Counselor

[BBB]

If anyone finds counseling helpful, let me know. Maybe I am weird or maybe I am talking to the wrong ones. I guess everyone here feels a little better by airing things out but I always find that while I'm talking, it may be therapeutic however, at the end of the day nothing is solved. I find myself just wanting to feel better so I can continue on with my life but the problem is that I am just so apathetic that I don't really care about continuing on with my life. Here's the thing, maybe everyone can understand but just not all agree. Maybe many people here are just stronger than I am. The bottom line for me is this - I can take medication, talk to counselors, PCP, psychiatrists and others going through the same thing but not a single one of them can fix the problem. The problem being bringing my wife back. No one on this planet can fill that void, fix the hole, take her place. It's a problem that is unsolvable and I often question the point of moving on.

 

Also, how do you all get past the feeling that none of this matters now? I remember going on a business trip to San Francisco one year, about 2011. I had been there with my wife as well as other destinations. I chose to get there early and flew in Saturday, thinking I would go down to the Pier, get some seafood, take in some sights. What I remember feeling, very distinctly and sticks with my to this day, was how hollow the visit was. I sort of realized at that very moment that it wasn't very much fun without someone to share it with. I can remember calling my wife from a restaurant and telling her that the Pier is the same, the food is the same, the attractions and stores all the same. But what made it totally different, a completely different experience was that I was there by myself and she was not with me. That moment haunts me today as I ponder doing everything now without her and wonder what the point is.

 

 

[KayC]

They cannot "fix" our problem, all they can do is help us find our way through it...the work is still ours to do, but with no direction, no idea where to start, we can feel lost...at least I did.  There is much we can do to help us work out our grief work.  Books, articles, here, Grief Support Groups, Grief Counseling, see our doctor, get help for sleeping or anxiety, exercise, eating something healthy& drinking water.  Yes, at the end of the day, they still aren't here, but it's important to give ourselves the best possible chance to make our way through this...I won't say intact, because we are changed forever by this.  But we can make our way through this.

[jwahlquist]

I find some aspects of therapy helpful.  I try to look at it like a coping tool rather than a cure.  Nothing is going to make the fact that I am devastated that my husband passed away magically better.  But sometimes there are ways to cope that the therapist suggests that I wouldn’t have thought of on my own. 

[Rhonda R]

On 7/19/2020 at 8:08 PM, jwahlquist said:

But sometimes there are ways to cope that the therapist suggests that I wouldn’t have thought of on my own. 

There is no fix for this, I’m sorry to say. Counseling helped me sort the pieces of my shattered life enough to go on day by day. I’ve heard many people on here say that they just want to be with them. I want the impossible, I want Randy back here with me healthy. I think about it every single day and fight my desperation. Grief is a ton of work. You have to be ready to do the work. It’s exhausting and happens so slowly but a I agree, my therapist gave me some coping skills to help me be able to get out of bed every day. Nothing is fixed for me, it never will be, I’m just trying to do the best I can at this point. 

[BBB]

24 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

There is no fix for this, I’m sorry to say. Counseling helped me sort the pieces of my shattered life enough to go on day by day. I’ve heard many people on here say that they just want to be with them. I want the impossible, I want Randy back here with me healthy. I think about it every single day and fight my desperation. Grief is a ton of work. You have to be ready to do the work. It’s exhausting and happens so slowly but a I agree, my therapist gave me some coping skills to help me be able to get out of bed every day. Nothing is fixed for me, it never will be, I’m just trying to do the best I can at this point. 

That's kind of scary to me since you are talking about 2+ years having passed. Makes me wonder if I really feel like putting in the work

 

[Rhonda R]

What other choice is there?  This is the hand you have been dealt as much as it sucks. You have two choices, try to navigate the waters on your own or get someone to help you. Grief is going to happen, there really is no stopping it. If I hadn’t gotten help, I would have just given up. I haven’t given up but that doesn’t mean It’s fixed. I’ve taken care of myself, gotten my finances in order, done stuff around my house. I’m proud of these things but if I am being honest, I would trade them all in a second for my husband.  How people handle this is very different. It doesn’t mean this is where you will be in 2+ years. 

[BBB]

My world is just nothing and meaningless without my spouse

 

[jwahlquist]

13 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

What other choice is there?  This is the hand you have been dealt as much as it sucks. You have two choices, try to navigate the waters on your own or get someone to help you. Grief is going to happen, there really is no stopping it. If I hadn’t gotten help, I would have just given up. I haven’t given up but that doesn’t mean It’s fixed. I’ve taken care of myself, gotten my finances in order, done stuff around my house. I’m proud of these things but if I am being honest, I would trade them all in a second for my husband.  How people handle this is very different. It doesn’t mean this is where you will be in 2+ years. 

This ^^^^
My choices were give up on life or get help and try.   Between my doctor prescribing medications and therapy I am at least functioning.  Am I the same?  Hell no!   Do I still have days of extreme sadness and depression?   Absolutely!  But I work my ass off most days to keep the house and property up.  I have a job and I am managing to pay my bills and be a parent to my daughter and niece.   I would gladly give anything and everything to have my husband back. 
 

@BBB I hope that you are able to figure out how to navigate through your grief journey.  I can tell you that if you try therapy.......don’t be afraid to switch therapists if you don’t click with one.  I found that I had to be able to be comfortable with a person so I could talk about anything at all.  

[Rhonda R]

On ‎7‎/‎22‎/‎2020 at 12:47 PM, BBB said:

My world is just nothing and meaningless without my spouse

We all understand this more than you know.  I wish I could tell you that one day it will magically just get better but I can't.  We learn how to live with the pain, we don't ever get over it.  We learn that our super bad days will pass and we just need to ride them out to get back to what is our new normal.  I have my basic needs met and I'm paying my bills and taking care of the home and my daughters.  It's not the explosion that it used to be, and I'm not talking about his death.  I'm talking about him.  Explosive chemistry, explosive love, explosive fights.  This was a second marriage for me.  My first was NOTHING like this.  BORING! I never felt more alive in my life and I wouldn't trade those 8 years for anything.  Now I have to survive on those memories and remind myself daily that I had it.  Do I like it, no.  But that's what I have left.