Suffering for years...don't be me

[widower2]

As you may already know, dealing with this takes time and it's a gradual thing...and it's different for everyone. There are no timelines and it's foolish to try and impose any on yourself. Some people can regroup quicker than others, and it doesn't speak well or badly of anyone either way, or the person they lost, the relationship, etc. Again, we're simply all just different. Naturally you want to regroup as quickly as possible for the simple obvious reason that nobody likes to be in pain.

But if months turn into years and you're making little to no progress, it's time to do something different. For your own sake, don't just sit there. You deserve better. Therapy is an obvious choice to try.  But also maybe a new hobby, job, or possibly even home/hometown, or some combo of them. Just don't sit there mired in the quicksand.

I say this as a quicksand expert. It's been almost nine years.

NINE GD years. 

And though it's not as searing as it was, I haven't really dealt with this or "moved on" (God I hate that expression). I'm stuck. And frankly I don't seem to care. I'm not trying to frighten anyone - or maybe I am? I only want to say don't be me. If you feel stuck, don't just sit there staying stuck. TRY SOMETHING. Try therapy, a new hobby, or job, or even possibly even consider a new home/home town.

I have been stagnant for years now and wasted that many years. I can never get them back. Is that what you want to be able to say years from now? Is that what your loved one would want you to be able to say?

MOVE, dammit.  Don't stay there wallowing in self pity, despite having plenty of reason to do so. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Thanks for the post. 

My wonderful husband died 3 and 1/2 years ago.  I know I will never stop loving him, but I do think I need to start living again. 

I have barely been going through the motions of life for years now.  This pandemic has made it even more difficult as I have been very isolated for most of the past 6 months.  Even my dog died.  Sounds like a country song. 

I encourage you to make a plan to change your life.  Don't stay stuck.  Let's find a way back to life. 

Peace

Gail 

[widower2]

I hope you don't take it wrong when I smiled at the "sounds like a country song" part   I put my (our) beloved dog down about a year and a half ago. I think that caused a serious relapse. We were both close to him and he was my last tangible link to her (her family and our so-called "friends" aren't a factor). And he was such a sweet dog...I see his face looking at me still, esp when I had to go to work and leave him alone in the house all day, which I know bothered him a lot and he looked at me as I went out the front door with those sad eyes. I feel like i've just been so good at letting those I love down. 

[Gail 8588]

Boomer was a sweet beagle.  We got him as a puppy in 2005 as our last family dog before our 2 sons both left the nest. When John died in 2017 Boomer was on his way 12 years old, quite old for a beagle. I honestly think he stayed with me for 3 more years because he knew I was too fragile to cope with losing him.  That may sound silly, but he was a huge comfort to me. He just died the beginning of this month and my house is emptier than ever.

I am not sure what my plan will be, but just staying home alone month after month is not a healthy life plan.  Being on this site at 2:00 am is not a healthy choice either.  I need to get a life. 

Take care.

Gail

[foreverhis]

Some time ago, one of our members posted a link to Nora McInerny's TED Talk about "moving forward" versus "moving on."  The difference is huge and most people who haven't been in our shoes don't understand that.  I'll post it here again in case some of what she talks about resonates with you.  She is speaking from first-hand experience as a young widow (hate, hate, hate the terms widow and widower) and brings a bit of humor into it, which I like and which seemed to offend a few others.  Even though I am decades older than she, I found so much of it to be universal to all of us who have lost the loves of our lives.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw&feature=youtu.be

 

[Tash B]

Thank you for this advice, I think it’s so easy to get caught up in grief and it consumes every existence and being about you. I think that’s great advice and honestly as a new widow will take that to my heart and keep it in the back of my mind. 

[Missy1]

But if months turn into years and you're making little to no progress, it's time to do something different. For your own sake, don't just sit there. You deserve better. Therapy is an obvious choice to try.  But also maybe a new hobby, job, or possibly even home/hometown, or some combo of them. Just don't sit there mired in the quicksand.
 

That is beautiful, please remember we all have our own timeline, some of us need to stow away, Yes months or years to stop the bleeding from our soul being torn away. Some of us are in bad shape emotionally and yes mentally fragile. Some are able to go out and learn how to live in this new existence. It’s not a waste of time to me, to hunker down alone. I am not ready and feel like I may never be at this point. Glad you are feeling better and ready to join life. 

[widower2]

 

On 7/27/2020 at 11:36 PM, Missy1 said:

But if months turn into years and you're making little to no progress, it's time to do something different. For your own sake, don't just sit there. You deserve better.

That's more than a little debatable, but thanks -

 

Quote

Therapy is an obvious choice to try.  But also maybe a new hobby, job, or possibly even home/hometown, or some combo of them.

Been there/done that.

 

Quote

 I am not ready and feel like I may never be at this point. 

That's understandable. But - thank goodness - you are not me. You're about 6 months in. There are no pat timelines of course, but that's still relatively recent. You need to give yourself time.

[Autocharge]

On 7/26/2020 at 11:05 PM, widower2 said:

TRY SOMETHING. Try therapy, a new hobby, or job, or even possibly even consider a new home/home town.

 

 

 

Read the start of my thread.

I "pushed myself, faced my fears, got out of my normal, tried new things, tried to find new normal,". I did every thing you mentioned except counseling and moving,I think.

What has it got me? I now have a life that I'm unsure about. It's not the life I had as "married man(family man)". I don't think I will ever have that bliss again (wow was it good).

I still miss my wife everyday. The days are easier than the the first ones. The future is unknown and scary. Im still looking for happiness all the time not just for brief moments.

I fell as if I'm not living life to the fullest. I wanted the "Bicentennial Man " ending, if you have seen the movie.

Sorry I started ranting again.

I don't have an answer. I don't think their is a correct answer. of "what you should do"

Am I doing better than I was during the first year, after the loss of my wife? ( YES)

Am I as happy or happier than during the first year, after the loss of my wife? ( YES)

Am I living life to the fullest after the first year, after the loss of my wife? ( probably not)

Am I more comfortable talking about my wife than during the first year, after the loss of my wife?(YES)

Am I still as Alone as I was during the first year, after the loss of my wife? (No , but I do fell it at Times)

Am I looking forward to the next Day more than during the first year after, the loss of my wife? ( YES)

Am I Questioning myself as much as during the first year after the loss of my wife? (No)

Am I as scared as I was during the first year after the loss of my wife?(No)

Am I dreaming of her like I was during the first year after the loss of my wife? (No, not in a long time, makes me sad I wish I was.)

Am I remembering her like I was during the first year after the loss of my wife? (Yes, I remember it all)

Autocharge

 

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I "pushed myself, faced my fears, got out of my normal, tried new things, tried to find new normal,". I did every thing you mentioned except counseling and moving,I think.

What has it got me? 

Autocharged, thanks for posting here.  What you summarized, regarding your experiences, reflects both how hard it is to return to fully living in the world, and that you are in fact making some progress.  That is a huge help to me.  To be aware of your efforts and your success, even if it is limited success. 

I don't think I have faced my fears and pushed myself to find a new normal.  Three and a half years have gone by and I am only a shadow of a person.

I had planned to push myself forward in 2020, but then the pandemic brought to a halt my plans for being more socially engaged, volunteering, putting myself out there.  Instead, the pandemic drove me into isolation, which has really not been good for my mental health. Too much alone time.

I am trying to figure out how to re-engage with life while living in isolation. I am sort of grasping at straws here, but I am hoping somehow a life will develop if just try something.  So I have just started piano lessons.  Like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, maybe in 6 months or a year of practicing here at home, I'll amaze folks when I can once again be with people.  Maybe I will just be proud of myself for learning something new.  I don't know, this may be just stupid, but until I think of something better, I will work at this. 

Anyway, I just want to thank you for your posts about how you have been trying to be engaged with life. Sometimes it may feel to you that it's one step forward and two steps back.  But it looks to me that you are making real progress.  I wish I could answer as many of your questions with the positive response you gave.  I am not there yet.  But I hope I am on my way.

Gail

  

 

[Autocharge]

11 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't think I have faced my fears and pushed myself

Gail

When facing your fears, brace yourself for the emotions.

Only bye pushing yourself will you know how strong you are.

Autocharge

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I wanted the "Bicentennial Man " ending, if you have seen the movie

Oh my gosh, yes.  I really enjoyed the movie and felt it was so unfair that we didn't get that ending.  And yet, we did get that love--and that's worth more to me than all the diamonds in the world.  Have you seen What Dreams May Come?  IMO, it's a beautiful movie about soulmates and eternity.  I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to watch it again, but it was on late one night and decided to try.  I cried--a lot--yet it does have such a positive message, especially about the meaning of eternal love.

3 hours ago, Autocharge said:

I still miss my wife everyday. The days are easier than the the first ones. The future is unknown and scary.

I miss my husband every minute of every day, but he is no longer the only thought I have.  Sometimes he's front and center; other times his presence is strong, but not the only thing in my mind; still other times, he's in the back of my heart and mind gently.  But he is always there and always will be.  How could it be otherwise?

Yes, it is easier most of the time than it was in the first year or so.  It's not that my heart is healed as that's not possible.  It's not that I'm in a different place.  It's that my grief has softened and my heart has allowed itself to see those bits of light and hope.  It's that I am learning to move forward, ever so slowly, carrying my grief and my love with me.  It's that I've strengthened my faith (not religion) believing that there are things we do not know or understand in this mysterious universe and that we will be reunited when it's my time.

I try not to look too far into the future because that is still painful.  I look at today and often at the near future, but never far down the path.  It's simply not wise because it's one of the things that is scary to me.

I have stopped trying to compare myself as I am to where my brain thinks I should be.  I have always been my own worst critic.

 

[Gail 8588]

Autocharged,

I think the emotions are there even when I don't face my fears.  That's part of the problem.

One of my fears is for my own personal safety.  When I was married, I had a protector.  Without him I feel so vulnerable.  Not just the idea of being the victim of some criminal, but of being sick with no support, or having an injury and no one to find me.  It's just in my mind, but it is debilitating to have that fear all the time.  I live in a reasonably safe town, I don't climb up ladders or use a chainsaw, I am reasonably healthy.  So my fears of crime or accident or illness are not reality based. But there is a fundamental security in facing the world with your life partner by your side that is absent when you are alone.

I don't know how to fix this.  I am hoping it will get better with time.

I don't see how becoming more engaged in life could make it worse than it is now.  So I am all for finding a way forward.

Gail

 

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

my fears of crime or accident or illness are not reality based.

Of course they are. Not about a specific thing happening but of anything happening in general. Fear of something happening to you and being alone complicating that are very reasonable fears. I'm there. 

[Yoli]

I'm there too. The person who would look after me if I were to get sick is not here anymore. I find myself wondering who would do that for me.

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, Yoli said:

I'm there ...

Widower2 and Yoli,

I guess what I mean is that this fear is just speculative.  I am not currently injured or ill or being threatened.  The fear of what if this or that happens is a never ending stream of horribles. 

My rational mind tells me to focus on what is,  and the reality of this moment is I am safe, I am healthy, I am uninjured.  But my emotional brain runs in endless cycles of what if...

The old adage of Be Here Now is more easily said than done.

It is hard to not long for a past when you had a fundamental sense of safety, even if you recognize it was little more than an illusion. Crime happens to couples, accidents happen when couples are apart sometimes, my husband had his stroke while I was at work.  With covid-19, even married folks are suffering and dying alone.  

I know that having John in my life did not guarantee my safety.  But I felt safe. My life was not filled with the anxiety I now live with everyday.

I don't know how to regain that sense of calm trust that everything will be okay.

Maybe the trauma of having lived through John's 25 day struggle to survive has made it impossible for my brain to accept the fiction of security ever again.

Just one of the challenges of life on this grief journey.

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

On 7/26/2020 at 10:34 PM, widower2 said:

I hope you don't take it wrong when I smiled at the "sounds like a country song" part   I put my (our) beloved dog down about a year and a half ago. I think that caused a serious relapse. We were both close to him and he was my last tangible link to her (her family and our so-called "friends" aren't a factor). And he was such a sweet dog...I see his face looking at me still, esp when I had to go to work and leave him alone in the house all day, which I know bothered him a lot and he looked at me as I went out the front door with those sad eyes. I feel like i've just been so good at letting those I love down. 

Our lives now DO seem somewhat of a country song sometimes!  I lost my beloved dog, Arlie almost a year ago (in 2 1/2 weeks) and I can relate...if my son hadn't brought me Kodie before Christmas I don't know what I'd have done, esp. during this social isolation.  Someone on the news yesterday said this IS our new normal.  God I hope not!  It's one thing to do this for a year, quite another the rest of our lives.

I still talk to my dog, hurt inside hugely, it is the second hardest thing I've gone through in my life, you all already know the first hardest.  And that says a lot, I've been through a lot.

A friend of mine just lost her "last link to her husband" 8 days ago, it is really hard for her as she adored her dog.  I don't know any answers, just here for you.  (((hugs)))

17 hours ago, Autocharge said:

What has it got me? I now have a life that I'm unsure about. It's not the life I had as "married man(family man)". I don't think I will ever have that bliss again (wow was it good).

I still miss my wife everyday. The days are easier than the the first ones. The future is unknown and scary. Im still looking for happiness all the time not just for brief moments.

I fell as if I'm not living life to the fullest. I wanted the "Bicentennial Man " ending, if you have seen the movie.

I don't know of anyone who has worked harder at building a life for themselves than you have, I admire you for that.  It goes to show that although it's important to try to find something good in our lives, we all know it will never be "like it was."

[widower2]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

 Someone on the news yesterday said this IS our new normal.

If I hear that stupid expression one more time I swear I'll lose my mind. 

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

But there is a fundamental security in facing the world with your life partner by your side that is absent when you are alone.

So true.  My husband had a quietly strong personality, but was also literally strong.  Even after the bicycling accident that nearly killed him caused permanent damage, he did so much.  I knew that he would be there for me in all ways.

It's not that I was incompetent or a ninny when I met him.  I had a career that required me to be strong in an environment then (and mostly now) dominated by men (engineers, scientists, military officers, etc.).  Before that, I taught elementary school, which is definitely not for the weak.  I was young, but I had a full life.  My love admired my strength, the strength of all women really.  He respected me as an equal partner.

Yet with him by my side and always having my back, I felt stronger.  I was safe and protected.  Not like, "I'm so weak and need a man to take care of me," but, "Together my love and I can face anything."  And face it we did.  For 35 years, we were a duet.  Now I'm a solo act and missing him is like missing half the notes.

The secure foundations of my world have crumbled.

 

[SSC]

For me it’s exactly opposite.  I don’t care about my safety like I did when my husband was alive.  Before I wanted a long life together with him, now it doesn’t matter.  I’m almost hoping something will happen so I can finally be done with this suffering.  Yes, some days are better than others but when it’s my time to go I’m not going to fight it.

@widower2 it’s been 21 months for me.  Initially I tried to do things.  I changed my job, I made more effort to visit with friends and family, I started new hobbies...now, I stay home as much as possible, I only see my family when they initiate it, rarely do I talk to friends and never go out or visit them, I only occasionally work in my flower garden as a hobby and I’m seriously considering quitting my job.  It is so much easier to do nothing because I don’t care.  Life has little meaning now.  I don’t see a reason to make an effort.  I don’t call this self pity.  I feel it is self preservation.  I can be myself at home and not worry about being fake happy when I’m around others.  
 

The virus has made things easier for me but at the same time it’s probably adding to my depression. 
 

do you feel it has taken you 9 years to get to the point where you want to take part in life now? Or are you forcing yourself because it has been nine years?  

[KayC]

23 hours ago, widower2 said:

If I hear that stupid expression one more time I swear I'll lose my mind. 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.    I don't like it either.

[widower2]

On 7/30/2020 at 10:04 PM, SSC said:

For me it’s exactly opposite.  I don’t care about my safety like I did when my husband was alive.  Before I wanted a long life together with him, now it doesn’t matter.  I’m almost hoping something will happen so I can finally be done with this suffering.  Yes, some days are better than others but when it’s my time to go I’m not going to fight it.

@widower2 it’s been 21 months for me.  Initially I tried to do things.  I changed my job, I made more effort to visit with friends and family, I started new hobbies...now, I stay home as much as possible, I only see my family when they initiate it, rarely do I talk to friends and never go out or visit them, I only occasionally work in my flower garden as a hobby and I’m seriously considering quitting my job.  It is so much easier to do nothing because I don’t care.  Life has little meaning now.  I don’t see a reason to make an effort.  I don’t call this self pity.  I feel it is self preservation.  I can be myself at home and not worry about being fake happy when I’m around others.  
 

The virus has made things easier for me but at the same time it’s probably adding to my depression. 
 

do you feel it has taken you 9 years to get to the point where you want to take part in life now? Or are you forcing yourself because it has been nine years?  

I'm so sorry SSC. I can appreciate everything you said. But I think I can say with confidence that I'm definitely and thankfully an extreme outlier vs something more "normal" (if you'll excuse the term because people's journeys are all so unique, but even broadly...). And believe me I'm not bragging. Much of it has to do with other circumstances beyond her simply passing, as if that wasn't enough. Again I only spoke out in hope that if someone sees themselves falling into this rut they will unlike me do something, anything to STOP IT and save themselves from more and more years of torment - keeping in mind this is a marathon, not a sprint, and not to expect to feel fine in a few months or whatever. I just can't imagine anyone wanting this long long term BS. The one and only thing I wanted all this time was to stop the pain. 

You clearly have made the effort with limited results at best. Again I'm so sorry but props for trying. I can definitely relate (PS gardening/yard work has been a big and welcome distraction from Day 1 for me too - gets you out of the house, nice weather, but you don't have to deal with anyone. win/win.  ). I do hope you won't give up though, temping as it may be. Two years is a long time in some ways, but (I'm sorry I know you don't want to hear this, nor does anyone else here I am sure) yet not, necessarily, in some ways.  As I recall it is not uncommon for people to take at least 2 yrs+ or more to TRULY even begin to regroup in a fundamental way, i.e. I don't mean just that the pain isn't as searing, but emotionally to be really ready go begin a "new life."  Please consider that maybe you aren't really behind the curve, so to speak, or some "lost cause" at all - and life may still have more to offer than you dared imagine. And - unlike me - you DESERVE it.  Your love is gone from this life - but you're not.   

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.    I don't like it either.

 

That's kind of you, but no need. I hope what I said didn't come out wrong. You didn't invent the phrase.

[widower2]

On 7/29/2020 at 7:55 PM, Autocharge said:

Read the start of my thread.

I "pushed myself, faced my fears, got out of my normal, tried new things, tried to find new normal,". I did every thing you mentioned except counseling and moving,I think.

What has it got me? I now have a life that I'm unsure about. It's not the life I had as "married man(family man)". I don't think I will ever have that bliss again (wow was it good).

I still miss my wife everyday. The days are easier than the the first ones. The future is unknown and scary. Im still looking for happiness all the time not just for brief moments.

I fell as if I'm not living life to the fullest. I wanted the "Bicentennial Man " ending, if you have seen the movie.

Sorry I started ranting again.

I don't have an answer. I don't think their is a correct answer. of "what you should do"

Am I doing better than I was during the first year, after the loss of my wife? ( YES)

Am I as happy or happier than during the first year, after the loss of my wife? ( YES)

Am I living life to the fullest after the first year, after the loss of my wife? ( probably not)

Am I more comfortable talking about my wife than during the first year, after the loss of my wife?(YES)

Am I still as Alone as I was during the first year, after the loss of my wife? (No , but I do fell it at Times)

Am I looking forward to the next Day more than during the first year after, the loss of my wife? ( YES)

Am I Questioning myself as much as during the first year after the loss of my wife? (No)

Am I as scared as I was during the first year after the loss of my wife?(No)

Am I dreaming of her like I was during the first year after the loss of my wife? (No, not in a long time, makes me sad I wish I was.)

Am I remembering her like I was during the first year after the loss of my wife? (Yes, I remember it all)

First of all I'm sorry for not responding to this sooner! I'm old I'm feeble bear with me   

Honestly it sounds like you have made progress; not as much as you'd like no doubt, but there's no standard or guideline to measure yourself against, so as long as you're moving forward, I would try to be glad for that, even if it's not the way or at the rate you think it should be. PS re. "Bicentennial Man," I saw the movie even read the book but confess I don't remember much beyond the general progression of the main character and Robin Williams being in the movie - I'll have to check it out again.

In fact side note while I'm thinking of it: does anyone else feel like Hollywood completely and totally sucks when it comes to movies about loss? I can't think of even one good one where the central theme was the loss of a loved one. "What Dreams May Come" is probably the best, though I liked that more for the visual effects than the movie overall. 

 

[KayC]

You can't get what you don't know...I agree, Hollywood doesn't do very well at it.

[Gail 8588]

A  TV series that I thought did a pretty good job is After Life. 

Depressing at times, but it felt like the writer's must have had someone who has been through it for real.

I watched it on Netflix.

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

In fact side note while I'm thinking of it: does anyone else feel like Hollywood completely and totally sucks when it comes to movies about loss? I can't think of even one good one where the central theme was the loss of a loved one. "What Dreams May Come" is probably the best, though I liked that more for the visual effects than the movie overall. 

Argh!  You are so right.  I actively avoid shows that have "losing the love of your life" themes because I found myself yelling at the screen--as if that helps.  Like, "You jerk.  Don't sit there telling your friend to get over it and move on.  That doesn't freaking happen!" (at home, alone, a different word sometimes pops out) or "Shut up, just shut up! You know nothing!" and on and on.  Actually, I started to watch the popular NZ series 800 Words.  I mean, a writer (like me) who lost the love of his life and is trying to keep his family together.  Okay, I'm willing to give it a go.  Well, I didn't make it past the first episode because the show's writers started in with the "moving on" and "getting over it" crap.  Two days after my husband died, there was an ad for a British sit-com called Mum.  The plot?  A 60 year old woman just lost her husband of decades (ding!) and it's soooo funny how she's trying to "rebuild" her life.  I swear, if I wasn't on a budget and wouldn't have had to buy a new TV, I would have thrown a brick at it. 

I think it's not simply that people don't understand what this is really like.  It's also that they (and maybe in the past, we) needed to believe the fantasies and fictions that allow us to not contemplate the devastating realities.  Most modern societies suck at understanding and dealing with death and deep grief.  Easier to hide our heads in the sand or plug our ears and say, "La-la-la. I can't hear you."

For me, What Dreams May Come was a beautiful movie.  My husband and I saw it together when it first came out.  IMO (and maybe because we're from the bay area, knew his early work, and my husband met him casually), Robin Williams was in many ways under appreciated for the range of his work.  I agree it is visually stunning and a thoughtful interpretation of "What is heaven?" and how we can recognize those we love.  We liked that it didn't focus on a specific religion, but rather on universal faith, especially faith in what it means to have found a soulmate.

 

[KayC]

I had mentioned in FB messenger to a neighbor that I miss Arlie and look forward to seeing him in heaven.  She replied:

Well, the bible tells us the God provided his Son as a ransom sacrifice for humans, not animals. And when the bible speaks of the animals no longer being a danger to us or each other, it is because the EARTH will once again be a paradise,where we will live, not in heaven. Mankind was created to live forever, in perfection and on a perfect earth...not having a soul that lives on when we die, but that we ARE souls. When we die now, we are not aware of anything at all according to Eccl.9:10. We "live" in God's memory when we die, and He will resurrect us back to life HERE ON EARTH...to a paradise. Meanwhile, in the grave, wherever that might be, we know nothing at all. We are as if asleep, awaiting that time. What a comfort....no "hell fire", no torture, no capability to harm or help anyone, no "ghost" or living past death. That give me comfort and no fear or thinking I might become an "angel" after I die. Heaven has nothing to offer me....I want to live right here on earth, enjoying the animals, perfect conditions with no more hate, evil or pain. That is God's promise and God CANNOT LIE.I apologize for getting on a bit of a rant awhile ago....the main point I wanted to make is that Jesus died for mankind, for redemption of humans, not animals. That may sound a bit cruel to us as animal lovers, but it is a statement of fact. God's ways often seem to us as not making sense in OUR way of thinking, as we are imperfect humans and view things in a fleshly, human way. However, if you think about the reason for Jesus dying for US, he did not include animals in that redemption. God has always had plans for this earth, and He loves all of his creation, especially humankind. That is why He provided His only Son as a redemption for OUR sins. Animals do not sin, nor are they covered by the sacrifice Jesus made. When God created the animals for our pleasure, I suspect he meant for them to live forever under mankind's care....as was the original intent before Adam and Eve sinned, thus causing such harm to us all. I suspect that when this earth is once again restored to a paradise, the animals will once again also return to their original purpose and not be killing each other as they do now. Who knows how long they will then live? The bible promises that there will be "no more tears, pain, sorrow or death", so it then seems reasonable that things that now cause us to cry, such as the death of an animal, will no longer happen. So much to ponder, so many blessings in store that it gives me lots of pleasant things to contemplate at the end of the day and helps me fall into a restful sleep at night. I hope you can think on those things promised in the bible and get some peace of mind too. In this old world currently under Satan's control, we live day to day under a lot of stress and pain, but one day, very soon, it will all come to an end and Satan will too. We see such evil increasing now that it proves the prophesies to be coming true, with hope on the horizon.

It reminded me of my mom's inappropriate responses!  She was mental.  It plagued us all our lives.

 

[foreverhis]

Oh, Kay.  Her response was cruel and, frankly, unChristian.  By that I don't mean, "She hasn't read her Bible," but rather that she was uncharitable, unsympathetic, and proselytizing when you needed comfort, compassion, and a warm hug.  I've got to say that I'm having particularly uncharitable feelings about her--someone I don't even know--right now.

Also, I don't believe the world is "under Satan's control," not that I believe in Satan as a specific, of course.  But I do believe in evil and I believe that evil is trying to grind down our human spirit and love.  I believe love and kindness will ultimately win.  There's a quote, probably from elsewhere, that I remember from a Canadian show my husband and I watch(ed):  Evil wins battles, never wars.  I'm sticking with the hope that there is more than enough goodness in the world to overcome the darkness that seems to surround us.

Big (((hugs)))

[widower2]

On 8/1/2020 at 5:21 PM, foreverhis said:

Argh!  You are so right.  I actively avoid shows that have "losing the love of your life" themes because I found myself yelling at the screen--as if that helps.  Like, "You jerk.  Don't sit there telling your friend to get over it and move on.  That doesn't freaking happen!" (at home, alone, a different word sometimes pops out) or "Shut up, just shut up! You know nothing!" and on and on.  Actually, I started to watch the popular NZ series 800 Words.  I mean, a writer (like me) who lost the love of his life and is trying to keep his family together.  Okay, I'm willing to give it a go.  Well, I didn't make it past the first episode because the show's writers started in with the "moving on" and "getting over it" crap.  Two days after my husband died, there was an ad for a British sit-com called Mum.  The plot?  A 60 year old woman just lost her husband of decades (ding!) and it's soooo funny how she's trying to "rebuild" her life.  I swear, if I wasn't on a budget and wouldn't have had to buy a new TV, I would have thrown a brick at it. 

I think it's not simply that people don't understand what this is really like.  It's also that they (and maybe in the past, we) needed to believe the fantasies and fictions that allow us to not contemplate the devastating realities.  Most modern societies suck at understanding and dealing with death and deep grief.  Easier to hide our heads in the sand or plug our ears and say, "La-la-la. I can't hear you."

For me, What Dreams May Come was a beautiful movie.  My husband and I saw it together when it first came out.  IMO (and maybe because we're from the bay area, knew his early work, and my husband met him casually), Robin Williams was in many ways under appreciated for the range of his work.  I agree it is visually stunning and a thoughtful interpretation of "What is heaven?" and how we can recognize those we love.  We liked that it didn't focus on a specific religion, but rather on universal faith, especially faith in what it means to have found a soulmate.

Exactly, on all counts, very well said. Our society especially is so obsessed with youth and looking/feeling young, and increasingly so bigoted against aging and the elderly and so cowardly about death...earlier generations didn't like death any more than we do, but they understood and accepted it as part of life. They faced it. Somberly, but head on. Now we run like scared rabbits and look up at the sky and whistle (as you said, "la la la I can't hear you"). Disgusting.

[KayC]

On 8/2/2020 at 11:10 AM, foreverhis said:

she was uncharitable

A perfect way too put it.  Some people, while being well-meaning, are devoid of empathy and understanding.  Sometimes I think their dogma gets in the way of their charity.  My mom was definitely like that.

On 8/2/2020 at 11:10 AM, foreverhis said:

Evil wins battles, never wars.

I like that!

Thank you both for your responses.  It's just been a super hard week, all around.  Am finding I'm going to have to let go of my Church Treasury position I've held for six years because of my constant pain/numbness in my right hand and all of the changes forthcoming...I'm looking at surgery sometimes in the next year and with no one to help care for me and my puppy and a long recovery from it, I can't do it.  Just one more thing I'm going through...

[Missy1]

On 7/31/2020 at 9:00 PM, widower2 said:

I'm so sorry SSC. I can appreciate everything you said. But I think I can say with confidence that I'm definitely and thankfully an extreme outlier vs something more "normal"

Excellent post, I felt like this I could really relate to this my husband and I were both outliers also and we found each other. We were so happy, I just want to live our old life the way we were. We were so lucky, I see so many people who never have found their soulmate. It’s like I fell through a trap door, I I feel my husband all the time but he’s not here physically.