My son Dillen

[dillen]

Good Morning

I am new to this site. I lost my Son Dillen on the 5th of Jan 2011 in a car accident. He was only 9 years old. I am struggeling so much and dont know how I can ever live without him. We where on holiday and the accident happened on our way back home. It is Dillen's birthday on the 12th of May. How am I going to maje it through that day.

[ModKonnie]

Good Morning

I am new to this site. I lost my Son Dillen on the 5th of Jan 2011 in a car accident. He was only 9 years old. I am struggeling so much and dont know how I can ever live without him. We where on holiday and the accident happened on our way back home. It is Dillen's birthday on the 12th of May. How am I going to maje it through that day.

Annalize,

I am so very sorry for the loss of Dillen. There are many parents here who have lost their precious children. They will be able to help you and encourage you in a way that only people who have experienced such profound loss can. Please, know that our hearts go out to you, and we will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[westleysmom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son Westley was 20 years old when he died in his sleep at a friend's house last Jan 13. In 6 days he would have been 21 years old, so when his first birthday after he died came around, I was still in shock and made it through I guess because of that. This year, his birthday came of course right after the anniversary of his death and it was a really hard week. It still doesn't seem real to me, and all the days are hard, its just that people expect you to be happy on certain days and that makes your sadness more obvious. On the other days, I've decided that most people don't really care if you're happy or not, just as long as you don't ruin their day. So that's not an answer, is it? Do you have younger children who might want to let some balloons go to send to Dillen? I see that a lot of people on the loss of adult child web site have done that. That is where I usually post and if you want to come there, there are lots of people who've lost kids who really weren't adults, teens and even kids Dillen's age. I don't really have much advice to give you on how to make it through the day except that I've noticed that sometimes dreading the day is worse than the day itself. I build up my expectations about how bad its going to be, and then when the day comes, its just another day. He's still gone, but he's not really more gone than on any other day, or any less. You just notice it more because birthday's are supposed to be happy and family times, and part of your family is gone. It has been nearly a year and a half for me, and some days are like it just happened. I tell you this not to scare you to death, but to let you know that it takes time and lots of it to work through the pain that a child's death causes to his parents. I'm not there yet, I don't think it will ever not hurt. But it does get less sharp and you do find that at times, you aren't thinking of what happened constantly. Hugs to you and I'll be thinking of you on Dillen's birthday. I know you will find the strength to get through the day, as you have on all these days since he was gone.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Annalize

I am so sorry to hear about your son Dillen. The pain and heartbreak you are feeling now is completely normal and many people on this site know how you are feeling. You have come to the right place. The friends I have made on this site has helped me in so many ways. I lost my oldest son Brendan on December 4, 2010 in a tragic accident. He was my son and best friend in the world. I am not sure how we are supposed to go on, but I do know that we must. I have another son named Jackson who is 5 years old. He is missing his big brother terribly and he needs us now more than ever. Please stay on this site and continue to post. The people here are amazing. My heart breaks for you.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[EulogyAdvisor]

Hi, Annalize,

Birthdays are extremely hard for bereaved parents. My daughter died over 20 years ago, and I still sometimes have a tough time on her birthday, which was July 22, and on other days, too. I can tell you this: the first of everything is the worst--the first birthday, Fourth of July, Hallowe'en, Thanksgiving, Christmas--and the first anniversary. And I am so sorry that you are going through this.

The others who responded to you are right, though. This is a good group, and they understand.

It's hard to believe now, but trust that you'll make it through, even though you might not be able to figure out how you did it. I would suggest that you do whatever you need to do to be kind to yourself on your son's birthday. Whether it's releasing balloons into the sky, coming here to talk about your son, or staying in bed--or maybe all of those things--you may not actually feel better, but you can at least try to find a way to ease the physical pain. The kind of intense grief you're experiencing creates unbelievable stresses in the body. Believe me, I know. Some days I just felt as if a street gang had punched me out.

Eventually I learned to have what I call "low-stress days," meaning that on those days I don't force myself to do anything. I can usually tell when I need a day like that. At the beginning I needed a lot of them, and then gradually fewer. Now just a few times a year. But I do recommend low-stress days, deliberately taken, for anyone who's been devastated by grief.

Your pain is hard, hard, hard, and the best thing you can do is be as gentle as you can to yourself. No forcing. You've been through more than enough.

Not this minute, but eventually, you'll be surprised at the strength you develop as a result of being gentle with yourself during these hard days.

Loved once, loved always--

Fran

Annalize

I am so sorry to hear about your son Dillen. The pain and heartbreak you are feeling now is completely normal and many people on this site know how you are feeling. You have come to the right place. The friends I have made on this site has helped me in so many ways. I lost my oldest son Brendan on December 4, 2010 in a tragic accident. He was my son and best friend in the world. I am not sure how we are supposed to go on, but I do know that we must. I have another son named Jackson who is 5 years old. He is missing his big brother terribly and he needs us now more than ever. Please stay on this site and continue to post. The people here are amazing. My heart breaks for you.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[dillen]

Hi All

Thank you so much for the replays. Up untill now, I had no one to talk to, as nothing like this has happend to any one I know. I have a younger son, Keegan he is 3. He was also in the accident, but only had a small scratch on his head. I tried to explain to him where his brother is, so everytime I cry (everyday) he will tell me, dont cry mommy, Dillen will always be in our hearts. Sometimes I look for Dillen in Keegan, I kiss and hug Keegan, but wish it was Dillen. At first I struggeld to bond with Keegan, all I wanted was Dillen, no one ells. It is getting better now and my relationship with Keegan is getting better every day. I can not help but wonder why God would hurt us so much, this pain is worse than anything I ever experienced. Dillen was still alive when the accident happend, we thought he only broke his leg, the accident happend on the monday, he was taken to ICU, and got worse everyday, on wednesday they had to operate, because they could not see on the x-rays why his tummy was swolling. His hart stoped twice on the operation table, and after the operation again, they could not safe him. He was injured worse than we thought. I went to see him before the operation, he was full of morfien, he knew I was there, I said I love you and I will see you after the operation, there was a tear in his eye and he just pintched my hand. I never saw him again. I am so scared he was affraid, affraid to die, I am scared that he is cross with us because of the accident. I need to know that he is safe and happy, I need to know that he is not cross with us. I belief in God, but finding it very hard these days to understand everything.

[Lara8]

Hi,

I lost my 29 year-old son February 1st aftar a car accident, too. We, too, thought we would be taking him home after xrays until the CT scan showed brain stem damage. Even after his surgery, we thought he would be coming home with us. He never woke up from the induced coma and his condition just got worse every day. I spoke with him at the hosptial before his xrays, and he was afraid, but he believed me when I said he would be okay and that we would go home, soon. Jesse was my best friend and only child and I miss him so much. He was a shining light in many people's lives, and continues to be a source of grief for so many. I am sorry for your loss of your son. I know how hard it is, like all of us on this site. I was doing good just after the 3-month mark, but Mom's Day undid me for a few days. I hope we both can find some peace, which is all I am striving for at this time. I do take days where I do nothing, and that really seems to help. Best wishes to you, and again, We are all sad you are going through this awful time. Love, Lara8

[EulogyAdvisor]

Hi, Annalize,

Poor Dillen. He must've had some kind of internal injuries, and I'm sorry that his life could not be saved. I am glad you have your other little boy, Keegan, and he needs you to love him in his own special way.

I don't know why bad things happen, either. Sometimes I think there is a reason we don't understand, and other times I think that we are called upon to create our own meanings out of events.

After mulling over "why" for a long time and not getting any answers I could put into words, what I learned from my daughter's death was to invite her back into my heart. Maybe she couldn't be with us physically, but once we got past the terrible pain, it was possible to sense her presence sometimes. And that has been a loving and peaceful experience. Very gentle indeed.

I hope that you and Keegan are able to establish a strong bond. He sounds like a very loving little boy, and a wise one, too.

Loved once, loved always--

Fran

Hi All

Thank you so much for the replays. Up untill now, I had no one to talk to, as nothing like this has happend to any one I know. I have a younger son, Keegan he is 3. He was also in the accident, but only had a small scratch on his head. I tried to explain to him where his brother is, so everytime I cry (everyday) he will tell me, dont cry mommy, Dillen will always be in our hearts. Sometimes I look for Dillen in Keegan, I kiss and hug Keegan, but wish it was Dillen. At first I struggeld to bond with Keegan, all I wanted was Dillen, no one ells. It is getting better now and my relationship with Keegan is getting better every day. I can not help but wonder why God would hurt us so much, this pain is worse than anything I ever experienced. Dillen was still alive when the accident happend, we thought he only broke his leg, the accident happend on the monday, he was taken to ICU, and got worse everyday, on wednesday they had to operate, because they could not see on the x-rays why his tummy was swolling. His hart stoped twice on the operation table, and after the operation again, they could not safe him. He was injured worse than we thought. I went to see him before the operation, he was full of morfien, he knew I was there, I said I love you and I will see you after the operation, there was a tear in his eye and he just pintched my hand. I never saw him again. I am so scared he was affraid, affraid to die, I am scared that he is cross with us because of the accident. I need to know that he is safe and happy, I need to know that he is not cross with us. I belief in God, but finding it very hard these days to understand everything.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Annalize

I am so sorry for the obvious pain you are in. I am glad that you found this forum because I truly believe it will help you. It has helped me so much. What happened to your son and your situation is very similar to mine. Brendan was 7 years old when my neighbor put him on his snowmobile. I was not home at the time, but my wife was. He was going to drive Brendan up to our garage to grab his helmet. When he put Brendan on the snowmobile he set him down and Brendan's hands came down on the throttle. The machine took off and rolled onto my angel. Michele called me from the Ambulance and said that she thought Brendan would be ok. He was talking and trying to get up only saying that his tummy hurt. His last words were mommy my tummy hurts. My last conversation with my wife she told me she thought he was going to be ok. I was waiting at the ER ambulance entrance and could see them pulling into the hospital when I hung up with Michele. He must have stopped breathing right after we hung up and never took another breath. We found out later that he had massive internal injuries. The doctor told us that had they done surgery they would not have known where to start. We are devastated with this loss and I too question God and his ways. I have a younger son named Jackson who is also 5. I don't have the same relationship with Jackson that I had with Brendan. Brendan and I were best buddies. He was a daddies boy. Jackson is developmentally delayed and has some special needs. He is an unbelievable little boy, but I too at times have hugged him wishing he was Brendan. I love both of my boys so much, but losing Brendan has been so hard. He was my star little athlete. Loved going everywhere daddy went. He wanted to be just like daddy.

Again I am so sorry for you loss and heartbreak. If you ever feel like you need to talk to somebody please send me a message and I will get you my number. We can talk anytime. Hang in there. As much as I question God I know he has a plan. I do not agree with that plan, but I have no other choice but to live with it. We will learn to live again. I have learned that from so many strong people on this website. I know that our sons are in a better place. I know that they are safe and happy and I believe that we will see them again. Thinking of you and your family.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[andy88]

Annalize,

Thinking of you today.

Happy Birthday Dillen!

[westleysmom]

Happy heavenly birthday, Dillen!

Annalize-Wishing you happy memories today of the day Dillen was born. Holding you close in my thoughts in case that isn't possible yet. I know its hard for me, but I hear that in time, we will be able to hold those precious memories close without them hurting us too bad. Hugs.

[wyomingsal]

Happy Birthday Dillen.

Annalize,

I lost my 10 year old son on 7/20/2000. That first birthday was very very hard. So many thoughts and emotions...memories and dreams surrounding your beautiful and amazing son. So unbelievable that he isn't here with you. I am so sad you have to go through this. We let off balloons on my son's birthday...one for every year since his birth. We will be up to 14 this September. Be gentle with yourself. This first year is horrible. I think only those who have lost a child understand the depths of grieving involved. I found that after about the 2nd to 3rd months the shock started to wear off. Months 4-7 I think were my worst. Here I am almost 4 years out and I still miss him so much but most days I can smile now and enjoy living.

I don't believe your son is angry with you. My personal belief is that all children go to Heaven when they pass. In Heaven...he would only be happy and wanting good for you and his little brother. No anger or hurt or fear. Grace and Peace be with you

[dillen]

Good Morning All, once again, thank you so much for all the replies. Yesterday was terrible. I was in bed most of the time, crying my heart out. I tried too look at some of Dillen's fotos, but that was just too hard. I struggeled and argued with God so much yesterday. I asked about a 1000 times, why, why, why but still did not get any answers. I did not do any balloons or anything for Dillen, it was so sad. But here I am today, at work another day. I will try my best to accept that God had a plan and that Dillen is safe and happy in Heaven. I need to love Keegan and spend as much time with him as possible, but as I wright this, I know deep down in my heart how difficult the road ahead is going to be for me. Today I just want to say THANK YOU for all of you being here. I will always come to this site for support as there is no one ells that know 's how I feel.

I am so sorry for everyone's loss.

@Tony, I stay in South Africa, dont know how the long distance calls will work, but I would really like to stay in contact with you, mabey e-mail, facebook?????

[EulogyAdvisor]

Dear Annalize,

You are so brave. Staying home mourning yesterday was the right thing for you yesterday, but being able to get up and go to work today--that is very brave. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, and my heart goes out to you today. It's wrenching to resume "normal" activities when you know that nothing will ever be normal again the way it was before.

Just wanted to mention for anyone who's interested: Skype is available for free phone calls--no long distance bills.

Even though are circumstances may be very similar or very different, the people here understand the loss of a child--it's a unique kind of pain, and there's nothing to compare it with. In fact, there's really no point in trying to compare it with anything else, is there? But there is at least some comfort in sharing.

I hope you enjoy the weekend with your Keegan.

Fran

[Brendan's Daddy]

Annalize

Are you still on the site and still reading? I hope that you are and I hope that this site helps you. I sent you a private message. I hope you got it and I hope your doing ok. Still thinking about you.

Brendan's daddy-Tony