Two years today

[Rhonda R]

Randy took his last breath two years ago today. I’ve been holding mine ever since. The love of your life is something you never get over, nor should you. People say the same things, he’s in a better place. You will see him again. None of this makes me feel better. I need him now. I miss him everyday. I ache to hold him every day. I really don’t care about “some day” right now. I care about today. I care about the last two years. Two years ago today was the worst day of my life. I don’t know how I made it two years, I really don’t. Tomorrow is his birthday. I just want to sleep. Here is a picture of my wonderful husband. The love of my life and my best friend. 

[MODArtemis2019]

I am so sorry for your pain. Reading your post, my first thought was, "He was a lucky man to have your love and caring."

I don't know how any of us make it. But we do. Maybe because life is precious even when the most important part of our life has been taken away.

I know what you mean about "worst day" and "best friend." Same for me. Exactly the same. 

We will never be the same. We will never forget. We will never get over the loss of our best friend and partner. But maybe there will come a time when we can be at peace with what happened. I hope that, for you and me and all of us. 

 

 

 

[Missy1]

What a beautiful couple, sorry for your pain, you have double whammy back to back days. I know that deep down feeling you want to be with him, it’s so hard. Surviving each day, with a hole in our hearts. So many precious memories we have to cling to. May you hang on the happiness and joy you shard during these difficult days. 

[foreverhis]

Hi Rhonda.  I was thinking about you today.  I didn't remember that today was "the day," but I knew it was fast approaching because mine is just a few weeks after yours.  I'm so sorry.  I wish I could reach through the internet and give you the biggest warm comforting hug in the world.  But I know even that wouldn't make it right or even better.

People just don't get it, do they?  I miss my husband every minute of every day, as you miss your beloved Randy.  I'm convinced that this pain and loss can only be understood by those who are living it.  I guess I'm lucky that I don't get and haven't gotten much of "He's in a better place" (no, better would be here with me) or "At least he's out of pain" (well, obviously I never wanted him to be in pain and would have taken it for him in a heartbeat) or things like that.  None of those platitudes are ever true or helpful.  Most days, not much makes me think I'll ever fully be of this world again.

Just keep breathing as you do each day.  That's all you should expect of yourself just now.  Well, that and please remember to eat and get enough fluid, even if you have to force yourself.  Don't do anything that would make you hurt more (as if that's possible), but if there is something like a little ritual you to had or a place close by that you went that you find comforting, please do that.  You know that this is all about you and your loss, and not at all about society's expectations.

The picture of you and Randy is lovely.  Such a handsome man with a wonderful smile.  That's one of the first things I noticed about my husband.  He had the most beautiful smile that lit up his whole face.  I've noticed lately that everyone's pictures have one thing in common:  The light of love just radiates from them.  That's what makes us lucky, but also what makes losing it so hard.

((hugs))

[KayC]

Ronda, I feel for you, I really do.  Two years is still so fresh....George's birthday was yesterday, his death day will be this Friday with double whammy Father's Day as it fell on that, that year.  I understand how hard it is to have these days back to back, just survive one and get hammered with another.  People act like it's no big deal "after all these years."  Yes, it is.  It is never easy no matter how much time passes.  It seems they only lend support the first year, if that.  They think I should have "moved on from it by now."  Just got that recently from one of my sisters, I set her straight.  My heart goes out to you.  You are a beautiful couple, and I understand how hard it is to have your other half gone...makes me feel so much emotion, I can't even express.  

[Rhonda R]

Thanks for all your replies.  It helps to be reminded that I just need to keep breathing and get through the day.  I don't know what it is with our sisters but it was actually one of his sisters that said that to me.  I got together with his two sisters and their husbands on Saturday, the 13th.  We were talking about their dad and Randy and she said, "Look at how lucky they are to not have to deal with everything going on in the world today."  Every fiber of my being was screaming no in my head but all I managed to get out was, "It doesn't feel the same for me."  Dealing with what is going on in the world today is something we would have done together.  At least he is no longer in pain totally discounts our wish that they were never sick in the first place.  That we had to sit there and watch their suffering.  I don't want him back sick or in pain.  When I say why him, I wonder why he had to get sick in the first place. 

Acceptance, I thought this was something we just did.  Nope. I go back and forth with acceptance as well.  I don't want to be there with him, I want him back with me healthy.  In my head, I know that is never going to happen but I can't stop wanting it.  I miss my husband in every way a wife misses her husband, we all do, that's what happens when you are happily married to your soul mate.  How do you move on from true love?  It's so rare. I literally know he is gone from my life with every breath.  The world has felt incomplete and off since the day he died.  It has gotten better but man there are days. 

Foreverhis, I have been very aware that your date is coming up as well since our loss was so close together.  It seemed like our journey was quite similar.  So many times all of you have said things and I'm just sitting here nodding my head.  Kay, I had no idea George's birthday was the 14th.  When they come in succession like that, it's hard to deal with it all at once.  I know you will never be "over it."  How could you be?  You shouldn't and I'm glad you were able to find the words to set her straight.  Another woman I met on here, her husband's birthday was the 13th.  We talked yesterday and cried together on the phone. I feel guilty complaining to people who are still in that raw stage of grief.  I should be a support system for them and here I am, falling apart. I'm sorry, for all of us, we are a part of this club we never wanted to join.   

Randy was a very handsome man but more than that, his personality shines through his smile.  People were just drawn to him where ever we went.  He was the life of the party.  He was the person people turned to at work when they needed help or advice.  He was a force and I always felt much safer when he was in the room.  He was the greatest guy ever unless you messed with his wife, kids or step kids. As my kids said yesterday, he was the greatest stepdad in the world.  I know you all have similar stories about your husbands.  I feel like a rag doll being pulled between ever so grateful and ever so sad.  One thing I am grateful for all the time is the support of all of you.  I've never met any of you and yet, you have been the biggest support to me.  Thank you, to each and every one of you.       

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I go back and forth with acceptance as well.

It's a process, sometimes three steps forward, one step backwards....or sometimes you feel you're flying backwards altogether, but this is all part of it.

Me too, I wish George were here to go through this with me?  Is that selfish of me?  I don't know, don't care, I NEED HIM!  And he wouldn't mind going through anything as long as we were together.

19 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I feel guilty complaining to people who are still in that raw stage of grief.

Never feel guilty, you feel what you feel and are entitled to feel whatever you do!  Just because you're not in month one doesn't mean this is easy or that you aren't suffering.  I had someone get onto me for being on my other grief site at ten years...as if I should be past all that by then..  Truth is, I was on there for people like her, newly grieving.  She's now in year six and gets it.  It doesn't magically disappear.  This is our life now!

19 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

As my kids said yesterday, he was the greatest stepdad in the world.

Mine felt the same way and were glad we had each other.  I remember my son telling me he had to be really careful not to take advantage of George.  I asked what he meant and he said, "Well I'm just thinking aloud how I need to do something and before I come to he has it done already!  I smiled, it was true.  He loved pleasing,helping, especially me and my kids, but he was the same way with the downtrodden, the homeless.  He was just the most caring man I ever knew.  I remember one time he went to the store and the kids' dad was in line ahead of him, in his three piece suit, on his way home from church.  He looked at George haughtily, as he saw George buying cigarettes and a lottery ticket and a donut.  George would have been at church that day (it was Mother's Day) but he'd spent the morning rescuing my daughter's belongings from someone who stored them for her and then wouldn't let her have them back.  He jumped up and said, "Well they won't tell ME no!" and off he went.  Funny, Melissa's dad was never around for such things, always at church, impressing people.  At least George didn't keep it a secret that he smoked, my kids' dad lied to me for over 20 years about it, never kissing me, so he could protect his secret...sacrificing my selff-esteem in the process.  I had more respect for George!  

[Adria]

I am so sorry. And I completely understand your pain. I lost my husband of 30 years 8 months ago. I know that feeling of literally aching for them. If you ever need someone to talk or vent to, I’m here.


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[KayC]

@Adria  I am so sorry for your loss, and here you are reaching out to someone else in the midst of your fresh loss.  I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, (it'll be 15 years tomorrow) and hope something in it will be of help to you either now or later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Adria]

Thank you so much. There is so much good information in what you sent! I appreciate it so much. I have some experience in dealing with grief, we lost our oldest daughter 16 years ago. At that time, we handled our grief by holding it in, it took quite a bit of time before we realized that was not the way to handle it. What I struggle with the most now, is that we did everything together, even worked together. Sometimes I feel a physical pain that he is not here anymore. I do have a great support system with my family and they don’t let me be alone, but that doesn’t take the lonely feeling away. Taking it day by day.


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[Rhonda R]

17 hours ago, Adria said:

What I struggle with the most now, is that we did everything together, even worked together. Sometimes I feel a physical pain that he is not here anymore.

I worked with my husband too in a correctional facility.  He was part of the A team and SORT.  The A Team is the group of staff that respond to emergencies and fights all day.  The SORT team is the Special Operations Response Team for the big stuff.  Memories of him are around every corner.  I just felt safer working here when he was also here.  I met him here, fell in love with him here and he proposed to me in front of the facility.  He said, "It all started here and even though this would seem weird to most, this place holds a special place in my heart because it gave me you."  I know that feeling of never being able to escape your loss.  Everyone at work knew him and they aren't quite sure what to say so most say nothing, which hurts even more.

I too get this feeling of sick to my stomach at times.  Like it just happened all over again.  I also remember being in a room full of people and being so incredibly lonely for my husband.  I'm glad you have a great support system and they are helping you though. 

[Rhonda R]

@KayC 15 years is a long time to be without the love of your life.  It's amazing you stay so positive but I think down deep, that's just who you are.  I'm sure today triggers memories and feelings of loss for you.  I'm sending you a big hug today and hoping the day isn't too painful for you.  Anyone who thinks you should be over this by now was not lucky enough to share a love like yours and George's. 

Thank you for turning your grief into support for others.  We all look at you and know that somehow, we will make it too.  That doesn't mean you aren't sad or have your bad days, moments, or hours.  It simply means we know we will make it.  Take care of yourself today.  I'm so sorry. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Adria said:

Taking it day by day

That's the way I've learned to get by.  15 years today....it doesn't seem possible.  Shows we can survive the unthinkable.

7 minutes ago, Rhonda R said:

I met him here, fell in love with him here and he proposed to me in front of the facility.  He said, "It all started here and even though this would seem weird to most, this place holds a special place in my heart because it gave me you."

Wow!  His job sounds really hard.  What is your job?

 

1 minute ago, Rhonda R said:

@KayC 15 years is a long time to be without the love of your life.  It's amazing you stay so positive but I think down deep, that's just who you are.  I'm sure today triggers memories and feelings of loss for you.  I'm sending you a big hug today and hoping the day isn't too painful for you.  Anyone who thinks you should be over this by now was not lucky enough to share a love like yours and George's. 

Thank you for turning your grief into support for others.  We all look at you and know that somehow, we will make it too.  That doesn't mean you aren't sad or have your bad days, moments, or hours.  It simply means we know we will make it.  Take care of yourself today.  I'm so sorry. 

Thank you so much for this, it means a lot.  People who think "I should be over it by now" do not know the kind of love we had together.  Many never do, for that I feel lucky that we had it all, however too brief it was.  I will try not to think about that last weekend, seeing his pain, I will try to focus on the wonderful marriage we had.  And I'm glad you had it too.

[Rhonda R]

I am a Corrections Security Case Manager Career.   I'm like a probation officer within the facility.  When they come in, I read their case, comb over their criminal history, personal information, family, peers, gang affiliation, etc.  Then I meet with them one on one and we come up with a plan for the most positive use of their time.  I am the contact for the public/family for any and all questions about guys on my case load.  I deliver death notifications, register sex offenders, put visit restrictions on individuals (no child visits), make sure guys who are going to kill each other are kept apart and make sure they are screened for all appropriate programming and classes.  I'm the contact for their ongoing legal issues, and a contact for the courts and attorneys.  I work at the intake facility but I have a number of offenders that I am responsible for their release.  I research appropriate placements for them, help set their conditions of release, request an agent from the county and then work with that agent all the way through to release including how is the offender getting home.  If they are a sex offender, I register them again, make sure they get a risk level in the community, notify the department to review them for civil commit if their history is bad enough.  I am not only the most senior case manager at my facility, I am the most senior case manager in the entire state.  Case Manager is not to be confused with social worker although we do a lot of those tasks as well if they have no support system in the community.  Although, I started here as a correctional officer and worked that position for three years before I was promoted to case manager.  That is how I met Randy 31 years ago.  At some point during our career, we both were divorced and our friendship grew.  We were together the last 8 years of his life....not long enough. 

Yes, his job was hard and stressful.  I can't tell you how many correctional officers get cancer and I truly believe a part of it is the stress of their job.  In a period of three years, we had five staff commit suicide, just at our facility.  Two years ago this July we had an officer killed by on offender and a month later a 35 year old officer had a heart attack responding to a situation. 

[Adria]

Rhonda, I absolutely understand this! I also worked with my husband on the daily, and he had even started his own company 3 months before he died so that me and our daughter would have something. It’s almost like he knew. And we do constantly deal with people who knew him and loved him. It can get really hard at times.


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[KayC]

Your job sounds very hard and stressful.  Bless you both!  We need people like you and him.

[JoyR]

I'm  sure this is stressful. Not only are you dealing with other people's issues you have your own to deal with. I understand this all too well. It can be overwhelming and you feel weighed down as well. I feel so bad reading this because I know the feeling of having yo be strong in your career and life for others but finding balance isnt easy when it comes to yourself. Not having your love one to comfort you thru this can cause you to feel anxiety at least I do. Luckily I'm learning to cope and find love again. But the loss never goes away. I pray you find strength and peace of mind thru this time. 

[Rhonda R]

On ‎6‎/‎20‎/‎2020 at 4:49 PM, JoyR said:

But the loss never goes away

No, unfortunately it never does.  I am glad you are finding ways to move forward with your life.  It's not easy.  One foot in this life and one foot in the past.  A constant pull between the two.  But, the bottom line is we are all still here, still getting out of bed in the morning, still loving the people who have left us, and those who have not.  I really hope you continue moving forward, you have come a very long way over a rough road.  Just when we think we don't have any strength left, we find just a little more.  Here's to hoping you continue to find just a little more.  It's good to hear from you.