Am I driving myself mad with guilt?

[confused_father]

I split with my ex 4 years ago, we had a very turbulent relationship, we were both addicts when we met but when she fell pregnant I done a stint in rehab and got clean, she never could and left me to bring my daughter up alone. Anyway a year later it all got too much for her and she passed away, it absolutely broke me, the past 3 years have been a mixture of anger, sadness and guilt!

I know I'm a good father and my daughter is flourishing in every aspect of life. I always thought that would be enough to make me happy and I am to a certain extent but I do get lonely. The problem I'm having is I met a lady not long after my partner passed and she has been a great friend, a rock really, she is single but there was never any romantic connection between us but lately I'm starting to see her in a different light and I feel awful for it as if I'm cheating on my partner.

We do things together mainly with our girls (they're best friends) and I feel so happy in her company but at night when I'm alone I just feel riddled with guilt even though I've no idea whether my friend has any romantic feelings towards me, it could be that we're both too nervous to broach the subject!

I've no idea how to move forward with this or if I should put some distance between us?

Any advice?

[KayC]

It is common to feel guilt when you are happy or when you find someone or decide to date.  But it's important that you continue with your life and realize that she is no longer here to be that partner for you and if you are experiencing feelings for someone that is normal and to be coveted.  Some of us never do and have only our memories to console us.

Give it time...have you looked into her eyes, lingering, to see if there's that something returned?  You will get your answer soon enough.  I would not discontinue your friendship unless she friend-zones you and you can't handle it.  And even then just taking a space might resolve that.  But don't give it up without first exploring and giving it a chance.  It might be one of the best things that ever happened to you, who'd want to miss that!

Today being Valentine's Day might be a good time to start...flowers or chocolate, dinner out w/o kids?

Here's an article to consider, note the links at the bottom of it to other articles on this subject:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/02/in-grief-finding-new-love-after-death.html

[MODArtemis2019]

I'm very sorry for your loss. Guilt is a big issue for me so I sympathize especially with your feelings. . 

I haven't solved my guilt issues. But I think about ways that might help. Like, have a forgiveness ceremony for myself. Like, ask the universe to forgive me for not saving my husband. Like, ask my husband to forgive me for not saving him. I think about these things but I haven't done them. It's too much for me right now. Maybe later. 

One thing I wonder about- do you think the guilt serves to protect you from the risk of a new relationship? Your guilt keeps you from moving forward. Maybe a part of you is afraid of being hurt again. Just a thought. 

You asked for advice, so I'll give it. You have a good friend, someone you know well. A good person who knows you and whose company makes you happy. If you're ready, I think you should take steps toward deepening your relationship. Make some time for the two of you to be alone and tell her how much her friendship has meant to you. See how she responds.