Lost my wife

[Bill426]

Lost my wife may 5th

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[Bill G]

Hi Bill. Lost mine May 2. How you holding up? (I know the answer is not well, just a conversation starter...)

My wife beat breast cancer only to die of a blood clot suddenly at age 40. The anxiety is crippling and I needed to be prescribed medication due to shortness of breath, numbness in arms (anxiety attack symptoms). Beyond missing her and feeling sad for my two young kids, I have issues relating to the trauma of seeing her collapse in the house.

Just getting to making phone calls to set up grief counseling now. All while dealing with financial stuff and trying to pump out thank you notes to all the nice people in our lives that reached out after her passing.

This is my first day on here but I've already noticed it helps. A lot of people with a lot of experience in this, so I hope you soak in the advice that helps, discard anything that doesn't and can find peace.

[KayC]

@Bill G  I am so sorry for your loss.  Your loss is very recent, I was a wreck at that point...it's been 15 years for me, in the beginning I didn't see how I'd do a week.  

It does help to express yourself and know you are heard and understood...people can't get it if they haven't been through it, it's beyond any of our imaginations.

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years and am hoping something will be of help to you now and something else later on, as our grief journey evolves.

The most helpful tip I got was to take a day at a time...looking at  doing 40 years without him was too much to handle.  The other most iimportant tip was learning to look for joy in every day, no matter how small...and not to compare losses.  Our own loss is the greatest loss there is.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Missy1]

So sorry for you loss, both of you. Losing our loved ones is life altering and jarring in so many ways we cannot fathom until we experience it first hand. It’s the single most horrible event that we had to survive, shocking and surreal. Going on 4 months and I still don’t what I am going to do without him in my life. We have to try to find reasons to carry on and make them proud. I wish you peace and strength. This is a great place, people are kind and we all understand as we are all grieving our own losses, walking the same road.  

[Geoff S]

I too lost my wife on March 23rd to cancer (NET and metastatic bone cancer) , It was a 5 year battle, but she was a trooper to the end! It was my 3rd marriage, her second, we were both empty nesters, and I just retired. Our love for each other was profound, and I can truly say she was my soulmate.

I am truly saddened of my wife leaving this earth so soon, the silence of the house is over whelming at times, the friendly banter over morning coffee, the nightly "sweet dreams" as we retired at night , is met only with silence. 
 

Bill426, I support you in your grief, it's only been 8 weeks for me, They say it will get better with time, I hope they are right!

 

 

, 

[KayC]

@Geoff S

Welcome here...from one fellow Oregonian to another.  My George was my third husband too, he was the only man who ever truly loved me, he was my soulmate and best friend, we could relate to each other, we clicked from the beginning.  I am so sorry that another person is facing such loss...it is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I wrote this article based on the things I found helpful over the years and hope something will be of help to you today and something else perhaps on down the road, as our journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Bill G]

I think for me the biggest shock has been that grief is so much more than sadness. I figured you'd be sad for a few months, a year... It's been intense anxiety (symptoms ranging from heart palpitations to tingling in the extremities. I'm on a relatively low dose of anxiety medication, high blood pressure medication, and melatonin (OTC) for sleep. I've seen my family doc (who I credit with helping me get through the funeral - the anxiety attack symptoms had me thinking I might be done for) and spoke with the pulmonologist's office. Just blown away by the physical toll. Grief counseling begins Friday and in the meantime I'm working on breathing exercises. Not sure how much the suddenness has to do with the above, but for anyone to lose a spouse in any kind of way it has to be painful. Even the expression "heavy heart" - I never got it until now. Thank you Bill, Kay, Missy, and Geoff.

[Missy1]

@Bill G I know that feeling in your chest, feels like you can’t fully breathe, my heat beats irregular and I still have bad anxiety, I understand. I was told it’s a normal part of grief. I do not want to go on any meds. I know that meds can help some people, I hope it helps you. I honestly don’t know how people get through this, it is crippling. Know you are not alone, there are many of us and this is good place where we can express ourselves without judgement, you will always be welcome here. 

[gary t huntington]

Right here with you My brother   feb  11 2020  the  worst day of our life , ,  its hard so figgin Hard takes your breath away   , this family group on here is one of the best healers ,  we are family - going through same feeling emotions   

[gary t huntington]

I maybe in Canada , but my hand is on your shoulder the other members on here  hands are on mine,we walk together ,  and will always be connected

[KayC]

@Bill G  My husband's death was also sudden/unexpected, he had just had his 51st birthday five days before, I thought we had years left together!  The shock, anxiety, heartbreak, everything combined is so hard to deal with.  You want to wake up and find it's all a dream.  But the years since have taught me that, no, this is very much my reality now.  Throw in all of our friends disappearing overnight, my two best friends didn't even bother attending his funeral!  I've had to rebuild my life from ground zero.  Now with COVID-19 it has brought it all back to square one and I can't imagine going through all I went through PLUS social isolation on top of it!  My heart goes out to anyone losing their spouse in these times.  I'm glad your doctor is helping, I didn't get on anxiety meds for three years and sleeping pills for much longer, I think I made it harder on myself by trying to tough it out.  I encourage people to be open to help from their doctor, a grief counselor, even a grief support group when they're ready...and that might be in several months or a year even.  As Missy says they aren't for everyone, and certainly not every group is, but if you find the right one it can be very helpful.

I love how Gary is reaching out to you, that is what I love about this place, even in the midst of our own sorrow and problems, we reach out and care about each other.  Sending you my thoughts and prayers...

[Geoff S]

Thanks to all that have responded and shared their stories on their loved one's. It is appreciated, and helps in this so fresh reality of managing a new life without the partnership of your spouse. Geoff

[Michelene]

Grief IS so much more than sadness. When I read CS Lewis' A Grief Observed, he has the comment, "No one told me that grief felt so much like fear." It was/is like being unable to draw a deep breath, like the wind has been knocked out of you. Again and again. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Michelene said:

"No one told me that grief felt so much like fear."

That was quoted earlier this week on my other site.  I love CS Lewis writings, he KNOWS grief, he's authentic.  So many people write about something they haven't experienced, but with him, he's known great love...and loss...and it shows.  He gets it.