loss of wife Loss of my wife

[Jim1976]

My wife suffered from bipolar disorder and after two attempts she took her own life 3 weeks ago I am absolutely devastated she was my best friend I feel so guilty and scared of the future with my children 

[KayC]

Jim, I am so sorry.  You have found a good place to come to where others going through similar experience get it.  It helps to be able to express yourself here, lends you validation to your feelings.  Welcome to this site.  None of us wanted to be here, but are sure glad, being as we are in this situation, that this place exists for us.

I wrote this article about ten years out of the things I found helpful after my husband passed away.  I hope something is of help to you as it was to me, and maybe something else will speak to you later as this journey is ever evolving.  The most essential piece of advice that I got was to take one day at a time...still trying to live that way, as well as practicing living in this moment so as not to invite anxiety or miss whatever good there is...it's easy to see what's bad but takes more effort sometimes to see the good.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss.   It is so hard to lose your spouse especially when you have a great relationship.   The future is scary when you don’t have your best friend by your side.    
 

I lost my husband a little over 2 months ago unexpectedly due to complications from Influenza and strep.  We have an 11 year old daughter so I understand the struggle and fear associated with having kids and losing your spouse.   It is hard to balance their emotional/physical needs and your own at the same time.   My daughter and my husband were so close and it has been really hard on us both.   For me going to the doctor and getting a prescription for antidepressants has helped.   We both have been seeing a therapist and that has helped too.  
 

Just know that everyone here understands what it is to lose their spouse or partner and understands your pain.   Sharing here helps.  

[Jim1976]

Basically I’m 44 my wife was 38 we have been together 15 years married 2009 and have a 9 year old and I have a step son who is 21 , my wife had a totally awful childhood with her father and mother and was brought up by her nan and really lovely family friend we met and fell in love instantly .After a few years I Noticed some strange behaviour but just thought it was her personality , she always loved to party and people loved her smile and energy then about 3 years ago things got worse she would cry and the anger got worse I couldn’t do any right so we went to London and paid a lot of money for a psychotherapist he said she had bipolar.She was given tablets which worked for a bit then I noticed a change , after a while I found out she was self medicating with cocaine to help her forget everything I wasn’t happy and begged her to stop we paid for a month in therapy for cocaine which I couldn’t see her in that time I was devastated so was our boys . A while after she called and said she was in the woods and I just about got there in time she tried to hang herself I took her home put her to bed and thanked my lucky stars I found her .The last 2 years have been a nightmare I found out she had stolen £4000 from our bank and stole £600 cash from the house for cocaine I couldn’t believe it she gave up her job got another one gave that up then said she wanted to look after our son and get better so didn’t work at all , I was getting up at 5:30 washing up , cleaning the house and walking the dog that’s before I even started my job ,I’d get in around 5pm and she would be asleep no dinner house a complete wreck and again I’d clean the house , she tried a overdose last year and was doing drugs 4-5 days a week while I was working spending more than I earned sometimes, she was disappearing for days on end no phone calls so I had to scramble to take and pick my son from school  , I was completely run down with everything and had to put a smile on my face for work everyday because I didn’t want people to think bad of her . I’m painting a bad picture of her I don’t mean to she was a really clever girl had a degree everyone loved her and that big smile .3 weeks ago my life came crashing down She went missing Friday I called police reported her missing Sunday the police cane round they found her in woods in a golf club she had hung herself my baby was all alone gone I punched a door fell to my knees wailing my step son came out he knew .I didn’t eat for 4 days just crying screaming no sleep it’s ended my world Every morning she’s in my dreams telling me she’s alive I wake up she’s not  ,everyday the pain is relentless today my step son went to see her I couldn’t go I broke down again and cried for hours I never cry but I’m stunned everyone said she was determined to do it , I tried to stop the drugs , I tried to help her so much I’m broken absolutely broken now I’ve gone through some of her bank statements and she’d racked up loans of £10,000 but I’m not angry it’s her voice i miss our cuddles at night our chats when one of us is down , how can I cope my poor 9 year old mum was his life now it’s just dad it’s so so sad . 

[Jim1976]

Again wake up this morning she is in my dreams , why did she do this can’t believe she’s gone she was my soulmate our life was in turmoil but I thought it would get better why couldn’t I see this coming 

[Missy1]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died 10 weeks ago, slowly thru time he started to lean on alcohol. He lost his job that event spiraled him into a dark place. He became depressed and had anxiety attacks. I tried so hard to help him. I lost him. I sent him to get help, it worked for a few months then he would go back down. We loved each other so much, we had an amazingly happy life, this thing Crept up on us and I couldn’t save him. He lived for a few days in ICU, he regretted his impulsive act, he was on meds and very intoxicated, he didn’t even realize what had done to himself. He clung to his life in those last  days but the damage was too much, his organs shut down. He was never suicidal before, he was happy, kind and wonderful. I guess he felt he was no longer  able to add vale, he felt he was only bringing me pain, which was not true! 

[Jim1976]

Sorry missy , don’t know about you but the pain of our circumstances mentally and physically is like nothing I’ve encountered before at the moment I’m glad she not in pain anymore to angry why she done it but  when I juggle these things I just think of her voice and touch now that is a heartbreaker.Sometimes I think our loved ones would have gone down this road whatever we could have done we both tried to help them and they didn’t realise that we loved them with all our hearts and could we have done more I don’t think so .Trying to be strong for the kids is going to be hard every day is like wearing concrete boots I feel your pain missy your not alone trust me I’m always here if u want to chat it’s nice to talk about things and I suppose it’s part of grieving 

 

 

[KayC]

My heart goes out to both of you.  I've told Missy this before, but my husband came to me three weeks before he died, confessed he'd been using Meth.  His boss got him on it, he took it for more energy so he could work harder...he was afraid of losing his job, he provided my health insurance.  They were already breaking his weight limitations, he worked really hard physically, he was a welder, he'd lift/hold things in place while welding them, heavy things.  I told him I wouldn't live under a bridge with him, told him what he'd have to do to stay with me, rehab for one.  He was getting help.  He had a heart attack, was in the hospital, the third day he had another heart attack, his heart had been severely damaged six months before when he'd literally died while driving and the airbag going off gave the thrust to his chest that restarted his heart. He wasn't diagnosed until that final weekend though, he died on Father's Day.  I fault his boss largely, he never even bothered to send a card or come to his funeral.  George even gave him a ride to work every day, going two cities out of his way to do so!  We had no idea he had heart trouble although he'd been to the doctor complaining about the symptoms.  I fault the doctor too.  All he wanted to do was be able to help provide for me, but the drugs were a bad idea, I'd rather he pumped gas at home than go through all this, he had 150 mile/day commute on top of the hard work.

I loved that man more than anything in the world.  We were soul mates, no doubt about it.  He was my person.  It's been 15 years come Father's Day.  He just had his 51st birthday five days before.  Now I'm growing old alone.  It seems like it's been forever...

[Jim1976]

Thank you Kay , your words mean so much they really do , as you know the loss is so heavy even though we couldn’t stop them me personally feel as though when I got married my job as a husband was to protect my family at all costs and I feel a complete failure I was so completely broken with my situation I’m worried I took my eye off of her but yes I was angry deep down I felt let down every day I feel like one cuddle maybe could have stopped this nightmare but no , what makes it so upsetting is the boys especially the 9year old loved her so much why would u do that to them ?? It’s really tough isn’t it Kay life can be so cruel you sound a strong person and that’s what I’m trying to find at the moment but please remember we are never alone 

[Jim1976]

Again wake up panicking , I take all the advice and people telling me she was ill and I couldn’t have stopped her but even through the bad which was truly breaking me I want to see her smile and hold her and tell her it will all be ok but I know I have to go forward and be strong , weird thing is I know if I was me who died she would be getting on with life and be so strong . I still am racked with guilt I’m her husband why didn’t I see this and stop it , life absolutely sucks at the moment and I to be honest it’s my kids which stopped me from joining her even though that’s not the answer but when the initial pain hit that’s the only thing I could think of to 1 stop the pain and 2 to see her again .I do feel scared of my future I feel as though I didn’t deserve this and scared of the pain as I’ve had enough of feeling like this , our life wasn’t good in the end we often talked about breaking up weather we were just saying it I don’t know but I was so low and down to be honest couldn’t get much lower and then this !!! Thing is I’ve always tried to be a decent person do the right thing always there for people and where did that get me , I have years of hell and then my girl goes and does this .

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Jim1976 said:

what makes it so upsetting is the boys especially the 9year old loved her so much why would u do that to them ??

I doubt she thought about that, just wanted out of what she was feeling.  Bipolar is a horrible thing to live unless it's under control.  It seems such a waste of a good life, esp. since she was loved and had you and the kids!  

Keep being that decent person, it's not that being decent got you nowhere, some things we can't control, but I believe good things can still come our way.  

It took me a long time to work through all of my feelings with George...a year later I was still piecing together lies he'd told me or theft from the household (me) for his drugs, seemed incongruent to the man who loved me that I'd trusted.  I did eventually work through it all, had to realize it was a sickness, doesn't excuse it or make it right, but it was what it was.  I forgave him...understanding forgiveness doesn't let them off the hook for their actions, it doesn't mean you're okay with what happened or excuse it, but you let it go and no longer hold it against them for what they did and then it no longer has the power of you to change who you are as a person, your core values.  I finally realized I had to accept the whole of the man, not just in part.  And the whole of him was a good man.  He had good intentions, he just made a bad choice and all of the supporting decisions he made went along those lines, but that wasn't the person I fell in love with, the person I married, my soulmate, it was only a part of him...if that makes any sense.  However you can figure to work through this!

Continue being who you are, you sound to me like a wonderful person, please don't let this change that, your kids need you.

[foreverhis]

Forgiveness is such a tricky thing.  I am still having trouble forgiving myself and turning my guilt into regret.  Why couldn't I have saved my husband from his cancer?  Why did/didn't I/we/the doctors...?  How could this happen?  What if he'd never met and married me, would someone else have been a better wife and would he still be alive?  And on and on.

I've come to a few conclusions lately that may or may not be useful and that I can't always accept as true just yet.  The biggest, the one that pretty covers all of it, is two questions:  If my husband were here by my side would he have forgiven me for any mistakes I made and would I have forgiven him for any mistakes he made?  The answer is yes.  As we go along in our relationships, the only ones that survive and even thrive are the ones where we are both willing to admit our faults and forgive the faults of our soul mates.  No one is perfect, as we all know.  That stupid movie quote "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is wrong on every level.  Love means 100% knowing when to say you're sorry and knowing when to accept that from your mate. 

Forgiving them doesn't mean we're okay with whatever they did wrong, it doesn't make it right, but it does mean accepting that loving them includes their mistakes, just as they love us "warts and all."  I can only imagine how much harder that is when you have to forgive your soul mates after they have died.  You can't "have it out" with them in person; they can't apologize and make amends.  And so things might feel unresolved for a long time, which would no doubt make grieving harder because of that underlying anger.

My husband apologized to me for "getting so sick" when he was fighting his cancer.  I told him honestly that none of it was his fault.  I even made him learn that as a mantra for when he was feeling guilty.  I'd make him say it out loud:  None of this is my fault.  I made him say that because it was true.  It should be no different for what we call a "mental" illness, that is an illness that originates in our brains.  Those illnesses are no more someone's fault than any other illness or injury.  We may not understand it, but that doesn't make it any less a medical condition.  We don't understand why some people get cancer or auto-immune diseases or other things either.  They are all medical conditions and not some sort of failure or weakness.  We wouldn't tell someone with heart disease to just "get over it" would we?  It bothers me no end when people try to separate "mental" illness from other illnesses.

So with that in mind, I'd ask this:  Would we forgive our soul mates for their mistakes and faults if they were still here with us?  I know I would and I suspect others would too. 

I don't know if this helps at all.  It's only now after nearly 20 months that I'm coming to some degree of understanding.  Those first months after, not much helped at all.  My pain was so raw, so oppressive, and so constant that I couldn't see how I'd ever feel the slightest bit better or how I could ever forgive myself for not saving my essential love.  But time is beginning to help soften those raw edges and there are bits of light and hope in my life that weren't there before.  I know I have years more to go on this journey, but I am learning to live with my grief as a part of my life, rather than all of it.

I'm sending comforting hugs to everyone.

[Jim1976]

Thank you Kay, I know where your coming from and it wasn’t them in the end like all of us they had so much to offer , I was constantly lied to and it made me feel worthless it’s all what if I’d have sat her down , what if I’d have been more patient what if ,what if !!!! . Everyone says she wasn’t a mother or wife in the end and it wasn’t pleasant but to feel her skin against mine now or hear her laugh would make me the happiest man in the world , I try to be positive and I’m told I have a future, it’s a future I didn’t think I’d be having . 
Sad days

[Missy1]

Yet despite their flaws they were our person in life and we love them! We always had hope that they could get through this at least that’s how I felt because where there’s life there’s hope. I just also wish that he could’ve talked to me about this, I would have told him how much he meant to me. We could have  worked  through whatever it was and fought those  demon his head. Love is forever, I know he is always by my side. Sometimes I feel him hugging me. 

[Jim1976]

Had lots of chats with people yesterday made a lot of sense she was in pain and couldn’t carry on but deep down it’s hurting like crazy , my young son was in the bath yesterday he looked sad and told me would mummy have hurt herself if he was there as he chose to stay with his friend the night it happened poor little man .woke up for once not as bad fell asleep again me and my wife were hugging each other felt unreal then woke up and no this is really happening, went in the garden and had a chat with her asking why she done this she was so loved after all we went through I could have given up loads of times I didn’t why did she !!! I’ve had a cry got angry and want to swap with her as she was a amazing mum .To be honest I hate life I hate people who are happy I hate bipolar disorder I’m here for my son I just can’t face anymore pain every day all I see is her little face I want to kiss her and tell her it’s all ok even though I tried, she took our dreams our past everything with her and left us with so much torture.People day she done this to stop hurting us but I’m sorry nothing hurts more than this .people say to me I’ve not lived for the past 3-4 years as the illness took over and they are right it’s been bad real bad but even though I thought we’d get through it I really did I thought I was at my lowest but this is another level .

why ?????

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I can only imagine how much harder that is when you have to forgive your soul mates after they have died.  You can't "have it out" with them in person; they can't apologize and make amends.  And so things might feel unresolved for a long time, which would no doubt make grieving harder because of that underlying anger.

It is hard, but I've learned we can have all kinds of emottions, even in contrast to each other, at the same time and they're all valid, and it doesn't mean we don't love them 100%!

 

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

That stupid movie quote "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is wrong on every level.  Love means 100% knowing when to say you're sorry and knowing when to accept that from your mate. 

So true!  So many people don't understand forgiveness, they think it's something it's not.  Like you, I start by explaining what forgiveness ISN'T and then what it is, what it's for.  Forgiveness is neither cheap nor easy, but it is valuable.

foreverhis, you are so wise and what you say about mental illness is true!  We are a product of our experiences, what we've gone through, how we're raised, as well as our genetics and our decisions are often a cumulative total of all we know and have been through.  And that person we love, we love the good, the bad, and the ugly, even when we disagree with the wisdom or lack of it in their choices/actions.  Hindsight is always easier...even for them.

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

would someone else have been a better wife and would he still be alive?

You were his choice for a wife so YOU alone are that better wife and no, I doubt someone else could have saved his life...who better than you, who loved him completely, who would have done anything you could for him?!

5 hours ago, Jim1976 said:

she took our dreams our past everything with her and left us with so much torture.

I agree except with the past...no one can take that away from you, only the continuation of it.  I have our life together, it happened, he existed, I laid in his arms, we were partners, a team, we got each other, we understood each other, related to each other, enjoyed the same things, going for rides, camping, watching a movie together, and he loved everything I cooked for him.  I enjoyed his humor, his eagerness, his spirit, it was mine, no one can take that from me!  It is mine for all time, not just a memory, it was reality in my everyday life for years...now things are different, they've changed, I'm alone, I have no one to share in life with, but for that time period I did and it really existed.  That things changed for me does not negate any of that time together that we had.

Jim, it's okay to feel anger, it's part of the process and you have a lot to feel anger about.  

[Jim1976]

So I’ve got to go home tomorrow first time since it happened more pain then 11:00 it’s my baby’s funeral can’t believe it , I really really loved her not the bipolar monster that got her but the stunning bright spark I married , what hurts most is that she deserved so much more all the pain she went through the upbringing and I was meant to stop that but I couldn’t people say to me that she was determined to do it but I wish she would have just thought of us for a millisecond and come out of that mindset .Its hard because the last 3 years that illness consumed her and I feel bad I had to work feel bad I got depressed myself about it maybe I should have sat her down and begged her it would be different. Love u my prinny xxxx

[KayC]

Jim, I don't know that there is any possible outcome other than the one that happened because all of the what-ifs didn't happen, but I really hope you don't beat yourself up, you sound like you were a good husband, you loved and persevered through the hardest of time.  You and your son deserved better than what happened...but then so did she.

[Jim1976]

Had my girls funeral yesterday absolutely gutted can’t believe she left us , came home for the first time since saw her clothes and broke down it’s so lonely my kids are fine but the pain is unbearable even though people tell me the situation couldn’t carry on I’ve got no direction no outlook on life I don’t want to wake up anymore as she gone , people say it takes years to get better , I don’t think I can handle years I really don’t 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry, Jim.  You have the funeral behind you, you won't have to do that again.  You are surviving the unthinkable, even when you didn't think that was possible.  Give it time for you to process, adjust bit by bit, it takes more time and effort than I care to say, but it happens when we least notice, the changes are so minuscule as to not seem apparent..

You can't handle years...you can do today, one minute at a time, one foot in front of the other...tomorrow you get up and do it all over again.  I don't mean to make it sound like groundhog day, it's not, there will be changes, evolution, it doesn't stay in the same intensity as it is at first.  I can't tell you when it'll change, we're all different, but only that it will.

[Jim1976]

Feel very lost today but I am actually doing things then see her clothes and break down I so wish I could be strong she would if she were here , had some dreams about her this morning people say that’s nice to me it’s not it’s torture I can’t see a way out of it stuck inside with only dreams , why did she hurt me all this time and then destroy me ,all of us I’ve so much to do and it’s so hard why didn’t I see it coming even through she’d tried before why couldn’t I get her off the drugs it’s question after question 

[Missy1]

I do this a lot, why and what if, I don’t think there are really any answers. We truly don’t know what goes on in other people’s heads. We love and try our best but we are still alone in our thoughts in our heads. It sounds like she loved you and the kids very much, substances including alcohol changes your brain functions. Drugs can really alter reality and can cause one to act on impulses that that person would normally not. I know my husband was on anxiety meds mixed with alcohol,  causing him to be more depressed as well. Everything is magnified and reality is warped. I know my husband felt he did this out of love for me, that he was causing me pain and no longer  adding value to our lives. So wrong, I wish I would have known. He was never never suicidal. Was always happy then he changed...

[KayC]

I think most of us asked why in the beginning for quite some time until we realized there were no answers forthcoming.  Mix this loss with the solitary confinement we're all in and we're all struggling to stay afloat.  

My husband wasn't suicidal but he did actions that helped take him from me.  He had Diabetes and I tried feeding him healthy, didn't allow sugar in the house, etc. yet he'd constantly sneak candy bars and donuts, took up smoking again.  Mostly I blame his job for overworking him physically and getting him onto drugs so he'd work even harder than physically possible.  When I realized everything it was too late. 

[Jim1976]

I just feel numb with grief all I see are things where that should be us maybe if I would have sat her down more often and made her feel special or anything , I need to go forward for my kids and me just don’t know how to feel again I see her everywhere wish I could have told her everything would be ok she had so much energy for life and that bipolar and drugs took her , her friends who knew her condition didn’t help her by doing drugs with her and they get to get on with life and I’m without the person who I adored more than anything I feel betrayed by all of this 

[KayC]

I understand, I really do. 

 

[Jim1976]

So, woke up feeling sort of normal but I get very confused in the mornings went to the kitchen reality sets in normally when u cry you feel sad or get a warning but this just hits you in a second ‘bang’ crying wailing but I made it to the ‘crying room’ an office in the garden I built for my wife so the kids can’t see , now I don’t mean to offend anyone but I started talking to god I’m not really religious but I was asking my wife why she done this to us , why give up on us , then I started getting angry with ‘ god’ , how can a god give my wife a abusive scary upbringing then give her to me to love and support then give her a mental illness, how can god make her suffer and let her do drugs to self medicate and be in constant pain then let her commit suicide, how can a god watch people suffer around the world , how can a god watch people starve , what god would let there be so much anger in the world , It’s just another step in my grieving process but she didn’t deserve this , I didn’t deserve her she tried and tried but the monster took her from us I mean the illness and the drugs . I have never ever tried so hard to make something work I’m not and never will claim to be perfect far from it but that illness and the drugs the last 4 years has broken me , sometimes I think I could have done more to help but I didn’t understand it I didn’t understand life still don’t , I look at her stuff around the house and can’t believe she’s not going to wear her clothes again or do her hair in the mirror. I really miss my wife , really wish I done more things with her but I was in a no win situation I had to work . I really feel for everyone on this forum as only we know this pain . 

[Missy1]

Anger is also okay, sometimes I am angry at myself, I think it’s that we had no control over what happened. No matter what we tell ourselves, ultimately it was something we could not stop. We love and do our best, God gives each of us free will. 

[KayC]

I agree, it's okay to feel anger.  I don't look at it as God was behind this, sometimes stuff just happens and we're getting the fallout but I think most of us feel why didn't He stop it?  I don't know. 

 

[Jim1976]

I just can’t get my head around in 4 years she was doing drugs I couldn’t stop her , surely I could have done something, just one word to stop her , I became so angry with drugs near me and the kids and our money was gone maybe I took my eye off of her bipolar disorder or was it the bipolar or was it both , 4 weeks has gone and I still feel stunned still watch out the window for her waiting but then I think that she was never here anyway so what’s changed . Thing is when she did disappear deep down I knew she would come back at some point , now that feeling has been replaced with pain and fear and loneliness. I gave her everything she ever wanted car , house , dog  but maybe she just needed her brain sorted so she could live a normal life . Miss her xx

[KayC]

We aren't all powerful.  I think this is harder for men particularly because they feel they should be able to take care of their family, fix everything, but the truth is, we all have limitations.  People are free agents and do what they will and we don't possess the power to always stop them.  We forgive them, we always love and miss them.

[Missy1]

The pain and grief mixed with our gilt is very overwhelming. Please try to be kind to yourself, you loved her, she made choices that were not your fault. Your processing it all, I do this a lot. I beg him to come back, that he can’t be dead it’s does seem possible. My rational brain knows he is now a box of ashes but I also know his soul and our love go on forever! 

[Jim1976]

I know I couldn’t stop her deep down but I’ll always have what ifs , spoke to her friend yesterday and apparently she told her that I didn’t love or kiss her enough but I was so upset with the situation I couldn’t just switch off it was so hard , also she thought I was cheating , how could she think that I never would cheat on her not a chance maybe it was the paranoia but still hurts to hear, my son had a stomach ache at 3 o’clock this morning but I didn’t know what to do as she always had the answers that hit home that I am on my own now and it felt deeply sad . Apparently she was telling people stuff about me which wasn’t true, when I used to do the school run I felt something wasn’t right With her friends now I know why , maybe if I was a drunk who went to the pub every night and done drugs , didn’t work it would have been ok , but I am what I am that’s not me just wish she could have accepted that 

[KayC]

That is sad, she created a situation of her own making and then reacted to your reactions as if it had nothing to do with her, and you learn about it later...why did she not talk with you about her concerns.  You have had everything on your shoulders for so long...working, taking care of things at home...and then to be told this!

[Jim1976]

She did talk to me about it Kay but it was on Facebook  and I was searching loads of people that’s what Facebook was about so came off it so she wouldn’t accuse me again about 7 years ago , but her having a picture with a ex boyfriend in a pub was ok apparently, I know it sounds like tit for tat but to be accused of stuff you haven’t done does really hurt , but again maybe that was her mental illness and a lot of the time I was treading on eggshells around her , it’s just very frustrating was I to blame was she just ill I don’t know but this is all I need right now 

[KayC]

Mental illness affects everything.  FB is not the appropriate place for married couples to hash things out or learn things.  FB can be a useful tool but too many use it inappropriately.  I'm sorry.