A few days left

[Perro J]

Hello. I just signed up here.

I wanted to ask if anyone had any thoughts on what they might remind me to share with my love before we are separated?

My situation is this: I am currently in South America, staying with the family of my partner. She is in the hospital with advanced cancer. In a few days I will need to return to the USA without her. I have asked her parents for permission to propose, which they acknowledged and I proposed to her. She accepted. Then she had to return to the hospital the next day. Marriage was something we were planning on, but we had hoped for a church wedding and many other dreams. After she accepted my proposal, her sister tried to see if at least a civil ceremony could be completed but the paper tiger is too much. Due to COVID, I have only been able to see her a few times in the last two weeks. The policy is one visitor per day for one hour. No more. I visited her and told her that even if the civil ceremony couldn't be completed, in my mind, we were already husband and wife. The cancer is at a point where there are no more treatment options and she is in God's hands. I believe I will only have one or two more opportunities to hold her hand, to talk to her, and then I have to say good bye.

Obviously, I will tell her I love her. That she is beautiful. That no one has ever loved me like she has. My question is if any of you had any afterthoughts, where you wish you may have told them something but in the heavy emotions and confusion of late stage cancer, inadvertently omitted?

Thank you.

[KayC]

I am very sorry...I do not know what you should share as my husband and I shared everything while he was alive, nothing left unsaid.  I wish you could have someone come in to the hospital and perform the ceremony, I think it'd be meaningful to both of you, but like you said, with or without the paper, you already feel married.  This whole COVID thing makes everything all the harder.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html

[Guest Sue4]

You might want to discuss where and how (cremation, etc) her remains will be buried. And if she wants you to be buried with her when you pass. And any concerns she might have regarding her family, possessions, accounts, etc. I know it all seems like a bit of a sensitive subject but, my husband passed unexpectedly recently and those are are few things I wish we had discussed. And I wish I had told him more that he was my whole world and I would do anything for him, that no one would ever replace his heart in mine. I hope your loved one does not suffer and recovers- if that is what medicine and the universe permits.

[Perro J]

Thank you KayC and Sue4. Both of your replies are valued.

The title of my thread should have read one day left. She was brought home from the hospital via ambulance. 2 hours after arriving at home she asked for help going to the bathroom. As family members assisted her, she collapsed. I was only a few steps away. By the time we got her repositioned on the sofa I knew she was not just unconscious, I knew her soul had left her body. I take solace in the fact that she is not suffering anymore.

The only thing I felt left unsaid, and I had planned to discuss with her in the coming days as I thought I had them, was to forgive me for anything I ever did that hurt her.

She is buried in a small cemetery in the town of her birth, high in the mountains of South America. It is a beautiful place, she is close to her Mother, Father, and Brother. I am sure she is content with that.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Perro J said:

The only thing I felt left unsaid, and I had planned to discuss with her in the coming days as I thought I had them, was to forgive me for anything I ever did that hurt her.

Believe me, I understand that feeling all too well.  Even though I had a chance to say those things to my husband, there is always so much more unsaid.

May I suggest that you tell her now?  I am of the firm belief that our souls do not just vanish when we die.  Though my husband and I no longer belong to a specific religion, we kept our faith in the mysteries and wonders of the universe and all that binds us together.  I know--know absolutely--that he is out there, wherever "there" is, and that some day I will be with him again. 

And so, I talk to him every day.  I tell him things and ask for his help/advice.  I remind him how much I love him.  I ask him to forgive me my faults and failings and anything I ever said or did that hurt him.  I tell him how I miss him every minute of every day.  Sometimes I even tell him I'm still angry that he was taken from me and our girls. 

Even if I'm deluding myself and he can't hear me, it helps me to say these things out loud.  Sometimes I talk to him at home.  Other times I talk to him at our local nature preserve, where I can sit and whisper to the wind, hoping it carries my voice to him.  I don't talk to him as much as I did in the beginning, but I still talk to him every day.  I tell him good morning and say, "I'm home" when I walk in the door.  I realize that probably makes me sound a little crazy to the world, but I know all the members here understand.

Even though I feel certain she already knows how you feel and what you wish you'd said, tell her anyway.  Tell her what is in your heart, and keep talking to her as long as is right for you.

 

[KayC]

@Perro J  It sounds beautiful where she is at rest!  I, too, take comfort in knowing my husband doesn't have to suffer anymore.

8 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I am of the firm belief that our souls do not just vanish when we die.

 

8 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I know--know absolutely--that he is out there, wherever "there" is, and that some day I will be with him again. 

I am of the same beliefs.  It brings me comfort and hope!

[foreverhis]

Having utter faith in those beliefs is one of the things, maybe the biggest thing, that gets me out of bed in the morning and that allows me to function at all.