Those Dreaded Words...I Have Someone In Mind for You

[Rhonda R]

Last week, my sister called me and said, “I have something for you, but I don’t want you to get upset.”  Thinking it was a picture or something I said I wouldn’t. Then she said it, “I have someone in mind for you but...”. Before she even got the words out I said “Absolutely Not!!”  I went on to explain that I am still madly in love with my husband(she already knows this, everyone knows this!). That if she wants me to meet a friend of hers I would be happy to have another friend but nothing more. Then she said, “Yes, but he likes to 4 wheel and all of that.”  These are things my husband introduced to me and I loved it. Why in the hell would she think I would want to do this with someone else????  The thought of someone else touching me is repulsive to me. I’ve told her that. I kept it together on the phone but after we hung up, I crashed. I’ve been down ever since. It was just a big reminder of all I have lost and how much I love and need him. It’s amazing how one question can cause so much pain. In addition, a movie I saw recently has a male lead who reminds me of my husband in so many ways. I’m obsessed with this movie because Parts of him, not all of him, remind me so much of my husband. My husband was the alpha male in the room, he was my protector and my defender. He wanted me, and his focus was always on me. I often wonder why?  All of this has touched on so many nerves, I can’t tell you. Then I found this and I remembered why. 

 

[jwahlquist]

@Rhonda R ((HUGS))

I am sure it came from a place of love as your sister wants you to be happy again.  Not that it makes it hurt less even if it said with the best of intentions.   But I would feel the same way if someone said that to me.  
 

I can’t imagine ever wanting to have a relationship again.  My husband was my perfect person.   The chances of ever finding someone that accepts all of my flaws and I can accept all of theirs is slim.  After 23 years together, I knew him inside and out and he knew me the same way.  I have been married almost my entire adult life  It is so hard to function without my husband.  We discussed everything throughly.  I feel so lost without him most of the time.  
 

My sister in law suggested a dating website to me.   I was like.......um no thanks!   I still have to figure out who I am without my other half.  I don’t know if I will ever be ready for another relationship ever.   Maybe just having friends will be enough?   I just hope no one decides that I “need to” meet someone.

[KayC]

Rhonda, I am so sorry!  If someone does this to you again, tell them, "if I want someone you will let THEM know!  Until then, NO NO NO NO!!!"

[Rhonda R]

I just cannot tell you how much this affected me.  I still cannot stop thinking about it.  I know she didn't mean to hurt me, she is just soooo clueless.  However, if this keeps happening, I will start avoiding contact with her and she is my only sibling. 

[Missy1]

Just thinking about it makes me upset, why can’t people leave us alone. Sick of people trying to decide what is best for the poor lonely widow, I personally would rather be alone than be with anyone else, ever!
Yesss I am so lonely, but it’s for our life that we had not someone in my life, just him. People don’t get it!

@Rhonda R what a gorgeous couple! Geat pic. 

[Rhonda R]

17 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Yesss I am so lonely, but it’s for our life that we had not someone in my life, just him. People don’t get it!

People don't get it.  The love of your life is what you are missing.  Your person, the person you have a connection with that no one else completely knows but the two of you.  A look across a room.  A nod of complete and total support and understanding.  I don't miss having someone to do things with, I miss doing things with my best friend. 

Thank you for saying we were a gorgeous couple.  He was 80% of it.  Aside from being an incredibly handsome man, he was a real life superman who threw around 365 pounds in the gym like it was nothing.  When the **** went down in the prison, the first person through the door and the guy you wanted to see come through the door.  No fear, no reservation, just confidence and taking care of business.  In his 33 year career, he never lost a fight and never got seriously injured.  But the sexiest thing about him was that he only had eyes for his wife, with complete and total devotion and never really seemed to care when other women would flirt with him or pay attention to him. I worked there for years before we dated and got married and an all male prison is tough working conditions for a woman.  We are not always treated the best by offenders and our male co-workers.  One officer in particular used to give the women out there a hard time.  One day after treating me badly in front of Randy, the officer came out of work and Randy was waiting by his car. Let's just say it never happened again.  My ex-husband treated me differently.   So amazing and why he loved me, I don't know...I'm just grateful. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

the officer came out of work and Randy was waiting by his car. Let's just say it never happened again.

Haha, I had to laugh at that memory because that's how George was, he had a way of "straightening" people out.  He told me once you have to talk to people in the language they understood...there is much wisdom in that!

19 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I personally would rather be alone than be with anyone else

19 hours ago, Missy1 said:

Yesss I am so lonely, but it’s for our life that we had not someone in my life, just him. People don’t get it!

So true!

 

[widower2]

So ironic. I can totally understand why Rhonda and others feel the way they do.

But I'm angry and hurt from the opposite viewpoint. It's been nine long years and not once has one single person ever said anything remotely like "I know someone you should meet"...or even asked if I ever dated again. Really? I guess that's "polite" but after all this time it rubs me the wrong way. Like nobody cares that I'm twisting in the wind alone.

[Rhonda R]

I'm just wondering if you have made it clear to family and friends that you are ready to meet someone?  I have made it very clear to my family and friends that I am not, which is why this is so frustrating for me.  Maybe if you let them know you were ready, they may say those words to you.  People don't know and as time goes on and they see what they think is "okay" or "doing good" they all let out a sigh of relief and move on.  I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that.  I wish I was as strong as you.  You are doing so great.  Thanks for telling me how I am doing.  My insides look like they were attacked by a grizzly, I don't sleep, I pace the floor, I think about him non-stop, every second of every day but if you say I'm doing good and that helps you sleep better at night, I'll leave it at that.  They will never get it until they get it.  Pain is uncomfortable.  Our lives gave us no choice but to learn how to live with it.  They are still repulsed by it and doing whatever they can to not have to deal with it. 

[foreverhis]

On 7/22/2020 at 9:57 AM, Rhonda R said:

 The thought of someone else touching me is repulsive to me.

I'm going to confess something that maybe most of us will understand.  Over 35 years of marriage, I had fleeting times fantasizing about, say, a handsome actor or musician.  Yet I only ever wanted my husband's touch.  He was such a caring and fun lover.  Sometimes we laughed so hard when something we tried wasn't quite as expected.  Other times, it was sweet and gentle.  Yet other times, it was rather intense and practically an out of body experience for us both.  He knew me and it mattered to him that we made love, didn't just have sex.  To be honest, I think he was thankful that I enjoyed being with him so much through so many decades, rather than just "putting up with it" after a while like some women I've known.

I hadn't been with many others before I met him, but I cared about them very much (not into casual sex; just not right for me, though I don't judge others).  Those few men could not compare to the way my husband made me feel, both emotionally and physically:  Whole, connected, accepted, and loved.

The idea of anyone else ever touching me that way or being with another man makes me almost physically ill.  And so there have been a few times when I've fantasized about him still being with me and still being my all and everything.  It's such a taboo subject in our society, but our bond of love is still there for me.  How could it be otherwise with our soulmates?

It's one of the reasons I know I will never want anyone else.  Even if I met a really nice man, one who I might have been attracted to before I met my husband, the poor guy wouldn't stand a chance.  I will always belong to my husband.  Some day, when it's my time, I pray that we will be reunited forever, in every way.

(I hope I haven't offended anyone.)

[widower2]

15 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I'm just wondering if you have made it clear to family and friends that you are ready to meet someone?  I have made it very clear to my family and friends that I am not, which is why this is so frustrating for me.  Maybe if you let them know you were ready, they may say those words to you. 

I'm not ready and question if I ever will be; that isn't my point...my point is nobody can even be bothered to "go there."  If my loss just happened I get that. After all this time? Not getting it.  

 

Quote

People don't know and as time goes on and they see what they think is "okay" or "doing good" they all let out a sigh of relief and move on.  I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that.  I wish I was as strong as you.  You are doing so great.  Thanks for telling me how I am doing.  My insides look like they were attacked by a grizzly, I don't sleep, I pace the floor, I think about him non-stop, every second of every day but if you say I'm doing good and that helps you sleep better at night, I'll leave it at that.  They will never get it until they get it.  Pain is uncomfortable.  Our lives gave us no choice but to learn how to live with it.  They are still repulsed by it and doing whatever they can to not have to deal with it. 

Yes, exactly. I learned the hard way that most people are clueless about what to say/do and often say or do incredibly stupid things at times like this (in fact I created a web site partly to address that very thing!). Not that this is a good example, but I remember a time or two someone shortly after the loss going "how are you?" In my head I was saying "well gee, I'm taking a little trip through hell you moron, that's how I'm doing. And if you are smart you won't ask that insanely stupid question again."  But of course I didn't.   And thank goodness because it's an accurate and understandable but unfair and totally out of line response to a question from someone who didn't mean anything by it (lesson learned: try to focus on the intent), but I was in a state and just looking for an excuse to rip someone's head off.  Of course that "someone" really was life, who was being so insanely cruel, but at that point anyone would do.  

[Rhonda R]

On ‎7‎/‎29‎/‎2020 at 12:13 AM, widower2 said:

And thank goodness because it's an accurate and understandable but unfair and totally out of line response to a question from someone who didn't mean anything by it (lesson learned: try to focus on the intent), but I was in a state and just looking for an excuse to rip someone's head off.  Of course that "someone" really was life, who was being so insanely cruel, but at that point anyone would do.  

I have been here more times than I can count, looking to rip someone's head off.  Focus on the intent is good advice.  I will try to remember that moving forward.  How do I get back at life?  It really has handed me, and all of us, a bag of crap.  My biological dad was a criminal, womanizing abuser.  My stepdad was an alcoholic.  My mother, who I worshiped, was taken from me when she was 51 by cancer.  I married a narcissistic, self centered jerk who I stayed married to for 14 years because that's what "life" told me I should do.  I fight and scratch my way out finally and find the man of my dreams.  Yes!  This is my reward for all of that!  No wait, I think I'll take him too (said life).  I sit here helpless and sad, unable to do anything about it. 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. My past isn't exactly the Brady Bunch either. My family are good people but a total train wreck, totally dysfunctional as a family and so screwed up as individuals (married losers, didn't do anything w/their life, sponge off of my mom and dad like you wouldn't believe, the list goes on) - so there's nothing for me there. Oh and 2 yrs after losing my beloved I lost my sister (we weren't really close, but still...she's my sister). 

I won't bore you with details of women I've dated but suffice to say it didn't work out (I'm not exactly blameless though...I had such low self-confidence and such high fear of rejection I either didn't date or dated women even up front I should have known not to).Then similar to you, I found someone amazing, and thought finally I get a break. Of course life again said screw you. And you know what, I could almost live with that, because only too late I see I didn't appreciate her nearly enough, so I've earned pain. But SHE didn't. Now what I'm about to say next isn't because I loved her or because of her loss, but this is simply true: she was nothing less than an angel on this Earth. Always saw the best in everyone, always so popular because she was so sincerely sweet and gentle and socially outgoing. Small wonder her funeral service filled the church. But she suffered so much, not just the sickness itself, but her daughters even then treating her like dirt, me being the inadequate idiot I was, oh and medical incompetence! I could go on for pages about our experiences there, even though we went to the best cancer centers in the world (supposedly). And again the list goes on but I'm rambling too much anyway, sorry. I guess all I'm saying in a long-winded way is I can appreciate feeling like life just hates you, has always hated you, then for once it smiles on you...only to go "psyche!"  I wish we could make life into some kind of person so I could beat the living hell out of it and enjoy it a lot. I would be happy to hold it down while you got your shots in too.   Forgive a tired cliche, but as best you can, hang in there. The law of averages has to kick in some time...at least that's what I'm hanging my hat on. What else can I do?

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

53 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I wish we could make life into some kind of person so I could beat the living hell out of it and enjoy it a lot. I would be happy to hold it down while you got your shots in too.

Maybe my response to this is inappropriate, but I just laughed pretty hard.

I'm envisioning it.  "Life" as a really mean and ugly person.  All of us gathered around, cheering, while you and Rhonda beat the living daylights out of it.

I am not a violent person and am sometimes overwhelmed these days by the violence, anger, nastiness, etc. all around us.  And yet...I am perfectly okay with that image.  Life has beaten me and my love up pretty badly.  I think a chance to return the favor would be awfully nice.

[KayC]

Rhonda, your life and mine sound similar, change some details.  I don't think about it unduly but "life" handed me a bum lot too I guess, alcoholic dad, mental abusive mother, first husband made her look like a saint, second husband controlling and cold, FINALLY I met and married George, the love of my life, and I lose him 6 1/2 years after meeting him, just 3 year 8 months into our marriage.  Life/death isn't fair, nothing fair about it, I could as WHY do other people get to keep theirs while I had to lose mine?!!  But I know there's no resounding answer so I finally quit asking.  I just know that this next life will be better than the one we got here.  That's what keeps me going I guess!

[Rhonda R]

Kay, I know there are no answers but I go back and forth with accepting that and being angry about it.  I've weathered every storm life has thrown at me but this time, I feel as though I have hit a wall.  As for the next life, I'm not sure what I believe about that.  Sometimes I feel like, Randy has forgotten about me, moved on, maybe even loves someone else.  These thoughts are so painful that I have to push them away immediately.  I know how much I love and miss him but sometimes it feels very one sided.  I'm almost angry about it.  At first he used to come to me in my dreams all the time, now nothing.  I feel really abandoned and I know he didn't do it on purpose.  It's just a very weird thing I'm dealing with right now.  It feels selfish but I can't help how I feel. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

Sometimes I feel like, Randy has forgotten about me, moved on, maybe even loves someone else.

When we are grieving I think we think about anything/every possibility, but the truth I know for our relationship is we were meant to be together, we clicked from the beginning, could relate to each other, understood each other, always had each other's best interests at heart, had amazing connection and communication.  I do not believe even death of our physical bodies can separate us, I believe we are connected still through our love and devotion.  But meanwhile, this time is really hard to do.  Not being able to get a response.  Having nowhere to direct our love, before I could cuddle with him, fix him a great dinner, we listened to each other, did everything together!  Now...nothing.  But that does not mean he loves me any less or that I love him any less.  It's been over 15 years and I can honestly say he is always on my mind, in my heart, how would it be any different for him???  He ADORED me!  It was so evident, people would watch/gaze at us!  It was that rare, that special.

We don't have to scientifically be able to explain/understand afterlife to believe we'll be together again.  It's faith-based, and by that I'm not talking about religion.  II'm talking about something as simple as counting on, believing in.  I do like the Bible's description of faith:  Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 It kind of describes it in a nutshell.  I bank on it.  I also count on being with Arlie again in spite of the annoying people that try to "correct me" with their religious beliefs.  Let me have my faith!  It's all that keeps me going.  This life is not always what it's cracked up to be, I have to hope in the next as well as looking for the good in this one.  It's how I've learned to do this.

I've never been able to order my dreams, but Marty Tousley, Grief Counselor and owner/administrator of griefhealing.com says there are professionals that can help with that.  I don't know anything about it, but you might want to look into it.  Meanwhile, I will contact Marty and let you know her response...

[foreverhis]

Kay, I believe this with all my heart:  All dogs go to heaven.

No religious scholar, believer, minister/priest, or anyone will ever convince me otherwise.

[KayC]

@Rhonda R
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-control-your-dreams_n_6296526

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/10/171019100812.htm
 

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Kay, I believe this with all my heart:  All dogs go to heaven.

No religious scholar, believer, minister/priest, or anyone will ever convince me otherwise.

Thank you...it's my belief too, I don't see how it could be otherwise.

[widower2]

11 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Kay, I know there are no answers but I go back and forth with accepting that and being angry about it.  I've weathered every storm life has thrown at me but this time, I feel as though I have hit a wall.  As for the next life, I'm not sure what I believe about that.  Sometimes I feel like, Randy has forgotten about me, moved on, maybe even loves someone else.  These thoughts are so painful that I have to push them away immediately.  I know how much I love and miss him but sometimes it feels very one sided.  I'm almost angry about it.  At first he used to come to me in my dreams all the time, now nothing.  I feel really abandoned and I know he didn't do it on purpose.  It's just a very weird thing I'm dealing with right now.  It feels selfish but I can't help how I feel. 

It's not at all selfish, but (and I think you know this) it is unfair to you and not really rational. Which is more than understandable, by the way, because the extreme emotional state this puts us in can often be less than rational. I think we've all been there. God knows I have been my share.

I've never met either of you, but from everything you've said, I say with 100% confidence none of your fears are true, and I think deep down you know that. Randy forgotten you? The guy who was 100% devoted to you? Yeah right. Not!  PS I wouldn't put too much stock in what you do/don't dream, and I think this is an example. It would be nice if dreams were this nice neat conduit to the afterlife where our lost loved ones could "stop in" whenever they want, but I think we all know it doesn't work like that. So I wouldn't take dreams too literally - but that's me.

I have to wonder - and I'm speaking from experience - maybe you're thinking the worst to punish yourself? Or give yourself most justification to feel so bad? Not saying that's true, and I apologize for any offense, just throwing it out there as a possibility for why you're having such thoughts. And again, totally understandable. Grief and guilt are old friends after all. 

 

And while she of course will be the first one I look for in whatever lies beyond, I will be pissed if my/her/our dog (among others) isn't there too.

 

[KayC]

Beautifully stated, Widower2.  I feel the same.

[Rhonda R]

Kay-thanks. I know I’m being irrational. Sometimes I think being angry is an easier emotion than sadness and pain. I wonder, is he trying to distance from me so I will move on with my life?  When Randy was dying I asked him to come to me in my dreams because I was going to need him. He told me he would try his hardest. At first, it was often and now, very rarely.  Maybe that’s why I am feeling abandoned. It is irrational and I know it but like everything else in grief I can’t help how I feel and just need to work through it. Thanks for your words, they help. 

[Rhonda R]

Widower2, 

Thank you for telling me I’m being irrational. I would rather believe that than he doesn’t love me anymore. I honestly don’t know if I could withstand that too. It’s hard having a one sided relationship and being so incredibly in love with someone who can’t respond, even if he wanted to.  My irrational self is living out my worst fear, that he will forget me and won’t love me anymore. Thank you for reminding me who I have been talking about for a year here. 

[widower2]

On 8/7/2020 at 6:34 AM, Rhonda R said:

Widower2, 

Thank you for telling me I’m being irrational. I would rather believe that than he doesn’t love me anymore.

You're very welcome. It's quite absurd when you think about it.   I wish I had a less tired cliche way to say this, but.....hang in there. 

[Rhonda R]

On 7/28/2020 at 1:16 PM, foreverhis said:

The idea of anyone else ever touching me that way or being with another man makes me almost physically ill.  And so there have been a few times when I've fantasized about him still being with me and still being my all and everything.  It's such a taboo subject in our society, but our bond of love is still there for me.  How could it be otherwise with our soulmates?

It's one of the reasons I know I will never want anyone else.  Even if I met a really nice man, one who I might have been attracted to before I met my husband, the poor guy wouldn't stand a chance.  I will always belong to my husband.  Some day, when it's my time, I pray that we will be reunited forever, in every way.

 

Exactly!  It’s something no one ever talks about but this is exactly part of what makes this relationship so exclusive and rare. When people tell me they miss him too, meaning as much as me, this is exactly what I think about. My husband always told me, you are my addiction, always on my mind and something I don’t want to live without. Turns out, he’s mine too. 
Thank you for bringing this up, I think it’s a forgotten part of our world. 

[KayC]

Rhonda, I love this, your love seeps through.

[widower2]

oy. The topic of getting involved with someone else is touchy to say the least. I can appreciate what y'all are saying - but I can tell you that after all this time, loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be.

If someone decides that they'd rather be alone the entire rest of their life vs considering a relationship with someone else, I respect and "get" that - in fact, I've done it for a very long time - but I'd also suggest they think long and hard about that. I am frankly sick to damn death of the unbearable pain that is loneliness and am reconsidering my notion that staying alone is some kind of "badge of courage" or devotion or whatever that I God forbid I not carry for the rest of my life to "prove my love."  I don't think I have to prove anything. I KNOW how much I loved her. Is being miserably lonely necessary to "prove" that? I question it more and more as time goes on. 

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, widower2 said:

oy. The topic of getting involved with someone else is touchy to say the least. I can appreciate what y'all are saying - but I can tell you that after all this time, loneliness is everything it's cracked up to be.

If someone decides that they'd rather be alone the entire rest of their life vs considering a relationship with someone else, I respect and "get" that - in fact, I've done it for a very long time - but I'd also suggest they think long and hard about that. I am frankly sick to damn death of the unbearable pain that is loneliness and am reconsidering my notion that staying alone is some kind of "badge of courage" or devotion or whatever that I God forbid I not carry for the rest of my life to "prove my love."  I don't think I have to prove anything. I KNOW how much I loved her. Is being miserably lonely necessary to "prove" that? I question it more and more as time goes on. 

I feel much the same way.  I absolutely miss the companionship.  I miss having someone to talk to and spend time with.  I don’t feel like I need to prove that I loved my husband either.   He would want me to be happy.  He really enjoyed making me happy.   There is nothing that he wouldn’t have done for me.  He was always pushing me to go out and spend time with friends because I am a huge introvert.  So if and when I find the right person.......I know that Ryan would not begrudge me the happiness after all of the pain and heartache. Maybe someday.....

[Rhonda R]

@widower2 you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. It’s not that I’m not allowing myself, I’m just truly not interested. One thing I’ve learned is never say never. I can understand your loneliness and no one expects you to be alone as a badge of courage. It also takes courage to try again. Just because that’s not my choice doesn’t mean I judge anyone for their choice. You need to do what feels right in your world. Staying lonely and in pain doesn’t prove anything. 

[foreverhis]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

and am reconsidering my notion that staying alone is some kind of "badge of courage" or devotion or whatever that I God forbid I not carry for the rest of my life to "prove my love."  I don't think I have to prove anything. I KNOW how much I loved her. Is being miserably lonely necessary to "prove" that?

I've never considered it a badge of honor or a need to prove that someone loved and still loves.  We know it and so do our sweethearts.  We will carry our love and our grief for the rest of our lives.  One of the things we each must figure out is how best to carry it so that it does not crush us beneath its weight.  We must each figure out how to make a new life to live as best we can and decide what works for us.  It takes years, that much I know for sure. 

I think it's good that you've been reconsidering whether being alone the rest of your life is the right thing for you.  I'm really glad that you came here to talk to us, especially if it's helping you think about your own life and what might allow you to find a better way to live it.  That is all that matters, what is right for each of us.

Though I do not believe it will ever be right for me, finding new love is in no way a betrayal or a leaving behind of our beloved partners.  What a cruel universe it would be if that were so.  Frankly, the universe has been cruel enough to us already.  We each deserve to find what happiness we can now.

[widower2]

Thank you for the responses. I guess what I'm basically saying to those of you whose losses are newer (and other factors come into play of course..age, etc etc), try not to close the door on anything  Bottom line as always: do what works for you. Just consider that what you think works for you...it may turn out to be something else altogether. 

[Rhonda R]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

try not to close the door on anything

Here is my burning question with regard to this...how do you even begin when you are still so incredibly in love with someone else?  How is that fair to the other person?  I don’t want to be even more lonely and I know my girls are going to go off to live their own lives very soon but, after experiencing the love of my life, I simply cannot settle. How do I get over the sickening feeling it gives me at the thought of even kissing someone else?  Maybe time will change that but at this moment, I can’t, don’t want to or whatever. I’m already lonely, lonely for Randy. Maybe it’s just too soon but I really cannot wrap my head around it. I have friends to do things with, I don’t necessarily need a man for that. These are just my thoughts on the subject and I appreciate differing views

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

Maybe it’s just too soon

 

[widower2]

Rhonda...yes. Not suggesting your try to force yourself to do something you don't want to. And you may be right, it may be too soon. Totally get what you're saying, including the guilt of even thinking of seeing someone never mind doing it. (Hello, expert on social isolation long before it became medically advisable here)  

But as far as "fair"...what's fair? For you to be painfully alone the rest of your life for something that wasn't your fault? I sure don't mean to speak for him but from what you've told us, I'd be shocked if your husband would agree with that and would understand if (repeat, if) you chose to consider trying another relationship. And again I think age plays a part. If you were like 80 that's one thing, but you look rather young. That's a lot of years of being without someone staring you in the face. 

Of course what's truly unfair is what has happened to all of us and the little trip through hell it forced on us. So, and again it's only IMO, but I don't think anyone whose opinion matters to us, our lost ones included, would condemn us or fail to understand if we decided to try being in a relationship again. It isn't selfish; it isn't unfair; it isn't disloyal. But for sure it isn't for everyone either; again I get those who choose not to. Once again it gets back to go with what works. 

[Rhonda R]

I am 52 years old, and had just turned 50 when my husband died.  I often think about how long life is going to be without him, I don't think about life without someone, at least not yet.  When I am talking about fair, I am talking about someone I would date.  How is it fair of me to raise the hopes of someone else when I am completely in love with my husband?  I have heard widows talk about how the love for both is part of the same strand?  My mind just doesn't work like that.  I know my husband wouldn't want me to be lonely or sad.  I also believe if the tables were turned, he would have most likely moved on by now.  He did not like to be alone.  I on the other hand, would rather be alone than settle, at least right now.  I settled for many years in my first marriage and vowed I would never get married again....never say never.  It was the best decision I have ever made!  I don't know where I will be in three years, five years, or more.  What I do know is here and now.  Right here, right now, I'm not ready and I also know that's okay, I just wish my sister would accept that and stop.   

[Missy1]

It is very complicated and I never judge, we can only know what is right for ourselves. I am sure that they are part of pure love and would want us to be happy. It’s truly a conundrum, we are still so much in love with our mate, they were our everything, we had secrets, intimacy, a bond so special it’s hard to explain.  It’s like being with someone else sounds so ludicrous, I am still in a relationship with him still and at this time in my life I choose to take the rough road, alone, it’s not easy but it feels right 100%. 

[Gail 8588]

I totally agree that how long you remain alone is not a reflextion of how much you loved your partner.  It shouldn't be a choice made out of obligation or as a demonstration of loyalty. 

But it is a very complicated matter involving security, finances, trust, as well as feeling an actual attraction and affection for someone new.  It involves a lot of risk on many levels.

I already feel extremely vulnerable as a widow.  I have a hard time thinking that I would risk letting someone into my life, because if it didn't work out I could be in a much worse situation than I am now.  

I am retired, so what I have needs to last me for the rest of my life. 

Also the emotional risk of putting yourself out there and being rejected, seems very daunting.  I think women in their 60's are not going to find a big pool of nice guys looking for a relationship. ( Maybe an unjustified assumption on my part - but I don't think so.)  I think there are a bunch of swindlers who might sweet talk an old lady in a scheme to separate her from her money.

I may just be a chicken, but the risks far out weigh the slim chance of finding a second wonderful relationship.

To counter the loneliness, I could see me living with some other women - Golden Girls  type of roommates.  One of my long time single friends has expressed an interest in this as well.

I am not saying I would never have another relationship with a man, but it seems unlikely to me. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

we had secrets, intimacy, a bond so special it’s hard to explain.

So true, and like Rhonda, I was married a long time to my kids' dad (23 years) before George...George and I were closer in a few months that my XH and I had been over 23 years!  He was just so right for me, we talked to each other about everything in our lives, shared our hopes and dreams, and lived them!  So much that no one else would ever get.

Yet my best friend moved away a few years ago to get married, it''d been five years she'd been widowed and four for her new husband, they are so happy together and I think it helps that both of them were widowed and get it and neither expects the other to forget their late spouse, but has incorporated all of it into their marriage.

You are so right, Gail, it can get complicated with grown children, finances, wills, etc.  Many are looking for a caregiver or free ride.

[widower2]

On 8/24/2020 at 1:44 PM, Rhonda R said:

I am 52 years old

Oh please, I've seen the pic you posted, no way   

 

Quote

How is it fair of me to raise the hopes of someone else when I am completely in love with my husband

I have thought about this more than a little. I have heard people say similar. They say things like "I gave him/her all my heart, no one else can have any of it" or some such, like it's an object to possess or portion out. I don't see it like that...to me a person's heart is more like a room, an extremely large room. No one person "owns" any particular part of it; they all are in there, sort of bouncing around...family, friends, and that special someone...though each in their own way. It's then a question of if you slam the door shut and forbid any future entry or not. In other words, it's not an either/or proposition. It's not like allowing someone else in forces someone else out. There's room for all.

 

Quote

What I do know is here and now.  Right here, right now, I'm not ready and I also know that's okay, I just wish my sister would accept that and stop.   

Totally understandable. Maybe you should show her this thread!

•  

[KayC]

I was 52 when my husband died, it feels like a lifetime ago, now I've aged.  I don't look my age, but I feel it.  Rhonda, I agree with Widower2, you do not look anywhere near your 50s!

[Rhonda R]

On 8/26/2020 at 12:44 AM, widower2 said:

On 8/24/2020 at 12:44 PM, Rhonda R said:

I am 52 years old

Oh please, I've seen the pic you posted, no way  

In that picture I am 45 and he is 51. He totally defied age and time. He was amazing. 
 

As for my sister, I have sat her down for a heart to heart. Hopefully, she really gets it this time. Hopefully I was direct and clear. 

[KayC]

I'm glad you did, I hope so as well.

[foreverhis]

On 8/26/2020 at 8:07 AM, KayC said:

Rhonda, I agree with Widower2, you do not look anywhere near your 50s!

Me three!  Rhonda, Seriously, you are beautiful and do not look anywhere near 45 in that picture of the two of you.  I know that doesn't help you feel better about anything, but it is true.

And Randy is so handsome and young looking.  Strong, happy, and clearly so in love with you.

My husband also looked younger than his age until those last 18 months when cancer aged him so fast.  I think in part it's because he had a young spirit, a kind heart, and a huge capacity for humor.  Other people commented on how young he looked, even when his thick blonde (with red and brown scattered here and there) hair filled with silver-grey over time.  Maybe it was his eyes, the way they could laugh even during the worst of times.

Maybe it's love that keeps us young at heart because I look in the mirror now and see a late-middle-aged woman who's aged 15 years in the last 3 years.

[Rhonda R]

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. Time has marched on for me as well. Watching the love of your life struggle and literally fade from this world is daunting and took its toll on me as well. Then there was that two years I barely got off the couch and put on weight. I’ve finally started moving again and lost a little of the weight with more to go.  Randy and I worked out together every day on our lunch break. It was crazy, I couldn’t wait to run 3 miles so I could watch him lift. Let’s just say I haven’t run 10 feet in 3 years. No motivation. 

[Art Thebes]

On 8/25/2020 at 12:23 AM, Gail 8588 said:

But it is a very complicated matter involving security, finances, trust, as well as feeling an actual attraction and affection for someone new.  It involves a lot of risk on many levels.

So true... especially the unspoken part:

our own self sabotage, guilt, blame, hurts and pains...

To one degree or another, I think we can all agree, that after the loss of those we held most dear, we are all a little apprehensive about trusting again. It's as if we live in the illusion that  somehow, we had any control whatsoever, and currently lack any evasion of mind ~ even right now, that somehow, we failed.. that if we had just done something, anything... that our loved ones would still be with us. It's a kind of wasting sickness, that just will not let go; the kind that gnaws in your gut, and not just late at night, but somehow more so, at the most inopportune moments when we are in public, with no place to hide or retreat and recover...

On 8/18/2020 at 10:32 PM, widower2 said:

Thank you for the responses. I guess what I'm basically saying to those of you whose losses are newer (and other factors come into play of course..age, etc etc), try not to close the door on anything  Bottom line as always: do what works for you. Just consider that what you think works for you...it may turn out to be something else altogether. 

your mouth, to god's ear... yep, you speak the truth.

 

On 8/18/2020 at 5:36 AM, Rhonda R said:

you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. It’s not that I’m not allowing myself, I’m just truly not interested. One thing I’ve learned is never say never. I can understand your loneliness and no one expects you to be alone as a badge of courage. It also takes courage to try again. Just because that’s not my choice doesn’t mean I judge anyone for their choice. You need to do what feels right in your world. Staying lonely and in pain doesn’t prove anything. 

I think sometimes, we use the pain as a crutch; something to justify this cruel and unbearable weight, and give credence to our subjugation at the foot of fate's unyielding heel; convincing ourselves that we deserved this shadow life... "badges of courage" are things we wear to bolster an already exhausted and worn thin perception of ourselves; one that just cannot take another straw of weight. 

As we grow, in both years of age and in the ineffable manner that every soul must eventually experience and endure, we have all found that our style, our hair, our tastes for foods, or lack of fondness for certain people and places, have changed and grown over the constant and ever ticking of time; be it that lima beans are suddenly a delicacy, or that "so-and-so" down the street, crosses your mind and you laugh and wonder what they are up to, if they are ok, and even finding a little empathy and understanding for why you disliked them in the first place, and why that was in fact, wrong. NEVER say never!

The courage to try, and trust, was a gift freely given and fully intended to be an instruction manual for me to follow; because I was in need of courage... and it was about d@mn time that I at least tried to wield my courage, in deed and action, and to move against a current that I had thought myself unable to cross; and when truth be told, yes, the currents of cataclysm were threatening to drown me and hold me down, I can now see that perhaps if I had just stopped flailing and struggling, perhaps the waters wouldn't be so choppy...

@Rhonda R thank you for putting things simply and concisely, with the simple statement, "Staying lonely and in pain, doesn't prove anything"... the only thing it proves, is that we are too afraid to face ourselves, look in that mirror, see those eyes that cannot possibly belong to the face looking back, take a breath and remind ourselves, if only just once, that It's not your fault... and try to believe it.

[Gail 8588]

 

2 hours ago, Art Thebes said:

To one degree or another, I think we can all agree, that after the loss of those we held most dear, we are all a little apprehensive about trusting again. It's as if we live in the illusion that  somehow, we had any control whatsoever, and currently lack any evasion of mind ~ even right now, that somehow, we failed.. that if we had just done something, anything... that our loved ones would still be with us. It's a kind of wasting sickness, that just will not let go...

For all of the first year and much of the second, my mind was locked on the premise that I failed him, his death was my fault.  There were dozens of reasons why it was my fault. I should have been home when he had the stroke, then he would have gotten treatment sooner.  I took him to the wrong hospital, he would have gotten better care elsewhere. I should have known that all the decisions I made were the wrong ones. I shouldn't have put him through all the pain of various procedures that didn't work.  It was all my fault.

When people offered me words of sympathy, I felt I was undeserving.  When I looked at our boys, I felt I was responsible for having taken their dad from them.  So many people deeply mourned my husband's death - because he had a unusual capacity to connect with others. It was all my fault he was gone from their lives. 

This is the 'wasting sickness that will not let go' that you speak of. 

At some point, I had to break free of its hold on my mind. To shout back in the night and say I'm only human and I did my best. It wasn't enough, I failed, but it was the best I could do. 

At some point you have to let yourself off the hook for not being able to save them.

I wish I could say that after I had this breakthrough things were different, better, forever.  They were, and are, better.  But there are still times I sink into the darkness of guilt.  

The good news is that I am not there all the time anymore.  

 

 

[Art Thebes]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

To shout back in the night and say I'm only human and I did my best. It wasn't enough, I failed, but it was the best I could do. 

We all fail. We all fall down. I do not know why, I just know that as we grow older, we somehow manage to skin our knees and scuff our palms; sustaining bruises and injuries to our pride, emotions, feelings, and sadly yes, physical ailments too... to such a greater level than we ever did as children.

I was just on the phone with my ... (hahaha! I had to pause, think about it, and yep, she's gonna laugh anyways, so I'm just gonna say it) my girlfriend and we both agreed that our greatest regrets were born from the smallest of mistakes. Not remembering to stop and grab something from the store. Maybe just stop teasing them and go kill that scary spider for them. To remember that love is not a mere feeling... love is hard work, commitment, sacrifice, pain, tears... and oh so much joy, beauty, light, peace, trust... love is quite possibly the easiest and the hardest thing in life, anyone can do. We both agreed on those points... AND we both had a good laugh at the fact that we are "at an age" where saying boy/girl/friend/lover/partner/etc. have all outlived their usefulness; conversely, that they are terms of endearment, and it made us both giggle.   

To shout back into the dark, to rage against the dying light, to not go gently into the good night... Dear Gail, while we do not know one another personally, and after reading dozens of your posts, I for one can say that YOU have NOT failed! I know that I have no right or leg to stand on, against any of your arguments or protestations to my blanket statement; although, I do however, know for a FACT, that you cannot have possibly "failed" nearly as badly as you have judged yourself; if nothing else, simply because you are still here, spreading hope, kindness, love and support to all of us here.

and I thank you for it!

you rock!

 

~Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~ Dylan Thomas Page

[widower2]

On 8/27/2020 at 10:35 PM, Rhonda R said:

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. Time has marched on for me as well. Watching the love of your life struggle and literally fade from this world is daunting and took its toll on me as well. Then there was that two years I barely got off the couch and put on weight. I’ve finally started moving again and lost a little of the weight with more to go.  Randy and I worked out together every day on our lunch break. It was crazy, I couldn’t wait to run 3 miles so I could watch him lift. Let’s just say I haven’t run 10 feet in 3 years. No motivation. 

I was kind of the opposite in some ways...I worked in the yard a lot initially only because it was something to do besides sit there and stew which was driving me insane. And I ate little so I lost 20+ lbs in a matter of weeks, perhaps a month. And it's not like I'm a guy who needed to lose weight. Maybe part of it too was how much weight she lost (and she was relatively petite so it was terrible to see...borderline anorexic towards the end). Or maybe I just plain flat didn't give a damn and my appetite went South. But yes I can appreciate the death of a thousand cuts as someone ever so slowly is fading away and you feel helpless to stop it and to this day curse myself for not making a better effort to do so

[foreverhis]

On 8/28/2020 at 8:44 PM, widower2 said:

But yes I can appreciate the death of a thousand cuts as someone ever so slowly is fading away and you feel helpless to stop it and to this day curse myself for not making a better effort to do so

Indeed.  More than once when I was having a really bad stressful day and maybe snapped at things that wouldn't have bothered me in the past, I'd simply apologize and tell my husband that it was so painful feeling as if he was leaving me bit by bit.  That even though it was not his fault at all, the idea that we were going to lose him scared me more than I could take just then.  I felt I had to be honest about my own fears because he could see them every day and I hope it allowed him to express his own. 

He tried to keep so upbeat for our girls, family, and friends, and even for me.  But after his first surgery, when things started to go downhill so fast, it was harder.  The chemo he'd had in the fall, the aftereffects of anesthesia on a 70 year old, the pain, the medications, even the cancer itself combined to start messing with his brain so that sometimes he'd lash out because his mind was so confused.  Those times hurt so much, even though my sister-in-law would remind me, "That's not him.  You know that's not him."  I did know that, but it didn't dull the pain of the moment.  Those were times when I knew for sure I'd let him down.  I'd bargain that I'd "never" or "always" or whatever if only he could get well.  I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat to spare him having to go through even one minute of what he went through.  Only now I realize that he would have been the one left here with this pain, a pain that will never completely go away.

There were so many times that I know I failed him.  No one and nothing will convince me otherwise.  But the weight of that is no longer constantly crushing me.  It's there, but slowly I am able to remember that I am imperfect and human, that I loved him more than life itself, and that the mistakes I made don't make me evil, just flawed like everyone else.  I could have done much better, but there's no way to know if it would have even made a difference.

I do not use my grief as a crutch or an excuse to not be more engaged in life.  Before COVID, I had started to rejoin the world, just in a different way than I had for the previous 35 years.  I do that now as much as I am able, and it's helpful and good.  But I have also given myself permission to live with my guilt and regrets as long as is necessary for me.  I know it will always be there, but it's slowly evolving into being part of who I am, rather than my main focus.  That's a step forward, I think.

[Art Thebes]

On 8/28/2020 at 10:44 PM, widower2 said:

I can appreciate the death of a thousand cuts as someone ever so slowly is fading away

oh shiz@h... yep. spot on.

here's the one thing I've never divulged... 

my wife had been diagnosed with Partial Transverse Myelitis, many years ago. then, she got pregnant (HUGE SURPRISE), and we all dubbed her the "miracle" baby, because she quite literally saved my wife. then, my wife was diagnosed with three types of thyroid cancer... yes, they tried separate and multiple procedures. then she had her strokes... and just in the last year.... no, not 2020; in 19... she got MRSA, after being diagnosed with breast cancer and having the ducts of her breasts removed.

the one and only father i ever had was in my life, for less than a decade. met him on my 10th birthday, he was diagnosed that day with "a peculiar spot on L eye; possibly melanoma."

my god awful mother... i'd elaborate, but if you catch my drift... no one wants me to. nes pas?

we had to go to Philadelphia, every summer, to the will's eye institute... he lost his eye, the same day they were married

he passed unto the final frontier, three days after my 17th birthday.

we buried him on a thursday; by sunday afternoon, I was on a bus to Camp Lejeune. I will NEVER forget his kindness, his capacity to cry and express emotions (in case no one picked it up from how i write, i was at one time, considered to be severely autistic... however, i'm also of the age where as a child, you had a choice placed upon your brow: either "beat the devil out of him" or, be called "slow" for the rest of One's natural life... (yep, i CHOSE the devil)) 

 

 

and with that, i gotta finish this later... major life change, FOR THE BETTER, happening in the next 16hrs or so.

 

love you all. i'll be in touch... internet is atrocious where i'm headed... 

 

~art

 

to cut to the chase scene: (at one point in my life... not today  ) i'd rather have dived into a swimming pool, filled with double edged razor blades, than EVER let such a slow, painful, and unnecessarily cruel death, touch another living thing again...

but then again, if everything hadn't fallen into place - the good, the bad, the ugly of my life... well... 

yep