As first mothers day/fathers day approaches

[Brody]

Hi all,

Just in need of some advice in regard to my work friend. Next month will be his first father's day since his daughter died in a car crash. I know it will be rough for him, and hopefully he and his son will do something special that day 9they were having problems in their relationship, but they are working on building a better one). How do I convey that my thoughts will be with him on that day? Or would it be best not to say anything and hope/pray that his day is as good as can be expected?

Also, with Mother's Day approaching,my thoughts will be with his wife as well. I would like to tell him that I hope her day also goes as well as can be expected. The thing is, they are are haiving problems as well and may be seperating at some point, so I am thinking that maybe I should just leave it alone. Again, I want to experess my care/concern, but I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

Brody

[EulogyAdvisor]

Hi, Brody,

What a thoughtful friend you are.

I remember how hard the first mother's and father's days were after our daughter died. My husband and I weren't getting along either. At that time, irreconcilable difference looked inevitable.

One of the things that's so hard for parents when they lose a child is that they're used to looking to each other for comfort, but now they can't. Both are so incredibly devastated. It's just about impossible to give someone else comfort when you need it so much yourself.

The situation you're dealing with is delicate indeed, but the fact remains that your friend was and always will be his daughter's father, and his wife, regardless of what happens to them as a couple, will always be her daughter's mother.

I would suggest sending carefully selected father's and mother's day cards that treat being a father and a mother in a respectful, cherished way. Put a short personal handwritten note inside each one letting the person know that you are thinking of him or her. Perhaps you could say that you want to honor "your relationship with your daughter," or that you'll always remember "Kathy", or something to that effect. You'll know what to say if you give it a little thought.

Getting through this first Mother's and Father's days will be difficult and sad (which is why you want to maintain their emotional privacy by sending the cards by US mail rather than giving them in person). But even sadder and harder for bereaved parents is when other people act as if their child never lived.

So if you feel up to it, send the cards at the appropriate times. Don't look for or expect a direct response; it may not happen. But be aware that you may be the only one with enough courage to reach out to your friends on what will likely be two of the most emotionally excruciating days of this coming year.

Once loved, always loved ...

Fran

Hi all,

Just in need of some advice in regard to my work friend. Next month will be his first father's day since his daughter died in a car crash. I know it will be rough for him, and hopefully he and his son will do something special that day 9they were having problems in their relationship, but they are working on building a better one). How do I convey that my thoughts will be with him on that day? Or would it be best not to say anything and hope/pray that his day is as good as can be expected?

Also, with Mother's Day approaching,my thoughts will be with his wife as well. I would like to tell him that I hope her day also goes as well as can be expected. The thing is, they are are haiving problems as well and may be seperating at some point, so I am thinking that maybe I should just leave it alone. Again, I want to experess my care/concern, but I don't want to overstep my bounds.

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

Brody

[Brody]

Hi Fran,

thanks for the very thoughtful reply. I am always appreciative of the advice I get on this and other grief sites, as you all (sadly) have been and are going through the same things my work friend is going through.

What you said definitely makes a lot of sense. Though i hardly know my his (my work friend's) wife, and despite their marital difficulties (they were having serious problems before their daughter died), I ttruly care about how she is doing. I'm sure their son will make it a speical mothers day for her and that's important. I didn't feel comfortable sedning a card, but I will extend my wishes my work friend for him to pass along to her. I know they both will appreciate it.; When Father's Day comes around, I do like the idea of a card adn a handwritten note.

It is a delicate thng, but I would rather say something than not say anything at all. It's not always easy, though, as I have a deep social anxiery that stems from being legally blind and I was not always treated well in school or in social situations. I am totally gun shy, but at the same time, I need to support my work friend in his time of grief. He has closer friends that he confides in and that is great. My conversation skills are not the greatest, but I do try. His need of support definitely outweights my social fears.

Thanks again for the advice, and God bless!

Brody

Hi, Brody,

What a thoughtful friend you are.

I remember how hard the first mother's and father's days were after our daughter died. My husband and I weren't getting along either. At that time, irreconcilable difference looked inevitable.

One of the things that's so hard for parents when they lose a child is that they're used to looking to each other for comfort, but now they can't. Both are so incredibly devastated. It's just about impossible to give someone else comfort when you need it so much yourself.

The situation you're dealing with is delicate indeed, but the fact remains that your friend was and always will be his daughter's father, and his wife, regardless of what happens to them as a couple, will always be her daughter's mother.

I would suggest sending carefully selected father's and mother's day cards that treat being a father and a mother in a respectful, cherished way. Put a short personal handwritten note inside each one letting the person know that you are thinking of him or her. Perhaps you could say that you want to honor "your relationship with your daughter," or that you'll always remember "Kathy", or something to that effect. You'll know what to say if you give it a little thought.

Getting through this first Mother's and Father's days will be difficult and sad (which is why you want to maintain their emotional privacy by sending the cards by US mail rather than giving them in person). But even sadder and harder for bereaved parents is when other people act as if their child never lived.

So if you feel up to it, send the cards at the appropriate times. Don't look for or expect a direct response; it may not happen. But be aware that you may be the only one with enough courage to reach out to your friends on what will likely be two of the most emotionally excruciating days of this coming year.

Once loved, always loved ...

Fran

[EulogyAdvisor]

Hi, Brody,

I'm glad I could be of help. I guess everyone has some kind of affliction or other. They're not always obvious, I guess.

Best wishes to you!

Fran

[Brody]

Thanks Fran,

Its true, everyone has some kind of affliction or battle that they're figh8itng that aren't obvious. This whole experience with my work friend really has made me more aware of what others may be going through under the surface. A stranger in the supermarket, for example, may seem a little impatient, but maybe they are going through a rough time that stranges may not be aware of.

One of the women I work with is very friendly and atthe end of each client call this week, she wished them a happy mother's day. That made me think, it's well-meaning, of course, that she did that, but maybe for some of the people she spoke to it wasn't going to be a happy one for various reasons. You never know.

Brody