Members Ivy Cruz Posted April 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 I lost my hubby last Feb.25, 2020 in a motor accident and I don't know how to live my life, we have kids 2 yo and the other is 4 months. I love him so much and it makes me wonder what is the purpose for all of this? I always cry in much pain as my heart is breaking knowing he is not anymore on my side. Waking up is not any more exciting, every day we communicate when he was at work. So many memories and so many plans in the future. And now he is gone...7years was full of love and happiness and its just a tragic incident for my family. Every second is killing me so much. And I don't really know if I will survive from this misery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted April 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 @Ivy Cruz I am sorry for your loss. I know that it isn’t easy especially when you have children. And your children are so young which means they don’t understand what is going on and are at the age where they take a lot of energy everyday. I hope that you have some friends and family you can lean on. I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 months ago due to complications from Influenza and strep. We have an 11 year old daughter. I get it my heart breaks every single day. I wake up and realize that I am never going to see his smile, feel his amazing hugs or hear his voice. It is so hard just to keep going. I did seek out help from my doctor and a therapist. My doctor put me on Zoloft which has helped a lot. Talking to a therapist helped a lot too. My parents have been a lot of help and have been a huge support. Of course life is even harder now with the whole Covid19 stuff. Life and work have come to a stop here. It is hard not being able to go anywhere or do anything. (Hugs) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ivy Cruz Posted April 8, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 @jwahlquist sorry for your loss too..It is a very tragic moment of our lives. Me and my husbands are best friends and we have so many plans in the future. And all I can think now was pain. It didn't came into my mind that I will loss him too early. I feel that life is so incomplete without him, so blank. And I can't even go out to vent out my problems with my friends because of this Covid. I felt hopeless and I don't really what to do. I missed him every second, I miss his voice, his kiss and embrace. Like I don't want to sleep because he is not beside me anymore. I felt pain knowing my kids will grow without their father. I know life would be hard being a single parent. Life is harder without a companion in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jwahlquist Posted April 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 18 minutes ago, Ivy Cruz said: @jwahlquist sorry for your loss too..It is a very tragic moment of our lives. Me and my husbands are best friends and we have so many plans in the future. And all I can think now was pain. It didn't came into my mind that I will loss him too early. I feel that life is so incomplete without him, so blank. And I can't even go out to vent out my problems with my friends because of this Covid. I felt hopeless and I don't really what to do. I missed him every second, I miss his voice, his kiss and embrace. Like I don't want to sleep because he is not beside me anymore. I felt pain knowing my kids will grow without their father. I know life would be hard being a single parent. Life is harder without a companion in your life. I agree with you 100 percent. Life is incredibly hard without the companionship that my husband gave me. I hate that my daughter will grow up without her father. They were inseparable and so alike. I was talking to my dad today about things in my life and choices I still have to make. He asked me “Well, what do you want?” I said,”I only want one thing and money can’t buy it.” “So I cant have what I want and nothing else really matters.” I miss my husband every single minute of each day. I would give up everything to have him back. I am sitting here with tears running down my face as I type this because it hurts so much. He was my everything: best friend, love of my life, reason I got up in the morning, companion, sounding board, and so much more. After being married for 22 years which is pretty much my entire adult life......I don’t even know who I am without him. We have retirement plans, vacation plans for our 25th anniversary and so many more. Now it is changed. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ivy Cruz Posted April 8, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 @jwahlquist yes, same with me. I told him to retire soon for us to have more time together. But everything change, his death changed a lot. He was my life and my everything. Yes, you are right life is unfair sometimes, I thought we will be together when we are so old.. Like I am so young to be a widow. 7 years was just too short for us. Like im gonna broke every second of my life. It is really really hard dealing with this pain. I cry everyday day, I cry every second knowing that whatever I do I will not have him back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted April 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 @Ivy Cruz I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost ,y husband 10 weeks ago, This is horrific thing to endure. Many of us are on this same journey. Each day is painful, our future dreams are shattered. I live day to day all I think about is my sweet, wonderful husband. I am now starting to function but it’s very empty. Glad you found this site, read some threads, vent your pain it helps. There are lots of good, kind people here who are very supportive and truly understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 8, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted April 8, 2020 I am so sorry...to say it's unfair is an understatement. I don't know that there IS purpose in their dying, esp. when they had their whole lives ahead of them and had young children who need them. I have no answers. I wrote this article about ten years after the sudden loss of my husband, he'd just turned 51 and we thought we'd grow old together. I hope you find something of help to you now, something else on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rhonda R Posted April 9, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 I’m so sorry you are going through this at all, but especially now when you need people to support you. You are far too young to have lost your husband and your kids their dad. Life is really unfair. I know the pain is excruciating. I’m sorry. I hope you will find support here and make some lasting connections. The best advice I can give you right now is to take it day by day, moment by moment and breath by breath if you have too. Now is not the time to think about the future. Right now it’s all about survival. Be patient and kind to yourself, you are going through a lot. Picking up the pieces is overwhelming and messy. It’s not something that you will do overnight and your going to need support. I hope we can all be a part of your support system. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Left behind Posted April 9, 2020 Members Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 @Ivy Cruz, I am so sorry about your loss. I lost my soul mate and best friend 10 weeks ago. We had been together for 5 and a half years and we're set to get married this summer. He has two beautiful kids from a previous marriage who also became the loves of my life, and we were planning on adding to the family. He was my everything and I became his widow at the age of 36. We didn't just lose our soul mates, we also lost our futures we were suppose to have with them. It's a pain that is so unbearable that their are no words that accurately describe it. I definitely feel cheated out on the time we got to have together. I always pictured us growing old and grey together. I live everyday by just trying to get through each passing hour. I had to stop thinking about the future because it would destroy me by doing so. I have saved all his things, but I had to turn the pictures of him and us away from me for now. Everytime I looked at them it made me want to join him. Feeling lost and alone is my everyday now, even though I'm surrounded by loved ones. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but you are not alone in this journey. The pain you feel we can all relate to here on this site. My best friend has been staying with me for the past 10 weeks, and having someone here with me through this has helped. Waking up each morning and making it through the day is a huge accomplishment, and it's a battle I fight everyday, but it's been 10 weeks and somehow I'm still here. I didn't think I could make it one minute at the beginning let alone 10 weeks. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ivy Cruz Posted April 9, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 @Missy1 yes, I am starting to function too but i feel nothing, I feel like a robot. that all I want I want is to for the time to be moving fast. It is really so hard. Every time I think of him my tears are falling. We have so many plans in the future and all of it will never be realize. @KayC Thank you so much for all your advises. It is very hard to endure. Until now I cannot believe he is gone. I woke up empty and I sleep very empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ivy Cruz Posted April 9, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 @Left behind sorry for your loss too. Good for you that you have a bestfriend there to accompany you. Me, I don't have because all are far away. And this Covid situation makes my misery more heavy because I cannot go out and talk personally to some of my friends. Life is so hard now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 9, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 Ivy, it's the hardest thing most of us will ever go through in our lives, but I want you to know it can be gotten through. I can't say when it'll get better because "better" is a relative term and the circumstance doesn't get better but we amazingly, adjust somewhat and that helps....it's different for all of us, we have different relationships, personalities, coping skills, but they can be honed. I do think it's harder when you're so young because our friends aren't going through this, none of them are widowed, and we see life going on for them, but for us it feels like time stands still. It took me years to process George's death, years more to find purpose in my life, years more yet to rebuild a life I can live. And it's not the same, it never will be. One day at a time. Keep coming here, it helps to vent, to know there are others here that get it. Family/friends try but they can't get what they haven't experienced. Still it's nice knowing they try to understand. In a separate thread I posted an article about grieving with Covid-19, I hope you were able to read it. This is a unique time to go through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ivy Cruz Posted April 21, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted April 21, 2020 @KayC yes you are right. Things will never be the same as it was before, And it very hard coping up, it is very hard trying to make myself feeling okay but I am not. When things are so blurred that I cannot see my future without my husband. And the hardest part also is that no one seems to understand me because no one has the same with my experience losing partner. Things for them are just easy to say to get over with. And I feel like I just decided not to vent out with my friends because they will never understand. It is really a very tough times for me now. It's almost 2 months since his death but it feels like yesterday that it was so fresh in my memory and its killing me. I try to ignore my grief, focusing on other things but as the day ends, its much painful ignoring it. I pray God will always comfort me in this hardest part of my life because I;m feeling so lonely, so lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted April 21, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted April 21, 2020 That is my prayer for you too. We're all just trying to survive together, it seems these are the hardest of times to lose someone, but then there's never a good time to go through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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