Really Struggling

[Peony]

Hello, I have been here for a while , just reading posts and only now finding the strength to post my own. My mother passed away in January after an emergency heart bypass surgery. She was in her 60s and had no diagnoses of heart disease until the heart attack. She was in the ICU for 5 days on full ventilation, dialysis, total life support and deteriorated each day. It was incredibly traumatic and I am really struggling with the images of her in the hospital.  I have flashbacks, images and I feel very disturbed and panicky when I think of her buried now. I tell myself that she is not really there, she is at peace but it's overwhelming. I know this is PTSD and therapy is needed but with the pandemic etc I don't see that happening soon.  

I don't have anyone to talk to about this,  it has taken me 6 months to post here because I don't want to upset anyone who is also grieving. I just think it might help me to hear from anyone who has had or is having similar reactions to grief and what helped them. I'm sorry if my post has upset anyone, I am desperate for some peace in my head. 

 

[Anne B.]

Hello,

 

I too read posts for a while before I felt able to post anything at all for the same reason.  My own mother passed away late last year.  My father 1 1/2 years before that.  I still think of seeing both my father and my mother in those situations at the hospital.  I'm trying to move on but it is difficult.  At times it feels like no one understands.  Just wanted you to know that I understand and I hope that in time this will get better for you.

[Peony]

Thank you Anne,  it helps to not feel so alone.  I am thankful for this forum and I'm sorry for your loss of both your parents.  I agree that it feels like no one really understands unless they have been through it.  It helps to read through some posts here although heartbreaking to hear about so much loss.

[Lunchboxjo]

Hi,

I'm in the same boat. I cared for my mother through cancer treatment (endometrial / stomach) for 3.5 years. Its always been just the two of us so friends have become my family. Two months before she passed my best friend from childhood was diagnosed with grade 4 brain cancer. He was my brother. We were literally potty trained together. He passed in April of this year.

I also had to say goodbye to my family pet of 17 years in January. She too developed a tumor which obstructed her quality of life at that lengthy age. I will admit that loss has been the easiest to accept perhaps because I was able to euthanize her before her spirit hurt. She was blind and deaf which gave me the ability to continue the care giver role for 9 months.

However I am still haunted even by her. I have a strong desire to recall happy memories of each of these loved ones but more often then not its quite bothersome. Its difficult to move past the sounds and sights of traumatic memories.

Im currently reading a book called 'Dont Let Death Ruin Your Life' which includes a possible explanation for us.

"Some people habitually focus on what is not to their liking, what is disappointing and what is distressful about their situation or what they are doing. They have done it so often that they can mistakenly think this is their basic nature. It is not. It is just habit that has become automatic."

- Rabbi Zelig Pilskin PhD / teaches "reframing" which in effect is the art of positive thinking

 

I hope this can help. I've made a lot of mistakes in my mourning because I allowed myself to become too distracted and so Im just now dealing with the heavy self strain this all has taken. We have long roads ahead of us but it seems like the negative memories can serve some sort of purpose for us if we can learn to reframe them.

Sincerely,

Lunchboxjo

[Peony]

Lunchboxjo,  I'm so sorry to hear of your losses, that is a lot of pain for one person to carry especially in a short span of time, you sound like a very strong and caring person.  I lost my mother in January and then my grandmother in April...her passing was expected and I was feeling numb in April so that grief has been processed differently than that of my mothers shocking death. I read a couple of books straight after my mothers passing, about grief and the stages etc.  I found them helpful and validating but i needed/need some coping strategies for when i 'sink' and have the terrible flashbacks and images that flood my mind at times.  Your book sounds promising...I will look it up.  Thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate it.

Take care, 

Peony

[Peony]

Catarina,  you sound wise beyond your years and I thank you so much for you heartfelt reply.  You are so right, grieving changes and not any sign of weakness, I know we all try to be "brave" and not show our feelings for the sake of our loved ones but I know that is not a good thing for us.  This forum is a good way to get out what we are feeling and get support from others, I'm so thankful i found it.  Reading your post I felt such sadness for you, your weight loss and the physical effects of grief resonate with me, i have been the same at times. I'm so glad you have come through that and regained your strength, you may have ups and downs and good and not so good days but you are a survivor and incredibly strong.  My dad has a chronic illness and very thin, on home oxygen...I can relate to those painful images you have,  it really can be soul destroying to see.  I hope in time you can replace those images with the happier memories of your dad. I know my mother wouldn't want me to remember her as i last saw her, she was very much about looking nice and having her hair and make up done, she loved nice clothes. She didn't look like herself at the end.  I try very hard to push the horrible images away and in time i hope they disappear.  I can't look at photos at the moment.  I could early on but now i fall apart if i see her picture.  Grief really is a journey.