5 years out this nov. lately I’m up at 2:25am every night.

[Meg2015]

I was 38 when he passed. No children. Someone has come into my life that makes me happy BUT so many red flags.... how do you know what’s right and wrong. There is so much confusion, missing your loved one, being with someone, being happy...

 

 

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[Missy1]

I am awake off and on, all night. I don’t sleep thru the night either. Just be careful, red flags should be acknowledged and paid attention to. There are people who take advantage of other people who are vulnerable and alone.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Meg2015 said:

BUT so many red flags.... how do you know what’s right and wrong.

Pay attention to your what your gut is telling you and DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS!  If you do, you'll regret it.  I remarried after George died, I wasn't in my right mind, frantic, anxious, grief fog, no clarity, all our friends had disappeared, I needed someone to talk to...turned out he was a con.  He used my credit for $57,000.00 and went into hiding with a girlfriend.  He never lived with me.  He lied to me continually.  He never loved me.  He had contacted me after George died, saying he was a friend of his, I realize now he probably learned of his death and used my vulnerability to get to me.  I'll be paying on the debt until I'm 79, hard when you're retired.  His GF was 16 years younger than me and died of liver failure within two years of this.  I've lived alone all these years, don't date, have accepted I'm alone (I was 52 when George died).  

I go to sleep okay but wake up in the middle of the night and struggled with insomnia, so finally went to a doctor and got on Trazodone 50 mg for sleep.  It's very hard to function w/o sleep.

 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Meg2015 said:

Someone has come into my life that makes me happy BUT so many red flags.... how do you know what’s right and wrong

Please, I urge you to listen to your rational side.  Can you say you're truly happy if there are so many reg flags that you're up in the middle of every night?

I was involved with a man before I met my husband and didn't heed those red flags.  The man was so attentive, so "into" me, spoiled me with gifts, etc. etc.  And I hadn't been in a relationship for a couple of years, so it felt nice to have someone who seemed to think I was wonderful.  I was only in my early 20s then, but it felt like everyone thought "Wow, he's so great to you."  Plus, there's the whole pressure to get married, have kids, and settle down.  Well, for nearly a year I tried to ignore all the warning signs.  One day when I had had a girls night planned with three good friends, he called and wanted to go out that evening.  I reminded him that I was going out with friends.  He said I needed to cancel, basically because he said so.  Truth be told, I had been increasingly concerned about his behavior and was trying to figure out how to break up without him possibly getting violent with me.  So I said that I would be happy to meet him after my early dinner and movie.  He "pouted" over the phone and said that if I wasn't willing to put him first, then we'd talk about it later.  Long story even longer, he was so angry that we went out that night, picked up a girl in a bar, and ended up dying in an accident because of it.  I look back and wonder why I didn't listen to my inner voice right from the start.  And honestly, I felt some relief that I no longer had to worry about it.

It was a year later that my husband and I, who had been casual friends for a while (moving the same circles, friends in common, etc.) started seeing each other.  He was imperfect, as am I, but I never had a moment's pause about whether he was a good man, the right one, who loved me.  We married less than a year later.

After we've lost the one essential, our soulmates, I think we are vulnerable for a very long time.  Some people seem to sense that and will take advantage.  This man does things that make you happy, which is great, but you are obviously sensing that things aren't right.  As hard as it is to be alone, I learned that it's better that than being with the wrong person. 

Please, don't settle for less than the real love you deserve.  You were and are young, so I think I can understand both your own desire to find a partner after a number of years and the expectations of society that you "should" or "will."  You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved 100%.  Let yourself wait for that and listen to members like KayC who has direct and painful experience in the kind of pain that the wrong person can bring us.

Be well, take care of yourself, and remember that you are worth more than "happy, BUT..."

 

[jwahlquist]

Like everyone has said, please listen to your instincts.  
 

I didn’t and ended up in an abusive relationship in high school.  It took me over a year and moving to live with my aunt & uncle to get myself straightened out.  I was very cautious about who I dated and how close I let them get after that until I met my husband.   Now after 23 years with the perfect guy for me, I doubt I will ever find someone I can trust as much as my husband.   I doubt I will ever try.   He was such a great guy.  

[KayC]

On 4/23/2020 at 10:24 AM, foreverhis said:

As hard as it is to be alone, I learned that it's better that than being with the wrong person. 

Amen to this!  And I'm glad you were spared a lifetime with that person!  Abuser have many methods...control, emotional blackmail, physical, cutting us off from family/friends, etc.

My first husband was a monster.  I was married to him for six years although he came and went the last four years.  He had a child with his mistress that I raised for three years...mine he beat out of me.  I didn't think I'd escape with my life but I finally risked it, rathering to be dead than live like that any longer.  My kids dad (#2) was emotionally abusive and controlling.  I would not allow him to control me so we fought or he was displeased with me.  23 years, it wasn't fun.  When I met George, I met my soulmate, the love of my life, someone who adored me and would do anything for me...the first reciprocal relationship I'd had.