husband and I that she had been in an accident. I thought it was nothing and asked how she was expecting him to tell me what hospital they had taken her to and then he said "I'm sorry, she didn't survive the accident." I remember hanging on to the rails of my porch thinking Oh my God, then thinking she is with mama. Of course, I had to drag the trooper in my house and show him a picture of her and say "Is this her?" Of course he said "yes." I was shaking so bad that I couldn't hold nothing in my hands. I then ask the State Trooper "ok, think, what do we do now? Hospital, we need to go to the hospital. Where did they take her?" He told me, then he said "Ma'm, Do what you feel you need to do but I am telling you that you do not need to go to the hospital." He looked as if he was about to tear up. In other words the accident was very traumatic and he did not want me to see my daughter. I immediately stopped shaking and I became very calm. The State Trooper stayed with us for a couple of hours. I kept telling him we were ok that he could go but he just kept standing on my front porch with tears in his eyes. I was so touched by him wanting to be there for us. A complete stranger that entered into our lives for this tragedy. We never viewed my daughter nor the car. We cremated her and her ashes remain in my home. I called the highway patrol to thank them 5 days later for the care and concern the trooper showed me and my family. The next morning at 7:30am Trooper Holbrook was knocking on my door. I told him I was ok and told him I knew where my daughter was, that she was Home with God and my mother. I showed him the obituary I wrote for her. Tears in his eyes he said "I'll show you where your daughter is." He pulled out his cell phone and on it he had a picture of the tree she hit. He said with hands trembling "I would never show you anything to hurt you. I couldn't say anything the day of the accident because I didn't know your faith. This picture was taken by the fire department chief who said as he took it, "For those people who don't believe in God, this will make them." He showed me high in the tree was the sign of a white cross. He said in all his 17yrs as a state trooper that he had never witnessed anything like it at the scene of an accident. That is why he could not leave us that evening. He saw my face for 3 days and could not get me out of his head. The cross was there only hours after the accident. God was showing us that he took her HOME then everything was washed clean. What a miracle we were shown in a time of heartbreak and tragedy. I think I have done really good considering the circumstances but now a year later it has effected me with greater pain than before. 4 days after her 1yr I felt as though I had a light stroke but all the CT scans and blood work were normal. They say I have post traumatic stress syndrome. I have taken a leave from work in which I did not after her death. I had so many wonderful tiny miracles happen after she died and now there is nothing but extreme sadness and pain. I hope I haven't rambled on too much, but before I go, I would like to share what I wrote in part of her obituary . Thank you for listening. May your lives be filled with abundance, peace and love Every Day. God bless.

A note from Ashley’s mom:

Our life is not measured by the material things we have in this world. Our lives are measured by the love and compassion we give to each other as individuals. It’s the love that comes from our spiritual bodies that enlighten us and shows a path that we must follow. Through my eyes I see a world of many colors, not race, nor creed, but of simple layout. I see the exterior and interior impressions that light our aura. I see the color purple, the cloak of our majesty, Jesus Christ our Lord. I see the color green, the sign of healing for our internal bodies. I see pink and yellow, the pastel colors of warmth that soothes our chakras. I feel a sense of ease that calms me from within: a peaceful feeling that comforts me. My God is a loving God. He does not punish, he does not hurt. He gives us our own passage ways and we choose which path we take. Our spirit is from God and we go back to God for eternity. My faith and my strength are through him. I know Ashley is with us all in spirit but I yearn to reach out and touch her. I feel sadness and void that she is gone from my sight. I feel the world is incomplete without her. I know Ashley is surrounded by loved ones and I know her spirit was taken before the accident. I ask that you remember her with a smile on your face and joy in your heart. I ask that you light a candle and set it next to a picture of her to say “I remember you.”

[aim630]

Tammy-I'm so sorry you lost your daughter Ashley. My 23 yr old daughter, also Ashley, died 2-9-10, from complications of pneumonia and H1N1. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. The other parents and grandparents here have been a life saver for me. They truly understand what we are going through. I hope you come to the Loss of an Adult Child board and tell us more about your Ashley and post a picture of her.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[tkuzma]

Amy, thank you for your kind words. I am sad to hear of your daughter also. I am glad I found this website. Where is the loss of an adult child board. I did not see it on the forum unless I missed it somehow. Did I post in the wrong area? I am new at this. I don't even do face book. lol. Ashley always downloaded my pictures to my computer and set up files for me. She showed me how to do it but I never really paid attention because I knew I would always have her do it but that's not an option anymore. I'll have to look up the help menu to figure out how to post a picture too. Thanks for your help. It is nice to get a response so quickly.

Tammy-I'm so sorry you lost your daughter Ashley. My 23 yr old daughter, also Ashley, died 2-9-10, from complications of pneumonia and H1N1. I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. The other parents and grandparents here have been a life saver for me. They truly understand what we are going through. I hope you come to the Loss of an Adult Child board and tell us more about your Ashley and post a picture of her.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

Tammy-When you look at the list of topics under Loss of Child, there is a thread for Loss of Adult Child. You didn't pos t in the wrong area, that thread is just more active. I'm glad the trooper stayed with you and showed you the picture of the cross. Even though you were not ready to lose her, God was welcoming her with open arms. People would probably think I'm dealing with this really well, but they only see what I let them. I'm glad you did not have a stroke, but I understand the post-traumatic stress syndrome. Ashley was hospitalized for 3 months, 2 of those in a medically induced coma. She was recovering and just beginning physical therapy, when her heart suddenly stopped, probably because of a blood clot. I spent the first 2 months under extreme stress, then had let my guard down and this happened. The thing that helps me the most is coming here and reading what others hav to say because they understand.

Amy/Ashley's mom