My fiance passed away

[Beverly Graham]

My fiance just passed away 5 days ago, and I'm so heartbroken because it was so sudden. Never in my life have I ever felt this much pain...it's worst than all the physical pain I've ever felt put together. I feel like I'm going to have a severe mental breakdown, and I have a tightness in my chest from all this grieving, like I can't breathe. When I have very bad moments of pining I feel like I just want to die instead of going through this for the rest of my life. If not for my 2 sons, I honestly know that I would have taken my own life by now, because the intense pain is just too much to wake up to everyday.

[Gail 8588]

Bev, 

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that can ease the pain right now. You just have to do your best to get through this moment, this hour, this day. 

If you have friends and family you can lean on, let them help you.  Hug your boys.  The love you have for them will nourish your soul. 

Come here to vent, or cry out, or just read.  Sadly, we are all on this journey of coping with a most terrible loss. 

Try to eat, sleep, be kind to yourself.  One day at a time.

Peace,

Gail

 

[KayC]

Bev, I am so sorry, your loss is tremendous and grief all consuming at this time.  You are feeling just as most of us did right after they died, we didn't know where to start, how to get through this.  I remember it as a terrifying time, I didn't know how I could do it.  I am glad you have your sons as incentive.  My children, although grown, were my incentive to keep living.  I encourage anyone who feels like taking their life to reach out for help, to hang in there and give it a chance to reach another place where they do feel better about life.  It does not happen overnight or easily, but you can do it.  Meanwhile, we'll be here, listening, supporting you on your journey, if you wish us to.

I wrote this based on the things I'd found helpful in the first ten years of my journey, I hope something in it helps you today, and something else perhaps later on down the road.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[widower2]

Although I lost the love of my life, as they say every loss is unique, and I at best have only a ballpark idea of what you're going through...esp to lose a fiancee. I can't imagine. You also look a good bit younger than I was at the time. I'm so sorry. I am glad you have your sons, I think they will be your saving grace to put it mildly. Partly because they are there for you and give you a loving support (and distraction!) that you need, but also they give you no choice, you HAVE to keep going for their sake; it forces you not to focus only on you all the time, even though you've well earned that right. Not saying this is the same thing obviously but when I lost my love I "inherited" her dog, who we were both close to. He was like a lifeline in those unsteady times and similar in that I had to go on for his sake.

What KayC and Gail said above really covers it generally. I wish you as much peace and as little pain as possible in these darkest of days. As KayC said, day at a time...it's an old cliche but very true. Try to keep busy (again your sons will help there)!

[Beverly Graham]

Thank you so much @Gail 8588 , @KayC and @widower2 for your kind words.
It's been 9 days since my soulmate has been gone, and I still can't believe that this has happened. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out and I'm just existing...half dead.
I miss our daily texts and calls so bad; not a day went by in the time we've been together without me getting a "Good morning, beautiful" text from him...and now it's suddenly stopped.
It kills me inside so much when I look at his pictures and messages and listen to his voicemail clips, so I've had to stop doing that for now because I can't bear it.
The pain is just so intense...I need him right here right now...I need him in my life to give me strength. We had so many plans and now they'll never be.
I know for certain that I need grief counseling to get through this, but with this pandemic going on...I don't think any help is available. I feel so helpless and lost.


 

[KayC]

Bev, it's beyond shocking, it's too much for our brains to grasp at once, it takes a long, long time to process this, let alone learn to adjust and cope.  Give yourself time, be extra kind and understanding of yourself, very patient.  Keep coming here, it helps to express yourself, esp. in a safe place where others get it.  We're listening...

[widower2]

On 8/1/2020 at 9:56 PM, Bev Graham said:

Thank you so much @Gail 8588 , @KayC and @widower2 for your kind words.
It's been 9 days since my soulmate has been gone, and I still can't believe that this has happened. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out and I'm just existing...half dead.
I miss our daily texts and calls so bad; not a day went by in the time we've been together without me getting a "Good morning, beautiful" text from him...and now it's suddenly stopped.
It kills me inside so much when I look at his pictures and messages and listen to his voicemail clips, so I've had to stop doing that for now because I can't bear it.
The pain is just so intense...I need him right here right now...I need him in my life to give me strength. We had so many plans and now they'll never be.
I know for certain that I need grief counseling to get through this, but with this pandemic going on...I don't think any help is available. I feel so helpless and lost.
 

A lot of places offer remote therapy now online; not quite the same as being in person, but a lot better than nothing. Please consider checking that out.

Meanwhile, if I may suggest, try and stay busy, and in touch with whoever, however. And I know it's a tired cliche but it's true, day at at time. But regardless, bottom line, do what works for you. Everyone's journey is as unique as a snowflake. If getting together with family and/or friends helps, do it. if you'd rather be alone, be alone. If you want/need to listen to uplifting music or watch uplifting movies, do it. If you'd rather listen to sad music or movies and "let it all hang out," do it!  Again whatever works!  

[KayC]

16 hours ago, widower2 said:

A lot of places offer remote therapy now online; not quite the same as being in person, but a lot better than nothing. Please consider checking that out.

Meanwhile, if I may suggest, try and stay busy, and in touch with whoever, however. And I know it's a tired cliche but it's true, day at at time. But regardless, bottom line, do what works for you. Everyone's journey is as unique as a snowflake. If getting together with family and/or friends helps, do it. if you'd rather be alone, be alone. If you want/need to listen to uplifting music or watch uplifting movies, do it. If you'd rather listen to sad music or movies and "let it all hang out," do it!  Again whatever works!  

Framable!