Bereft, hollow, dysfunctional

[Gail Z]

I lost my spouse of 45 years in March.  (Not from Covid)  She had a myriad of medical issues but still loved life and valued every day.  She was a warrior...…...a fighter...……..whose motto was "Never, ever give up."   She was a beloved, adored teacher for 39 years before ending her career as a vice-principal.   I was her caregiver for many, many years due to severe medical challenges.   Actually, her death could and should have been avoided:  wounds (she received a sacral ulcer in the hospital due to neglect) were not cleaned nor cared for properly in a rehab facility and she ultimately succumbed to sepsis.   I have never lived alone in my entire life;  I possess no practical skills, such as cooking;  I am feeling so unmoored, so isolated, so purposeless and insignificant.   She was my world...…..my life force...…….and vice-versa, even in the hardest of times and there were plenty of those, especially of recent years.   I am questioning my ability to survive this and sometimes feel it would only be fitting and right if I do not.  I yearn to be with her and the only way I know how to do is through death.   I am wondering if there are any others who happen to read this post who can empathize and understand. 

[jwahlquist]

There are many of us here who understand and can empathize with how you are feeling.   
 

My husband of 22 year passed away in February.  He was my world.  I never expected to be a widow at 42.  He did almost all of the cooking so I have had to work on that as my 11 year old daughter still wants to eat.  We have 10 acres and he always did all of the big tractor work so I didn’t even know how to drive the darn thing.  I have had to struggle through emotionally, physically, & mentally.  If it weren’t for my daughter I would have joined him.   I did go to the doctor and get medication because I was still tempted to try even with her here.  I hate living without him.  Honestly, my life feels devoid of most everything now.  The isolation and social distancing aren’t helping either.   It is hard when you aren’t able to see your friends.  

[Gail Z]

Hello and thanks so much for responding.   I can well relate to all that you stated, with the exception of having a child.   Even though you feel the obligation and responsibility to take care of her, I hope she is still a source of comfort to you.   May I ask where you are located?   I actually do not have many friends as we lived an isolated life, especially since the latter years were spent in hospitals and consistent doctor visits.   If you would be interested in having a "phone buddy", someone to talk with often or daily, please let me know.   It might help us both to be able to communicate and express our emotions.

[KayC]

Gail, I am so sorry for your loss.  You can survive this, but I won't lie to you, there's nothing about this that is easy or quick.  I lost my husband Father's Day 2005 and I owe so much to the people on my forum that were there when I most needed it, I want to be here for others going through it.  You have found a good place to be with people that get it.  All of our circumstances are different and we deal with different situations but can relate to the emotions of loss and fear/anxiety that comes with early grief.

You can learn to do the things you don't know how to do or improvise or hire things done, but you'll get through this.  We want to die when we feel we don't want to or can't deal with what we have to face w/o them.  You can buy salad mix and cooked chicken at the store and snack on fruit, nuts, cheese, or yogurt w/o having to do takeout all the time..  There's healthy smoothies you can put in a blender if you don't feel like eating.

I found it helpful to write letters to my husband after he passed, who knows but maybe they can hear/read them?  I still talk to him, even after all this time.

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful and hope something in it speaks to you now, something else perhaps later on in your journey as it's ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us.

Yes, nearly all (if not all) of us here understand and sympathize with everything you are feeling, thinking, and doing.  Though we are each on a unique grief journey, we are all here on the same unwelcome, perhaps unexpected, and dark road--but we are walking it together.  Here you will find a community of members who will listen, comfort, give advice if asked, and simply "be there" no matter what.

I also have never lived alone until now.  I moved from my parents home in with roommates.  Then I met and married my husband and lived with him for 35 years.  It's not that I was an idiot or incompetent before I met him and I am learning that I'm not an idiot or incompetent now.  But it's not the same because my strong partner, my best support in the world has been taken from me and I feel less than half of what I was.  It's the same with loneliness.  It's not so much the being alone, but rather being alone without him.  Some days it still seems too much to bear.  There are so many things I wonder if I'll ever be able to do, either again or at all.

In so many ways, I feel the medical community let us down as well.  The "if only"s are devastating at times.  And I question what I and we could have done differently.  It's only natural that we look for what could have changed the outcome because the only acceptable one would be to have our soulmates here with us now.  But I've also learned that we will not find answers to that in this life time.  It sounds as if you have a cause of action against the hospital and rehab facility.  There is simply no excuse for it.  My husband was in rehab twice.  The first one was only for 4 days because they did not care for him properly and he ended up back in the hospital with a systemic infection.  When it was time for rehab again, I was, well, a real bitch about it.  I told the doctors and counselors at the hospital that I would take him home and take our chances before I'd let them send him back to the first place.  It was not an option.  Period.  The second place was not fantastic, but it was better and they took much better care of him.  Even so, he ended up back in the hospital again and then never came home.  He was supposed to come home on hospice, but the night before his body started shutting down.  And all I could think was, "What if..."  "Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors..." and on and on.

For now, all you should do is focus on each day, hour, or minute.  Do not look too far ahead as that is truly frightening for most of us.  Your grief is so raw, so new, and so powerful that it will take every bit of strength you have just to do what must be done.  I am certain it is even harder this year because of COVID-19.  It's hard enough for those of us who are a little further down the path, so it must be that much more difficult for you to navigate through each day.  But please believe me that you are not alone.  In fact, we have many members whose loss is fresh and who are right there with you. 

It will take time, lots and lots of it, but I think you will find a strength you didn't know you had.  I know I am, but my goodness it's a slow and painful process.  You will be forever changed and no matter what anyone says, you will not "move on" or "get over it."  This is not a broken bone that will heal.  It is a broken life and shattered heart that will never be the same again.  What I'm slowly learning is how to make my grief part of my life, instead of all of it.  It's not easy and the road along the way is not straight or simple.  Lately, with this enforced isolation, I do feel it's been more of "two steps forward, one step back."  And all of those steps baby ones.  Coming here each day, whether simply to read, to ask questions, to rant, or to try to comfort and help, is one of the things that allows me to keep breathing and keep focused a bit better.

The members here have been enormously helpful because they "get it" in ways that those who haven't lost the love of their life do not.  When I found this forum, I had been wandering hopeless and helpless, believing that life really wasn't worth living at all.  Some days, I still wonder.  But being here almost literally saved my life, even on the days I wasn't sure myself.  Even though I have a small, tight circle of friends and family who are there for me, it's not the same as talking to others who know what it is like for me without me even needing to explain. who don't judge me or use platitudes.

I urge you to keep coming here too.  Your love sounds like an amazing woman.  Please tell us more about her and about your life together when you are ready.  My parents were both teachers (high school and middle school), I taught for 3 years before bailing for the private sector, and there are several other teachers in our family, so I know what dedication she must have had and how hard she must have worked.  It will be hard to believe now, but I will tell you I've come to know for certain that in many ways we were the lucky ones because we found that one person who truly did "complete" us, who gave us purpose and direction, who was there for us as we were there for them through everything life threw at us, both good and bad.  My husband and I had so many challenges along the way, but even knowing how I'd feel now, I'd still jump in heart first because his love was worth everything to me.  It's clear her love was worth everything to you too.

[Gail Z]

5 hours ago, Gail Z said:

Hello and thanks so much for responding.   I can well relate to all that you stated, with the exception of having a child.   Even though you feel the obligation and responsibility to take care of her, I hope she is still a source of comfort to you.   May I ask where you are located?   I actually do not have many friends as we lived an isolated life, especially since the latter years were spent in hospitals and consistent doctor visits.   If you would be interested in having a "phone buddy", someone to talk with often or daily, please let me know.   It might help us both to be able to communicate and express our emotions.

 

[Gail Z]

Thank you, Kay C/Brazil Man and Forever his, for your exceedingly thoughtful, kind and caring responses.   Your advice is well-stated and I know that it should profoundly resonate.  I realize, at present, that my most formidable challenge is the stark, brutal fact that I do not have a non-virtual support system.  I feel overwhelmingly alone and isolated all the time and indeed am. I do speak with a psychologist twice a week on the phone; however the time between sessions is considerable and I don't really think the counseling is helping.  I suffered another blow/loss a couple of days ago when someone who I believed was a very close friend and whom pledged to "help me through this" abandoned me because she could not cope with my weeping nor despair.  She appeared to expect me to "snap out of it" by now.  This tremendous disappointment/betrayal is so difficult to fathom let alone process; sadly, there is no one else willing to spend time with me on weekends and call many times a day as she did.  The urge to just stop functioning is quite compelling; however, at this point, I am trying hard to force myself to get out of bed, get dressed, clean and eat.  Self-care does seem rather beside the point at present since I am seriously doubting my desire and ability to go on like this; the pain is ever present and persistent.  Yet, right now, today, at this very moment, I am still trying to try.  Thanks again for taking the time and effort to respond.  I would have replied to you individually but if there is a way to do so on this site, I have not yet discovered it.   I am grateful for your words.  It is a restoral of faith in humanity, to some degree, to know that people like yourselves exist.

[KayC]

You don't mention if your therapist is a professional grief counselor, if not, I would encourage you to find one.  Many of them are able to do visits by phone right now.  I hope you're able to get out and take a walk every day, it helps just to have a change of atmosphere for a bit.  These are the hardest times to lose someone, it can leave you feeling quite on your own and alone, so glad we have this place available.

[Gail Z]

KayC,

   The psychologist does offer grief counseling although she offers various other types of therapy as well.  My insurance network does not specify grief counseling, per se; its just a behavioral/mental health network and I sought those that mentioned grief counseling as one of their offerings.   I do try and take a walk but often find myself weeping throughout it.   I have considered attempting to find a rescue dog; however don't want to be unfair to the animal as I am so overcome with emotional pain and panic at this time.  I don't know if it would be responsible to attempt to adopt a pet at this point in time.   Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

[KayC]

Maybe on down the road you can adopt.  George and I had a dog and a couple of cats when he died.  Our dog, who was fully trained and well behaved started acting out...it took my daughter to point out the obvious to me, that she was grieving.  After that I made an effort to give her more attention, but I'd been so steeped in grief I wasn't aware of anything else around me.  His cat ran away two months later after he figured George wasn't coming back.  

[Missy1]

@Gail Z it takes time to get used to being alone and not having anyone to help or to love each day. I find that it’s a big struggle, learning to do things we never had to do before to survive. We are all faced with these challenges. I hope that you have found ways to get what you need. This is a good site to learn and share your experience, as there are many of us facing similar situations. 
None of us planned to be in this situation but here we are, no choice but to plod through the pain and challenges each day.

I hope you keep sharing and read some threads, there is lots of wisdom here.

[Gail Z]

Thank you, Missy.  Unfortunately, I just lost the only supportive friend I had, one who was willing to talk with me several times a day and visit a few days a week. She stated that she was becoming "stressed and depressed" with my mourning process and advised me to "snap out of it."  I was stunned as she had been a much valued friend for almost five years and had helped me enormously with all the medical challenges I faced in regard to my spouse.  And so, its a loss (albeit far less significant) after a loss and now I feel far more alone, isolated and panicky than I did before, although I did not think the degree could actually increase.  I am still fighting to function every minute of every day but not sure how much longer I can wage this battle.  Thanks again for your comments.

[Missy1]

It’s definitely not easy, I have random breakdowns. I can’t believe that my husband is really dead!?!? It’s too sad to fathom. I find that most people don’t want to hear me, I cry alone, it’s too much for others.
We are ultimately alone in this world, it’s the stark truth. I try to find peace I pray for it, I am in hell on earth.
Maybe someday God will take me away, that is my wish...until then I have to make it here, pick up the pieces and clean up the wreckage that is my life.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Gail Z said:

Unfortunately, I just lost the only supportive friend I had, one who was willing to talk with me several times a day and visit a few days a week. She stated that she was becoming "stressed and depressed" with my mourning process and advised me to "snap out of it." 

Wow.  Grief rewrote my address book completely.  All of our friends disappeared.  My two best friends didn't even bother coming to his funeral!  But a lady who split up her time with her husband with my husband as well before I was able to make it to the hospital the weekend he died, we became best friends.  A few years later her husband died and we walked this path together.  She has now remarried and moved to TX, and I miss her a lot, but I'm happy for her.  Next months will be 15 years since George has been gone and being alone that long has been very hard...much harder with this social isolation right now.

I hope you two find a new bestie to understand and care about you.  Grief support groups are sometimes a good place to find that.

[Gail Z]

Quote

Thank you for your responses, Missy and Kay C.  The thoughts you expressed, Missy, coincide with my own completely.  I feel the need to talk

 with someone who can empathize and understand these emotions; however, there is absolutely no one available to me.  If you or anyone would like to be in direct contact, please let me know.  I am not sure that there is a way to private message on this site.

 

 

[Michelene]

On 4/27/2020 at 2:08 PM, Gail Z said:

KayC,

   The psychologist does offer grief counseling although she offers various other types of therapy as well.  My insurance network does not specify grief counseling, per se; its just a behavioral/mental health network and I sought those that mentioned grief counseling as one of their offerings.   I do try and take a walk but often find myself weeping throughout it.   I have considered attempting to find a rescue dog; however don't want to be unfair to the animal as I am so overcome with emotional pain and panic at this time.  I don't know if it would be responsible to attempt to adopt a pet at this point in time.   Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Gail, i struggled to find a therapist and found free grief groups at a local hospice center. the counselor saw me immediately, and also I began attending a group for people who had lost spouses.  I could barely stand to be in my own body I was in so much pain and despair and anguish. It helped me to get out of my head for a bit, and listen to other people who understood what I was going through. It was free. My husband died suddenly and was not in hospice, but they took me for counseling anyway. thank god, because a lot of my immediate family and my husband's family were worthless. 

[Gail Z]

Thank you, Michelene.   Unfortunately, there are no grief groups meeting in person at this time.  I have attempted to join virtual groups but am not technologically savvy: additionally, I do far better one on one.   Being so very alone and isolated, with no to talk to, has made life almost unbearable for me.  Obviously, the Covid situation does not help at all.   I have no immediate family members left and cousins are not willing to even text, let alone call.   The couple of local friends I had decided my mindset was far too "heavy and stressful" and I had better just get over it.   And so it goes.  Thanks again for responding.

[Missy1]

@Gail Z yessss I feel like the reality is that nobody wants to hear me they really don’t want to hear how I feel that’s why I come here. I can’t express and vent, it’s too much for the rest of the world they don’t want to hear my  pain and they can’t understand this pain. I’ll never be OK, at least there’s a few people in my life understand that I’m different now and I’ll never be the same and they don’t expect me to so that’s a great relief. I still have no one...so lonely 

[KayC]

There are a lot of grief counselors doing sessions by phone right now, it'd take some calling around in your area but perhaps you could find someone that way.  I didn't have luck with my "friends" either, they all disappeared.  They just don't have a clue unless they've been through it.

8 hours ago, Missy1 said:

at least there’s a few people in my life understand that I’m different now and I’ll never be the same

Yes.

[Gail Z]

I do speak with a grief counselor, Kay C, but it has not helped as its only less than an hour twice a week.   Missy, again, I completely empathize with every  sentiment you have expressed.   I would be happy to talk with you if there is a way to communicate contact information privately.  The loneliness and solitude is crippling and all-encompassing and does not seem survivable as its intensity seems almost unbearable.  Everyone I thought I could count on to listen just does not want to hear it and they have pretty much cut off contact with me because they say its time to "move on" although it has been less than 2 months since I lost my spouse of 45 years.  Please let me know if you would like to talk one on one.

[Missy1]

@Gail Z thank for your kind offer, I am not into chatting, to painful. I like this forum because I don’t have to speak, just write. I am just lonely because I choose it, I have people offered to talk, old friends and acquaintances. I isolate because I am not ready, I may stay in my cocoon indefinitely.  I am still trying to understand what happened and how am I am going to make it in this world...

[KayC]

Gail, I'm sorry you don't feel your grief support is helping as much as you need, remember this is a long journey, the strides are so slow as to seem imperceptible.  You might talk with your counselor about your concerns about it.

Each and every friend I had disappeared on me when George died, my two best friends not even bothering to show up for his funeral, so I understand lack of support.  My family was caring but not having been through it themselves, didn't get it, still don't after 15 years.  How can they!  I eventually started a grief support group locally as we'd never had one in my town, I have enjoyed it immensely.  The other grief site I belong to has a grief counselor who owns/administrates the site and her resources are vast, I've been collecting articles for years, wish I'd started sooner!  I've learned more from her and from fellow grievers than anywhere.  Plus there are countless books on grief, I like A Grief Observed because CS Lewis is so authentic and speaks from his heart/experience.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html