my mom is terminally ill

[Brittany]

my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer 4 months ago. i never thought i was going to have to watch my mom be so sick and in pain all the time:'( its the hardest thing to watch her and not be able to do a thing to take her pain away:'( i have alot of friends i can talk to but none of them know what im going through so i was hoping i could find someone on here i can talk to who is more understanding of what im going through.

[JulieSiri]

my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer 4 months ago. i never thought i was going to have to watch my mom be so sick and in pain all the time:'( its the hardest thing to watch her and not be able to do a thing to take her pain away:'( i have alot of friends i can talk to but none of them know what im going through so i was hoping i could find someone on here i can talk to who is more understanding of what im going through.

Hi Brittany,

Your situation is a difficult one to watch and be a part of. I am wondering if your mother has considered hospice. They are experts at pain control. If not, a conversation with her doctor about pain relief is important. All pain can be addressed with the proper routine. There are also other components of pain that are beyond physical. She may be experiencing psychological pain and spiritual pain. Those are the things you can have an active part in helping out with. Keep the environment calm, keep things normal in her surroundings, play her favorite music, movies, etc. Provide favorite foods and drinks. Shift the focus to the things she can do and still have control over. Include massages. Foot rubs are great with oil and lavender for calming and bringing on sleep. Having pain includes a great deal of anxiety because we dont know how to stop it or control it. You can reduce the anxiety part and thereby reduce the level of pain. By participating with your mother and getting involved with the caregiving you will also feel more in control and it will help with your healing process. One of the most intimate things we can do is to be with someone as they move through the journey of terminal illness. Keep sharing, that helps also.

My thoughts,

Julie Siri

[Brittany]

thankyou juie it means alot. and i really wish i could do those things for her but i cant... a few weeks ago my moms husband kicked me out because we got into an argument and i was defending her:'( there is just so much messed up things happening in my life and i feel like i cant handle any more. everytime i even start to feel better about something another bad thing has to happen:(

[ModKonnie]

thankyou juie it means alot. and i really wish i could do those things for her but i cant... a few weeks ago my moms husband kicked me out because we got into an argument and i was defending her:'( there is just so much messed up things happening in my life and i feel like i cant handle any more. everytime i even start to feel better about something another bad thing has to happen:(

Hi Brittany,

Are you able to contact your mother at all? Is this a situation in which your mother is being abused on top of trying to deal with an illness? A social worker at your nearest family-social services office may be able to offer you some advice for getting your mother situated in a care facility. Medicaid is available for people in her situation. Also, if you can get her out of the house and to the hospital, they may be able to help you from there. The police department may even be able to help.

Have you tried to talk to your mother's husband and tell him you'd like to come back to take care of your mother? Who is taking care of her right now? Is he?

We care about you, so don't give up.

ModKonnie

[Brittany]

yes i am able to contact my mom i text her all the time and talk to her on the phone. she is not being physically abused it was a verbal thing when i stood up for her. my stepfather is the kind of man who wants control and he has it... there is no point in me calling the cops or doing anything because my mom wont let it change anything. after i got kicked out she left him for a few weeks. this has happened one time before my mom even got sick we stayed gone for 2 months last time.this time she went back to him after 2 weeks even tho she knew i wouldnt go back home because i just cant handle her husband anymore. me and my siblings all tried talking to her and told her we would help her with her illness and that we all didnt want her to be alone with him but she decided she wanted to be with him... no i have not talked to her husband about coming back because there is no way i can live with that man ever again i have so many terrible memories of them fighting and all the things he has said to my mom and me alot of it is just unforgivable. i just moved in with my grandparents only a town away to get a job so i can start college in the spring. but before i left my mom had me come over to visit. i thought when i got there that it was just going to be me an my mom having quality time before i left but i was supprised when her and her husband ambushed me with all this crap about how i have to forgive him. i had talked to my mom a few days befor and told her that the only way i can try to forgive him and move on is if he gave me a sincere apology and ment it because for as long as i have known the man he has never apologized for anything he has done he always puts the blame on someone else. so when i was at the house i tried talking about how i was feeling and he jus stared getting upset and raising his voice at me and the whole time i was just crying trying to fight off my anxiety.. i just dont see how a man can get upset and be yelling when all i was trying to do was work things out. and the "sincere apology" he gave me was "im sorry i had a bad day." and ontop of all that he even said i owed him an apology and that i wouldnt be allowed in his house untill i do an that my mom will back him on that. all i could do was look at my mom with tears in my eyes and ask what i had to be sorry for an i could tell by the look in her eye that she knew i was right but couldnt do anything about it so i swallowed my pride and say sorry to the man. i have just decided that if she is going to choose him that i have to pretend everything is ok if i want to see her. this is the hardest thing for me to do and if my mom wasnt ill it would be alot different but i dont know how much time i have with her and i want every second i can with her and if that means doing something i dont want to im fine with that. i am very disappointed in my older siblings because they dont come around and i feel like i am dealing with all this alone and it shouldnt be that way. and yes her husband is the one caring for her and he does a good job with the medical aspect of her illness... thankyou so much and i wont give up, i cant

[ModKonnie]

yes i am able to contact my mom i text her all the time and talk to her on the phone. she is not being physically abused it was a verbal thing when i stood up for her. my stepfather is the kind of man who wants control and he has it... there is no point in me calling the cops or doing anything because my mom wont let it change anything. after i got kicked out she left him for a few weeks. this has happened one time before my mom even got sick we stayed gone for 2 months last time.this time she went back to him after 2 weeks even tho she knew i wouldnt go back home because i just cant handle her husband anymore. me and my siblings all tried talking to her and told her we would help her with her illness and that we all didnt want her to be alone with him but she decided she wanted to be with him... no i have not talked to her husband about coming back because there is no way i can live with that man ever again i have so many terrible memories of them fighting and all the things he has said to my mom and me alot of it is just unforgivable. i just moved in with my grandparents only a town away to get a job so i can start college in the spring. but before i left my mom had me come over to visit. i thought when i got there that it was just going to be me an my mom having quality time before i left but i was supprised when her and her husband ambushed me with all this crap about how i have to forgive him. i had talked to my mom a few days befor and told her that the only way i can try to forgive him and move on is if he gave me a sincere apology and ment it because for as long as i have known the man he has never apologized for anything he has done he always puts the blame on someone else. so when i was at the house i tried talking about how i was feeling and he jus stared getting upset and raising his voice at me and the whole time i was just crying trying to fight off my anxiety.. i just dont see how a man can get upset and be yelling when all i was trying to do was work things out. and the "sincere apology" he gave me was "im sorry i had a bad day." and ontop of all that he even said i owed him an apology and that i wouldnt be allowed in his house untill i do an that my mom will back him on that. all i could do was look at my mom with tears in my eyes and ask what i had to be sorry for an i could tell by the look in her eye that she knew i was right but couldnt do anything about it so i swallowed my pride and say sorry to the man. i have just decided that if she is going to choose him that i have to pretend everything is ok if i want to see her. this is the hardest thing for me to do and if my mom wasnt ill it would be alot different but i dont know how much time i have with her and i want every second i can with her and if that means doing something i dont want to im fine with that. i am very disappointed in my older siblings because they dont come around and i feel like i am dealing with all this alone and it shouldnt be that way. and yes her husband is the one caring for her and he does a good job with the medical aspect of her illness... thankyou so much and i wont give up, i cant

I am glad your mother is getting good medical care from her husband. It's terrible how he treats you, but you are doing the right thing in continuing to contact your mother. You were brave and courageous and humble when you took the higher ground and apologized for doing nothing wrong.

I am glad you are trying to spend time with her and have a good relationship. Just keep trying and be sure to tell your mother you love her. I am sure if she wasn't ill things would be different, but she probably is confused, scared and thinks she is doing the right thing by placing the burden on her husband for her care instead of you.

ModKonnie

[Brittany]

I am glad your mother is getting good medical care from her husband. It's terrible how he treats you, but you are doing the right thing in continuing to contact your mother. You were brave and courageous and humble when you took the higher ground and apologized for doing nothing wrong.

I am glad you are trying to spend time with her and have a good relationship. Just keep trying and be sure to tell your mother you love her. I am sure if she wasn't ill things would be different, but she probably is confused, scared and thinks she is doing the right thing by placing the burden on her husband for her care instead of you.

ModKonnie

yes i am glad too. i went and seen her yesterday and that was nice to be with her. my brither and sister went too. i will continue to let her know how much i love her. thankyou:)