15 Years Ago Today

[KayC]

I Haven't Left At All

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh;
But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;
I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.
When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground. 

At night while you are sleeping, I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie. 
You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind. 

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore. 
But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call; 
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all
So, dear Master as you live your life I patiently await
For us to be together when you pass through Heaven’s gate. 

I ran across this today, I needed this more than you can know, today it's 15 years since my sweet husband died.  It seems a lifetime ago since he held me in his arms, since I was able to talk with him.  Sometimes it feels so far away like I dreamed him up.  I've read this poem before, it's a good reminder that he has never truly left...they live in our hearts.  I cry as I say this, but Arlie is starting to feel that way too, it's been so long since I've seen that beautiful smile spread across his face.  Since I've held him in my arms.  It almost feels like more than I can bear.

[Missy1]

God blessed you Kay, you have been through so much. It seems so unfair you found your true love, only to be snatched away to soon. You still remain positive and inspire others. I bet George is so proud of you, smiling and with you every step of the way. Thank you for all that you do.

[tlc]

Hi Kay, the pain is unbelievable and just does not go away. It is like living in limbo, half here in the physical world and half in their world that we want to go home to. So much. Two years and two months of heartache and loneliness for the love of my life and my reason for living. I'm biding time, treading water and struggling all the time to get up each day and do it all again. Like Groundhog Day! I feel for us all who have lost so much. Like you, I have lost wonderful dogs, cats, children and lover. What more is expected of us? What else do we have to endure? I guess we will find out eh?? X

[KayC]

Well something happened yesterday that took my mind off the day...I got bit by the chow I walk every day.  It was bad, a lot of trauma in my hand, bit left side to right side of hand, six puncture wounds, deep.  His mom took me in to the doctor, 100 mile round trip.  Thankfully didn't sustain bone, nerve, tendon damage (far as we can tell at this point), but quite swollen and discolored.  Couldn't make a fist, doctor tested my fingers and hand, so it was good news although painful.

 

[KayC]

Thinking I do have nerve damage as I get a sharp pain if I turn it a certain way, also if I touch it there.  Doctor didn't test it that way.  Swollen wrist and hand, can't use it so am stuck using my numb/painful right hand to walk Kodie.  I had to tell Joe's mom today I can't walk him anymore, my family is reading me the riot act, and I know they're right but my heart is broken as I know Joe (the chow) loves me and doesn't understand anything.  It really is time for him to be put to sleep as they have little kids and he's bit them all but that's for them to make the call.  My heart is heavy...as if the anniversary of George's death (Father's Day 2005) isn't enough!  None of my family seems to remember or care.

[jwahlquist]

I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now.  What a rough day.  
Sending you virtual hugs.  

[KayC]

Thank you.  I'm where I hate Father's Day now.  I tried putting a positive spin on it as my son is a father now but can't even talk to him on Father's day so that makes it hard to do.

[foreverhis]

Oh no, Kay.  This is terrible.  I know Chows can be a problematic breed, not necessarily aggressive, but unpredictable.  It's extremely concerning that he has bitten the children as well.  Is this the same one who bit you before?  Either way, of course you can't walk him in the future.  Kodie needs you to be as healthy as possible and, frankly, you need that too. 

My sister and her husband visited with their dog who had only met me once before.  Twice, after I walked past him, he followed and leaped up at me with claws and teeth, though simply open and not biting.  We could not figure it out until I realized that both times I had quietly walked around furniture and then around him on his blind side--literally.  He lost an eye when he was young and can be startled, though he is not aggressive.  I am careful now to let him know "Hey dude, I'm right behind and beside you!"  That did the trick, but boy did I feel bad at first thinking, "Gee, animals usually adore me.  What's the deal?"  He did scratch my arm in two places, but not badly.  My sister and her husband were beside themselves about it.  I told them we'd figure it out and that time and familiarity would do the trick.

I know this is none of my business, but...are the chow's family taking care of any doctor bills, etc.?  They really should, IMO.  Honestly, I'm a little surprised that they wouldn't have either had him evaluated or found him a new home or, sadly, had him put down after biting so many people.  It's simply not acceptable.

Please let us know how you are doing.  Geez, we all want things to distract us from the worst days (much like me saying, "Oh sure, I'll have my screening colonoscopy the day before my wedding anniversary), but not that kind of distraction!  Take care of yourself and please, please if you haven't already, call the doctor and go in if necessary.  You've worked too hard to improve your health to have this set you back.

((hugs))

[foreverhis]

On 6/19/2020 at 6:18 AM, KayC said:

But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call; 

This line really got to me.  Because we met in the theater, spent a good deal of our spare time together in music and theater as avocations, and took our additional private vow that "even death won't part us now" from a song, the idea of death being the final curtain call is a very vivid image.  Actually, my love was a musician to the very end.  I had been playing some of our favorite music for him all day.  As it became clear he didn't have much time left (and I'm not even sure he heard me or the music at that point), I told him how much I loved him, that I'd love him forever, and that it was okay to stop fighting now.  And I played a few sentimental ballads we loved.  The last one was "In the Still of the Night" by Cole Porter.  I played the arrangement from the movie DeLovely, where it is the final song Cole is playing when he has just died.  The scene shifts to him playing it restored to youth as his wife, who died before him, comes up to him also restored to youth and they sing it together.  Here's the thing about that.  My love took his last breath as the final notes of that song drifted away.  I thought, "Of course, he couldn't leave me in the middle of a song.  Musicians don't do that."  And sometimes, late at night when I'm feeling my worst, I will stand outside, look up at the stars, and quietly sing that to him.  Maybe he can hear me.  I hope so.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

And sometimes, late at night when I'm feeling my worst, I will stand outside, look up at the stars, and quietly sing that to him.  Maybe he can hear me.  I hope so.

I love that...and perhaps he does!

[KayC]

@foreverhis, I went to the doctor, the only cost was $5 copay for Rx and she paid for that.  He's not a candidate for rehoming, as he's bitten us all, and yes, me twice, this one was a severe chomp.  May have some nerve damage but it'll be a while before knowing if permanent or not.  It swelled a lot and was very discolored but I heal quickly in spite of being diabetic and I'm in good health so the healing will hopefully be quick and complete, right now I am one-handed, including walking Kodie.  I think protecting the kids needs to be of utmost priority but that's her decision, and not mine.  I had a dog 33 years ago I had to have put to sleep because he bit a neighbor...I didn't hesitate as you can't let a dog continue like that, he had no reason as we were friends that looked after each other's dogs and their dogs and mine played together at will, but Teddy had cancer and we figure it must have gone to his brain, he was a golden retriever and had always been gentle.

This all hurts my heart more than my hand as I love Joe and I know he loves me.  I don't think his intent was to hurt me but to stop me when I pet him...I can only surmise he has pain that brought this on.  At any rate, it's time, poor Joe, but she's not going that route.  

[Heart&Soul]

@KayC Sending you hugs and hope your hand heals properly. 

 

[Dazed&Confused]

Kay - I am so sorry for your Father's Day and dog bite. I hope that you are feeling better today. 

[KayC]

Thank you...my heart is in much more pain than my hand/wrist are.  And not being able to walk Joe anymore hurts me tremendously as I worry about his not understanding and wondering where I am.

[Rhonda R]

Kay, please don't put this burden on yourself.  You weren't doing anything wrong.  Like your dog, maybe this dog has something going on in his brain that is causing him to behave this way.  I know what a dog lover you are but I have to say, not putting that dog down after all the people it has bitten is reckless.  Maybe I am a little sensitive to this issue because my daughter was bit in the face when she was four.  She knew the dog and had been at their home many times.  What I didn't know was the dog had bit other people before Leah.  It ended a friendship and the laws in Minnesota are pretty clear, the doctor was obligated to report it to the Sheriff's Office and the dog was put down.  Luckily it turned out okay for Leah.  He was within 2 cm of taking her eye but didn't.  She saw a plastic surgeon and has healed nicely but if you know and you look close, you can see it. 

Anniversaries sure do open up old wounds.  You got hit with a triple.  15 years is a long time but you didn't dream anything....it was all real.  It still belongs to you and no one can ever take it from you.  He's still in love with you.   

[KayC]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry about your daughter!  That never should have happened!  I didn't know Joe had bit all of them until after this happened, they have a two year old and four year old and a baby coming in August!  If anything happened and they didn't protect their kids, children's services could remove them all!  I do not understand keeping him alive under the circumstances, besides who knows what kind of pain he is in!  Besides she'd told me he was up on his shots the first time, now come to find out they hadn't taken him in for any since they got him beginning of last August.  His previous owner died two years before and a drug addict took him in, then would leave him for days so her family gave them Joe.  Poor Joe.  He is the loser in all of this but I hope and pray her kids don't suffer for their lack of decision-making.  It is hard all the way around.

My heart was literally broken for Joe when I went by with Kodie yesterday, he does not understand, he is confused and forlorn.  This feels worse than a death in a way because I know his heart is hurting, just as mine is.