Grieving Alone

[Aliii]

Eighty-five days ago I lost my father suddenly. 

Eighty-seven days ago my father smiled at me telling me how great he feels, with a giant grin on his face. Nothing makes sense.

I lost my father to a rare infectious disease. He saw a doctor for leg pain, which the doctor diagnosed as sciatica. Twenty hours later he was gone. 

My father and I were exceptionally closed. I went to him for everything - wisdom, advice (personal & professional) and laughs. My dad called me multiple times a day (6-7 times) - sometimes he had a reason, but often no reason at all. I loved when my dad called. He always made me feel better and always made me laugh.

We worked together, running a small business. I was not able to take much time off work because of this. I have put so much pressure on myself to succeed and I have an immense fear of letting my father down on the business he built himself. 

I struggle with what is worse - what the shock of happened or the ache of what never will. I grieve for what my dad is missing. He had such much life left to live. He had business ideas, trips planned, family to spend time with, etc. I struggle so much knowing he is gone. The sentence "I miss him so much" does not seem big enough. My heart is broken, it physically hurts.

Grieving during the pandemic has generated additional challenges. I have been with my mom for five weeks straight, supporting her - without being able to see my other siblings. I married my husband five months ago, and due to his job and the social isolation, I have not be able to see him.

I feel as though I am suffering from PTSD from watching my dad pass. The word / sights of ventilators and PPE create a physical response in me (nausea, shortness of breath) and I feel like I am right back in the ICU with my dad before he passed. These images & words are everywhere - news, social media, etc. I feel I cannot relate to any of my friends as they are at home complaining about the lack of reality shows on Netflix or sending memes. I have never felt more alone. 

I feel like I have lost my personality. I cannot be kind, I do not laugh. I am simply a shell - just existing. 

I am desperate for time to pass quickly - for this horrible emptiness & anguish to lift - even the tiniest bit. At the same time, I do not want time to pass as I am terrified of forgetting my dad's laugh, his voice, his hugs, his mannerisms. I hate as more time pass, I am further away of last seeing my father. 

How are people coping with grieve during this pandemic and social isolation? My "band-aid" fixes, that brought me some comfort for 30 minutes during the day (i.e. a coffee with my husband, a walk with a friend) have been completely taken away and I am so lost.

[Maddeleine]

Hei, Aliii!

First of all sorry for your loss. Thinking of you on this difficult time. I don't have right recipe how to survive this time, just go day by day and accept that it will get better after time. This isolation also doesn't help much . I have lost my father 2 weeks ago, living in another country and couldn't attend father's funeral because of quarantine and cancelled flights. I can assure you nothing will change that fact at he was your father, he would be proud of you going further and don't losing your spirit . That is what I'm saying every day to myself. Allow yourself to be sad but don't lose sight of future  sending hugs! 

[Shannon4]

I get it. I lost my mom a month ago and haven't been able to have a celebration of life. I can't do anything with some stuff in her house like a yard sale because of this pandemic. It's a total nightmare. I also have PTSD from everything. I knew I did right by my mother and left nothing unsaid but it's everything else. Doing it all alone. I've had two of her friends cry hysterically and I'm the one consoling them. REALLY? I went on a distructive path for close to a month. Only way I knew how to deal with it all. You have to remind yourself "what would my father want". There's no right or wrong way to grieve just make sure you do. I didn't or can't. IDK. You are not alone.

[reader]

Dear Aliii,

I'm sorry for your loss. It is a terrible time. And it is only natural to be raw and grief stricken for your beloved dad. There is no fixed timeline for grief. Be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible. We are all so different so don't beat yourself up. Take each day as it comes. Even simple things like writing, reading, painting, going for a walk or talking with a trusted friend or relative can help. 

Please know we are with you.