Guilt

[Peter M]

Hi. I'm new to this forum. It has been 18 months since my wife of 32 years died of cancer. I'm 64 and have one son in his late 20's. I feel like I'm doing well and yet occasionally I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. It doesn't seem rational  and yet it here I am. I revisit her last week of life in my mind and constantly feel guilty. Was I compassionate enough? Did I make the right choice taking her off medication? I had this deep relief when she passed because she was suffering so much. I simply haven't come to terms with my role as her caregiver and it is crippling me a bit. Is this common after so much time has passed?

[Missy1]

Each situation is unique, to me it sounds like you were there for her and did everything in your power.

[MODArtemis2019]

Hi Peter, Welcome. I'm very sorry for your loss. I think guilt is very, very common among bereaved people, even when it doesn't quite make sense rationally. Your loss of 18 months is not so long ago, especially considering the decades you shared with your wife. 

I, too, feel like I'm doing fairly "well" and I, too, wrestle with guilt. One way to look at it is that the worst thing ever happened to my husband and I couldn't stop it and I couldn't help him in the end. My mind tries to make this terrible thing "un-happen" by saying "What if ...this?" and "What if ... that?" 

I struggle with the guilt and I don't have a good solution for it yet. But if I ask myself honestly, "Would my husband want me to feel this painful guilt and torture myself about what happened?" I know the answer is no. 

 

[KayC]

I am sorry for your loss, I know 18 months undoubtedly seems an eternity to you.  I want to give you some articles I think might help:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/10/in-grief-after-caregiving-ends-who-am-i.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[Left behind]

You were there for her, and there is nothing to feel guilty about for that. It sounds like you were doing the best you could in a very difficult, heart wrenching situation. We can all look back and feel guilty for things we could have done or said differently. It will soon be one month since my love passed away on the 28th of January. I look back to some of the arguments we had, and all the time I wasted doing other things when I could have been with my Jason. I think about the day he passed away all the time. I question myself on what could I have done differently that would have changed the events of that day. What could I have said or asked him to do that would have prevented him from being where he was when he died. I feel guilty about all those things. I also realize that looking back and focusing on those things doesn't change and can't change the outcome. I have beaten myself up feeling guilty, but I know that I am only human too.  We are all only human trying to do the best we can on any given day, and in the best and worst of times.