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I lost my baby to drugs...


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I recently found this website and was suprised at how many people seem to share the same grief as me.

My fiance Craig and I were together for three and a half years. Our whole relationship was plagued with his drug abuse. At first I did not realize how bad off he was, he was really good at hiding it. As time went by it manifested and when I saw his disease progressing I went to his father and begged for help with him.( I, at that time, was not allowed by his choice to know his parents so it was a really brave move to ask for the help.)

I got no support from his family and was on my own with him for the next two years desperately trying to hold everything together.

On April 7th of this year he overdosed in a hotel room while I was out of town. He was found face down outside his room with no pulse and had to have an adrenaline shot put straight into his heart. I could not be reached so the hospital contacted his parents. His father went to the hospital and finally realized how bad off his son was. It was at this point that his parents told me I had their full support behind me but unfortunately it was too late.

He was extremely addicted to cocaine and prescription medication and in June of this year he started to abuse crack. I put him into inpatient rehab at the end of May and he walk out a week later. I took him to sign up for outpatient rehab and he never went. I would put him in the car and take him every night to NA. I had to take a job at night because our finances by now were and still are extremely bad off and I thought he was going to NA on his own every night only to find out that he wasn't. Unless I sat on him all the time, he was off doing drugs. I would get breaks sometimes on weekends and his father would take him out for the day but that was it.

The final breaking point came for me on July 29th. We had just come home and he went into the bathroom and locked the door. When he didn't come out after a long time I knocked on the door asking him to open it, of course he wouldn't. I could smell the crack - I knew what he was doing. I unlocked the door and saw everything on the counter and I knew that it was all over. He turned on me immediately something that he had never done before. He physically fought with me in the bathroom and threw me out. I begged with him to come out so that we could talk - anything to get him to stop smoking that crap - but he wouldn't. I had to call the police that day on my baby, something I thought I would never have to do. He was no longer my Craig. Over the weeks proceeding this he had become so pale and thin and was always sweating and couldn't sleep and was becoming aggressive. I knew he was on something I just never in my wildest dreams expected crack.

On August 8th I made the painful decision to leave. I knew he was going to die and I told him this but he didn't care. I knew I could not handle being the one who found his body. I called his father and he came and got him and took him to his home and I moved 120 miles away to my mothers and broke contact with him. Two weeks after I left I kept having a nagging feeling that I should go see him. I kept thinking god forbid something should happen to either one of you and you would never forgive yourself. So very much on guard I did. We spent a couple hours together on August 29th. He was telling me about his rehab his father was sending him to in California and how he didn't want to go but he knew he had to because if he didn't his father was going to throw him out. I asked him if he was clean and he said yes. He looked a little better from the last time I saw him but was extremely depressed. I went home that day and kept in contact with him every day by phone and everything seemed to really being going well. He had a court hearing on Sept. 12th and was waiting for that so he could leave the state for rehab. I spoke with him Sept. 6th and he asked me to come home the following week so that we could get married. He wanted to know that were married before he left. I agreed, still gun shy but agreed. He was so happy he kept telling me how much he loved me and that he couldn't wait until I was his wife. I told him I would call him on Monday and let him know what day I would be there. He told me again that he loved me and we hung up. His father called me the following day and told me he found him dead on his bedroom floor. Today, finally after three months, I found out that he died of an overdose. Originally it was believed to be a seizure and for me, that would have been easier to handle.

My baby was such a beautiful person. I miss him so much. He had so much love around him and yet he used to tell me he had nothing. I tried so hard to show him the beauty in his life and he didn't want to see it. Every day is a struggle to pick up the pieces of my shattered life but somehow I am doing it.

I have received so much criticism  from family and friends when he was alive and even now in his death. Horrible comments are constantly being made about how he was nothing but a worthless drug addict and how he was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.

To me he was not a drug addict, he was some one's son, brother, uncle, and most of all my baby! He still is my first thought when I wake and my last when I go to sleep. He is still with me almost every night in my dreams.

I miss his beautiful smile and his easy going personality. He loved the simple things and yet he was such high maintenance and I loved him for that! I loved taking care of my baby! Nothing gave me greater pleasure! I saw the beauty in him underneath all the layers of damage and that is why I stayed to the end. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone. There wasn't anything that I would not and did not do for him. I keep thinking of all the could of, should of, would of's but nothing changes the end result. I could live a thousand years and none of this will ever make sense to me! Sadly enough my baby had just turned 35 on Sept. 5th.

I know this will take years of healing. For now I take it one day at a time and try not to overwhelm myself.

Not too long ago I made him promise that he wouldn't leave this earth before me because I told him I wouldn't know how to live without him, he promised me he wouldn't.

The one thing I learned from all of this is you can't make someone do something they don't want to do and ironically, he told me that a month before he died. .

The only peace that I have now is I know that he is finally at peace. All the insanity that he fought with everyday is now gone for him. My baby is finally free.

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Deannam - I can understand your feelings. My husband to was addicted to Meth, crack ands coke. And had been battling drug addiction our whole relationship. We were together for 18years and seperated three times. The last time I had had it, and filed for divorce. but for some reason could never fully walk away. He went into the hospital several time after he went thru rehab. Problem was he started using again. He went in the hospital the last time on May 17, 07 and I spent everyday with him. Then on Sat night (19th) I went to leave cuz the kids were home. And he begged me not to leave yet so I layed down beside him and talked a few minutes then boom he was gone just like that. I knew it but didnt want to belive it. At one point when the Doctors were doing CPR I was torn I wanted him to come back but I could tell when he passed that his brain went first so then I got scared that what if they got him back and he was a veg. I couldnt handle having to pull the plug. It was very hard. I still get pissed at him cuz the doc's told him if he didnt stop he would go soon. Then I miss and love him so much too. I look at our kids and it crushes me that they will grow up with out a dad. It is very hard. sorry Im rambling everything all together but Im getting ready to leave for ten days, will try to get on while Im gone. But hearing someone else who had a spouse with drug problems makes it so much easier for me cuz people (including family) can judge everything.

I wish you the best and if you ever want to email me direct you can. aasdisidro@hotmail.com.

Take care of you,


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