After 3 years of Grief

[Gail 8588]

Just wanting to talk to others who lost their soulmate more than 2 years ago.

Those first few years of grief are so crushing, that all you can hope to do is survive them. One day at a time. 

But for those of you who have endured, through several years of being so sad  about the unfairness of losing the life we not only envisioned, but in many ways had attained, do you at times feel that we are wallowing in our loss too much. 

I'll just state how I feel. 

I think I should be moving forward better than I am.  It's not that I think society says I should, it's me internally, I think I should. 

I had a wonderful marriage for 38 years. I expected it to go on for several more decades. My parents and his parents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversaries with their spouse.  I expected to do that as well.  

I was quite dependent on my spouse in many ways (which became more obvious to me after his death).  But I am a reasonably capable person.  I have every reason to expect that I will live for at least 2 more decades.  I don't think I should live those years "wrapped up in my very own chain of sorrow" (credit to John Prine).

I very much appreciate Kay's sage advice that she wrote down after about 5 years of her grief journey.  

I know I will always feel the loss of my husband, because he was such a wonderful part of my life. He will always be in my heart. 

But I don't think I can continue to be in sort of active grieving any more.  It's not good for my mental heath, it's hard on my sons to see me stuck in my grief, I am not contributing to my community and world as I should be. 

I admire Autocharged in his efforts to become re-engaged with the world, and his kindness in coming back here and posting about his progress.  It has been a tough journey. 

Again, I thank Kay for returning here, year after year to help the endless parade of lost souls who suffer a terrible loss and don't know where to turn or how to survive.  Your kind words have encouraged so many people to focus on just getting through one day more.

I started out 2020 resolved to make a new life for myself.  The pandemic threw a major monkey wrench into my plans.  I have wallowed in my grief, loneliness, and isolation for nearly 6 months now.  I really don't want to do this anymore.

I live in Florida, so it's not like I can have a normal life right now, but I am going to work on developing a new plan, for a more engaged life even in a pandemic (socially distanced, masked, or zoomed activities only.)

Stay well.

Peace,

Gail

 

 

[widower2]

Interesting that we posted similar posts about the same time.......I just saw this. My thoughts and prayers to you to "move on" (and I quickly add I hate that damn phrase but hopefully you know what i mean). 

[Gail 8588]

Yes, I do know what you mean, and it's okay because I do need to move forward. 

Thanks.

[KayC]

Our grieving changes.  I do not feel I am wallowing in my grief or "stuck."  It evolves, changes, just as we do, just as our grief journey does.  It's important to be actively involved in our grief journey, continually learning and growing in this or we can become stuck.  I actually wrote that article at about ten years out, in no particular order, just as it came to me, some things will hit some people others not, we're all different.  I still do one day at a time and reckon I have enough on my plate that I will the rest of my life.  I also try to live in the present and that is one of the things I've learned since embarking on this journey.  The silver lining of the cloud you might say.  When I say I have learned to coexist with my grief...I mean just that, not that I am where I was 15 years ago or even 12 years ago.  I will always love and miss him and some things remind me of that afresh even now.  But it's something I live with.  I do not live in the past.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Our grieving changes.

I respectfully disagree with "our."  Yours has and I'm glad for you. Mine has not.

 

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I do not live in the past.

I do. And no one need tell me I shouldn't. I know that. I didn't say it was "right" or made sense. 

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

I don't think you are wallowing in your grief.  Just the opposite, I think of you as helping to show us  a path out.  I really do appreciate your being on this site, giving encouragement to the truly endless stream of new comers.

Your suggestion to look for some small joy each day was a very helpful life line to me as I was lost in the dark abyss of grief.  Your encouragement  that the more I look for those small daily joys, in time, the easier they will be to see. 

You have encouraged everyone to do their grief work, not just avoid it by being busy.  And you have shared your journey to make a life for yourself.  I very much admire what you have accomplished. 

You have shared that you still love and miss George, but you have made a life without him.  That has also been a gift to me, in that I don't want to eliminate my memories of my husband.  I am glad to see you carry your love with you still.

I am sorry if you thought I was suggesting you were wallowing.  I was only speaking for myself.  I feel like I am wallowing in my grief.  

My sincerest apology if you felt any negativity was directed towards you.  It was not my intention at all. 

Peace,

Gail

 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, widower2 said:

I respectfully disagree with "our."  Yours has and I'm glad for you. Mine has not.

This talks about grief's evolution, I hope you will watch it and hear me out.  Day one I was in shock, disbelief, did not know where to begin.  15 years in, I am no longer in that shock.  In those early months I had "grief brain" or "grief fog" as it's called, most of that wore off.  It took me about three years just to process my grief.  During this time I got counseling, read everything I could on the subject, learned most of what I experienced and felt was also experienced and felt by others.  I learned to express my grief on my grief site, crying out,  giving voice to my feelings.  I also listened and learned from others and the wonderful counselor we had on site, Marty Tousley.  I read her articles, too numerous to mention.  Somewhere in there I read an article on giving yourself permission to smile.  I learned to coexist with my grief.  I still feel the pain of missing him, like unrequited love, but I do not let it dictate how my day will go.  Day 11 of my journey I learned to LOOK for joy, or anything good, no matter how small, nothing was too insignificant to count.  I learned to not compare it to the big joy (George) that I had lost, for comparisons are a real joy killer.  In so doing I developed the art of living in the present moment, which was life altering for me.  Yes I still have times, as we all do when something is a huge reminder of how different my life would be if only...such as when I had surgery and went through recovery all alone.  Those times are especially hard.  I developed confidence in myself as I had to make all of the decisions by myself, learn to ask for help (hard for me and probably most of us) even when it meant paying for it.  I weathered three loss of jobs as an older person facing job discrimination for the first time in my life...during the recession.  It built my faith as I realized I weathered each storm.  I found out I needed a new roof the first week of my retirement.  Again, God gave my wisdom on how to handle it.  It built my faith.  All of our friends disappeared overnight when George died, my new best friends didn't even bother attending his funeral!  Over the years I put myself out there, making great effort to build new friends, which I did.  Ten years later my best friend moved away.  I weathered that as well, so far no one is quite the same kind of friend as she was, but I have others even if they don't fill her spot completely.  I found purpose in life and eventually built a life I could live.  All of this was an evolution, a process, none of it "just happened," it took great effort on my part.  No one will do it for you, it doesn't just magically happen, it does require great effort on our parts...at a time when we feel we least have it in us to expend that effort.  We can choose to wallow or choose to live, I chose to live.  That choice is up to each of us.  In the beginning we don't see the point and if we stay there, we can actually make it harder on ourselves.  Again, personal choice.  

I hope you find what you need on your journey.  My heart goes out to you.  To stay in the same place for nine years must be horribly depressing.  My only advice is please do not give up.  All of our journeys are unique, we don't get to write the beginning script but we do get some say so along the way.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I think of you as helping to show us  a path out.  I really do appreciate your being on this site, giving encouragement to the truly endless stream of new comers.

Your suggestion to look for some small joy each day was a very helpful life line to me as I was lost in the dark abyss of grief.  Your encouragement  that the more I look for those small daily joys, in time, the easier they will be to see. 

You have encouraged everyone to do their grief work, not just avoid it by being busy.  And you have shared your journey to make a life for yourself.  I very much admire what you have accomplished. 

You have shared that you still love and miss George, but you have made a life without him.  That has also been a gift to me, in that I don't want to eliminate my memories of my husband.  I am glad to see you carry your love with you still.

Thank you for your encouragement.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

This talks about grief's evolution, I hope you will watch it and hear me out. 

I apologize for any offense but I did not. I've read/heard more than enough about the whole thing. This video can't tell me anything I haven't heard numerous times. And it's a gross oversimplification anyway. As you said above, each journey is unique and there are many other things that can come into play beyond just "the journey" itself. But I do appreciate the intent behind it.

 

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I hope you find what you need on your journey.  My heart goes out to you. 

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm glad you were able to progress and wish you the best as well. 

[KST]

Dear Gail: I think I could have written your post. Like you, I was married (almost) 38 years and it has been three years since my husband died. I too expect to live for a couple more decades. I also didn't realize how much I depended on him. Sure, I did the taxes, paid the bills, made household repairs, etc. You know, Mom's endless list.  So what ? That's the easy stuff. Being the parent of a rather difficult 28 year old son is challenging to do alone. I so wish he still had his Dad. As an aside, I have such empathy for widow(ers)  with young children. I don't mean to complain too much. I don't feel sad every day, but when it hits, it hits hard. I'm really trying. I started therapy right after he died. I read books and articles over and over. I know I need to kick myself into my art studio and do less busywork .Today,I received some luscious watercolors I ordered from Florence. I wish I could show him. He would be so encouraging. Good luck to you in making a fuller life for yourself. Thank you for reading.

[Gail 8588]

Thanks KST, 

I am struggling with how to become more engaged in life while being isolated in my house alone during a pandemic.  I have just started piano lessons.  I can't figure out if that is stupid or not. But, I am trying something.

It appears that here in Florida  I will need to stay in isolation for quite awhile yet. 

Gail 

[widower2]

It is far from stupid!  Said the old keyboard guy who quit lessons at an early age.   You can find some very nice keyboards online to use at home for very modest prices these days. I have some info there if needed - let me know. And there is a lot of info online. 

[Gail 8588]

Widower2, 

Thanks for the offer.  I have a piano in my home already. My husband played.   In fact it is the piano he learned to play on 60 years ago. Our 2 boys had piano lessons on it 20 years ago. So I am the last in the family to work at playing Ode to Joy without looking at my fingers. : )

Gail

[KayC]

14 hours ago, KST said:

Dear Gail: I think I could have written your post. Like you, I was married (almost) 38 years and it has been three years since my husband died. I too expect to live for a couple more decades. I also didn't realize how much I depended on him. Sure, I did the taxes, paid the bills, made household repairs, etc. You know, Mom's endless list.  So what ? That's the easy stuff. Being the parent of a rather difficult 28 year old son is challenging to do alone. I so wish he still had his Dad. As an aside, I have such empathy for widow(ers)  with young children. I don't mean to complain too much. I don't feel sad every day, but when it hits, it hits hard. I'm really trying. I started therapy right after he died. I read books and articles over and over. I know I need to kick myself into my art studio and do less busywork .Today,I received some luscious watercolors I ordered from Florence. I wish I could show him. He would be so encouraging. Good luck to you in making a fuller life for yourself. Thank you for reading.

Thank you for your post.  I am sorry that you also are in this situation, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I am so glad you have your art, being creative can be very stress-relieving and I think it helps us feel some joy.  I remember one day I was making cards and George was gazing at me and I wondered what he was thinking, I said, "What?" and he said, "I just love watching you make cards, you make such happy sounds!"  I asked, "Happy sounds?..." and he replied, "Yeah, like whistling and humming and stuff."  I never even realized it, but yes, when I'm honoring my creative bent, it does make me happy...and now I have that memory of his response with me always.

I hear you with the challenges we face without them here to help us.

 

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have just started piano lessons.  I can't figure out if that is stupid or not. But, I am trying something.

Oh heavens no, it is not stupid!  Maybe piano lessons will be wonderful for you and maybe you'll end up deciding they're not the right thing.  The point is that you have made a step forward.  And boy is that hard to do.  I often feel like I am stuck in quicksand and just lifting my foot up and forward by inches is like lifting a heavy weight that wants to drag me backward.  The isolation of covid is one of those heavy weights and it has dragged me backward somewhat.  Right now I am gathering mask patterns to choose a few for making another set of masks for the people in my life.  That is my current, positive step back toward a bit of light.

Anything we do, new or from our past, that gives us the slightest bit of hope is a good thing.  Now, my husband and I are musicians by avocation, so the fact that you're doing something musical is an added benefit, as far as I'm concerned.  Music allows us to give voice to our deepest emotions, even when we can't say the words aloud.

I hope you find playing piano to be a wonderful thing.

[KayC]

Gail, that is wonderful!  I so admire you for that!  I wish I believed I could do that!  So cool!  I hope you find much inspiration and creative juices as you go...