Acceptance

[TAM1]

To be honest, I feel that enough has been heaped on the last few months, as if every year since mid-2016 when Len began to decline, 2017 when he passed, 2018 losing Missy, with so many other losses and changes to adapt to.  Early in I read a lot and one compared such losses to being on the high-seas with one wave after another growing and then thundering down, and this has not changed. In March, I began supporting my son and two grandchildren financially, emotionally and in every way possible with a commitment to get them through their loss of his wife leaving him to continue an ongoing affair. Then along comes COVID-19. 

I feel that I'm still in grieving mode with Len being gone a little over 3 years now but 3 years is nothing to the 20 years we had together. So of course one would work through such a loss, healing and adjusting (whatever that is called) and I still am.  I should be happy as my life is situated better, but I'm still fearful and very anxious and I realized yesterday I'm angry. Certainly I've handled things fine and OK, and perhaps I need to develop flexibility and acceptance of life as it is, and the additional challenges that have come along. Back in early March I wrote, "I cannot sustain this."

 

 

[Missy1]

I understand the inability to accept the unacceptable. What are your options, perhaps just creating a plan to stabilize your situation. 
It’s can feel very difficult to see thing clearly or make decisions without the person who was your the other half of your self. I can’t seem to make decisions or navigate problems in my life anymore. I have stayed in my lonely world, not reaching out or involving anyone. It’s like being dead myself but it’s the only way for me. I am fragile and vulnerable. I think we all are because our intense emotional grief...

[TAM1]

I'm very organized, especially with working from home now and also making stay-at-home orders that are in place, keeping a 6 foot distance from everyone, and wearing masks, I've got paper tablets with notes and reminders. Your loss is so very recent with much to sort through and sometimes just processing what has happened in our lives takes so much energy. My home was with Len even though I've maintained the semblance of self-care, working, having my own home but it does not really feel like home yet.  

 

[KayC]

It took me a full three years just to process George's death, perhaps longer...our timelines will all be unique but try not to expect too much of yourself.  We do our best and it's still hard!

[jwahlquist]

14 hours ago, TAM1 said:

My home was with Len even though I've maintained the semblance of self-care, working, having my own home but it does not really feel like home yet.  

This is exactly how I feel without my husband.   He is what made our house a home.  With out him it is just a house.  
 

I have done a little self-care but I may need to do something more.  I still feel angry at life.  I need to find a positive outlet for my grief and anger.  
 

What have you done?   What has worked well for you?   Of course nothing is really open right now but hopefully sooner than later things will start to open up. I am in need of a massage and a pedicure.  

[KayC]

The only positive outlet for anger that I can think of is exercise and meditation.

[jwahlquist]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

The only positive outlet for anger that I can think of is exercise and meditation.

I bought my labradoodle a new harness so we can start taking walks.  I might even take her on some hikes.  I could stand to get into shape and who knows maybe that will help with the anger.  

[KayC]

Exercise does direct that energy and releases that "feel good" endorphin in our body, we could all use some of that!

[Rhonda R]

I was so angry.  I got therapy and finally, I just had to surrender to it.  I had to acknowledge it and give myself space to be angry because I deserved to be, we all do.  What I had to stop doing was taking my anger out on others.  No one could say or do anything right for a very, very long time.  I took everything personally, many things I shouldn't have.  I'm embarrassed to say I cut people out of my life who found someone else because, they weren't grieving as hard as I was.  I'm ashamed of that.  Of course they were. 

Two years into this and big waves still crash here and there and without warning.  I think back on the almost two past years of my life and nothing comes to the forefront.  It's just blank.  I miss my life with my husband.  I miss everything about him.  I had my house before we married so maybe that's why it still feels like a security blanket but it sure isn't filled with laughter like it used to be. 

[Missy1]

We who loved deeply will grieve deeply. I see the changes in myself. I long to be with him, in any form, any world. The stark reality of not having that person with us is more than we can bear. I am angry and deeply hurt.

@Rhonda RTwo years seems like an eternity, I am learning the hole will be there forever, they say grief is love with no where to go. As far as my home, we had just lived here a year and a half. We moved around the country and our home was always wherever we were together, so this place doesn’t feel like home, I feel abandoned. His last day was here so this is where I take my stand, I do not plan to ever leave. 

[jwahlquist]

10 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

What I had to stop doing was taking my anger out on others.  No one could say or do anything right for a very, very long time.  I took everything personally, many things I shouldn't have. 

This is one of the reasons that I reached out to my doctor for help.  I can say that my medication has helped but I still get so angry sometimes.   Mostly I am angry at life and the world.  I hate living without my husband.  I miss my life, the one where I was happy and I had normal problems like a bad day at work or a flat tire.  
 

I get so tired of putting up a front of “normal”.   I look awful and feel worse.  I am just so tired of living this way.  My house is a mess......it reflects how messy my head and heart feel right now.  I can’t bring myself to clean most days.  It is really hard to care sometimes.  

[KayC]

5 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

It is really hard to care sometimes.  

I know.  I need to clean out my entire house but can't face it by myself.  George was always so good at stuff like that.  I have no one to help me now.

[Rhonda R]

11 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

This is one of the reasons that I reached out to my doctor for help.  I can say that my medication has helped but I still get so angry sometimes.   Mostly I am angry at life and the world.  I hate living without my husband.  I miss my life, the one where I was happy and I had normal problems like a bad day at work or a flat tire.  
 

I get so tired of putting up a front of “normal”.   I look awful and feel worse.  I am just so tired of living this way.  My house is a mess......it reflects how messy my head and heart feel right now.  I can’t bring myself to clean most days.  It is really hard to care sometimes.  

This hits so close to home for me.  My house was a mess too.  I didn't care.  It was a direct reflection of how I felt inside.  Unorganized, unkept, and all over the place.  I would go weeks without doing anything and then I would get a spurt and do some.  Then I would start the cycle all over again.  That  has gotten better in the last six months.  I've gotten back to pretty close to how I used to be but after you lose the love of your life, it's hard to care. However, this past week,  I just ripped out the carpet in two rooms and replaced it with laminate flooring.  Painted both rooms and put up new wall hangings and bedding.  Cleaned out the garage a little bit.  I have totally and completely neglected my yard for two years and that is next on the list.  It takes a long time to care about anything and the more I tried to force myself, the worse it got.  

@KayC I wish we all lived closer so we could support each other.  We are so much stronger together.

[Missy1]

I manage to clean the house once a week and  tidy up daily only because I make myself. It takes so much effort I just rush through it as quick as I can I’m afraid someone would come over and see that I all dysfunctional. I don’t want anybody feeling sorry for me. I’m trying to put up a front that I’m OK, I try to keep my house clean shower and get dressed every day. 
If people knew how bad off I really am, how badly damaged I am they might not leave me alone.

[Dey]

@Missy1 I'm doing the same thing. I just don't want other see me as broken, dysfunctional widow and mom. I don't want their pity looks. I'm lonely without my husband but my loneliness is better than handling people's concerns if they know how crushed I actually am. I'm just not ready to face them yet. I don't know when I can be ready. 

[TAM1]

I began walking up a Canada Larga Road on Monday and then went Tuesday and it did me good to walk and not be concerned about the time or how far I went.

It’s not the being alone that has been the cause of my feeling so dark lately, but instead not having been out on natural paths enough. Without the concern for how far I went or the time. Where one can stand and revel in the peace, or just the sounds of nature - and that's what I'm trying to make the effort to get out. 

I received an email from my office today about bringing people back into the office and it was very detailed and one of the rules is that if one travels out of the area when they return they are to work from home and not come into the office for 14 days. " We may ask to avoid such travel or to work remotely for 14 days after returning from any trip." That email had me very stressed out today - all day. I have a trip to Austin from May 15th through May 20th to see my son and grandsons as it has been almost 2 years since seeing them. I'm going - it's time.

 

It's important to do good things for yourself, to treat yourself, it's part of healing. 

 

[Missy1]

Great post, I need something. I will try some walking 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, TAM1 said:

I have a trip to Austin from May 15th through May 20th to see my son and grandsons as it has been almost 2 years since seeing them. I'm going - it's time.

I hope your work will let you work remotely when you get back for two weeks then.  They should understand that this is something you've had planned.  We still aren't free to see our families/friends here.  I've been alone about 8 weeks.  They're still figuring out how they're going to handle this but haven't opened the doors yet.  Still can't get a haircut.  Church has been on line.  For Mother's Day they bought a PA system so we can drive there and listen from our cars.  At least we can see people in passing if not speak.

I also find it peaceful to take nature walks and I live in the perfect place for it.  Enjoy!

 

[TAM1]

Stay-at-Home orders are in effect here until May 15th and I've been working from home since March 20th. Some older friends have been self-quarantined since late February and this isolation is taking its toll. The same things are taking place here as many other locations as the world seemed to stop spinning on its axis so it seems. My attorneys did not get back to me about being out my travel plans so I confirmed that "I will be out of the office from May 15th through May 20th. Upon my return to Ventura I will work from home remotely for 14 days and return to the office on June 3rd."  That is if anyone is in the office as rules change daily.  

It was important to confirm the trip so I can get ready because traveling now has a whole layer of its own, especially flying. When others can't make decisions or reply, we certainly need to be able to do so. Now to get my COVID-19 travel kit together. 

[Missy1]

@TAM1 Very happy for you being able to see family will be such a boost. My hubby grew up near Ventura, in Camarillo. We had his funeral in Camarillo. Love that area, sadly the in-laws are net very welcoming to me, I won’t be back there ever again. They feel I let my husband die on my watch and there is some blame on me. 

Enjoy your trip, hopefully you are flying out of Burbank or Santa Barbara, smaller Airports better less exposure, LAX is the worst.

[KayC]

They're saying this could be in effect until at least October.  Never dreamed it'd be seven months, have only survived two of them.    Miss my kids, grandkids, and church.  

And NEED to shop for clothes, after losing 50 lbs, nothing fits. Also want to clean out my closet but nowhere to donate to right now.  Crazy the things you miss. 

[TAM1]

Most people have not realized the depth of what has happened and continues to happen and I think there will be a delayed sense of grieving of the mammoth losses of so much.  I spoke with  my brother Kevin in Washington this morning and he's in a "numb" stage as life ground to a halt and benefits are delayed. The rules for traveling in the time of COVID-19 are very involved and I just completed the Mandatory Quarantine Form for entering Texas. I'm building a folder for this trip and I'm feeling anxious. If things stay as they are now I will drive to Texas or take the train even if they take longer. 

Normal things like shopping for clothing and that are important, self-care and maintaining ourselves.  And my friend Edie (78) got rid of her housecleaner and tells me she is doing a much better job and got rid of a lot of things-Spring Cleaning with no place to take or donate the items.  She got rid of her dog-walker and has taken this over.  

[KayC]

My daughter has a house cleaning business and has lost some work due to this so is doing caregiving five days a week in addition to it.  Her husband's "Christmas present" to her was a divorce which the courts aren't processing.  He's pressuring her to move and wants to keep her cat, she can't afford the legal fees to fight him anymore.  But no one can move right now so she's stuck.  Rent anywhere else is double what they're paying for the place.  I gave my stimulus check to her.  My neighbor owns a salon and hasn't been able to work for two months, no response from unemployment and hasn't received their stimulus check.  I wish I had money to help people.

You are right, this will never be "over" just like our husband's deaths are never over...somethings change our lives forever.  Another thing to mourn.

 

[jwahlquist]

On 5/9/2020 at 5:16 AM, Missy1 said:

Love that area, sadly the in-laws are net very welcoming to me, I won’t be back there ever again. They feel I let my husband die on my watch and there is some blame on me. 

I am sorry that they blame you, that isn’t what you need right now.  Maybe they just can’t face the fact that your husband made the choice he made and they just need someone to blame?   

 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

My daughter has a house cleaning business and has lost some work due to this so is doing caregiving five days a week in addition to it.  Her husband's "Christmas present" to her was a divorce which the courts aren't processing.  He's pressuring her to move and wants to keep her cat, she can't afford the legal fees to fight him anymore.  But no one can move right now so she's stuck.  Rent anywhere else is double what they're paying for the place.  I gave my stimulus check to her.  My neighbor owns a salon and hasn't been able to work for two months, no response from unemployment and hasn't received their stimulus check.  I wish I had money to help people.

You are right, this will never be "over" just like our husband's deaths are never over...somethings change our lives forever.  Another thing to mourn.

 

I think the economy and many people will feel the impacts of these closures for a long time to come unfortunately.   I know a couple of businesses here have decided to close for good.  One is a pizza place that has been a downtown fixture for 35 years.  I am afraid that many retail businesses and restaurants/bars will not be able to recover and will close.  Here housecleaning businesses are closed as well.  My in-laws have had house cleaners for several years so they went and bought Roomba vacuums.  
 

I feel fortunate that financial issues aren’t something that I have to worry about.  But it would sure be nice to be spending all of this at home time with my husband.  
 

I was able to loan some money to my cousin as she needed money for groceries for her family.  She is a single mom with two girls and is out of work because she is a kitchen manager at a bar.  
 

I miss a lot of random things.  Going shopping just to browse especially for little things and clothes.  I wish the thrift stores could be open as I have way too much stuff in bags and boxes that need to go.  I miss being able to sit down with a friend at Starbucks and visit.  And I definitely miss getting my hair cut & colored.  I usually get my hair cut every 6-7 weeks and Highlighted every other time.   

[Missy1]

2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

am sorry that they blame you, that isn’t what you need right now.  Maybe they just can’t face the fact that your husband made the choice he made and they just need someone to blame?   

Nope, that part of my life is gone, I know they don’t want any part of me. That is okay, It would just be a painful reminder of his untimely death. 

[Dey]

On 5/9/2020 at 7:16 PM, Missy1 said:

Love that area, sadly the in-laws are net very welcoming to me, I won’t be back there ever again. They feel I let my husband die on my watch and there is some blame on me. 

It hurts when others, especially inlaws feel there should be more we could do that would prevent their sons/brothers from death. It magnify our guilty feeling. As time goes, my relationship with Mother inlaws turn colder and distant. I still call her every 2-3 days. But it feels more like a schedule call only. 

 

2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I miss a lot of random things.  Going shopping just to browse especially for little things and clothes.  I wish the thrift stores could be open as I have way too much stuff in bags and boxes that need to go.  I miss being able to sit down with a friend at Starbucks and visit.  And I definitely miss getting my hair cut & colored.  I usually get my hair cut every 6-7 weeks and Highlighted every other time.   

I miss those thing too, but since I lost my husband during this isolation thing, I don't know how I'd feel when I finally have my hair and nail done, it would be new thing for me. Will I feel happier, or find comfort? I really don't know. Doing my first groceries without him was difficult though..

[KayC]

Missy, you and peach have really been through it!  I'm so sorry the in-laws aren't supportive.  None of us needs any more negativity than we have.

foreverhis, I miss those things too!  I want a haircut, need to shop for smaller clothes, want to donate my clothes to St. Vinny's!  I have no place to put them, no room but nothing fits anymore.  Most of all I miss church, my kids, grandkids, friends!  As if living alone is not bad enough!

[Rhonda R]

Sunday I got a nice little surprise (sarcasm).  My husband and I shared a Facebook profile under his name.  I repost memories of him.  I share special dates and anniversaries about him as well as keep family and friends updated about my girls.  I went to logon Sunday and got a message that someone had reported him as deceased and that the page had been "memorialized" which pretty much means frozen.  I could deal with the except, even by making my own page, I can't have access to our old one because a new friend can't be accepted.  I'm not sure who did it.  Maybe his ex-wife or daughter who hate me.  It was just another reminder of all I had lost.  There really is no contact for Facebook so...if I want to look at our old page, I have to ask one of my daughters.  Just another kick in the teeth. 

[KayC]

OMG, that is so wrong!  Can you write FB under "report a problem" and explain you BOTH SHARED THAT ACCOUNT!  And YOU are not dead!  Also, as his wife, you should have a say in what happens to the account over someone else!  I am so sorry.  I know it's hard to get anywhere with FB, their customer service is 99.9% nonexistent/unavailable but a couple of times they've surprised me by actually reading what I've wrote them.  It can take them a while to get to it or it can be within a day.  I ran into problems with Paypal when my husband died because our normal one wasn't working one time so he called and needed to buy a welder real quick and couldn't wait or it'd be gone, so I set up a second account using my office email...after he died I tried to deactivate it because they kept sending me emails and I wouldn't use it again anyway.  They refused.  THEY SAID THEY NEEDED TO TALK TO HIM FIRST!  I told them I'D LIKE TO TALK TO HIM TOO!   Made me really upset.  The guy in the cubicle across from mine couldn't believe it!  So the next day I pretended to be my deceased husband and sent them a copy of his driver's license and electric bill along with a request to "delete my account."  They did it.  This after TELLING them he was dead!  The IRS is sometimes easier than FB or Paypal.

[Rhonda R]

I did try that.  My name was not on the profile, because I was still working in the prison.  Randy was retired.  So, I have no way of proving that it was both of ours other than I continued to use it after he died.  I opened a new Facebook for myself and I got a friend request from his ex-wife's sister and her husband.  Did they really not think I would know who they are?  They separated in October of 2010, filed in June of 2011, and it took them until March, 2014, for their divorce to be final, it was so bitter.  Do they really want to see pictures of us on vacation?  Pictures of us at the lake?  Or, do they want to make sure I am suffering? 

[KayC]

I don't know, but I wouldn't friend her, but that's just me.

[Missy1]

I wouldn’t friend them either. Then I would try to find out who reported to Facebook if that account was to be memorialized and then when I found out I will report their account as memorialized! I just don’t understand how somebody could be so cruel you’re in enough pain and for them to take that away from you wow I’m speechless. I’m sorry you have to deal with like that it’s emotionally draining

[Rhonda R]

Thanks for all your support, I hadn't been on here for a while.  Facebook won't share that information with me since the page was only in his name.  If I would have just added my name after he died, they could do something.  They note I'm in almost all of his posts but, encouraged me to get my own.  I did, just so I can make sure no one forgets him.  Is that weird? 

I have two important dates coming up:  The day he died, 6-14; and his birthday, 6-15.  Yes, he died the day before his birthday.  I'm all over the place between grateful he existed to completely mad he was taken from me.  I guess I won't really know what me reaction will be that day until my feet hit the floor.  Trying to stay busy is best for me.  I just want to get through the day he died and not celebrate it or remember it, if I can.  His birthday is going to be tougher.  He had a rule, we don't work on our birthdays.  We take the day together and do something special.  I'm torn, do I take the day off or do I just go to work and try to get through the day.  Everything is different now. 

 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, Rhonda.  My sister got locked out of her account "for security reasons," no idea why.  Her and her husband share an email address, maybe that's why.  FB is so hard to get any help!