What things do you miss about your spouse the most?

[jwahlquist]

I was just laying here in bed thinking about all of the things I miss about my husband.  Anyone else have a list, too?

I miss:

his amazing cooking

his amazing sense of humor (He can make me laugh almost anytime)

watching tv shows and movies together (I still can’t watch our shows without him)

playing video games together (I cant bring myself to play any of them)

having him next to me at night while sleeping and the sense of security it gave me

seeing him be an amazing dad (That was always his biggest goal and driving factor in life......being an amazing dad)

going on road trips listening to audiobooks and 80’s music.  
 

his amazing big bear hugs that made me feel so safe.  
 

kisses on the forehead every night before bed.  
 

hearing him say “I love you” or anything for that matter.  
 

our occasional date nights where we would go to a new restaurant, try new foods and then watch movies all night.  
 

I am sure I will come up with more.  

[KayC]

His holding me

Talking things over with him, we could always share from our heart

Spending time together, whether doing chores or going for rides or hikes or camping, we loved being together

He always called me on his breaks

We did everything together

He was my biggest fan and admirer, and I his

People always commented on how apparent our love was

He was such a hard worker!  He'd do anything for me

He was so kind and caring, he'd give the clothes off his back and sometimes did...to the homeless

[peach_2003]

Miss my husbands hugs and kisses

Playing video games or board games  together

Watching movies and tv shows

His snoring at night (although I thought it was a pain then I would give anything to hear it again)

I miss the way he would send me sweet e mails and post something sweet on facebook for me

I miss take long walks and just talking

I pretty much miss everything

 

[Missy1]

I miss everything, small things the most.
His love, his  presence, his voice, looking into his beautiful blue eyes. Our little games and goofy nicknames.
Hanging out in our pool and jacuzzi and our deep talks a about life. His brilliant mind and cheesy sense of humor. 

The feeling of loving and being loved like no one on earth! His freckles, his red hair, his hands and his hugs. Taking to him about everything and nothing. Hanging out together with my love and best friend. I will always love him more than anyone in my life.
 

[jwahlquist]

15 hours ago, Missy1 said:

The feeling of loving and being loved like no one on earth!

YES!   I miss that too.  I feel like no one is ever going to be able to love me so completely again.  
 

15 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

Miss my husbands hugs and kisses

This is one of my top things I miss.   He gave me kisses on my forehead each night before bed.  

 

15 hours ago, KayC said:

He always called me on his breaks

I am going to miss calling my husband everyday on my lunch when I actually get to return to normal teaching.    I always checked in every day.  

[Dey]

Everything...

I just miss him....

[foreverhis]

It's a million things, big and little.  I even miss his little idiosyncrasies that drove me batty at times.

But one thing comes to mind today:  His ability to make me laugh no matter what.  He had this annoying habit of saying just the right thing when I was annoyed or even a bit angry with him that would make me smile and chuckle.  Then I'd say, "You just ruined my perfectly good snit!" and he'd grin and say, "Yes, I know."  Then we'd both laugh, before working out whatever it was that needed discussing.

I miss his presence, plain and simple.  Just him being here making our house into a home.

[jwahlquist]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

His ability to make me laugh no matter what. 

My husband was always so funny and just happy.   He had the ability to make me laugh especially when I was having a rough day.  
 

I miss that.  There is no laughter in our house now.  

[peach_2003]

I miss cooking for him even when he was dying he was telling me he was hungry and I wanted to cook for him. I couldn't because he was in the icu 

[KayC]

You've heard the term "whatsoever."  George used to say "once-so-ever."  I never corrected him, I thought it was cute.  I miss that.

[peach_2003]

I miss when my husband would miss spoke as well. One time he told his mom at the dinner table to pass the tampons. What he meant was pass the tortilla rolls. we all had a good laugh at that. 

[jwahlquist]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

You've heard the term "whatsoever."  George used to say "once-so-ever."  I never corrected him, I thought it was cute.  I miss that.

That is cute.   
 

I miss that every day he walked in the door and said really loudly, “I’m home, where’s everybody at.”  It always reminded me of those 1950’s sitcoms where the husband announces him arrival. I feel like he should walk through the door any minute and I will hear him say it.  
 

I miss getting to plan vacations and talking about where we will go together.
 

I miss the silly little things he used to bring home for me on a whim.  A bag of chocolate or a flower.  

[peach_2003]

I miss the sweet e mails he used to send me and the cute messages and things he used to post on my facebook. I haven't even deleted his facebook yet, I know that his parents want me too but I haven't yet 

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, peach_2003 said:

I miss the sweet e mails he used to send me and the cute messages and things he used to post on my facebook. I haven't even deleted his facebook yet, I know that his parents want me too but I haven't yet 

Well he was your husband so you should decide what to do with his Facebook account.   I believe there is a way to turn it into a memorial page on Facebook.  That way you would still be able to view it but essentially they lock the account so that no one can hack it.  
 

I am planning on memorializing my husband’s that way I can still look back at his posts and pictures if I want to.   

[peach_2003]

that is something I could do I wish his mom didn't have face book then I could do it without having to worry about her seeing his old posts. she doesn't go on there often but she still does once in a while

[jwahlquist]

Just now, peach_2003 said:

that is something I could do I wish his mom didn't have face book then I could do it without having to worry about her seeing his old posts. she doesn't go on there often but she still does once in a while

You just have to submit a form.  It also turns off notifications for their birthday and they won’t show up In the friend suggestions and etc.   

I don’t think she would see anything unless she specifically went and looked at his Facebook page.   If she does that then it is her looking for it.   I say do what bring you comfort.  

[peach_2003]

thanks for that I will think about it. if I could turn off notifications for his birthday and our anniversary  then it might be idea. 

[Missy1]

I love his FB I look at it everyday and post his memories. I will NEVER delete it, His sister texted me to,d me it was disturbing and confusing that I repost his old “memories’ that come up and pics on his behalf . I don’t care, all his friends know it’s me they don’t care it makes me feel good. 

[Dey]

I also don't want to close his FB account... but at the moment I don't dare open it yet. His account is full with our moments. He likes to take pic of me and my son, and posted them on his account. I think I'd be total mess when I finally open his account..

[KayC]

12 hours ago, peach_2003 said:

that is something I could do I wish his mom didn't have face book then I could do it without having to worry about her seeing his old posts. she doesn't go on there often but she still does once in a while

If you have his password you could go in and block her and she wouldn't see it.  Then you could memorialize it or just leave it be.  DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT!  His parents have exhibited far too much control and infiltration onto you.

My husband had myspace back when he died, don't know his pw, never got into it much.  But if he had FB, I would not delete it, it would be part of him.

[ccoflove]

Looking at his face, in his eyes, hearing him talk, him making me laugh, hugs, holding his hand, being in his arms, planning and having our adventures, listening to him play the guitar and harmonica, falling asleep next to him, sharing ideas, hopes, dreams. Him asking me if he had told me he loved me today.

[jwahlquist]

Today I am missing his cooking for us.  I am sitting here (yes sitting on one of my bar height dining chairs) cooking what my husband promised to make our daughter for dinner for her birthday.  I am trying to hold it together because I don’t want to make my daughter sad.
 

I just wish he was here to cook it.   

[Missy1]

@jwahlquistwhat did you make for your daughter’s Birthday? Whatever it was I know in my heart that it was very special to her. I am sure it was a hard day. These are new memories that she and you  will treasure forever, someday.

[peach_2003]

I miss cooking for my husband every day. I went to his parents house like we used to do every Saturday it is always hard to go there without him

[Missy1]

I bet, seems odd going anywhere without them by our side. 

[jwahlquist]

46 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

@jwahlquistwhat did you make for your daughter’s Birthday? Whatever it was I know in my heart that it was very special to her. I am sure it was a hard day. These are new memories that she and you  will treasure forever, someday.

I made her jambalaya from the recipe my husband always used.   It is her favorite thing my husband made besides hamburgers.  Mine turned out a bit different so I may need to tweak it a little because he probably had done so.  But it tasted good any way.  

[peach_2003]

it does, I don't even go to the toy section at Walmart anymore because he loved collecting action figures and toys and I just cant handle that section at all. There is this vintage store were I live that he loved going to the owners are extremely nice, right after he passed they sent me a message on facebook telling me how sorry they were for my loss and how much they will miss seeing him in the store, they couldn't believe that he was gone at such a young age, once this covid-19 is over I have to go the store to get a refund on tickets for a conference that was suppose to happen but didn't because of the covid-19 I know that it will be very hard to go in there because of how much my husband loved there store, 

[Bryn]

All of the above.

I miss the stories and the things that were ours.  I was telling a story to my friends about him and I and I burst into tears.  He would laugh at this story because it was funny and it was so "us" and trying to share it hurts because he's not here to fill in his lines.  I have to tell both parts now.  

[Missy1]

I miss our made up holidays we used to make holidays, it was just a day that we would takeoff and just enjoy each other do whatever we wanted to do, blow off our chores and just do ridiculous things and have fun!
Yes, We were a little odd and that we were so into each other that we didn’t care about the rest of the world. We isolated, we made each other the center of the universe.

[jwahlquist]

I miss how my husband always spent all day on May 4th every year saying “May the 4th be with you!”    Last year to celebrate my daughter got him a Porg toy that made all sorts of annoying noises.  

[Tracy D]

I miss his smile.  He smiled all the time.  The last 2 months he knew he was dying, that beautiful smile left his face for good

[A Wilson]

I miss his contagious laugh

[KayC]

@Tracy D I am sorry for your loss.  So recent.  I want to share my article with you that I wrote to help those newer at this...it is a compilation of things I've found helpful on my journey, random order, I hope something in  it speaks to you today, something else later on down the road.  I welcome you here although I wish this did not happen to another person. 

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jttalways]

When I’d be sleeping, whether it was in the hospital or at home, he would stroke my hair, arm or back lightly and fix the blanket to make sure I was covered. 

[peach_2003]

my husband would rub the back of my hand and squeeze it tightly

[KayC]

George would look at my hands that were showing signs of aging with veins popping out, and stroke them gently, gazing at them lovingly.

[Heart&Soul]

I miss him making me laugh he was so witty.  I miss his voice it was amazing.  I miss just talking to him.  I miss looking into his beautiful hazel eyes.

 

[jwahlquist]

Today I miss his company.  I miss someone wanting to be with me and enjoying talking to me.  
 

My daughter is so buried in her own grief that she rarely acknowledges that I exist.  She spends 99% of her time with her earbuds in.  I wish I had a better relationship with her.   She and her dad were so close and enjoyed doing so many things together.  Anytime I suggest we try something she either walks away or says no and goes back to ignoring me.  I honestly Feel like I have lost them both most days.  

[KayC]

I'm so sorry.  Is she in grief counseling?  Do you guys eat together?  Don't be afraid to be Mom...you can set the rules, she may roll her eyes or resent it but do what is in her best interest, even if it's met with resistance.  She undoutedly feels hostility/anger of grief.

[A Wilson]

I miss my husband's contagious laugh the kind that makes you laugh until you cry. I miss the way he would try to make a unique meal that really no one wanted to try but we did for him. The way he made me feel safe and protected. How handy he was around the house. I miss the way he would hold me at night. I miss his corny jokes and funny stories. I miss us working out together. I miss our movie  nights. I miss just sitting in the garage talking about just anything. Although I was already handy, he showed he so many things about fixing things around the house. He washed clothes and dishes because he was a very neat person and didn't like anything out of place. Although we had our ups and downs because we were both somewhat stubborn I now miss those disagreements, they kept our passion going in a good way. We realized it wasn't that serious and found a solution.  He had so many gifts and talents and I don't know if he realized how much he was loved by us. Meaning the family that lived in our home. We didn't always express how we felt about him which hurts me and my boys deep in our souls. This is what I will miss.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'm so sorry.  Is she in grief counseling?  Do you guys eat together?  Don't be afraid to be Mom...you can set the rules, she may roll her eyes or resent it but do what is in her best interest, even if it's met with resistance.  She undoutedly feels hostility/anger of grief.

Yes she has been seeing her therapist for telehealth aka online visits.   She doesn’t like the telehealth visits much.  I am planning on calling her doctor and making an appointment to  talk to her about my concerns.  I need to fill out a release so her therapist can talk to her doctor.  I think she may need some medication but I will leave that up to the doctor.  

[Jttalways]

@jwahlquist my heart goes out to you. I’ve never thought about how it would be if my son was grieving like your daughter. 

[jwahlquist]

She held herself together at first.  I think partially because she didn’t want to put more on me at the time.  I also think that being with her friends at school was therapeutic for her.  Now that we have nothing to do but sit at home where we fill the void daily it is harder.   I hope your son continues to do well.  I feel like getting her to admit she is struggling was the first step. It is likely going to be a long road for us both.  

[KayC]

There's no doubt that these COVID-19 restrictions are exacerbating people's grief by lack of support and other measures one normally has. 

 

[Missy1]

It does seem that we find more levels in which that person filled our lives and other’s lives with love. I forget sometimes that others are grieving his death as well. I only recognize my loss of him sometimes, he was primarily my person. I miss his constant companionship the most, steady and strong. 

[Jttalways]

On 5/16/2020 at 9:26 AM, KayC said:

There's no doubt that these COVID-19 restrictions are exacerbating people's grief by lack of support and other measures one normally has. 

 

Completely. I’ve been so depressed since this quarantine started.

[Mandy isabella]

I miss his presence. His hi hon every morning, his excited babbling about his El Camino, watching Netflix together, his smell, his tough exterior but very much a softy, his voice, his taking me to the Alamo, having drinks together,  his excited tone everytime he planted a tree, going out to dinner, him cutting up a pineapple for me, I miss everything! 

[KayC]

I miss his post it notes around the house, little love notes he'd put in places he knew I'd see, my closet, the laundry room cupboard, the kitchen, etc.  Today I ran into several, I've never removed any of them.

[confused_father]

I miss my wife's kiss, the intensity of the love in her big brown eyes, her "blonde" moments which were absolutely epic. I miss having a hand to hold whilst out walking and even the silly things like sharing the last cigarette in a packet and knowing it was gonna be me buying the next packet cos I always woke first. I miss her innocence, the way she would react all giddy when I randomly surprised her with flowers or a fancy meal, she was like a kid at Christmas it made me so happy. I even miss her snoring and hogging the blankets, I still wake up to this day a little sad that I have all the blankets and the room is deathly silent!

What I miss most of all is her presence at our daughters events, there's been award shows and school performances when I know she would be in tears clutching my hand bursting with pride, instead I'm just that weirdo with a kid with no mam that everyone whispers about behind my back!

[KayC]

Beautiful tribute to your wife.  The day my husband died was the last time I felt that feeling of all being right with the world, that intimacy only two soulmates can feel.