Men

[BBB]

Any men here? Any men who feel guilty? I feel like I was her protector and didn't do my job. I grapple with guilt over that.

 

[KayC]

It's not only men that experience this, I even felt this when I lost my Arlie  a few months ago.  It's hard to get past that feeling that we let them down, but FEELINGS do not MAKE us "guilty,"  this is a common grief response.

[Brazil Man]

On 7/22/2020 at 2:53 PM, BBB said:

Any men here? Any men who feel guilty? I feel like I was her protector and didn't do my job. I grapple with guilt over that.

 

Hi. I feel guilty because I dindt love my wife as much as I could. When she was by my side it was a normal thing. Now I love her more than ever

[Michelene]

I'm not a man, but we are all protective of our loved ones. I feel guilty I was not able to save my husband. I did CPR but to no avail. That haunts me. I also feel shame. I am ashamed --we speak off loss, "I lost my husband." Like I was careless. How could I lose the most important person? Like I was paying attention to the wrong things. So yes, I feel guilt. And shame. It has been almost 3 years and it is still there. 

[Missy1]

As a wife, I should have  been better, I should have done many things differently. The guilt is a huge part of the pain. I feel like all I want is him 24/7. It’s worse as time goes by, 5 months and 4 weeks have somehow passed by. Each day is filled with endless pain, longing, loneliness and tears. I here to say the only thin that gets me through each day is work and chores, my life is empty and I am dead inside. 

[KayC]

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Michelene said:

I am ashamed --we speak off loss, "I lost my husband." Like I was careless. How could I lose the most important person? Like I was paying attention to the wrong things. So yes, I feel guilt. And shame. It has been almost 3 years and it is still there. 

It's just over 2 years for me and your words resonate.  Especially the notion that we carelessly "lost" our husbands.  Like he was a set of keys and if only I could remember where I put him, all would be well.

I think "paying attention to the wrong things" is really apt.  It wasn't that I didn't pay attention to my love.  Of course I did.  It wasn't that we didn't pay attention to each other.  Of course we did.  We were deeply bonded.  BUT life gets in the way more than it should.  People talk about things like, "Which will we wish we'd done more of when it's our time to go, housework or spending time with our loves."  For me, that's a no brainer.  We did so many things together, even the mundane things like house and yard chores. Yet, I wish I'd spent less time on silly things and more time just making sure he knew how much I loved him with every breath.  I suppose most of us wish that.

Yes, guilt and shame and regret all go along with my grief.  I'm working to shift some of the guilt and shame toward regret and acceptance of our inherent imperfections, but it's hard work.  No matter how much I read or hear others speak about it, I know this is something I have to figure out for myself.

[Autocharge]

On 7/22/2020 at 11:53 AM, BBB said:

Any men here? Any men who feel guilty? I feel like I was her protector and didn't do my job. I grapple with guilt over that.

 

In one of my post I go as far as to question my career choice ( Electronics engineer vs Medical doctor) would it have made a difference ?

To question is human.

Autocharge

[widower2]

I doubt there is anyone who has lost a spouse/partner and hasn't felt guilt to some degree. It has nothing to do with gender. 

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I doubt there is anyone who has lost a spouse/partner and hasn't felt guilt to some degree. It has nothing to do with gender. 

I agree. I haven't met or talked to one person who has lost his or her soulmate who doesn't feel (or hasn't felt) guilt mixed in with all the other emotions.

Still, even though I'm a woman, I think I know what BBB means.

My husband was a strong man, though he felt no need to act outwardly "macho" unless he was defending another person.  He wasn't exactly a traditionalist and was very supportive of true feminism (equality in opportunity and fair treatment in the world).  We had a marriage of best friends, lovers, and partners.  But we both also knew that men and women are inherently different in some of our strengths.  I am a nurturing woman by nature; he was a protective man by nature.  Neither of us expected others to make the same choices we did.

One thing that was extremely important to him was providing for us.  I had a good career, which he encouraged and supported.  And I encouraged and supported him in every way.  We made decisions together.  In 35 years, he only ever "ordered" me or us to do something a few times.  I learned early on that when he felt that strongly about something, he had good reason..  Being a man was, for him, making sure his family and even strangers were safe.  He was watchful as well as mindful and caring, even in the little things like checking the smoke alarms and making sure the doors were locked at night.

I am positive that had it been me who died, he would have felt guilt and shame that he couldn't protect me.  He would have felt he failed me, not just as my husband, but as a man.  I wouldn't have wanted him to feel that way any more than he would want me to feel guilty and ashamed that I didn't save him.  But he would have anyway.  Actually, he apologized to me a number of times for "getting so sick" (I gave him a mantra to say to himself: "None of this is my fault" to remind him) and, at the end, his fears were not just for himself, but for the fact that he knew he was leaving me and our girls (adult daughter, granddaughter, and my much younger baby sister).

I think most men probably feel that way, but of course, as a woman I can only guess about that.