Guilt

[hollomang]

I lost my dad in August of last year. He went into the hospital in April for a heart transplant and spent the rest of that time in the hospital until August. My dad always hated hospitals, needles, everything. I still feel so much guilt over the decisions my siblings and I made together when he was having complications. Whether we should do another surgery or not. I still have really bad memories of my dad in the hospital bed with all these tubes and things hooked up to him not even looking like himself that I can’t seem to get out of my head. I feel so selfish sometimes for continuing to try to treat him but I just didn’t know how to stop. How could I just give up on my dad. At times I feel like it was the right thing. He fought SO hard for so long and in the end we still lost him. It makes me so upset . He deserved to live. Other times I feel like we put him through too much for nothing. I hope he doesn’t hate me for trying every last thing to save him. I hope he knows it’s just because I loved him so so much and I was not ready to lose him. I still think about the days he would tell me he just wanted to go home and I wanted that so badly too. I wish I wasn’t here remembering all the bad stuff. I wish he was still with us today. I miss him so so much .

 

 

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[reader]

Dear hollomang,

It hurts deeply to lose a parent. From everything you've said you tried so hard for your dad. We all want so much to keep our parents with us for as long as possible. You only wanted him to live and to go home. I would have done the same thing for my dad. Struggling with guilt is so hard. I read this article and it helped me a little. I hope it can give you some comfort.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html