Existing

[Yoli]

I feel like a shell of a human being. Existing for the sake of existing. Breathing because my body is hard wired to do so. Eating so that the shell can survive. 

Two months and one day of absolute torture and torment. I can't imagine going through the rest of my existence without her by my side.

[KayC]

No, of course you can't.  Try not to think about it.  I was 52 when my husband died, in my family we live well into our 90s.  When I thought of 40 years without him it sent me into a tailspin, my anxiety spinning...I learned to stay in today.  Besides, none of us knows how long we'll live, even if we do know our genetics.  They don't account for accidents and flukes.  I tell myself, "I can do today." and I do.

[jwahlquist]

My husband was only 48 when he passed away and I am only 42.  We had so many plans and dreams for the future.   We had been together 23 years.  So I get it......I never imagined a future without him.  How could I & why would I.  I look ahead a years of loneliness and life alone.  I just can’t deal with those thoughts right now.  I take it day to day and try not to think beyond that.  

[KayC]

[LTB]

Great comic strip, thanks for sharing.  That's me right now!

I have a highly organized personality, with a never ending To Do List; however, my overwhelming grief is slowly showing my that it's okay when I do zero tasks today.

It's been 3 months 12 days since my husband's accidental death, on April 2nd.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, LTB said:

my overwhelming grief is slowly showing my that it's okay when I do zero tasks

Absolutely!  So important to be understanding and patient with ourselves.

[jwahlquist]

On 7/14/2020 at 8:35 PM, KayC said:

Absolutely!  So important to be understanding and patient with ourselves.

On 7/14/2020 at 6:52 PM, LTB said:

, with a never ending To Do List; however, my overwhelming grief is slowly showing my that it's okay when I do zero tasks today.

I saw my daughter’s therapist for a while until I found one of my own that I clicked with.  She had several good suggestions one of which had to do with this very thing. My brain has been so very muddled and in chaos that I don’t always get much done.   I get distracted easily, forget things, get tired easily, start something but for get to finish it and so on.   I was feeling frustrated with myself.  She suggested that I make a list but not a list of 100 big tasks but instead a list of things that are easily accomplished.  
Like:

Make Bed

Brush Teeth

Eat Breakfast

Hair & Makeup

Ect.

She said that I could include a big task if I wanted to like.....mow the yards or laundry.  She said this was one way of feeling a bit of success and giving yourself grace.  Crossing things off a list feels good and empowering so it is motivating.  When you make the list consist of little things.......It gives you a feeling of and credit for getting through the day and surviving.
 

It was helpful for me.  I also had to swallow my pride and be willing to admit I needed help.  My house has been a disaster and I hadn’t gone through any of my husband’s things or taken care of the areas that were “his”.  So I asked my cousin who loves to organize and clean to help me with all of the hard things I couldn’t tackle alone.  My house looks 100% better and I can find things.   It was hard to let go of his things but I kept what I wanted and enjoyed wearing of his (tshirts and flannels) and got rid of his shoes and pants that didn’t fit anyone I know.  I feel better now that I don’t have to face a closet full of his things.   I dreaded tackling and couldn’t have done it on my own but I feel better now that I have.  
 

Everything feels hard still and it will for quite some time.  Just remember it’s ok to have days where you do nothing.  When I feel emotionally or physically overwhelmed I take a day to lay in bed and watch tv or do crosswords.  Our minds and bodies need a break from our new realities.  

[KayC]

8 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

She suggested that I make a list but not a list of 100 big tasks but instead a list of things that are easily accomplished.  
Like:

Make Bed

Brush Teeth

Eat Breakfast

Hair & Makeup

Ect.

Yes!  Dr. Phil said the same thing regarding the pandemic, that's it's important to maintain our routine as much as possible.  If you wear makeup, continue to do so.  I still did all that when George died, but did wonder why I was bothering, I guess it's natural to wonder that.  But it does help us feel there's a semblance of normal in our world, even if just a very wee bit.  And it also means we aren't totally giving up on ourselves...we are of value, it's important to demonstrate that to ourselves, if nothing else.

8 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

She said this was one way of feeling a bit of success and giving yourself grace.  Crossing things off a list feels good and empowering so it is motivating.

Funny, just yesterday they had this very same conversation on the radio!  Your exact words...they said sometimes it can be something as simple as breathing.

[jwahlquist]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

Funny, just yesterday they had this very same conversation on the radio!  Your exact words...they said sometimes it can be something as simple as breathing.

LOL!  Maybe they learned it in therapy 101?   Seriously though I did find it to be helpful.  

  It was one of the things my daughter’s therapist told me not long after my husband passed away.   I wrote lists of little things for several weeks because I felt so out of control.  It helped to ground me and provide some stability to my otherwise chaotic life.   

[KayC]

They were talking about the pandemic I'm sure, a lot of therapists weighing in on that, but this was delivered through the DJs.  Sounds like you got some good therapy!