About Falling Down

[Dazed&Confused]

It's been a while since I posted here. I posted in another thread about falling down and was encouraged to share more, no matter how effed up.

When I was first in the grieving process, it may have been because I was numb and in a lot of denial, protected by own brain. I was feeling like hell, but had the ability to be grateful about things and also was pretty adamant about staying positive and away from harmful things. I should have known better. Maybe I was hopeful, maybe I was too optimistic.

To start with, I started drinking again. A little at first. Within 6 weeks - it was 10 a night and waking up physically feeling like **** to go with the emotional feeling like ****. I did manage to realize what was happening and was able to stop it immediately after realizing that what I was doing was going to lead to big trouble. I was completely stone cold sober for almost 7 years. Blew that to hell, but at least have the opportunity to stay sober again. I REALLY hope that I can manage it and stay clean.

I've lost all patience now. I find that work discussions during projects where people meander all over the place now drives me completely insane. I made a journal entry about it yesterday. I've had to apologize to a coworker this week after getting a bit testy during a meeting. He knows about my loss and even said that he thought it was the customer making me testy. 

Work is almost completely meaningless. What used to be approached with conviction and passion now is a chore that means less than ****. It pays the bills. I have to remain apparently engaged, even if I am not. I have to remain reasonably productive. Like everyone else, I am a wage slave.

Today is week #22, day 154 since she died. The tears now come more than ever. I went fishing yesterday after work for a little bit and was completely in tears when I got home. Maybe it is sinking in that she is never, ever coming back. I still have not moved or touched anything of hers. Jesus I am so alone. A stranger in a strange land. 

When they locked us all down, I really didn't see anyone, except neighbors if outside. Some of the friends that were around at first apparently have been abducted by aliens. They are nowhere. Some of my own family never bothered to contact me. All of my cousins, who I thought cared, never called, to offer anything. The only ones who ever contacts me to ask how I am doing is my 19 YO. I was down there visiting over Memorial Day week and my oldest one did not have time to even see me.

Living for the promise of a better day is growing dimmer and seemingly more futile. It seems like there will never be a better day. My favorite time of the year sucks now. I can't wait for the holidays. Christ. They'll be a suck fest for all times probably.

I am still going to grief group and enjoy the time, although it has been online lately. Just doing anything but journaling a few times a week is not something I have the energy to do. 

I KNOW a lot of people have it worse than I do. Although it is more out of habit, I still give and try to help others. That does help offset the hell of losing the only person who ever really gave a good god damn about me. Knowing that a lot of people have it a lot worse that I do also makes me hold a lot of this inside and chew on it as well as the way I was raised. 

Thank you for encouraging me to vent.

[Missy1]

Your post is very honest and raw and I know I am feel the same way about my life. I was debating posting because it seems to not be of any value. I am not feeling better either, I am on week 19 and hanging by a thread. We do what we have to to keep this, what “this” is going. I don’t know why, no reason anymore.

Alien abductions must be on the rise, same here, all those people who say they cared or would watch out for me are gone. I feel that most people are selfish and don’t want to be bothered. I used to be optimistic and full of passion and laughter, now I only fake smile if it’s expected. 

I was just outside watering and felt so defeated, no one gives a damn about me. One of those overwhelming days just keep multiplying. I see no kindness or compassion in the world. Bullying and people who don’t see you or care to. 

I know that people get through this somehow, never the same. I to still feel lost and so very much alone. I don’t want to even be around other people. It’s difficult to tolerate others as they glide through life with their Spouse and still don’t get it. We loved our person  fiercely and nothing helps ease that loss.

I just want to say that my hope is that somehow we find peace and the pain subsides. Thanks for posting it made me less alone.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I posted in another thread about falling down and was encouraged to share more, no matter how effed up.

Yes, please do share as you are able.  We're all messed up!  Sometimes it helps me to remember that when I'm feeling like "I should be doing better" and "I should be further along the journey" and blah, blah, blah.  I can come here and know that no matter what, other members will listen and understand.

3 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

To start with, I started drinking again. A little at first. Within 6 weeks - it was 10 a night and waking up physically feeling like **** to go with the emotional feeling like ****. I did manage to realize what was happening and was able to stop it immediately after realizing that what I was doing was going to lead to big trouble.

I've been acutely aware of the risks of going for an extra glass of wine or "Oh, why not make a second cocktail" because, even though there's no history of alcoholism in my family, it's all too easy to slip into having "just one more" to quiet the noise in my head and dull the pain in my life.  I'm a lightweight with drinking, so even one extra can make me feel like crap all the next day.  I also keep in mind that alcohol is a depressant and I don't need to be more depressed than I already am.

Good for you for realizing the damage you were doing to yourself and getting back on track.  I can only imagine what courage and strength it takes to do that.  I'd think the one thing that could send you off the rails, so to speak, would be losing your wife.  It's the worst thing in the world and can cause any of us to go down a dark road.  I'm in that dark pit myself, just not as often as I used to be.  It's not just for your sake, but for your love's as well, for you to stay sober.  But if you have stumbles along the way, please don't berate yourself for them. If you're tempted--and of course there are times you will be--try to remember that by stopping you took a step forward for yourself and your love.  That's a huge thing for any of us.  Ask for help whenever you need it, even though we can only help you virtually.  We are here and you know we never judge each other.

3 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I've lost all patience now. I find that work discussions during projects where people meander all over the place now drives me completely insane. I made a journal entry about it yesterday. I've had to apologize to a coworker this week after getting a bit testy during a meeting. He knows about my loss and even said that he thought it was the customer making me testy. 

That seems really common.  Having lost the most important thing in our lives, we have no patience for what seems like or is petty crap.  I'm glad your coworker was understanding.  Writing in your journal is a great way of getting out anger and frustrations.  So many things have lost meaning for me; I just don't care.  But I'm finding that time makes it a little easier to breathe through what annoys or angers me.  Right now, a personal peeve is when I hear others whine about "My spouse is driving me crazy during this isolation."  I want to scream loudly, "You jerk!  Do you know what I would give to have my husband here with me?  Stop taking everything for granted and appreciate the fact that you have the luxury of being annoyed!"  So I doubt that I'll ever be truly easy-going again.  I'm shooting for being more tolerant.  I do find that I'm more compassionate in some ways now--but it's taking a lot of energy and patience with myself to get there.

3 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

The tears now come more than ever. I went fishing yesterday after work for a little bit and was completely in tears when I got home. Maybe it is sinking in that she is never, ever coming back. I still have not moved or touched anything of hers. Jesus I am so alone. A stranger in a strange land. 

You're at the 5-6 month mark.  That seems to be a time when most of us feel we're going backward, that life seems even more futile and painful again.  Yes, I believe part of it is that everything is really sinking in, others have gone back to their own lives, and we see life stretching out ahead of us without our one essential love.  We're having to accept that they are gone from this life.  By accept I mean only that, not believing that it's right or fair because it isn't and it never will be.  I had a huge setback at 6 months or so.  I talked about it here and found so much reassurance that it is common, so I didn't feel as alone. 

In life, yes, I feel alone even when I'm in a roomful of people who I love and who love me and my husband.  It's been nearly 2 years now and there are many, many things I haven't moved.  Maybe I never will and maybe people will or already do think that's weird.  I don't care.  A stranger in a strange land sums it up pretty well.  The world spins on around us and we wonder if we'll ever belong to it again.  In this, as in so many other things, I understand.  I cannot know exactly how you feel because our grief journey is unique to each of us.  But remember we are all walking the same road, together.

3 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

Some of the friends that were around at first apparently have been abducted by aliens. They are nowhere. Some of my own family never bothered to contact me. All of my cousins, who I thought cared, never called, to offer anything. The only ones who ever contacts me to ask how I am doing is my 19 YO. I was down there visiting over Memorial Day week and my oldest one did not have time to even see me.

This too is very common and painful.  My husband and I had already lost fair weather friends over a number of years when we were both diagnosed with long-term, non life threatening medical conditions and had to "down size" our lives.  We were left with a very small, extremely loyal group of friends and family.  I guess in a way I was lucky that I already knew who I could count on.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with a double isolation.  It's hard enough for those of us who are further along.  For you whose grief is so fresh and raw, it must be that much worse.  That your oldest didn't even make time for you, well, it makes me both sad and angry for you.  I know it's probably not my place, but it upsets me on your behalf just the same.  There are all kinds of reasons people give for drifting away, especially because we are a tangible reminder that this could and likely will happen to them someday.  People are so uncomfortable with the grief of others that they prefer to pretend it doesn't exist and therefore, we don't exist. 

Our society sucks at dealing with it and so we're left stumbling along on our own.  In late middle age, I only have one extended family member who lost her husband a few years before I lost mine.  Everyone else still has theirs.  Sometimes I have to work hard at not resenting that.  So I try to spend my limited energy and positive times with people who will truly be there for me.  I've had to separate myself from a few people who either pretend my husband never existed at all or who spend too much of their time whining about the problems in their lives.  One casual friend would just go on and on and on about issues she was having without once asking how I was doing, feeling, etc.  I finally had to remove her from my life, gently but firmly.

I don't know if this helps, but after several months of basically being a hermit by choice, a number of neighbors who were casual friends and who had started reaching out when my husband was going through his cancer treatments and hospitalizations, were reaching out even more.  It was maybe 8 months after my love died that I started to be open to that.  I now have a small, new, and unexpected core group of local neighbor friends.  All of our small family and life-long and long-term friends live out of the area at least 3 hours away, so having friends who literally live across the street has been a lifesaver and a grace in my life.  I urge you to be open to that possibility down the road a bit and when you are ready.  It's good that you're still involved with your grief support group, even though it has to be virtual for now.  Those connections are invaluable.

3 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I KNOW a lot of people have it worse than I do. Although it is more out of habit, I still give and try to help others. That does help offset the hell of losing the only person who ever really gave a good god damn about me. Knowing that a lot of people have it a lot worse that I do also makes me hold a lot of this inside and chew on it as well as the way I was raised. 

Thank you for encouraging me to vent.

A few days ago, my sister told me she's been feeling guilty about how upset and stressed she's been during the difficulties of isolation, especially knowing what life is like for me now.  I reminded her that knowing others have it worse, in some cases much worse, does not negate her own concerns or problems.  The same certainly holds true for us.  I do try to be thankful my husband made sure I'd be okay.  I don't have a ton of money or possessions, but I was able to pay off the remaining mortgage, have a few projects done, and will have enough insurance money leftover to buy a new car this fall.  My life and world are small, but I've the essentials.  Still none of that, none of the things I am thankful for, can possibly make up for my broken life and my shattered heart.

I too was raised with keeping things inside, sometimes until a small thing seems huge.  I still usually "put on the brave face" in front of people, even family and friends, even though I've vowed to try not to do that as much.  Venting here is one of the best release valves I can imagine.  I'm glad you decided to talk about what's been happening and how you've been feeling.  Obviously, we can't make things better, but we will always be here to listen, to help if asked, and to share our own experiences as we stumble along what's left of our lives.

[KayC]

foreverhis response was thorough and good.  Said everything I was thinking.  

What you are feeling is entirely normal & common for where you're at in the journey.  This is one of the hardest times.  Only you can make your life what you want it to be.  I loved my job and would have worked there until I was 70 if I could have but it was the recession and it went under.  My next job was awful, made it easy to retire from although I hadn't expected to so soon.  Even with no extra money, I prefer retirement to commuting 100 miles/day working for a boss that was an idiot, seriously at a dead-end job.  Have you considered paring down so your needs are minimal and taking a lower-paying job that is more enjoyable or fulfilling?  Where you are at doesn't sound like a good fit right now.  Just a thought.

I'm glad you expressed yourself here.  It helps to get it out and know you're heard, even if we can't fix anything for you.  ALL of our friends disappeared when George died.  ALL of them!  I've since had to work on building new friendships, hard at my age as people already have their friends, but it can be done.  My best friend of ten years (I made after his death) moved to TX when she remarried and I miss her a lot.  Now it seems I have bits and pieces of friendships but nothing as substantial as I had with her.  But I plug away at it, which is all any of us can do.  This pandemic set me back to square one it seems, but we're all in the same boat dealing with that.

I hope you're getting grief counseling as having/showing anger at work can cost a job, not a good place to be.  Been through job loss three times since George died!  Faced age discrimination for the first time in my life.  Not fun!  Made it through everything intact though and never missed a meal.

Congratulations on your facing drinking and helping yourself through that!  It can be very tempting in early grief, so important to realize as you've found that it really doesn't solve anything.  I can't drink (Diabetic) and my father was an alcoholic so I don't want to go there, but I understand the allure of not wanting to feel anything or face this life as it is.  It is the hardest thing in the world to get used to living without your person, but I've been on my own 15 years now so more used to it even though it wasn't my preference and I continue to miss George and love him no matter how much time passes.

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time.  It comes and goes for me.  Some days/weeks are better than others that is for sure.  
 

I , too, have little patience with mundane and seemingly useless work things.  But I am lucky in that a lot of the time I enjoy my job.  It also provides a lot of distractions which helps because then I don’t focus solely on my grief.  
 

I am thankful for modern medicines as those have been a big help.  I don’t know how I would be feeling without Zoloft and Trazadone to help me sleep.  I have found therapy helpful as well. Although, sometimes I have a hard time with actually following through with things he therapist suggests.  
 

The one thing the therapist stressed this week was for me to come up with things involving self-care.   I am not sure what I can come up with that I can actually do besides yard work and spending time outside.  I would love to get a massage, a pedicure and etc but somethings are not open here yet.    What things do you do for self-care?   Have you been doing anything to take care of yourself or to relax?   My therapist really stressed the self care aspect as being a part of feeling a bit better.  
 

I am hoping that we both have some peaceful day’s in the near future.  I know I could use some and it sounds like you could too.  

[Dazed&Confused]

Thank you all, first of all. It really is nice to have a place to let it out without judgement or fear of it. Only concern and right on responses - thank you!! This does help. Tremendously! Although we're up She-it Creek in a chickenwire boat without a paddle, it is certainly a great help. 

I've got a book that I haven't started reading yet about how the grief process is seen as undesirable in this country. Everyone wants you to get back to normal and move on, there's nothing you can do anyway. Better days are ahead. What? You haven't gone through your loved one's things yet? You'll meet somebody soon - and it'll be better than before. All of which I heard throughout my short foray into this space and time. Some more than once.

It's really good to hear that everything I am going through is normal. I didn't have many friends anyway to start with and there is a core few that I still talk to regularly or see. But my family. Man that's difficult. I am glad I have my kitties. They still love me, even if there is an ulterior motive - LOL. I have worked from home for the past 7 years, so what used to be days spent with my wife close by are now spent alone. I am glad to hear that you also have problems with crowds. I went out to eat last night after working on refinishing my deck all day and there were a few people there, I must just have been so tired that I didn't really care and just ate and left. I am going to finish that job today. I am furloughed this week, so I wanted to get the project out of the way to do things.

My job I enjoy 95% of the time. I didn't mean to make it sound like it is a complete ball and chain. It was just a really hard week and the Project Manager has been driving us all unreasonably hard to meet his dates. I am not the only one that is feeling burned out right now from it. And to put the Covid stuff on top of it for everyone, well, you know! I am extremely lucky that I have a job I really love and enjoy the vast majority of the time. If I had the means would I retire now? Absolutely. But at least I have a job that I like and is good to me. We've all had that sucky job with that bastard boss. When I do things that are incorrect, I own them and move forward. Part of my plan is to downsize and do more with less. We bought this house with the idea that we'd do some work on it and when ready, sell it and downsize to our "last" house. I am in the middle of doing projects to make that a reality. Decks refinished - almost done. new A/C - couple of weeks. Painting - still to come. I don't know where I am going to wind up - I can live anywhere with my job. I will not start entertaining serious thoughts until a year from now probably. 

I do walk the neighborhood fairly regularly and talk to my neighbors some. Most are pretty friendly, so that's a bright spot. Maybe one day we'll do things. I am a member of a sportsman's club, but have not felt up to going out there lately. Maybe when the time comes, I'll get more involved with that. Nice folks. It is really difficult to make friends now. 

Most of my self care comes from riding my motorcycles now. It puts me in the moment and relaxes me, unless I am in traffic, then we have to be hyper vigilant to keep from getting run over. I have one bike that is a throwback to when I was a teenager and I'd go on Sunday Morning rides by myself. I've managed to get that same feeling a couple of times on that bike. It's not exactly the same make or model, but it is the same color and same country of origin. I will probably ride it for a while today after changing the filter and oil Friday night. I walk the neighborhood and I rode by the gym yesterday and see it's open again, so I will be going back for regular weight lifting and cardio. I could eat better, too. 

 

[KayC]

I miss riding...George and I were keeping an eye out for a good deal on a motorcycle, he made a four hour round trip to get one only to be told it was already gone the moment it listed (they didn't give a phone number, just an address).  I still have my leathers, why I don't know, I'll probably never ride again at my age, but it's an enjoyable memory of other days.

You have a lot of plans, things that will keep you busy for a long time, that's good.  I'm glad you normally feel better at your job, I was lucky all my life to have jobs I loved until the last one.  Made it easy to retire from!  The one before that I loved, such a great fit, I miss it still.  I do volunteer work now, keeps me busy but I think I'm burning out on the Treasurer job, just want it behind me, want something working with people more, Lord knows I'm alone enough!  Although still feeling nervous about returning to our lives as I know this COVID thing is not over yet.

I apologize if I came across telling you what to do, that's part of who I am, a fixer, always looking for solutions, sometimes people don't want/need that, they just want to be heard, listened to.  Anyway, barring the fixing/solutions, I do hear you and am listening.  I hope you got your ride in this weekend!  And can get back to the gym soon.  We don't have a gym here, out in the country, here people stack firewood, shovel snow, pick up branches (daily) and walk dogs, do yard work...that is our exercise.  By the time we do all that we are too pooped to go to a gym if one existed!  

I understand how hard it is to make friends, been working on that for years, every time I get some something happens like this pandemic!

 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

My therapist really stressed the self care aspect as being a part of feeling a bit better.  

Your therapist is right.  Took me years to figure this out.  I do now, part of my self care is eating right, getting exercise, taking care of this place, but also having balance.  Not just working ALL the time, although that seems to be my nature, I for some reason seem to feel I need to be productive.  My mom was constantly working around the place, so was my kids' dad, although he did relax in the evenings.  I think I always felt I'd be judged if I let down a bit, but I'm learning it's okay to take some time for ME once in a while!  I seem to feel I shouldn't spend money on ME too but I'm learning to do that too.  I bought all new matching rugs for this place this month, still have one more to order.  It feels good to do something for ourselves!  And I feel much better after getting my weight to normal and my blood tests too!  Only have one more to work on and I think it's achievable.  I can't believe how strict I have to be with my eating, but I'm doing it.

[jwahlquist]

19 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

You'll meet somebody soon - and it'll be better than before.

I hate this one.  My sister-in-law even told what dating website I should use.  UGH!   My husband passed away not quite 5 months ago.  I am am not even ready to think about dating.  Besides I don’t even know why I would ever try dating.  I am 42 and have been with my husband for 23 years.......so most of adult life.   Nothing could ever be better than my husband......he was my perfect person.  

[Missy1]

5 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

hate this one.  My sister-in-law even told what dating website I should use.  UGH!   My husband passed away not quite 5 months ago.  I am am not even ready to think about dating.  Besides I don’t even know why I would ever try dating.

I think the same, hate it. I have a friend who lost her hubby Oct. 2019, she is 50, and stared meeting men on eharmony, it has been a disaster for her. Lots of scary people who just aren’t right in the head, or they are looking to take advantage of lonely women. I can’t even imagine doing that myself, but I never judge. I had my one love, I am grateful I found my soulmate.

[Dazed&Confused]

Yes! We have to take care of ourselves and I don't know why some people insist that we should be out meeting people - whether in person or online - for the topic of any sort of romantic relationship. I don't want to date - possibly ever because it is so scary and like Missy said - so many nut jobs out there. I have a few friends and that's perfectly fine. 

I am furloughed this week, so I decided to go out to the little town we lived in when we first were starting off. Needless to say, it was a very emotional trip seeing all of the town, walking around it and eating lunch at one of the places we used to frequent so long ago. I had to come back for my grief group, so I didn't get to see and do everything I wanted. It was a good meeting and I was able to let a lot more out and a lot of tears. Yesterday, I went back out there and walked down to the house and took some pics. Also went to a park to see if I could find a fallen tree that we had a pic taken on with the dog so long ago. I think I found it, but the park department had cut it. 

Real emotional week. I feel like I needed to do it. So many things I had forgotten. So much the same and so much different. Lord I sure miss her. I am so thankful for her and it is worth every ounce of pain now and for the foreseeable future for the love we have. 

I did get done refinishing the decks and getting the outdoor furniture set out, hanging baskets done and making it like it we always had it. It is great to sit out there in the evenings and have a cigar, think about things and if nothing else, meditate and be still and quiet.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I am so thankful for her and it is worth every ounce of pain now and for the foreseeable future for the love we have. 

Agree 100%.  Even knowing what my life would be like now, even knowing the pain I'd feel, I'd still have jumped in and not looked back.  We had known each other about 18 months as casual friends and had been getting to know each other better when he asked me out on our first date.  That day we spent wandering Golden Gate Park and the museums, and took a hike on the Marin Headlands.  It felt right to me and clearly for him too as we then spent the evening just sitting and talking at his apartment.  Yes, there was some kissing and hugging, but he made not a single move toward anything else.  I felt so respected because of that.  I asked him about that months later and he said it was important to him that such intimacy be with only someone we like, love, and respect.  When it was the right time, it truly was a bonding.  I knew even after that first date that I belonged with and to him. I was lucky and would not trade that for anything.  We each knew the "price" one of us would eventually pay, though we expected it to be at least 10 years later than it was, as he was only 71 and so very young in many ways. 

[Missy1]

7 hours ago, Dazed&Confused said:

I am furloughed this week, so I decided to go out to the little town we lived in when we first were starting off. Needless to say, it was a very emotional trip seeing all of the town, walking around it and eating lunch at one of the places we used to frequent so long ago

What a great way to feel close to her. I feel like maybe I can still be in a relationship with my. Husband, I can survive on the love we had. I do have visitation dreams they are wonderful until I realize, in the dream that he has passed on and we are in in some middle plane world and I cannot stay. I KNOW there is an afterlife and he is in heaven but still visits me. 

[Missy1]

I hope you don’t mind me posting on your thread but I fell so hard today Father’s Day and his birthday is in a week I started looking at pictures and videos I found a video from our home security camera for the last time he walked down the hallway.. before he died, Minutes before he dies,  I froze the video and cried out, please stop, turn around, I love you,we are just arguing. Please God stop him, I can’t live without him, I love you, please stop and see what is real. I am so broken, I NEED him, I hate this existence, I am venting, neighbors probably heard me screaming and crying. It will never be the same, never be okay...

[KayC]

Oh Missy, I am so sorry!  I know it's so painful!  I cried out when I cleaned out George's trailer, why I didn't wait until someone was with me, I don't know, I should have, but I screamed/cried so loud all the neighbors on the street could hear I am sure but no one responded.  No easy way through this but we get through it, little by little.  Sending you hugs, hon.

[Missy1]

Thank you, I guess we will come across tiggers in our life and these triggers will assault our delicate emotional state and hit us like ton of bricks. 

[Dazed&Confused]

Missy - not an issue at all. I am so sorry to read your post, though. My neighbors have also probably heard me going off, too. This will never be OK.