Lost my dad a year ago and it feels like the pain just gets worse

[JustR]

I lost my dad about a year ago and I feel like the pain only gets worse. When it happened I felt so alone and lost, he was the person I went to for everything and even though we had been living in different cities for a few years at that point, we talked every day. I spent so much of my life being defined by him; I I looked like him, talked like him, I walked like him. When he was gone I felt like I no longer knew who I was. 

To make matters worse, that same month, my grandparents who I had been living with for 5-6 years suddenly kicked me out and gave me only 5 days to leave. I was 19 at the time and starting a new job. Finding a place to live at 19 with limited cash on hand, no credit, and less than a week with your current employer is nearly impossible. I was scheduled to work all 5 of those days and in between shifts I had to make time to set up meetings, meet people renting rooms, and calling practically every person in my contact list asking for help in the case that I couldn't find something. I slept maybe 2 nights during this and only for a few hours at a time, all while dealing with the crushing weight of the loss of my dad which hadn't yet even begun to feel real. I felt like I aged 20 years in those 5 days from stress alone. 

On the 6th day I crashed at my brother's (the plan after that was sleeping in my car) and almost miraculously some people from Craigslist were willing to let me move in the next day. The next few months were hard and I struggled a lot, often going on late night walks just to be alone and cry. After that period I had begun to stabilize and was able to start enjoying life a little, or at least be comfortable in it, just occasionally taking time to grieve. 

But as I approach the year mark it all feels crushing. I feel like everybody expects me to be 'back to normal' and I just can't. It has strained my relationship with my job and I feel like I can't keep up with the world's financial and social expectations of me. I need time but I can't afford it, especially now. There's something that hurts about how much our world has changed and he had no idea; he probably had never heard the word coronavirus and now it's the #1 thing affecting everyone's life. He's the one person I would want to talk to about all this stuff and he's gone. He's the one person I want to talk to about grieving....but he's the one that died.

In a lot of ways the pain feels more debilitating than it did when it first happened. Back then it felt like some part of him was still on this Earth, or in the air around me. That he was dead but wasn't gone. Now it's been a year and my mind has accepted that he is. And I feel even more truly and utterly alone. 

I find myself constantly worrying that I'll lose someone else; I think constantly about my mother and my partner and I fear that if I ever lose either I will be completely unable to function. The fear grips me and I have to be very careful to not let it manifest as anxiety and over protectiveness. 

I don't know what my next steps are, I wish I could just wake up one day and be at peace. 

-R

[Peony]

I lost my mother nearly 7 months ago and we also didn't live in the same town but spoke on the phone each day sometimes for hours.  I am still in the early stages of grief and I think you are too, a year is not long at all.  You had a huge life change with the loss of your dad and then losing your home and security, you have been through more in a year than most people do over a few years. I know from previous traumas that i have experienced, the 'anniversaries' of that trauma, like one year or 2 years and even each year after i have felt a deep sadness and find myself sinking back into the despair i felt when the actual event happened, like it JUST happened and the shock hits again.  I think our inner self remembers it and it comes flooding back.  It helps to talk about it and even write down how you feel, or post here.   I can really relate to what you said about the pandemic and our loved ones not being here for that, how different the world is.  I wonder how my mother would have dealt with all this, i would have spent a lot of time reassuring her and getting her shopping delivered etc.  I feel like I can't talk about my grief to my friends because of what the world is going through and what everyone is having to deal with right now.  I feel the same that the irony is the one person who I need to talk to about how i feel is my mother.  Anxiety of losing other loved ones is very real and i have experienced that feeling of waiting for the next disaster.  The unthinkable happened, we lost our parent and it shakes our very core.  You have managed to get to a year with resilience, strength and determination. Just take one day at a time, looking too far ahead is way too much and overwhelming. There is no time line for grief so ignore those who seem to expect you to be further along....no one knows how this feels unless they have been through it and even then, it's unique and individual to you. I also find books about grief and loss written by counselors help me when I feel lost, just to know that others are going through similar journey's helps us not to feel so isolated.

Anyway, i just wanted you to know that you are not alone,   make sure you spend time with people who understand and care about you, and crying is a good release, i do it a lot!

So sorry for the loss of your dad and for what you are going through, I hope you can find some peace in the coming days.