I'm slowly Dying - How will I survive this?

[Brandon Gibson]

Hi Everyone,

My Dear Wife passed away 16 Days ago in Hospital. She was only 44 and we were together for 28 Years. Bekkie had a Colon Operation and never recovered. She was in Hospital for almost 3 Months. We have 2 Beautiful Kids. Charne, my Daughter is 17. Dorian my Son is 15. 

Bekkie was my entire Life. She gave me direction. She could read my Mind and we understood each other like no Couple I have ever seen before. She was my Universe. Her Death has torn me apart. I cannot believe this has happened. I Cry myself to Sleep - I Cry myself awake. It feels like a terrible Dream. Maybe I'll wake up in a while and she'll be standing there smiling at me. I do not know how I will ever survive this. The Pain and Heartache is excruciating. Maybe I can drive to the Hospital and when I walk in, she'll still be lying there.

I keep asking myself what more I could have done? Maybe another Doctor, maybe a different Hospital, maybe I should have kept her at Home and tried to heal her myself. The Questions are endless. The Pain is endless and the Tears never ever end. Did I love her enough, could I have given her a better Life, maybe I didn't give enough attention, maybe if she'd married someone else, she wouldn't have had these Problems and she'd still be alive. Maybe I didn't shout at the Doctor enough. Maybe I should have told him not to Operate because it was too Dangerous, maybe she didn't know how much I loved her - Maybe I wasn't a good Husband - maybe, maybe, maybe - the "Maybe's" are endless.

 I cannot see myself going on like this for the next 5, 10 or 20 Years. People always say "Don't worry, it gets better" - well when does it get better - Tomorrow, Next Year, or when I'm 70? I try to be strong for the Kids but at this stage they have to support me as I'm taking it a lot harder than them. I constantly hear "You have to be strong now - Your Children need you - It's what Bekkie would have wanted". Yes I know - I've heard it 1000 times but it never changes - The agony never goes away - I feel like exploding into a million pieces. My Body Shakes continuously - My Eyes Burn - and the sick feeling in my Stomach is always there

I've never been a suicidal Person but I can assure you that if the Kids weren't there - I would have been with my Beautiful Wife by now. I just don't see the point of going on the way I feel now. I look for answers everywhere - and the Pain and Emptiness goes on - and on - and on. It never ever Ends. Every Day is worse than the Day before. I'm not a highly Religious person - I'm not an Atheist either but I have so many questions. What is the point of it all - Why are we here? Then I am continually bombarded with statements like "God has his Reasons - You will see her again". Well what is God's reason - why did he let her suffer for 3 Months before he took her - Where is she now - When will I see her again? It's a never-ending Rollercoaster of agony. I try to console myself by saying "she isn't suffering anymore" - and to be honest, that's the one and only single reason I can see which makes me feel the smallest bit better - actually it doesn't - it doesn't make me feel better at all – It makes me feel even worse – because she’s not here anymore.

And in the meantime I live with it - everyday seeing her Pictures, hearing her Favourite Songs - and Crying - and Crying - and Crying. When I think the Crying is over - I find myself Crying again - It's a Nightmare and I am slowly Dying - I can't live this way - I don't want to live this way - I cannot bear this pain, this agony, this torture - How will I ever Survive this? To be honest – I don’t want to survive it.

 

[Left behind]

I'm so so sorry you are going through this! This is not a club that anyone ever wanted to be in. This site has helped me so much, and I just want you to know that you are not alone here.  I lost my soul mate and best friend on January 28th of this year. He was my universe and sole reason for wanting to get up and live life everyday. He made me so happy and I couldn't wait to see what our future held. We were suppose to get married this year and start our family. We just started a business together as well. The day he died I also died with him. I struggled to get out of bed, and honestly I just prayed every night that I would die in my sleep so I could be with him again. Some nights I dabbled hardcore with the thought of suicide, and honestly this site and my best friend are the only reason why I didn't.  No words can explain or describe the pain this type of loss generates. I screamed and yelled at the universe and God, because why would they bring such an amazing man into my life just so they could rip him away from me. I would trade my life for his in a heartbeat. He was my everything, and I still struggle thinking about a future without him. The first couple months I literally lived like a zombie, every minute was a struggle and my biggest fight was trying to make it till the next day. I had to have my best friend come and stay with me, because I couldn't deal with the emptiness of the house without him, but I also didn't want to leave the house because all our memories and all his things are still here. I didn't eat, or sleep, and I cried myself sick to the point I was severely dehydrated and it was causing problems with my kidneys.  I started seeing a therapist so I could try and figure out how the hell someone could survive this, because the pain was unbearable, and quite frankly I also did not want to survive it. It has gotten a little better, but mostly because I do everything I can to not think about anything that is future related, and I avoid everything we used to do or things we used to watch because it just doesn't feel right doing them with out him. I would just end up crying for hours because the thing I want most was taken from me. I would do anything to just be able to hold him again in my arms. I often would think of all the times we argued, and I would hate myself for it. I often ask myself if he knew how much I loved him. I told him all the time, but I hope he believed me, because he has my whole heart and still does. He is gone, but I am still madly in love with him and I miss him so much. I sleep with a pair of his dirty shorts everynight, and I left all his things the way he left them in the house, including some garbage he left by the couch.  I'm still trying to navigate this journey as well, but you are not alone!!! The people on this site have helped so much, because they have been through it and understand. I know my family and friends care, but they just can't relate to what I am going through. I didn't just lose my soul mate and best friend, but I lost our future together. I never planned to live a life without him, and those who still have their person with them, can never understand what that is like. I am here if you ever want to talk, and I come to this site when I'm really struggling, which is just about everyday. 

[chincube]

@Brandon Gibson I am so very sorry for your loss, I can feel the massive amount of pain and agony you have. I wish I have something to say that can make you feel better, but I really don't. However I know how you feel now that you don't know how you would ever survive this, and all the dark thoughts, I had those too.

Maybe it's not what you need to hear now with your pain so raw, but you were saying about can't see yourself going on like this in next 5, 10 years. Or when people say it'd get better, you wonder when, tomorrow, next year or when you're 70. Today is one year my boyfriend was gone, to be honest some days I still have those dark feelings. Sometimes I'd be transported right back to that day when I got the phone call, replaying the conversation I had with his best friend. Has it gotten better? I can't say for sure, I'm more inclined to say it didn't get better, I just get better at limping on a life with a huge hole. I learned that it's okay to have such feelings, and that they would just be there for very long time. But sometimes they're at the background, sometimes they embrace me and wouldn't leave. However this is just one year for me.

Hope you'd focus on taking care of yourself a day at a time for the time being, and if some family is offering to support or help do take it. I do not have the experience of having children at such time, I imagine it must be very difficult. Eat when you can, even if it's just a bit, remember to drink water, dehydration is real like Left behind said - you simply can forget you need to drink. I did too, and also got very sick because of that.

I hope you would come back again, it would not make your pain go away I know, but we'd be here when you struggle on walking a day by a day.

[KayC]

I am so so sorry...your relationship sounds like ours although you were together longer.  We understood, related to each other.  We were soulmates, best friends, lovers, everything.  We spent all our time together when not working.  How do you go on when your world just ended?  It's been almost 15 years for me, I didn't see how I could survive a week, yet here I am.  The pain eventually lessens its intensity but the loving and missing them continues.  No one can say when it lessens, too many variables, this journey is unique for each of us, just as our relationships and own personalities and coping skills are.

Most of us ask why in the early time...until we realize perhaps there is no "why", there were no resounding answers, the pat cliches do NOT help!  Don't TELL me God needed them!  I needed him!  You need her!  I hate the cliches.  People say them to make themselves feel better.  They say them because they have no true answer.  They say them because they haven't been through this and don't have a clue what it's like to go through it.  They say it because they think it's the thing to say.  I wish they'd shut up.  Sit with me, bring me a casserole, mow my lawn, but do not give me your stupid cliches!  They do more damage than good.  I don't care how well-intentioned you are, don't say it.

I'm glad you have your kids, mine were grown but my daughter came back home to be with me for a few months, I don't know what I'd have done w/o her.  My son was in the Air Force so only got a break.

We can feel glad for them that they aren't suffering anymore, glad they don't have to go through the hard places....all while being sad for ourselves that we're in pain and suffering alone.  All of our feelings are valid, even when in contrast with each other at the same time.  We go through pretty much every feeling, every thought, emotion.  And people here...they get it.  This is why I'm still here after all these years.  People on a forum like this one were here for me when I went through my loss, they listened, related, they were going through it too...it saved my life.  That and an administrator/grief counselor who I now count my friend whom I've learned so much from.  I want to be here for others deep in grief's throes.  It's the hardest thing I've ever traversed in my life.  And I recently went through it again with my dog companion, Arlie, and my 25 year old cat, Kitty.  I felt, "Can't I have ANYTHING?!"  I've learned loss is part of life's cycle, and the older I get the more prevalent it seems to be.  I have learned to coexist with grief.

I wrote this at about ten years out, of the things I've learned that have been helpful...hoping something in it helps you now, something on down the road.  One of the most important things that I found was taking one day at a time.  That and learning to live in the present.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[jwahlquist]

@Brandon Gibson I am sorry for your loss.  It sounds like your wife was very special and that you had a great relationship.   Like many others here, including you, I lost my best friend and love of my life.   My husband passed away unexpectedly due to complications from Influenza and strep 2 months ago.   We have been together for 23 years and married for 22.  We have an 11 year old daughter.  He was only 48 & I am only 42.  It is hard to think about being alone now as we had so many plans for our future.  I still have the “If only I would have” and “I should have” or “What could I have done”  that would have ended in a different outcome.   Unfortunately, none of those changes my reality.   He is still gone and no matter how much I beat myself up......he will still be gone.  Even realizing that,  I still have those thoughts but not as often as I did the first few weeks.  
 

Suicide crossed my mind too.  My daughter is the only thing that really kept me from that.   I did go to my doctor and got a prescription for antidepressant medication and some sleeping pills.   I wasn’t sleeping and I was struggling with even getting out of bed.   The medication has helped me feel less like I am on an emotional roller coaster but I still cry every day.   Just not every waking moment.  
 

I hate that people feel the need to say things like, “He is in a better place”, “It’s ok to feel sad but it is not ok to give up”, “You have to be strong for your daughter” and etc.   Honestly, I have heard all of those and they all pissed me off.   
 

The therapist my daughter sees and that I saw as well said that kids grieve differently than adult.  Additionally, everyone deals with grief differently.   There is no wrong or right way.  I know to me it often seems like my daughter isn’t grieving but I know she is.  Her way of coping at least before this whole Covid19 “stay home & stay healthy” was to go to school and spend a lot of her time outside of school with her friends.   She said it was her escape from all of her pain.  
 

I have started making it a point to do something nice for myself every day.  Whether it is taking a bath, taking a walk, playing with our dogs or eating my favorite ice cream.  Some days it just means allowing myself to sit on the couch and watch tv and not worrying about doing anything.  

[Whitepointer]

Brandon IAM so sorry for your lost man IAM replying to your comment because the way you are feeling is just how I feel. I lost my spouse of 10 in half years on March 28th, 2020 we have 2 little girls together and I never in my life thought this would happen to us, and I feel so guilty because I found him our bathroom and early I  the morning I thought he was snoring when really he could of gasping for air so IAM told. And him and I have had our issues with drugs which has been a promlem but no matter what we still loved each other we both were clean off herion for a month in a half I started going to the methadone program well I could tell that day he didn't feel good and he got into my methadone and drank the whole bottle of it so I believe he OD idk. But the way you were describing about your stomach being sick all of the maybes and everyone pisses you off because how they say she's in a better place no the only place there suppose to be is with us huh? I feel like ending my life because I don't want to go on with life without him in it. I can't look at his picture I can't listen to music, it's hard to even talk about him. This grieving **** is way to much for one person to deal with all I can is IAM sorry IAM sorry and I feel like IAM in a bad dream but it's not it's a miserable life that IAM enduring right now. Idk man if you need someone to talk to about the feelings you feel and you wanna talk message me maybe we can get threw this sharing our anger or our messaged up feels bgs with each other I can't do anything because of this cornovirus stuff we are on lock down so I can't get into counseling or get help like that so I decided to try this online chat room. My name is kasey maybe we can help each other IAM willing to try anything to help me stay strong for my girls have a good night

[Missy1]

@Whitepointer and @Brandon Gibson I am sorry for your loss, I lost my husband on 1/29/20, I am dead inside. He loved me so much and was my world. We were married 26 yrs, he was my heart and soul. I am sick inside, my chest hurts, my soul is bleeding. I am destroyed, I live day to day, not happy, stuck! 
There are many of us with unspeakable pain, marching on this dark, unfamiliar road. The only thing I know is that I am not alone, neither are you! Keep coming here, vent, rant, cry, we are here in the same boat! Read some threads, start new ones, this is a good place no one judges, we understand!

[Brandon Gibson]

Hi Everyone.

Now a little more than 3 Weeks since my Wife left us. Today is probably the first Day I have been able to open my Eyes without the Tears - or that Sick feeling in my Stomach. I must admit that my emotional feelings have also turned physical. I have the shakes constantly - and this morning I found myself throwing up out of sheer Nervous Tension and Stress. I have been told that a Broken Heart can affect you physically too - and so it's a constant fight, against all sorts of things. I walked past her Portrait in the Passage and stood looking at it. I could feel the emotions Creeping up on me again like a Virus, so I just turned and walked away. I know that this numb, emotionless feeling I have, is only temporary and that the true emotions will soon hit me like a Brick again. Last Night I woke up to the sound of Glass or Porcelain. For an instant I thought I had woken up from this Nightmare and that my Wife was moving a Coffee Cup on her Bedside Cupboard again. I soon realized that it was the Cat playing with some inept object he had discovered under the Bed. Actually sounds quite Comical - doesn't it..... and yes, for a split second it was quite eerie, but within seconds, reality hits you again right in the Gut.  I've been speaking to so many People, and as you all know - you get tons of sympathy, support and advice - and I greatly appreciate it - but it's all things you've heard before. So you nod your head, graciously agree - and move on - even though you're thinking "I really don't want to hear this right now". I still find it unbelievable that my Beautiful Wife is gone, and I realize there's still a long and very hard journey ahead - but I take it as it comes. I can't play a song, look at a Photo or go anywhere without thinking about her - so it's still constantly burning in my Head. I start thinking about the afterlife - where could she be - is she sitting on a Cloud somewhere - floating in space - moving around in the House? I constantly find myself talking to her - it's crazy - and I think I keep doing it out of utter fear that her Memory will be lost - or disappear if I don't talk to her - and that's something I will never allow. I have even been told "You can be very grateful that she went first, because if you had gone first, she would have been in pure Hell and probably have killed herself". Isn't it crazy to think that we even think that Far - that other People even think that far? My Wife was completely Family orientated - 100% - Her Life was totally based around her Family - All she ever wanted was to be around me and the Children. She would refuse a Night out to be with us all - She did not have any Friends whatsoever - which might sound strange, but that was her choice, as she was happy being with me and the Children........ and I would always hear her funny little expressions like "Hey Baby, what you say"? - or "Hey Baby, I love you long time" !!. To think I won't hear her say those words again. I constantly say them - so I won't forget them. I appreciate the tremendous amount of support and special messages I have received - and I treasure them dearly. I think the one thing this Website has made be realize, is how many People are out there and feel exactly the same as I do - if not worse. I have met People who have lost Spouses and re-married again after a Year - Is that not absolutely Crazy? I cannot understand that for one second. What sort of People are they - what sort of relationship did they have with their Spouse, that they were able to move on so fast? It just goes to show how different people handle different situations in different ways. We are currently on a 3 week Lock-down, which came at the worst time possible. I'm stuck in this House with all the Memories and Reminders - and that hasn't been helpful at all - in the meantime I'll fight the Battle, Cry the Tears, and endure the Heartache.
Thanks so much to everyone.
 

[jwahlquist]

3 hours ago, Brandon Gibson said:

What sort of People are they - what sort of relationship did they have with their Spouse, that they were able to move on so fast?

This is hard to understand when you have a great relationship and lose your spouse.   But I remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I was and had a great relationship with their spouse.   Additionally, I think some people may rush into another relationship because they don’t like being alone.  I hate being alone but couldn’t imagine ever feeling open to being married or loving someone else at this point.  

[KayC]

Kasey,

I am sorry for your loss as well, that is very fresh.  Do you have a family member who could stay with you and the girls for a while so you are not alone?  There should be a grief counselor who would do telephone visits while this is going on.  

[foreverhis]

On 4/7/2020 at 6:13 AM, Brandon Gibson said:

.What sort of People are they - what sort of relationship did they have with their Spouse, that they were able to move on so fast? It just goes to show how different people handle different situations in different ways.

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you find yourself here with us.  It may not seem like it now, but over time coming here to talk, rant, and ask for help will, in fact, help.  This forum almost literally saved my life when I was floundering around lost, hopeless, and not convinced that I shouldn't just "do something" to join my husband.  Some days the only concrete thing I could hold onto was knowing that our girls need me.  Our daughter, who lost just about the best dad ever, deserves to have her mom with her a while longer and our wonderful granddaughter, who adored her grandpa as he adored her, needs me to keep telling her his stories as she finishes growing up.  I am the keeper of our memories and lives now.

As you've already figured out, in many ways we are the lucky ones.  We found that one person who truly did complete us.  That one person who we know is our soul mate, the imperfect person who was perfect for us.  Not even death can break that rare and precious bond.  No matter what anyone says, do not think about "moving on" or "letting go" or anything like that because that's not how it works for us.  People, even well intentioned ones, cannot understand our grief.  Sometimes we become an uncomfortable reminder that "this could happen to you."  Sometimes they want us to get back to "normal" for their sakes as much as ours, not grasping that we have been forever changed and there is no going back to who we were before.

There is no time line for this painful journey, but I can tell you that time does help.  I now have bits of light and hope that I didn't have a year ago.  But I will never be the same, my heart will never completely mend, and I understand that moving forward while carrying my grief is not the same as moving on.  Still, my grief is not as overwhelming as it was and my pain is not as raw and oppressive.

My husband's sister, who absolutely adored her brother and who has always been close to us, told me once that she envies what her brother and I had.  She said watching us together for more than 3 decades made her realize that, while she loves her husband, they do not have the same bond.  She understands that the deeper the bond, the deeper the pain of our loss.  And she admitted that she can't truly grasp what life is like for me now.

Please keep coming here because you have found a community of people who are walking the same unexpected and unwelcome path.  We don't grieve exactly the same way because each person's journey is unique.  But we are all here, together. 

[Jim1976]

Brandon , I’m really sorry for your loss my wife took her own life 3 weeks ago and I’ve been speaking to people ,researching everything but your feelings and what your going through are exactly how I’m feeling right now, the guilt the pain the gut wrenching feeling .When you see people who have lost loved ones in the past now I know what they felt and it’s so cruel and unbearable I kept using the word horrific because that’s how bad it is , also I have reacted worse than everyone even my kids they are so much stronger than me , why ? I keep asking that question but like me you were the nearest to this person and it’s so so hard , I like you can’t see a future it’s dark and foggy at the moment and meeting someone else makes me feel sick when people say it all I want is my wife back no one can replace her ever .what I’m trying to say is mate that we are in a crap situation we didn’t think we’d ever be in but your no alone ok I cry all the time can’t look at pictures same as you it’s good to talk to people who are going through it please when your down or need a chat or feel scared or lonely please text I’m not an expert but I feel your pain .

all the best - Jim 

 

[KayC]

Jim, you're a good person.  You're in the worst spot of your life and you're thinking of others.  You don't know how your kids can hold it together and you're not able to?  Because this was YOUR PERSON you lost!  You have been holding it together for a long time, taking care of her, the kids, the house, working, doing everything.  Is it any wonder if you feel like screaming or crawling into a fetal position?!

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, Jim1976 said:

I have reacted worse than everyone even my kids they are so much stronger than me , why ?

I felt this way too.  My daughter seems largely unfazed most of the time.   I finally asked the therapist.  She said that kids grieve differently than adults.   She said most kids she sees that suffer a loss of someone often don’t show outward signs like adults do.   I have broken down and asked my daughter if she even cared and that was one of the few times I have seen her cry aside from at the hospital & her dad’s memorial service.  So your kids may just be hiding it inside like my daughter does.  

[Jim1976]

Makes sense I’m going to get him some help when he goes back to school just to make sure as the boys are my priority I’m going to give them a future in life my wife’s death is so raw and I have no energy and we will no doubt have ups and downs but I’ve got to remember they have lost there mum 

[Brandon Gibson]

Tomorrow will be a Month since she left us. This isn't happening. It can't possibly be happening. I'm torn apart. For a while I thought I'd be OK - but 3 Days ago I just lost it. My Heart is absolutely burning with the Heartache. I can't look at a Photo of her without losing it. People say "Take it one Day at a Time" - well I can't - I can't do it - I can't even take it one Minute at a time. I look for the reasoning in everything that has happened - and to a point I almost start seeing the Positives - but in the end it doesn't help at all - How could there be any positives in losing someone you love so much? I want to die - I honestly do - I'm here because I have 2 young Kids - and that is the only reason I bare this torture. How will I ever survive another Week without her - another Month - another Year - Where is God - Why does he allow this? How can he say he Loves us if he lets us suffer this way? I just can't handle it. I want to dissolve - just to get rid of this Grief - "But Daddy puts up a good Show - You even see him Smiling at Times - Nobody sees him Crying alone in the Bedroom - or behind closed Doors in the Bathroom - or in the Car while Driving - Nobody sees him just staring at the TV for Hours without switching it on - Nobody sees him reaching out to her side of the Bed, hoping she'll still be there - Nobody sees him open her Cupboards to smell her Clothes - Nobody sees him looking at her Shampoo, knowing that she once had that Bottle in her Hands - Nobody sees him looking at the single drop of Blood that still stains her watch while they put the Drip into her arm" - and so I can go on for Hours" - I'm so Torn up Inside - I wonder if anyone out there will ever know or understand it.. 

[Jim1976]

Brandon,I’m with u your not on your own I promise, my wife’s funeral is tomorrow I’m devastated cry like u every day and I agree if my kids weren’t here I would want to be with her as well, Life seems cruel and everything seems so hard I’m jealous when I see happy couples or people laughing ,But we have to be strong I’m in the same boat as you I’m not a person who doesn’t know how your feeling I’m scared like u I feel the pain like u and we have to lean on each other , it’s hard to think there is a god why did he do this why is he leaving me in pain but don’t even think about that for now just love your kids and watch them grow ok your never alone and apparently the clouds lift and the pain eases that’s what I pray, we can smile sometimes I haven’t yet but we can ,we have one life ,every day believe it or not we get stronger you just don’t feel it ok , I’m with how u feel 100% and I am having **** times too the waves of grief are soul destroying, please cry if u want to I do nothing wrong with that ok 

 

[foreverhis]

On 4/5/2020 at 10:32 PM, Brandon Gibson said:

People always say "Don't worry, it gets better" - well when does it get better - Tomorrow, Next Year, or when I'm 70?

These platitudes drive my crazy!  People who say them have no clue at all what it is like.  Sometimes they want to make us feel better, but don't really know how.  Other times, it's because our grief makes them face the uncomfortable reality that "This could happen to me."  I have developed a few comebacks that get my feelings across without being a complete...you know what.  You can try to ignore the hurtful remarks or you can let people know just how hurtful and unhelpful they are.  I tried ignoring them, but it's not in my nature to just "let it go" in the long run

Your grief is so raw and new that it's no wonder you are feeling physically ill as well.  It is so encompassing that it affects every cell in our bodies and minds. What you are feeling and how you are reacting is, unfortunately, typical (I'll not say normal because nothing is normal now).  Sometimes I look back and wonder how I even survived those first weeks.  There were days I was positive I could not go on.  And I'd be lying if I said I never thought about the possibility of just ending it all and joining my husband.  Of course I did.  We who love so deeply cannot imagine a world without our soul mates in it.  As the rest of the world spins on and the people in our lives go on with theirs, we are left wondering how we can carry on alone.

My first several months after seemed like hell on earth.  When I found this forum and all the wonderful people here, I realized I could talk to people who truly, deep down in their souls, "got it" in ways no one in my life can.  Not even the one family member who lost her husband more than 4 years ago could because, while she loved her husband, they didn't have the cell-deep bond my love and I did.

When I'd read members talk about things getting easier bit by bit over time, I'd think, "How?  When?" and then realized there are no set answers.  It's different for each of us.  When KayC and others would mention that those changes seem to happen so slowly as to not even be noticeable until later, I'd think, "Yeah, sure.  Uh-huh." (insert sarcastic inner voice). 

Here's my truth:  I can't say when or even how my grief started to soften or how I started to learn to pick it up and carry it with me as part of my life, rather than all of it.  But 20 months later, I can think about my husband with a smile as well as a tear.  I can talk about him often without completely breaking down every time.  I can even have times where I smile and laugh and know that it's okay to do that.  I have a long way to go on this painful and unwelcome journey, but I have made small steps forward.  I am not moving on because we don't.  My husband will be with me always as I slowly move forward carrying my grief.

I will miss my soul mate every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  That's a given.  I will probably cry at some point every day for the rest of my life as well.  How could I not?  I talk to my husband every day and likely always will.  Half of my life was taken away, shattering my heart and leaving me without my strong, silly, smart, stubborn, loving husband.  My imperfect man who was perfect for me.  So when I feel weak, I now understand that it is because the one person I could count on and turn to for support is the one who is gone.  No one can be strong all the time, even if they still have their soul mate with them.  We and others should not expect us to be the way we were before.  We will never be the same, no matter how much time passes, but we can slowly find a way to live a different life. 

Especially now with this enforced isolation, my journey seems like "two steps forward, one step back" on a road that twists and turns.  I was a virtual hermit for months because there were only a handful of people I could bear to be around at all.  I know that all the tragedy happening in the world and locally has set me back.  I can only imagine how much harder it is for you and other new members who are navigating those first almost impossible days, weeks, and months.  I come here every day because I know the caring members are walking this painful road with me.  I urge you to do the same.  We are by your side to listen, to comfort, to help if we can.

 

[Brandon Gibson]

Another Day, another Week. It's now been 5 weeks. Today I walked into a Shop we used to visit together. I just lost it. I had to stop and hide the Tears. The excruciating pain in my Stomach was suffocating. I can't believe that I'm going through this. How - why - when will it end? Sometimes I think I'm just weak, but the Pain is unbearable. Tonight I broke down in front of my Daughter. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I told her how sorry I was that I couldn't save her Mom - How sorry I was that I didn't do more. Like a Fairy Godmother, she just put her arms around me and held me tightly for what seemed like forever. She's only 17 but like a wise and loving Matriarch, she just said, "Daddy, the saddest part is that however many Tears we cry, and Questions we have - we can never bring her back" - and to me that's Heartbreaking. This.is not the Life I imagined - or that anyone deserves. From the age of 15, I grew up without a Mother, and it Kills me to think my Children are now in exactly the same position.

[Missy1]

I think God comforts the children they seem to be a little more resilient or maybe is that they grieve differently. It’s very difficult for me as well to go into a store a special shop somewhere we used to go in and shop I get a full-blown anxiety attack or I’ll just start crying. I wear sunglasses most of the time because I just don’t know when it’s going to hit. 

Your quote: “From the age of 15, I grew up without a Mother, and it Kills me to think my Children are now in exactly the same position.“ this is heart breaking. I think you felt the loss your Mother all over again, compounds the grief. 
You are NOT weak, you loved her and it’s unbearable to lose someone you love so dearly. Sadly none of us imagine this life...

Sometimes when I’m at my worst I feel like it would’ve been so much harder for him to lose me, in other words if we can’t go together I’ll take the pain of staying here without him, rather than inflicting this suffering on him. I don’t understand why either...too soon and tragic to leave your family behind. I know they are watching over us.
 

[jwahlquist]

7 hours ago, Brandon Gibson said:

This.is not the Life I imagined - or that anyone deserves.

I don’t think this is the life any of us imagined.  I know that I certainly didn’t expect to be a single parent.  My daughter didn’t expect to lose her dad at 11.  We don’t deserve the pain and heartache of losing our pillar of strength and our “home”.  I hate that all of our dreams have died with him.   
 

I think the best suggestion the therapist my daughter and I see made was for my daughter and I to be honest about our feelings.   We journal back and forth which has helped a lot actually.  
The therapist also suggested  that I needed to be able to cry infront of my daughter because it shows her it is ok to express the emotions she has inside.  I tried to hold it in and “be strong” but it was exhausting and hard to manage 24/7. Now I am not trying to be strong and ok all of the time it has been a relief.  She also tends to be more open with how she is feeling which is not usual for her.  

[KayC]

Brandon, I don't think you could be expected to save her if all the doctors couldn't.  We FEEL that we should but that's not a power that is ours.  

I am glad you have such a loving daughter.

3 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Now I am not trying to be strong and ok all of the time it has been a relief.

This.

[peach_2003]

Brandon I know how you are feeling right now My passed away 3 weeks ago and my heart is broken into so many pieces. I can't go the toy section at Walmart because he loved the toy section. I sit in my apartment all alone with the cat  we never had children so it is very lonely to be by myself. Matthew was only 37 when he passed away. I cry myself to sleep every night and I cry myself awake every morning. I can't sleep in our bed because its just too painful and I get about 2 hours of sleep a night. I really don't know how I will survive without him. He was my whole world and I miss him so much. He was my best friend and soul mate