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maybe i'm just crazy


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The recent loss of my teenage daughter has shattered me. It was sudden....and violent. I cant describe what if feels like to imagine my beautiful, kind, and gentle daughter suffering through something so horrific. That thought alone makes me want to leave this world. But there is something that nobody seems to understand. I've told a few ppl about it and they blow it off as coincidence and common. Its not just these worries that all parents have...theres this feeling. Deep down. Its hard to explain. We all worry about our kids. But with my daughter there was something very specific I was afraid of. This nagging fear always there. I would push it away. To horrible to even think about. It wouldn't happen...its just me being a paranoid mom. Then it happened. The exact circumstances of her death were exactly what I had always feared.

There was something else too. In the months leading up to her death, it was like there was a cloud of sorrow around her. She loved music. She would have her music on while she slept. I heard all her favorite songs. There were a few  songs that reminded me of her instantly. I never listened to them myself because when I heard them this feeling of sadness and despair about her would overcome me. I didn't understand where this was coming from. Every time I thought of her this sadness would be there in the background...almost like she was already gone. Maybe my soul knew her soul would be leaving...…? Or maybe I'm just crazy.



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Dear BeyondRepair,

 I am so sorry for your loss. It is devastating.

Please don't say you are crazy. All your thoughts and feelings are normal and valid. Mothers have a gut instinct, an intuition about their children. It's very hard. No one us want to see a child suffer. 

Grief forces all of us to look back and it becomes part of the journey. I hope you can find additional supports in the community or through church. These websites also offer additional supports.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

What's Your Grief.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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