Lost my dad

[clwright69]

My mom and stepdad both got sick this winter with colds, battling one after another. My mom got better but my dad wrote his off as "hay fever". Turns out he had pneumonia and by the time he got to the hospital, it was viral and he was in ICU for a week. They talked him into a ventilator, hoping it would help, but it didn't. We gave it 5 full days and decided he was suffering so we reversed all his paperwork for his DNR, as per his request. He fought SO hard, had great BP and pulse, but his lungs were just too far gone. I'll never forget him coming to on Sunday when I first got to the hospital and he grabbed my hand and tried talking but with the tube in his throat, nothing came out. I asked if he was okay, if he was in pain, and he shook his head no. I never asked if he was scared...didn't need to...he had told my mom a few nights before that he messed up, that he waited too long, that he knew his time was going to be short. My brothers and sister were with him and my mom as he took his last breaths...the image gives me nightmares because I couldn't help him, couldn't do anything. I'm forever wondering if we gave up too soon, if we'd held on would he have come out of it, did he hurt, did he really want to be cremated??? And I'll never get any answers...so I sit here thinking about it, having it consume me at times, and its driving me insane.

He'd had a few strokes but at 75, he was healthy as a horse, able to outdo men half his age. I am still in total shock two months later. Everyone tells me it gets easier...but its not...I cry all the way to and from work, I have an hour commute each way, I cry myself to sleep most nights. My husband has been good about it, telling me he knows because he lost his dad early in life, but they didn't have the same relationship. My stepdad was everything to me, a very best friend. He taught me how to ride my bike, how to drive a stick shift in an old Chevette, we joked about politics, discussed the weather every day, he dressed me until I was 8, took me to Disney my first time, and Kennedy Space Center and Sea World, made me interested in westerns, MASH. Its like nothing was real until I told him and my mom...with losing him, I kind of lost my mom. We spoke twice a day, on my long commutes, but now she lives with my sister and I'm nearly cut-off completely because they live in the boondocks and have crappy cell service and decided they didn't want a landline...so its not only bothering me that I lost him, but that my relationship with my mom has been lost too.

I am ashamed of myself, that I can't get past this, that I can't get myself better. I even went to the doctor and got a prescription for depression, yet I haven't taken it...I'm afraid to not feel, to not miss him, because of medicine. Am I going crazy? Is it really going to get better???

[ModKonnie]

My mom and stepdad both got sick this winter with colds, battling one after another. My mom got better but my dad wrote his off as "hay fever". Turns out he had pneumonia and by the time he got to the hospital, it was viral and he was in ICU for a week. They talked him into a ventilator, hoping it would help, but it didn't. We gave it 5 full days and decided he was suffering so we reversed all his paperwork for his DNR, as per his request. He fought SO hard, had great BP and pulse, but his lungs were just too far gone. I'll never forget him coming to on Sunday when I first got to the hospital and he grabbed my hand and tried talking but with the tube in his throat, nothing came out. I asked if he was okay, if he was in pain, and he shook his head no. I never asked if he was scared...didn't need to...he had told my mom a few nights before that he messed up, that he waited too long, that he knew his time was going to be short. My brothers and sister were with him and my mom as he took his last breaths...the image gives me nightmares because I couldn't help him, couldn't do anything. I'm forever wondering if we gave up too soon, if we'd held on would he have come out of it, did he hurt, did he really want to be cremated??? And I'll never get any answers...so I sit here thinking about it, having it consume me at times, and its driving me insane.

He'd had a few strokes but at 75, he was healthy as a horse, able to outdo men half his age. I am still in total shock two months later. Everyone tells me it gets easier...but its not...I cry all the way to and from work, I have an hour commute each way, I cry myself to sleep most nights. My husband has been good about it, telling me he knows because he lost his dad early in life, but they didn't have the same relationship. My stepdad was everything to me, a very best friend. He taught me how to ride my bike, how to drive a stick shift in an old Chevette, we joked about politics, discussed the weather every day, he dressed me until I was 8, took me to Disney my first time, and Kennedy Space Center and Sea World, made me interested in westerns, MASH. Its like nothing was real until I told him and my mom...with losing him, I kind of lost my mom. We spoke twice a day, on my long commutes, but now she lives with my sister and I'm nearly cut-off completely because they live in the boondocks and have crappy cell service and decided they didn't want a landline...so its not only bothering me that I lost him, but that my relationship with my mom has been lost too.

I am ashamed of myself, that I can't get past this, that I can't get myself better. I even went to the doctor and got a prescription for depression, yet I haven't taken it...I'm afraid to not feel, to not miss him, because of medicine. Am I going crazy? Is it really going to get better???

Sugarbearbaby,

I am very sorry about the loss of your stepdad. He sounds like he was really good to you. Go ahead and take the medicine. It won't make you NOT feel. It will just help you to manage better. You will still feel and mourn and grieve, but the medicine helps take the edge off the horrible depression, anxiety, anger and fear.

It does get better, but it takes time.

So, can you tell your mother how much you miss talking to her, and that you wish you could talk to her more? Can you explain to your sister how you are feeling?

You will get past this and be able to move forward, really. It's hard, but you will. In the meantime, you have come to the right place for support and encouragement.

ModKonnie

[carter19]

Sugarbearbaby, I am so very sorry for your loss, I've talked to many friends lately who have all assured me that things do get better with time. It's not that we forget about our loved one, it's just that we can remember them without crying or talk about the funny or frustrating things they used to do. A lot of those same friends have said that not a day goes by where they don't think about their mother or father. Take the medication that your doctor has prescribed, it will just take the edge off the pain/grief you are going through at the moment. I was on medication for 12 months and had just come off it in the weeks prior to my dad dying and it certainly did help me with other issues but I can't go back on it at the moment.

Just take your time with things, we can't hurry the grieving pattern, it all takes varying time for each person, talk to as many people as you can about your step-father (at the moment I am finding that I need to speak of my father a lot, I need to hear his name spoken and I need to cry at things that I would normally think silly). I am also finding writing to be very helpful, I am writing about my father so all of the grandkids can later on read things about him that they don't know, sometimes I cry and other times I laugh as I write away, so maybe give this a go?

I really do hope that things can be worked out with your mum, it's rough enough losing one parent without losing them both at the same time.

Take care

Dmc44