26 years old

[amylw]

Hello everyone.

I am firstly absolutely heartbroken for everyone here. I don’t know how or what to say. I was pointed in your direction from a family member. I really struggle with things like this as I have quite severe ME/CFS, Behçet’s disease and severe asthma as well as a tonne of things, I am trying to say I am sorry if I don’t reply properly and quickly as my fatigue is really debilitating even before this.

I lost my Fiancee Matthew 9/4, two weeks ago tomorrow but two works Thursday ‘officially’. He is my fiancé, absolute soul mate and also my carer. I am completely and utterly broken. My lovely grandmother who was a second mother to me also passed Friday morning from covid - my Matthew didn’t pass from this. I am absolutely devastated. We were discussing surrogacy/adoption Monday as we were both heartbroken that we couldn’t have children because of my poor health and also planning our wedding which was booked for August next year. Tuesday we lost him, Thursday officially. It was Matthews birthday Tuesday 14th  he would have been 28.

My darling Matthews family are difficult and making me feel like I am nothing to Matthew because we weren’t ‘married with children’, which is a huge issue for me already as my anxiety ocd is out of control. I feel like I have lost everything of him and everything has gone. I don’t feel like I even belong here because we weren’t married however, we have lived together for 4 years and People keep telling me we have been through more than some people go through in a life time.

 

I don’t know what I am doing really, I am sorry if any of this is wrong. My cognitive function is not great anyway since being ill and of course you all know what life is feeling now.

 

I love you with every ounce of pain and air and breath Matthew. I am so sorry our life has been robbed.

Love to you all x

[peach_2003]

I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my husband of 17 years ( it would officially be 17 years in june) his name was Matthew as well. I also want to say how sorry I am for the way his family has been treating you. It doesn't matter if you were married or had children he was a important part of your life. My husbands parents didn't treat me all the greatest when my husband was sick. They gave up on him getting better after the first week and even wrote his obit before he even died. 

[jwahlquist]

@amylw

I am sorry for your loss.  I am sure that his parents not acknowledging you is making this situation all that much harder.  My husband of 22 years passed away in February.   I do understand how it impacts one’s functioning.   Life is so much harder especially now with the Covid isolation and etc.   Hang in there & know that we are here to listen.  

14 minutes ago, peach_2003 said:

They gave up on him getting better after the first week and even wrote his obit before he even died. 

Oh that would have irritated me!   My FIL started to say he was going to write my husband’s obituary and I told him flat out that he wasn’t.   I wrote it in about 30 minutes because I wrote from my heart.  It didn’t brag about his accomplishments but rather talked about what was important to my husband, his family and friends.   His dad couldn’t have captured who my husband truly was because he never really understood him.  

[peach_2003]

I didn't even know this until after he died. his mom wrote it. they even called the funeral home the day before I was suppose to take him off life support to let them know that he was likely to be there the next day. I would have said more in the obit but this is what they wanted and I was and am too weak to fight them on it. 

[amylw]

These little snippets are just absolutely Infuriating and heart breaking even if I have never/will never meet you guys. I can not understand that there are people in this world who behave like this. People tell me ‘everyone grieves Differently - I am not naive, I am not totally unaware of other people’s feelings/emotions, in fact I am so the opposite way that most of my life is spent completely anxiety stricken by other people’s opinions etc. However, some things there are just no excuse for.

 

how are you guys doing? I am drowning. I know it’s all ‘natural’ but I don’t want to feel ok! How can I be okay with my Sweetheart? And my beautiful Nanny? I am 26 ‘you have your whole life ahead of you’ feels like the most overwhelming and horrific thing I can ever think of, right now. Sorry I’m not making conversation or elaborating or whatever like I would Normally try and do. Chronic fatigue syndrome really took away a lot of my cognitive function and of course now I don’t even know who or what I am anymore. 
 

Love to you all xx

[peach_2003]

I feel like I am drowning too. I cant stop crying and my heart feels like its been shattered. My husbands mom says that I am young I am only 36 and that in the future I might want to find someone new. but that's not what I want ever and I cant even think of being with anyone new. His parents just keep saying I have to move ahead but it hurts so much. His friend has been the one that has been the most helpful. he says that it doesn't matter how much I cry just to let it out who cares what others think as they don't know what I am going through He tells me that my husband is still here with me. 

[amylw]

7 minutes ago, peach_2003 said:

I feel like I am drowning too. I cant stop crying and my heart feels like its been shattered. My husbands mom says that I am young I am only 36 and that in the future I might want to find someone new. but that's not what I want ever and I cant even think of being with anyone new. His parents just keep saying I have to move ahead but it hurts so much. His friend has been the one that has been the most helpful. he says that it doesn't matter how much I cry just to let it out who cares what others think as they don't know what I am going through He tells me that my husband is still here with me. 

Honey I am 26 and I totally get it. People saying you have to move on it absolutely unthinkable. It’s totally not what you should think about although I know odd hard because I suffer extreme ocd anxiety and I My mind immediately started screaming  ‘any life within my darling Matthew will not be fair on him’ etc etc. Although I can’t tell myself it because my mind works in unhelpful ways, you’re sweetheart will always be part of you. Honey, If you were thinking of anything else right now, I think I would say you weren’t coping/grieving properly - I know there is no ‘correct way to grieve’ but I hope you see what I’m aiming to say. Xx 

 

[peach_2003]

I really don't want anyone else. Matthew was the only one that I ever wanted. we were together for 17 years this June. I don't think I will love anyone else.

[amylw]

I know I won’t either.... and that feels completely overwhelming and just - I can’t even explain, to feel a whole life ahead of you l, doesn’t it?

[peach_2003]

I keep asking why he left me if he loved me so much. Why did the doctors not save him. He had Pancertitis which if you look on the internet is treatable. I don't understand what happened. I just don't get it. 

[amylw]

I understand. This world is just not fair. What happened to my love should just never have happened either. We are still waitinh on post mortem too and to have lost my Nsnny since. I have no idea what has gone so wrong in our world I have always find everything I can to do right and family have had a terrible set of bad luck let alone to poor health my lovely man supported/cared for me through. I am sorry I can’t help you any more x

[peach_2003]

He didn't even have covid-19 he had pancertitis he went in to the hospital on march 1st and died on march 27th it was the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with

[Missy1]

None of this is easy, people here just do their best to comfort others because we are all in so much pain. I scream and cry and have suicidal thoughts every day! Your age and marriage factors have nothing to do with it, love is powerful and loss is real.

 You have every right to be angry and hurt. 
I hope you read some threads, there are genuine people here. Many if not all on this forum have lost our entire world and are very raw and honest. Sorry for your loss, I mean that sincerely.

 

 

nothing to lose, we already lost our world.

[jwahlquist]

It is always so draining to be around others for me.  No one seems to understand how hard this is.  My world has come to a stop.  I feel like a shell of who I used to be; I am so empty.  I am not sure who I am or who I will be as I go on.   I can’t pretend to be “ok” just to make them comfortable.  I would rather that they just avoid me altogether and not ask me how I am doing.  

[Dey]

@amylw i'm sorry for your loss, for how his family treat you too. I lost my dear husband on 8/4 due to sudden heart attack. I was not ready completely, not that we would be ready for this kind tragedy. I'm also drowning, devastated and overwhelmed, but I have to take care of my 11 yo son. I do anything autopilot-ly now. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, amylw said:

I don’t feel like I even belong here because we weren’t married

Oh Honey, you belong here as much as any of us!  This is the place where those who have loved and lost come to be understood, to relate, to get encouragement, to learn along the way.  We want to be here for you.  I am so sorry his family dares diminish your grief!  I am so furious on your behalf, I would have a word or two to say to them if only I could!  I would tell them first off that he would not have liked how they're making you feel.  And second, "Thanks for devaluing our love and my grief!"  I'm sorry, it seems sometimes grief brings about the worst in people, they can't see for the fog they're in.  The only grief they acknowledge is their own.  Elsewhere we posted that the worst grief there is, is our own.  And that's true for all of us, comparisons don't help anyone.

I'm glad you found this place, it is a place such as this that saved me nearly 15 years ago with my soulmate and best friend, George, suddenly died.  He'd just had his 51st birthday but we'd only met in our mid-40s...my earlier relationships were all disappointing...I'd been married for 23 years to someone who didn't love me.  George and I adored each other and it showed.  I'm thankful we got the years that we did, but they weren't nearly long enough, I thought we'd grow old together, now instead I'm growing old alone.

I wrote this article at about ten years out of the things I'd found helpful along the way and want to share it with you in the hopes that something speaks to you now, perhaps something else later on as our journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[foreverhis]

21 hours ago, amylw said:

Chronic fatigue syndrome really took away a lot of my cognitive function and of course now I don’t even know who or what I am anymore. 

Oh my dear, you are so young to have been hit with these conditions.  I've never said here what my specific auto-immune conditions are, but maybe it's time to do that.  I was diagnosed with severe CFS-ME many years ago.  I didn't even know what it was!  Then I developed secondary fibro and Raynaud's disease, along with mixed auto-immune symptoms.

I soooo understand your cognitive dysfunction.  It's one reason I prefer to write--well, type because my hands don't work well and my once gorgeous handwriting looks like a 5 year old's--because I can look at what I've written, change all the stuff that is weird or disjointed or incomplete, and keep changing it until I think it makes sense.  I loathe the disconnect between my brain and my speech.  Saying the wrong words, not being able to remember what something is, and the strange memory loss just destroyed a good part of my life.  And of course the fatigue with insomnia, the night sweats (and that was at the same time as menopause for me!), the joint and tendon inflammation, and those GD "flu like symptoms."  I've learned to live with a different "good day" base line than when I was healthy and strong.

And through it all, my wonderful husband was incredibly supportive.  He was always there for me, no matter what, just as I was there for him when he had a bicycling accident that would have killed him if not for the fact that we was wearing a good helmet.  Ironically, we were biking back from buying me a new helmet!  Because of his accident and my auto-immune conditions, we had to minimize our activities, lost a number of friends, and had to change so many things.  We spent more time together than most couples and yes, we had our "I am so irritated with you right now!" times and our "What was I thinking?" moments, but we preferred to be with each other over all others.  He was my best friend, my champion, my support through all that life threw at us.  We were a team of two imperfect people who were perfect for each other, soulmates.  I know how it feels to have that ripped away and to be left floundering around, feeling hopeless.

I know how hard it is to live with illnesses and try to make a life worth living.  Finding that one person who "gets" us, who is there for us, who will always be on our side is so precious.  It sounds as if your Matthew was exactly that.  Though age and length of relationship matters little when it comes to this loss, my heart always hurts so much for young people like you.

I urge you to ignore the platitudes and unkind remarks as much as possible.  The people who say them have no idea what it is like for us.  And it's okay to be really angry about everything.  We already knew that life is unfair, but losing our soulmates feels so much worse than anything we can imagine.  You may feel like saying "Haven't I suffered enough already?  What did I do to deserve this?  What did he do to deserve this?"  As I have learned from members here and from my own experience, there are no answers, at least not in this life time.

This TED Talk was shared by one of our members several months ago, maybe as long as a year, but I can't remember.  Nora McInerny was a bit older than you are when she lost her husband, so she has a similar perspective of where you are in life, but much of what she talks about is universal.  We have members here of all ages, so it's good that you have others who can really understand you.  That was one thing I found difficult because I'm not young, but I'm not old enough to be considered in a "normal" age group either.  Only one person my age who I know, a family member, lost her husband several years ago.  Here, I found members who do understand and who are so helpful in making me feel that I am not alone.  I'm sure you have and will too.

Grief TED Talk

 

23 hours ago, amylw said:

I don’t feel like I even belong here because we weren’t married

Yes, you do belong here.  The loss of our soulmates is unrelated to length of time together and married or not.  Please don't think that the marriage certificate you would have had soon makes any difference in being accepted here as one of us.  You are not alone, ever, when you are here.

 

 

[amylw]

Thank you SO much for this detailed and lefty reply. This perfectly sums up exactly what we had. I am so sad this has happened to you, so sorry.

I am absolutely heart broken. I just feel like my life, has been completely stolen and now my whole life ahead of me feels like hell. Absolute hell.

This morning is/was my darlings post mortem. X

[KayC]

Thinking of you today...