Members BBB Posted July 11, 2020 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2020 I always ponder the question - who suffers more, the patient or the caregiver? There is no doubt that my wife suffered and endured terribly through her cancer ordeal. Zero question about that. However, not only was I there every step of the way, through chemo, broken bones, titanium rod placements, bed ridden, etc. but the patients suffering ends while the caregiver continues to suffer. This is JUST a topic of debate and discussion here, I am not trying to sound like poor me or a martyr. You've all been there so I just wanted to know everyone's input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MODArtemis2019 Posted July 12, 2020 Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2020 My short answer would be, my suffering started on the night his ended. That's not exactly true, but I certainly have suffered more since he passed than before. As long as I could be with my husband and help him, I didn't feel like I was suffering. Yes it was very hard at times, but always I felt grateful for the time we had together and that I could do everything in my power to support him. It was a privilege really, to know that I was truly carrying out the vow I took - in sickness and in health. The night he died I couldn't help him, and that was so, so hard. And since then I have suffered from missing him and suffered from feelings of guilt. The guilt I have tried to do away with, because it doesn't help anyone and doesn't reflect how much I cared for him. But the missing will always be there. Ultimately, I wouldn't compare my suffering and his. They're different. But there is something uniquely painful about being the one left behind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted July 12, 2020 Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2020 I don't know that I can quantify my husband's pain and suffering or compare his pain to mine. He was clearly in a lot of pain and yet he fought to live until his body just failed him. A lot of the guilt I felt after his death came from the knowledge that he suffered so much pain because I could not accept the inevitability of the outcome. I put him through procedure after procedure and asked him again and again to keep fighting. I couldn't let him go. I felt empathy for his pain, it hurt me too. I was also filled with my own fear. But the pain I felt while he was alive, pales in comparison to the pain I felt after he died. I truly had not expected grief to be so physically painful. There were many times I really thought I was dying. My heart hurt so much I was sure it was exploding in my chest. I thought, "this is what they mean when people say - she died of a broken heart". I believe I came close to dying from the pain of my grief. I thought of calling 911, but at that time I didn't care if I lived or died. There were times I really had to just concentrate on breathing to get through the pain. That heart exploding, head exploding, unable to stand up pain does eventually go away. In my case it was followed by a long period of being completely numb. I am sure everyone's grief path is different. I really believed, perhaps irrationally, that my husband could make a full recovery from his stroke, if we could just get through this or that problem. So for me, the pain of losing him did not start until he actually died. I still sometimes get overwhelmed with sadness, but the heart stopping pain of grief has not been with me for a couple of years. Peace, Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 12, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted July 12, 2020 II think at the point of death their suffering ends and we take it on. For us it's the rest of our lives. But I wouldn't wish the roles reversed, I would never ever wish this on him, I love him too much for that. I've met others that felt differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Autocharge Posted July 15, 2020 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2020 On 7/11/2020 at 11:21 AM, BBB said: I always ponder the question - who suffers more, the patient or the caregiver? There is no doubt that my wife suffered and endured terribly through her cancer ordeal. Zero question about that. However, not only was I there every step of the way, through chemo, broken bones, titanium rod placements, bed ridden, etc. but the patients suffering ends while the caregiver continues to suffer. This is JUST a topic of debate and discussion here, I am not trying to sound like poor me or a martyr. You've all been there so I just wanted to know everyone's input. "the patient" fights to live. = " the caregiver" fights to continue on during and after. I think the equation balances out. (my first thoughts on this). Both have been through the unimaginable . Autocharge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted July 16, 2020 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2020 Agree with @AutochargeMy feeling is that because we are so connected the pain of suffering and the pain of caregiving are one. The caregiver for someone who is by their side we feel their pain as they feel our pain they don’t wanna be a burden we want them to be well, both selfless love for each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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