3 weeks after Dad's death, and I'm struggling with what next

[Amaranth]

I lost my beloved father 3 weeks ago. It is still difficult to comprehend the enormity of nothingness that I am faced with. I still speak to him every night, and I feel like I can hear a whispered echo of what I know he would say to me. I cling desperately to his words - petrified of the day that I will lose the memory of his voice. So much of who I am I owe to my father: my personality and interests have always been aligned towards his. He has always guided me, supported me, and encouraged me to see the world through his eyes, while finding my own place in it. 

His death was not easy. He suffered a massive heart attack on my birthday. He technically died then but was revived. He spent the last weeks of his life in a coma, severely brain-damaged. We could not be with him because of the pandemic. We said our farewells over the phone, and then he was gone. The option of attending the funeral was also denied, because we could not travel.

So I sit here, week 3. Overwhelmed and cast adrift. I have lost my father; I have just moved to a different country with a different language and culture (before the air restrictions); I no longer have a job; to date I have no permanent place to live, and all of my belongings are in transit. My children keep me grounded and wrapped in love, but in all else I feel unmoored. 

[reader]

Dear Amaranth,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your devastating loss. It is terribly hard to lose one of the most important person in one's life. I know for myself it was the rawest I have ever been. Grief knocks us down. All your feelings are natural and normal.

Please know the first year will be the hardest. I hope you can surround yourself with caring friends and family. And if you want to consider talking to a grief therapist or seeking out supports in the community. Keep taking it day by day and moment by moment and doing the best you can.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.