My fiance, unknown addiction

[Boxer]

Some months ago my partner of 14 years died from a drug overdose. I wasnt aware that she had an drug problem. There really wasnt any signs or anything obvious to make me think something was wrong. I just cant help but feel some blame , some responsibility. She was a nurse and I really didnt think about her access to drugs. I thought her knowledge would keep her from such a horrible situation. She died from a very strong IV drug that she would have to have built up a tolerance for. But that would mean she was doing drugs for a while and hiding it from me. It hurts so much to realize how much I have been betrayed. I am so lost without her! I am so sorry she lost her life , its was ruled an accident but Its hard to believe she screwed up . She knew too much about drugs. I am angry for her not confiding in me , I think it was selfish behaviour but try to realize that she was sick and not capable of logical , rational thoughts. But she seemed fine to me, her family and those she worked with. I just dont know what to do. I have been to 2 different grief groups but they only helped in the beginning. Now I am left alone and trying to accept it on my own but again the betrayal just tears me up.

[ModKonnie]

Some months ago my partner of 14 years died from a drug overdose. I wasnt aware that she had an drug problem. There really wasnt any signs or anything obvious to make me think something was wrong. I just cant help but feel some blame , some responsibility. She was a nurse and I really didnt think about her access to drugs. I thought her knowledge would keep her from such a horrible situation. She died from a very strong IV drug that she would have to have built up a tolerance for. But that would mean she was doing drugs for a while and hiding it from me. It hurts so much to realize how much I have been betrayed. I am so lost without her! I am so sorry she lost her life , its was ruled an accident but Its hard to believe she screwed up . She knew too much about drugs. I am angry for her not confiding in me , I think it was selfish behaviour but try to realize that she was sick and not capable of logical , rational thoughts. But she seemed fine to me, her family and those she worked with. I just dont know what to do. I have been to 2 different grief groups but they only helped in the beginning. Now I am left alone and trying to accept it on my own but again the betrayal just tears me up.

Hi Boxer,

I am sorry about the loss of your partner. Perhaps if a grief group didn't offer much help a narcotics anonymous group would. There are many many people who have hidden addictions. They manage to keep them from everyone until things go wrong. She may have thought she was controling the problem, and she may have not had the addiction for long. You can't beat yourself up, nor should you feel betrayed. She may have been ashamed and feeling guilty that she was hiding this from you. I know many nurses who have become addicted to opiates because of their work. It happens all too often.

Did they run tests to determine what drug it was? Had she had surgery recently? Was she overworked? I am glad you are trying us out. We will be here to listen to you.

ModKonnie

[Boxer]

Toxicology came back and it was fentanyl. She hadnt had surgery in a while and it had been years since she had any surgury. She worked 3 x 12hr shifts. She didnt show her stress to much , it always seemed she handled it preety good. Thats why I just cant understand it. Its just so senseless.

[ModKonnie]

Toxicology came back and it was fentanyl. She hadnt had surgery in a while and it had been years since she had any surgury. She worked 3 x 12hr shifts. She didnt show her stress to much , it always seemed she handled it preety good. Thats why I just cant understand it. Its just so senseless.

She may have been under tremendous stress at work or home and thought the fentanyl was a way to help. Any drug addiction is tough to understand. Some people are simply masters at hiding problems.

ModKonnie