Patient and Friend

[theRTRP]

I am a respiratory therapist. My profession means I deal with a lot of critically ill patients. I see death, I am a part of it. 

2 weeks ago I had the opportunity to take care of a female patient. She had Hodgkin's lymphoma.  She was in the hospital for two weeks prior to her coming under my care. 

I met her in a regular room, she was breathing hard. I was called to put her on BiPAP, after an hour I helped transfer her to the ICU. She was on the breathing machine for 24 hours a day for almost 2 weeks. She slowly improved. We were able to wean her, till she no longer needed the BiPAP, she still had oxygen suppert though.

Throughout her stay in the ICU, we became friends. We would chat a little, too much talking would tire her. I would assure her that she was gonna be okay, she would be back with her family soon. She  was probably my best patient. Always so polite and grateful.

I talked to her last on the morning of June 22nd, at the end of my night shift, I went to the ICU to say good bye to her. My next shift was on June 23rd, 2pm. I was so shocked to find out that she had been intubated and is not doing well. I went to the ICU to see her, it was not a good sight. She was unresponsive, I held her hand and talked to her. I made sure her ventilator was properly set, that  everything was in order.  Still I reassured her that she was gonna pull through. I spent my shift worrying about her, I saw no improvement. My shift ended at 11pm. 

After an hour at home I get a call from my workmate on night shift. She told me that my patient's heart has stopped beating and they tried to resuscitate her but they couldn't. It was 12:45am on June 24th, she was just 30 years old.

I cried and cried till it was time for my shift again the next day.

5 years in practice and I never let myself get too attached to patients for this exact reason. The one time I let my guard down, I end up so hurt. I have cared for countless of patients, pumped numerous hearts while silently willing for them to live. I have seen a lot of deaths but this one hit me hard like I have never experienced before. My heart still sinks to my stomach when I think of her, it's hard being alone. I feel guilty about all the assurances that I made.  And recently with Covid19, I have seen more deaths in a span of 3 months compared to my years of experience, it's too much. 

I worte this hoping someone could help me how they got over a patient's death.