Help understanding a friend's grief. Friend (mostly) not talking after loss

[FirTrees]

(I'm new here so I hope this is the right section).

 

I met a woman through an online dating service some time ago. For other reasons, she was actually not ready to have a relationship (and we never met in person). But we stayed talking regularly (every few days) after that, just about our lives etc. for months/years.

 

9 months ago, she lost her mum and suddenly she stopped talking. The thing is she never told me she lost her mum, she stopped replying, and I found out only accidentally (and she doesn't know that I know). At first I was so worried, but a month or so later she eventually replied telling me she was fine, she appreciated it, but not to worry, and that I needed to live my life.

 

After that I only message her occasionally. Some times she replies, some times she doesn't. Lately I only message every month, or two months. I try to keep it light-hearted, no pressure to reply, while at the same time including a standard short message that I hope she's ok.

 

There now has been a long period where she hasn't responded at all (4 months) and I don't know whether I should keep messaging every so often or not. I've tried to read about different people's experience of grieving, and articles about helping those you know who are grieving. Unfortunately, most of the advice is what to say or do to your friend and not what to do if they can't talk. A lot of things I read are the other way round, i.e. grieving people upset people are not speaking to them.

 

I did read this, https://tealashes.com/2014/02/10/give_grieving_friends_breathing_room_but_stick_around/ and the comments, which were really interesting. Is this something that other grieving people can relate to? Because this seems to suggest that I should continue, and just that my friend is too overwhelmed right now.

 

I guess my question is what I should do in this situation.

 

But also, for those who grieving, particularly their mum, it would be good to hear your perspective on my friend.

And also, how were you feeling each month after your loss? For example, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 etc months after? I realise grief is so different for everyone but it would be good to understand more what my friend is going through.

 

I am a M (26) and she is F (28).

[reader]

Dear FirTrees,

I know you care about your online friend a great deal and want to be supportive. I would send her another message saying you know it's a difficult time and you want to give her space, but if she ever wants to write to you, you'll be there for her. I know losing a parent is a devastating time. Most grievers do need to know their friends and family are there but also each person grieves so differently. I know its hard not to take it personally because you care a lot and want to be there for her. But it sounds like you've done everything right and should probably leave the next message up to her.

These other websites might help you understand her grief more.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog