I need support

[skinnymouse]

My mom passed 21 days ago.She had liver cancer. She was only 64. I am being ignored by my family...sisters. I went to see a priest, I went to see a pastor, I went to a bereavement group...I do not feel like myself. When I look in the mirror I do not even look like me. First week after she passed I never ate. 2nd week I couldn't stop eating. Now I just eat when I see food, otherwise I do not eat at all.I am not sleeping much, & when I have slept it has been bad dreams & broken up, not blocks of sleep.I do not know my father. Neither of my son's have cried... yet. My daughter was not as close, or affected, since my mom moved away to Florida when she was only 5.I lost my grandma 27 years ago, & this is so very much worse. I have known this person, my mother, longer than anyone else in my life. She was my closest & best friend. I do not see how I will be able to ever feel better than this, since she cannot come back. I keep praying for a sign that she is ok, or that she is somehow with me. I haven't gotten one ...yet. I know I am not writing with a good flow, but I cannot think or I will be crying my eyes out again, so I am just tryng to write out the facts so someone might respond...thanks.

[SadRN]

I completely understand. My father (63) died about 5 weeks ago now I guess. I saw him every week, sometimes every day. And I cannot stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. My son finally broke down last week, so give your kids some time. It seems like it takes them longer to process things and it will eventually come together in their little minds. It's tough. Somedays I think I am doing ok, then something happens and I am back to thinking about him. It makes me just want to move somewhere else and do something different. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Like a part of who I am is gone, and I cannot get it back. Try to get some sleep and keep doing the things you usually do. The nicer weather has helped me (seems like it rained for 3 weeks straight after he died). Take care of yourself.

My mom passed 21 days ago.She had liver cancer. She was only 64. I am being ignored by my family...sisters. I went to see a priest, I went to see a chaplain, I went to a bereavement group...I do not feel like myself. When I look in the mirror I do not even look like me. First week after she passed I never ate. 2nd week I couldn't stop eating. Now I just eat when I see food, otherwise I do not eat at all.I am not sleeping much, & when I have slept it has been bad dreams & broken up, not blocks of sleep.I do not know my father. Neither of my son's have cried... yet. My daughter was not as close, or affected, since my mom moved away to Florida when she was only 5.I lost my grandma 27 years ago, & this is so very much worse. I have known this person, my mother, longer than anyone else in my life. She was my closest & best friend. I do not see how I will be able to ever feel better than this, since she cannot come back. I keep praying for a sgn that she is ok, or that she is somehow with me. I haven't gotten one ...yet. I know I am not writing with a good flow, but I cannot think or I will be crying my eyes out again, so I am just tryng to write out the facts so someone might respond...thanks.

[skinnymouse]

Thank you for responding to my post.I did attach a pc of my beautiful mother, but it did not appear .May I ask your age? I cannot stop thinking about my mom, nor do I even want to. I never want to forget her, for sure. My sons are 25 & 20...young men, & not feeling their feelings...I also feel like a part of me is missing, & I think that is why I look different to myself in the mirror. I spoke to my mom every day.A part of us is gone, & it is true that we can never get it back. The issue is how to deal with that knowledge.I keep trying to sleep. I look like hell.I am doing the usual---dishes, laundry, cooking, etc.I wish I had a full time job now--it would make me have something else to focus on, at least part of my days...we have been getting quite a bit of rain here also. My mom always said that when it rained, it was the angels crying...[quote name='SadRN' timestamp='1306034256' post='75945']

I completely understand. My father (63) died about 5 weeks ago now I guess. I saw him every week, sometimes every day. And I cannot stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. My son finally broke down last week, so give your kids some time. It seems like it takes them longer to process things and it will eventually come together in their little minds. It's tough. Somedays I think I am doing ok, then something happens and I am back to thinking about him. It makes me just want to move somewhere else and do something different. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Like a part of who I am is gone, and I cannot get it back. Try to get some sleep and keep doing the things you usually do. The nicer weather has helped me (seems like it rained for 3 weeks straight after he died). Take care of yourself.

[SadRN]

I am 33 and my son is 6. My dad had plasmacytoma (similar to multiple myeloma) everywhere. He died about 3 weeks after we found out he had cancer, and I found out what kind of cancer it was 5 days after he died. It was very sudden. He also had liver and heart failure the last few weeks. He walked into the hospital and came out looking and feeling worse. He fixed dinner at Christmas for the whole family and was fine. I just miss him so much. We were a lot a like. Young men in their 20s seem to not show their feelings in general and are very occupied with all the things that go along with being in their 20s. Your sons are hurting, they just want to be tough. And I think it affects us more because it is our parent and makes us look at our own mortality. They were the ones that took care of us. I don't know. It's hard. I loved what you said about angels crying - that is what it felt like. Hang in there..

[skinnymouse]

Hello again sadnurse.I do appreciate your response to my post.

Can you tell me what led to te finding of your dad's cancer? My mom had been declared "cancer free" on 12/18/2010. When we were getting her alL prepped for a transplant, I requested a bloodwork-up, just to give her peace of mind. She feared having to go thru chemo again before a liver would be ready for her.The bloodwork showed an increase in cancerous activity. Had I not requested the tests at that time, she would hAve had that cancer grow until it took over---it was very aggressive, & before it had been very slow growing & not too invasive. In less than a month's time she had an 8cm coverage area in the right lobe.So, the doctors say if they had not showered her right lobe with the chemo that put her into liver failure, the cancer would have caused the liver to fail (most likely) Anyway.I think thta is a catch-22...Either way, her death itself is not my biggest issue....it is me dealing with her absence.I would not have wanted her to suffer, & given her condition I know her quality of life would not have been good. I am sad for me, & my daughter & my baby sister...us, the ones left behind. I have gray hairs I never hadbefore. I keep having bad dreams when I do get that 3 or 4 hours sleep.

I am 33 and my son is 6. My dad had plasmacytoma (similar to multiple myeloma) everywhere. He died about 3 weeks after we found out he had cancer, and I found out what kind of cancer it was 5 days after he died. It was very sudden. He also had liver and heart failure the last few weeks. He walked into the hospital and came out looking and feeling worse. He fixed dinner at Christmas for the whole family and was fine. I just miss him so much. We were a lot a like. Young men in their 20s seem to not show their feelings in general and are very occupied with all the things that go along with being in their 20s. Your sons are hurting, they just want to be tough. And I think it affects us more because it is our parent and makes us look at our own mortality. They were the ones that took care of us. I don't know. It's hard. I loved what you said about angels crying - that is what it felt like. Hang in there..

[SadRN]

Dad was having a lot of difficulty breathing and the bloodwork in the ER looked like he might have a blood clot in his lung, so they did a CT scan of his lungs. And that is where the nodules in the lungs showed up. Nodules in the lungs (almost) always indicate cancer spread from somewhere else in the body. I knew then it was bad. I knew the ER doctor well and he pulled me aside. Dad had also had some double vision the week before and his family doctor did a MRI of his brain which showed a mass that could still have been benign. But after multiple CTs and MRIs when he was admitted to the hospital, we knew it was cancer, everywhere. Dad had been having some back pain which he thought was sciatica or a bad strained muscle, and had been really tired. Otherwise, nothing. He thought it was pneumonia or bad flu going in to the hospital. I completely agree that I was thankful he did not have to suffer. That is a blessing. But again, it is my own selfish want to be with him. I get so sad when I think of something that I want to share with him and know I can't. He loved me and my son so much. He told me he wanted to take him fishing again, and go on a ride one afternoon. But he never got that chance. And I love my mom, but there had been problems in their marriage for years (they were separated) and she had always put me between them. She and my husband were out of town when Dad got sick, so I was alone with him and my son. And now I just feel alone. And my mom keeps talking about all the money she's going to get back from the cancer policy and griping about how dad should have put his money in life insurance instead of an annuity. I just wish he were here. He was such a kind man. Not perfect, but kind and loving. I totally understand the gray hairs- where did those come from all of a sudden? As far as the sleeping- I hope you can get some kind of rest. The sleep has been my savior these last couple of weeks. When I don't have enough sleep I become a crazy person. Have you tried anything like Tylenol PM? I feel for you. Keep talking about it- seems to have helped me some. Take care.

[skinnymouse]

I do not believe in mainstream medicine...& yet that is my professsion. Ironic, huh?My point is only that I do not use any type of drug. I have not taken any OTC or rx meds since 1993, save for once when I was pregnant & had bronchitis, & the dr. feared if it got worse it would have been bad for the baby so I gave in to that...but only that onceI have cried a bunch today.I do not like thinking of not speaking to her ever again. We spoke all the time....

Dad was having a lot of difficulty breathing and the bloodwork in the ER looked like he might have a blood clot in his lung, so they did a CT scan of his lungs. And that is where the nodules in the lungs showed up. Nodules in the lungs (almost) always indicate cancer spread from somewhere else in the body. I knew then it was bad. I knew the ER doctor well and he pulled me aside. Dad had also had some double vision the week before and his family doctor did a MRI of his brain which showed a mass that could still have been benign. But after multiple CTs and MRIs when he was admitted to the hospital, we knew it was cancer, everywhere. Dad had been having some back pain which he thought was sciatica or a bad strained muscle, and had been really tired. Otherwise, nothing. He thought it was pneumonia or bad flu going in to the hospital. I completely agree that I was thankful he did not have to suffer. That is a blessing. But again, it is my own selfish want to be with him. I get so sad when I think of something that I want to share with him and know I can't. He loved me and my son so much. He told me he wanted to take him fishing again, and go on a ride one afternoon. But he never got that chance. And I love my mom, but there had been problems in their marriage for years (they were separated) and she had always put me between them. She and my husband were out of town when Dad got sick, so I was alone with him and my son. And now I just feel alone. And my mom keeps talking about all the money she's going to get back from the cancer policy and griping about how dad should have put his money in life insurance instead of an annuity. I just wish he were here. He was such a kind man. Not perfect, but kind and loving. I totally understand the gray hairs- where did those come from all of a sudden? As far as the sleeping- I hope you can get some kind of rest. The sleep has been my savior these last couple of weeks. When I don't have enough sleep I become a crazy person. Have you tried anything like Tylenol PM? I feel for you. Keep talking about it- seems to have helped me some. Take care.

[RoseDW]

I'm very sorry for your loss. All I can say is let the tears flow and grieve. Everyone has a different grieving process and it takes time.

My father died last Wednesday of a heart attack. He was in the ICU for 6 days before passing. His death was an absolute devastating shock. He came back from vacation less two weeks before and seemed very happy and upbeat. Then suddenly, he fell ill one week and was gone 6 days later. My family was in shambles after it happened. I slept all day and didn't want to do anything. I was extremely sad/regretful/angry/depressed and cried for hours. I do feel better now after his viewing and getting some sense of reality and closure. It's been almost a week since his passing. I fluctuate between feeling ok/feeling good/depressed/crying on a daily basis. I know that I'll most likely be feeling this way for sometime. It helps to talk/type it out. Try to remember your mother for the wonderful person she was and celebrate her life by living yours to the fullest!

[skinnymouse]

Thanks for your kind words Rose.I am so sorry to hear of the loss you have suffered with your father.May I ask your age?It seems a good thing that at least he did have that last vacation.It is nice that he was able to be upbeat such a short time before he left. I think my mother was ready...she said that anyone in that much pain shoud not have to live, & she felt ready to go to the light .It would probably help if I had my mother's ashes, knowing they were hers, or if there was some sort of memorial or closure...but we are having none of that, at her wish.I keep thinking that my mother would not want my life to go to hell...& that she would say I know you are strong Minnie, & you will make it through this, too.I miss her so much..

I'm very sorry for your loss. All I can say is let the tears flow and grieve. Everyone has a different grieving process and it takes time.

My father died last Wednesday of a heart attack. He was in the ICU for 6 days before passing. His death was an absolute devastating shock. He came back from vacation less two weeks before and seemed very happy and upbeat. Then suddenly, he fell ill one week and was gone 6 days later. My family was in shambles after it happened. I slept all day and didn't want to do anything. I was extremely sad/regretful/angry/depressed and cried for hours. I do feel better now after his viewing and getting some sense of reality and closure. It's been almost a week since his passing. I fluctuate between feeling ok/feeling good/depressed/crying on a daily basis. I know that I'll most likely be feeling this way for sometime. It helps to talk/type it out. Try to remember your mother for the wonderful person she was and celebrate her life by living yours to the fullest!

[RoseDW]

Hey skinnymouse. I'm 20 years old. My dad was only 52. He would have been 53 in 19 days. I was feeling fine yesterday but now I'm having one of my depressed/anguish days. It hurts to think about how things could've been different if my dad had gotten treatment earlier. I feel extremely sad when I think about how his grandchildren won't get to meet him. Or how I'll never have to opportunity to thank him for working 12 hour days all these years in order to support us. I was going through some of his stuff today and found all sorts of trinkets he had kept all these years like the hospital wristband from when I was born. I miss him terribly.

[skinnymouse]

RoseDW thank you for sharing.

Hey skinnymouse. I'm 20 years old. My dad was only 52. He would have been 53 in 19 days. I was feeling fine yesterday but now I'm having one of my depressed/anguish days. It hurts to think about how things could've been different if my dad had gotten treatment earlier. I feel extremely sad when I think about how his grandchildren won't get to meet him. Or how I'll never have to opportunity to thank him for working 12 hour days all these years in order to support us. I was going through some of his stuff today and found all sorts of trinkets he had kept all these years like the hospital wristband from when I was born. I miss him terribly.

[carter19]

Skinnymouse, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, it certainly does sound like you've lost your best friend. This might sound silly but you mentioned it had been raining for quite a few days and that your mother used to say it was the angels crying. Do you think this is possibly a sign from your mother, just telling you that she's watching over you and giving you strength? I've had a number of signs since my father died 5 weeks ago, some people might say it's coincidence but I choose to believe they are signs from my dad.

I read a great book awhile back by one of the people that connect with the other side, I can't remember the ladies name at the moment but if you are interested send me an email and I'll locate the name of the book for you. I found it again 3 weeks after my dad died and whether it was a trick of the subconscious or not, I had the loveliest dream that night about my dad, in the dream he gave me a huge hug and even now a couple of weeks after that dream, I can still feel his arms around me when I remember the dream.

I guess what I am saying is that your mum will send you a sign and she'll never leave you, she is always in your heart, your soul and your thoughts. Oh and I know what you are saying about the grey hairs, I have the grey hairs that have just instantly appeared plus I appear to also be developing alopecia (lucky me) but hair is only hair, mine will either grow back or it's wigs for me.

Take care

Dmc44

[RKWM]

My mom passed 21 days ago.She had liver cancer. She was only 64. I am being ignored by my family...sisters. I went to see a priest, I went to see a pastor, I went to a bereavement group...I do not feel like myself. When I look in the mirror I do not even look like me. First week after she passed I never ate. 2nd week I couldn't stop eating. Now I just eat when I see food, otherwise I do not eat at all.I am not sleeping much, & when I have slept it has been bad dreams & broken up, not blocks of sleep.I do not know my father. Neither of my son's have cried... yet. My daughter was not as close, or affected, since my mom moved away to Florida when she was only 5.I lost my grandma 27 years ago, & this is so very much worse. I have known this person, my mother, longer than anyone else in my life. She was my closest & best friend. I do not see how I will be able to ever feel better than this, since she cannot come back. I keep praying for a sign that she is ok, or that she is somehow with me. I haven't gotten one ...yet. I know I am not writing with a good flow, but I cannot think or I will be crying my eyes out again, so I am just tryng to write out the facts so someone might respond...thanks.

OMG.... it is like you are writing for me!! My mother died 4 nights ago. I had taken care of her for 11 1/2 years after she bled into her head. We both took care of my dad, who had a stroke, for almost 5 years before that.... for 3 years I had them both then we lost Dad.

I practically didn't survive that and might not have tried very hard except that I knew that he was counting on me to take care of my mom.

Over the years she had grow worse and for the last 3 years she was home on a ventilator.

THUS---- I am TERRIBLY torn. She is free now ..... but it hurts me so badly that I think that I am going literally die from the pain.

I soooooo need some sign from her.

The thought that I might feel this way still a month from now is really terrifying. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better......before or after it kills me??????