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Literally just found out my dad died


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Yesterday or the day before (time blurs together in quarantine), I found out my dad was very, very sick. It wasn't that one sickness everyone's freaking out about right now, but it was something a lot worse than that. Since I'm going through enough already, 2020-related and otherwise, I just kind of assumed he'd die, because God's using me as his punching bag right now, I guess.

A few hours ago, I found out my dad died. I'm not surprised, but it's one thing to anticipate something happening and another thing entirely for it to actually happen, you know?

He's been in prison for quite some time. Something about a parole violation from his last sentence, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't bad enough to merit a sentence this long. He said he'd be out around October, but now... hahah. You know.

It's only been a few hours, but I already feel like I'm going through all of the classical stages of grief simultaneously. I'm crying and stress-laughing and, in between, feeling nothing in particular. I don't know how to process anything right now, or how to talk to anyone- a lot of things from my childhood have left me afraid of being perceived as "manipulative" for talking about my struggles to anyone, and I don't want to impose on my nana and papa (who I've lived with for the past two years in my dad's absence, before his absence became more permanent) since, well, he was their son, and I'm sure the loss of a child is much worse than the loss of a parent. After all, almost everyone goes through the loss of a parent, and the child dying first is just wrong, right?

This... this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. I only just turned 17. We were supposed to move out of here and into that house we've been trying to get for ages now. He was supposed to be there as I got my first job, as I graduated, as I moved out, as I met the love of my life- he was supposed to be my eventual kids' grandfather, for crying out loud! Why... why did it have to happen like this?

Why couldn't I have been there in his last moments? Why didn't we get to be together as a family before he died? What kind of cruel joke is this?!

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