Members Left behind Posted April 9, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 Having an extra hard time tonight with my new reality. My birthday is coming up and it will be the first one that he won't be here for. I want to pretend that the day doesn't exist, because I feel like I died the same day he did. I don't want things to move on without him, and I feel wrong and guilty for getting older without him. I can't stomach the fact that this is my life now. My parents and everyone will want to call and send messages, but deep inside it's a huge reminder of him not being here anymore. I am struggling tonight with the idea of even trying to survive till my birthday. I keep thinking if I just leave this world now I won't have to live a new age without him. Everyday sucks, but these days of celebrations and family really eat away at my soul, especially since the best parts of my soul and heart are buried with the love of my life. I don't know how I am going to traverse this hell on Earth. There is no cure for this broken heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 9, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 One day at a time, Hon. I know it's hard. My first birthday without him was my worst birthday ever...no one remembered or called, not my kids, my mom, sisters, friends, no one. It was a huge disparity between when he was alive, he'd always make a big deal of my birthday. So for me it was a huge trigger of his absence, I cried myself to sleep. You might want to give it a try and let people shower you with love...yes he's gone and you will know that, but there's people here that love you and it's good tto lett that penetrate. I'm sorry, I know how hard this is. You're still very early in this. I was at about 3 2/3 months when I faced my birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted April 9, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 12 hours ago, Left behind said: I don't want things to move on without him, and I feel wrong and guilty for getting older without him. I can't stomach the fact that this is my life now. My parents and everyone will want to call and send messages, but deep inside it's a huge reminder of him not being here anymore. Everyday sucks, but these days of celebrations and family really eat away at my soul, It is so hard, each and every day that used to be special is now just another stabbing reminder of what we've lost. My birthday was less than a month after my husband died and his was only 2 weeks after that. I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through those days, though I was still pretty numb and every day was horrific. I was sure I didn't want anyone calling or messaging or anything at all. But what happened was that my little circle of family and friends took the right approach. They didn't try to "celebrate" me or my love on our birthdays. Instead they let me know that they loved me and him, and left it at that. My sister did something we rarely do in our family: She sent flowers. She contacted a local florist and I had two arrangements on my birthday. One traditional style in my favorite colors and a second with more unusual flowers and foliage in wilder bright colors for my husband, who was slightly unconventional and just a little colorful in a good way. No one sent flowers right after he died because they all knew that was not what I needed or wanted just then. But by sending both on my birthday, my sister made a point of understanding that my love and I will always be together. On his birthday, she sent a super cute and funny photo of her husband and their dog. She put a little note that she hoped it was okay and wanted to bring me just a little smile. No one hovered or tut-tutted or told me to cheer up, etc., but they did send love. I appreciated the difference and it made the days semi-tolerable. You might want to let one person, whoever you trust most, know that you do not want anyone to try to make your birthday a celebration, but that expressions of love would be okay (if they would be for you). But the most important thing is that you get through the day however you can. I really do understand how painful a reminder it is that we are getting older without our loves. I expect that every special day will always be painful and difficult. And I have no intention of ever celebrating in the way we used to do. I've let everyone know that I'd rather they ignore those days entirely than try to cheer me up. You have the right to tell people what you do and do not want. This is your grief and yours alone. It really is one day at time. I will tell you that for me the anticipation was almost worse than the days themselves. I don't know if that's typical, but that's how it was last year too. Know that we will all be thinking about you and sending you warm comforting hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted April 10, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 10, 2020 My hubby’s birthday is a couple of weeks before mine, in late June, I dread it! I am sorry you are so down. Sometimes it feels impossible to live this way. I feel very much like you do. I feel alone, floating, dead inside. I think our lives are tragic and ending it would make it worse, I know the pain he caused so many with his death, my death would double that for most of the same people. I exist each day, I feel like I need to uphold his honor and keep what remains going for some reason. I go from light to dark often, lately my mind has gong back before there was an “us” it’s very weird. It’s not a happy time, he completed my life. I have been trying to focus on keeping the best of out lives in tact. Maybe just try to do something different for your birthday, I don’t know the answer, my heart beaks for you, as I understand. I don’t feel like celebrating either but I know he wishes he was here with me every day. I don’t laugh, I am not very much fun to around. I stopped telling people, they are tied of me being depressed.it doesn’t change. But death is final, we have a built in survival instinct that is hard to overcome for a reason, we get only one life and we could be a lot worse off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 10, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted April 10, 2020 4 hours ago, Missy1 said: But death is final, we have a built in survival instinct that is hard to overcome for a reason, we get only one life and we could be a lot worse off. Oh Missy, itt warms my heart to hear you say that! (((hugs))) I think your suggest to Left Behind is a good one, to maybe try doing something different. If she feels like being alone, then so be it. Whatever way is your way to handle it, that should come before what others want to do or think she should do. Sometimes I feel like just getting in the car and going, but I don't. I don't know why. Of course now we have this stupid virus to consider, it's getting old and we've barely begun this isolation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted April 10, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 10, 2020 @Left behind I completely understand where you are coming from. I am not looking forward to my birthday this year either. My husband always made “my day” so special. He made my favorite food for dinner, brought me special little surprises and just in general made my birthday special. I am not looking forward to any holidays or celebrations at all this year. Valentine’s Day was miserable. I am likely going to want to skip every holiday this year so I don’t have to remember how special he always made those days. Of course, the whole Covid19 thing complicates life for many of us now so it is even harder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 11, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted April 11, 2020 I lost George in June...by the time Easter rolled around I major rebelled, told my kids I wasn't doing Easter, it was going to be a day like any other, even skipped church (not like me). The next weekend I had a big dinner with my kids...no mention was made of Easter, they understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted April 12, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 12, 2020 Thank you all for your support! It's been an extra hard month for me so far, and I know it's because of my birthday coming up, and being quarantined without my love. I know that is an obstacle we are all facing right now. His daughter called me tonight, and it was good to hear her voice. Sometimes talking to her helps me remember that I need to stick around for awhile, but the "what if" and "why" and the grief can really bring us to that brink of despair. It's a powerful opponent and I have to admit that it has almost won a few times. This quarantine has not helped matters, and I haven't been able to see my therapist because of it. So, I'm just kind of swinging from the trapeze with no real safety net right now. I know there are no real answers to the question "why", but it's still hard to accept that fact. I wish I was better with the concept of acceptance, because I really suck at it, and always have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jttalways Posted April 12, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 12, 2020 Oh I feel for you. 4 months after my husband passed was our anniversary, my birthday, then his birthday all in the same month, 1 week apart. I visited his family on our anniversary, on my birthday I got so drunk I passed out, and on his birthday I went to work and was an emotional wreck the whole day. That day was harder than our anniversary and my bday. It was like a hot searing blade right thru the heart for me. I wish I could tell you something that will make your birthday bearable but I can’t. Peace be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted April 20, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2020 @Left behind I am thinking about you. (Hugs) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted April 20, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2020 @jwahlquist, thank you so much! Definitely needed the hugs you sent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted April 20, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 20, 2020 Today is so hard. I don't know how much more of today I can take. It feels like the first day again. I hate this so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted April 21, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2020 I thought of you today, i can’t imagine how hard it was. Sending hugs... what did you end up doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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