Loss and feeling empty

[LBanning]

Hi, I have lost both my parents to pretty rough diseases and was there when each of them died. And I was there when other relatives left this world too, but nothing has left me as heartbroken as my husband dying suddenly holding my hand. He had been having health problems for a while, but even he said "I thought we had more time sweetheart" . I burns in my brain when I brought him home on hospice and within 24 hours he was gone. I am alone now, all is quiet. I want to sleep all the time not socialize even on the phone. He was cremated and is in a box in my home. I see him daily. I am surrounded by things that remind me of him and I have a whole workshop that I need to do something with, yet it is still untouched. He just died in October right at the start of the holidays. My life has been a whirlwind and I guess this is the quiet time everyone talks about. I just needed to talk to people who understand me and where I am coming from, yet don't judge me and try to fix me. I just need to talk about it I guess. I am a Christian and I know God is able to get me through, it is just the emotions hit me like a freight train at the oddest times and take over my day. Am I alone in how this has effected me?  

[ModKatB]

24 minutes ago, LBanning said:

Hi, I have lost both my parents to pretty rough diseases and was there when each of them died. And I was there when other relatives left this world too, but nothing has left me as heartbroken as my husband dying suddenly holding my hand.

Sorry for your loss. What you said about how you feel about your husband is something we can understand. I have lost many family and friends over the years but when I lost my husband it knocked the life right out of me. This is something that hurts you in ways you never thought possible. There are many of us on this journey and while we each may be in different places, we do understand and no one is here to judge you. Grief has no time line and there is no right or wrong way for you to grieve. We all have to find the things that help us get from one moment to the next and what works for me may not help you. Many might share things they have done but that is just it, sharing to give you ideas not telling you that you have to do any of it. 

It has been 2 years for me and I still miss my husband and that won't change, but what has changed is that it doesn't take my breath away to think about him now. The memories that once brought sadness and tears are now the memories that bring laughter and smiles when I think of them. 

My wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

[LBanning]

I am sorry for your loss too. Thank you for your kind words. I know my family does not understand the grief I have is so deep.  I just wanted to be with like minded people when I need to talk it out. I have said from the start. One day at a time is all I can do, then there are days it is one moment at a time. 

[Dey]

@LBanning i truly sorry for your loss. Losing parents, relative, and husband. I lost 2 male figures of my life in the span of 11 months, my father first and then my husband, just last week due to sudden heart attack. Losing the love of your life is really, really tough. I don't even know how I still alive these days, everything's in autopilot, if only I don't have my 11 years old son who also losing his father and best friend, I might be following my husband. 

I was there when my father passed away, and I was there too, holding my husband's hand when he breathed his last breath. His last word when he died was calling my name. I'd done anything at that time trying to bring him back, CPR, calling ambulance, brought him to hospital, but nothing bring him back to me. Now the house feels empty with only me and my son. I can't even sleep in our bed anymore because the memories of him haunting me. But I miss him. More than anything, more by days.

Then I found this forum. Here i can vent, cry, rant, be sad, no one judge me here. This forum is one of the outlet of my emotions, other members not judging me, they understand. One kind soul member wrote to me "just try to breathe, don't think about surviving years, months or even days.. just try to breathe now". That's my surviving guide now, breathe, one moment at a time...

[jwahlquist]

@LBanning

I am sorry for your loss.   I lost my husband unexpectedly in February.   You are not alone when it comes to the emotions.   There is just nothing that compares to the grief of this.  It hurts like I have never felt before, a crushing ache that smothers everything else.   I have never had a problem with anxiety or depression until now.   My doctor prescribed an antidepressant and some sleeping pills.  Those have helped a lot along with therapy.   I still cry every night and off and on during the day.   Emotions still hit me hard sometimes and sometimes unexpectedly in certain situations but the pills have evened my emotions out so there isn’t extremes.   ((HUGS)) 

 

[KayC]

On 4/14/2020 at 10:57 AM, LBanning said:

Am I alone in how this has effected me?

No, Hon, you're not alone...we're here, we get it, it hit us all like a Mack truck...or a freight train.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I want to welcome you here though, we're all going through this together.

My husband died of a heart attack, had just turned 51.  Some of you are much younger and may think 50s is old, but we never expected this.  We didn't meet until our mid 40s and thought we had years left together, would grow old together, even bought the porch swing to do so in!

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I worked hard at processing this, finding purpose, building a life I could live, I had the perfect dog companion and two beautiful cats, and lost them too now.  And now the social distancing, can't see anyone, can't go to church.  I never thought life would go like this.  I feel like I've been knocked back to square one after nearly 15 years!  I'll keep going because I have no choice.  My son brought me a puppy for Christmas, so I have to keep going for him.  I continue to do one day at a time, the best advice I got.

I wrote this about five years ago, I hope something in it is of help to you, today, something else perhaps on down the road.  

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Missy1]

@LBanning so sorry for you loss, you have found a great place where people do understand. I to lost my beautiful, kind husband and it’s torn me in half. 11 weeks, some days I feel so tired and lonely, each day is heavy.

I find ways to keep going but I don’t know I be able to do this. I am broken and wish every day I could be with him. This is so hard I struggle every day! I have learned a lot from kind, good people here. I know and understand but have yet to apply these nuggets to my life, I personally feel stuck. 
Everyone’s grief is different, I have complicated grief. I hope you will stay and read our threads and vent when feel the need. We are here and our number grows every day. I understand loss, pain and grief from losing the one that you love in this world! Again I am very sorry for your loss...

 

 

[MODArtemis2019]

You are not alone here, no judging, no fixing either.  

I am so sorry for your loss.

My husband also passed away sooner than expected, only three days after starting hospice. And his ashes are still in a box in the house, because I can't deal with them yet, after nearly one year. 

On 4/14/2020 at 1:57 PM, LBanning said:

but nothing has left me as heartbroken as my husband dying suddenly holding my hand

Yes. The worst night of my life. As it was for you, I think. But I am at the same time profoundly grateful that I was there. 

I have no answers except to say, people here do understand. We have all suffered this exceptionally painful and profound loss of our life partners. You are not alone in your grieving. 

[foreverhis]

On 4/14/2020 at 10:57 AM, LBanning said:

I am surrounded by things that remind me of him and I have a whole workshop that I need to do something with, yet it is still untouched.

Many of us here, including me, understand this completely.  My husband's second favorite hoodie still hangs by the door next to mine.  (Our daughter asked for his favorite, so of course I sent it to her.)  I even wear his on really cold days.  Several of his shirts, jackets, pants, and sweaters still hang in the closet or sit folded in his drawer.  Some of his personal things remain where he left them.  Likely some always will because he is still present in my life.  He sits on top of our entertainment center in a handsome leather cylinder with a favorite snapshot in front of it.  I tell people, only half jokingly, that it's so he can keep an eye on me.  It's also because he truly is still here with me.

It took me 10 months to even begin to reorganize my love's workshop.  And then I only did one wall and only because our garbage company was having spring clean up day.  He was a woodworker and tinkerer for fun and made us so many wonderful things over the years.  Beautiful designs, thoughtful and meticulously built.  But he'd been in the middle of reorganizing and had three projects either started or ready to start.  I couldn't find things I needed and had trouble walking in the garage.  So I spent a week going through part of it, crying often and smiling sometimes.

Don't worry about the notion that you "need" to do something on someone else's time table or even your own inner voice's expectations.  Your journey is yours alone and no one has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, feel, or think.  This kind of grief is a long, often painful, and sometimes dark road, but you are not alone.  Though we each have our individual paths, we are walking them together.

[Dey]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Many of us here, including me, understand this completely.  My husband's second favorite hoodie still hangs by the door next to mine.  (Our daughter asked for his favorite, so of course I sent it to her.)  I even wear his on really cold days.  Several of his shirts, jackets, pants, and sweaters still hang in the closet or sit folded in his drawer.  Some of his personal things remain where he left them.  Likely some always will because he is still present in my life.

I do this too.. wear his clothes all.the time now. It feels like my connection to him, feels like he's embracing me. It maybe just me fooling myself because the reality is he's gone, but I don't care, I still feel him near me.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It took me 10 months to even begin to reorganize my love's workshop.

I applaud you...I can't do it still.  I can't find anything, it was ransacked/burglarized and it's too painful/emotional.  

I still have my husband's bathrobe hanging on the bathroom door where I can look at it, hold it.  I always will.

[peach_2003]

I am just so sad without my matthew. I can't believe he is gone. I was there the day he died I held his hand all I do is cry all day long. Plus isolation I cant have anyone over and the only person I want is my Matthew. I feel like the doctors and nurses at the hospital let me down They promised him and me before putting him on the ventilator that it was only for a few days. one doctor promised that he was going to get through this 100 percent.  Another doctor said the worse was over and yet he still got sicker I just don't get it I don't understand it. I don't understand why they didn't do surgery to fix the problem. They said that if they did surgery he would die But he died without it any way. 

[KayC]

I know, my husband was waiting for a five-bypass surgery when he died.  I honestly don't think he would have made it through the surgery if he'd had it, but I did think we'd get that night together, we didn't.

There's nothing fair about this.  In your situation they didn't foresee this happening.  I am so sorry.  No answers.