I don't know what to do

[Flor16]

Hi everyone, I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need a place to write down my thoughts I guess. So they don't keep festering inside my head... 

I lost my mom in April. I feel so lost and sad and when I'm happy or laugh I feel guilty about that. I can't believe that time just goes on and that she won't be here for the time I have left on this earth, whether it's 70 years or 1 day. I can't live without her. 

She lost her battle against ovarian cancer after 9 years. The doctors told her multiple times that she had only months to live, but she kept proving them wrong and kept going for years and years. That's why I thought it would be the same this time, but she died so suddenly and unexpectedly in a matter of days. Her liver failed completely. She was at home, I sat beside her as she took her last breath. I feel so guilty all the time... It's like I just let her die. I was only there for her when it was too late, we never said goodbye. I was always working, from home because of covid, upstairs in my room. I took vacation to care for her... She died on the first day. 

Is it weird that my grieving seems to be worsening? Because of corona we haven't had a funeral yet, it's just so weird. My little sister and I still lived with her. Now we're alone and it's like nobody cares. We don't see anyone, we don't hear anyone except our other sisters who don't live at home anymore. I don't want my mom te be forgotten. I want people to care, to remember her, to ask how I'm doing. But everyday I go to work and it's like nothing ever happened. I'm cheery and crack jokes, but on the inside I'm screaming and every time I talk I want to talk about my mom, but I bite my tongue and carry on like nothing ever happened. I feel like such an attention seeker, but I just want people to know that I'm hurting... 

I'm sorry for writing everything down here. There are so many people who have it so much worse than me. And I have a job and a house, but it means nothing without her. Our home is no longer a home. 

[Peony]

I'm so sorry for your loss, i read your post earlier but couldn't find the right words to reply. I don't think there are any right words when we are grieving so deeply but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I for one can empathise with you and your feelings of guilt and disbelief that your mother is not with you anymore. I too have felt that awful dread that i have to live the rest of my life without my mother and it feels unbearable at times. I try to take one day at a time and not look too far ahead...that seems to help keep me calmer when those feelings hit. I also put on a face for everyone else, mainly my kids because they need me to be strong. My loss was in January, yours was April...we are still so raw and its very early days. You feel your grief is getting worse but from what I've read and learned so far, grief is not something we can control or measure. Mine comes in waves and i have some ok days where i can laugh and see some light, other days I curl up and cry so hard, the worst days are the ones where I feel like it just happened and the shock hits me all over again. I am struggling with flashbacks from the hospital , all very traumatic and that has to come out somehow.  I'm told the first 2 years are the hardest....the hurdles and milestones to get through. 

It really is early days, don't be hard on yourself, you have had a traumatic loss and all you are feeling is normal. Covid has added another layer of distress for you with no support or funeral, it must be so very hard for you and your sister. Could you spend some time together with your other sisters virtually planning a later memorial service for your mother?  Maybe that would give you some time to process and grieve together whilst planning a nice service or family get together that would reflect your mothers life. It may not happen for a while but I know a lot of families are doing this and it gives them a focus during this time.

Sending you a hug.

[SUSU]

hello Flor16.. I am reading your story and I feel that you are expressing exactly my feelings about my mom loss and as nobody cares .. 

I lost her unexpectedly too .. she was gone in 3 hours only .. I was her youngest child .. and she was not just a mother she was my friend and mom and the only one tha if i have something happened to me I run fast to tell her .. she was taking care of me as if I still a child .. she check out on me every single day and asks me if I eat or not .. now nothing !! and the idea that people talk with you and treat you normally is hurt I know that !! I just felt that sharing my grieve and sadness with you to just remind you that you are not alone.. 

 

I hope time could heal our hurts .. take care !   

[reader]

Dear Flor16,

Please know we care and are here to listen. I find the first year of grief is the hardest and there are many ups and downs. Don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes it does feel worse and sometimes we feel a little better.

Like you, I never thought my dad would pass so quickly given that he had survived a minor heart attack, stroke and everyone said how young he looked. I fully expected him to pull through and be there the next day. But I walked out of his hospital room that day and it was the last time I saw him alive. It's really hard when you see your parents every day and share the home that you grew up in.

I wish friends and relatives were better at showing compassion and support but sometimes it probably feels easier to say nothing. Even when I cried and cried even my own sisters told me to get over it. It's hard. Never stop trying to find support. I found these websites helpful.

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Thinking of you.