Lost My Husband

[Christine_P]

I found this group because I googled a search for wanting to die after the loss of a spouse.  My husband died less than a week ago, we have two teenage children.  If it wasn't for them, I am not sure that I could go on.  We have been together since we were teenagers and I don't know how to be an adult without him.

I guess I have more to my story but this is all I could muster up right now. 

 

Thank you.

[Dazed&Confused]

Hi Christine_P - That feeling is common. Just don't act on it - call someone or the suicide hot line if it gets to be too much. I am so sorry for your loss. My first post here was about a week after my wife died. When the more experienced members see your post, they will have better content for sure. Stay engaged here, it will help. It has helped me in the last few weeks.

[KayC]

@Christine_P  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, it's the single hardest thing I've ever gone through..mine had just turned 51, it was sudden and unexpected and I'd thought we had years left together before facing this.  That was 14 1/2 years ago...and I hadn't thought I could survive a week without him.  It kind of surprised me I did.  I didn't see how the sun could go on shining when he wasn't here with his zest and spirit.

I'm glad you have your kids with you, my daughter was 23 and stayed with me a while after his death, it helped a lot...my son was in the Air Force so could only come home for a couple of weeks.  I've been on my own since.  You will learn to do this, being on your own, making decisions, etc., take a day at a time, that's helped me a lot, that and living in the present, I try to do that still.

I wrote this article of what I've found helpful, no order or time frame on it as our journeys are unique, I hope something jumps out at you now and something else later on, not everything will resonate at once as this is ever evolving.  I'm glad you've found this place, it helps to have others that "get it."

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Christine_P]

Thank you for all the information and tips.

 

My husband was only 48 years old, we had so much left to do. He was so very fit and healthy, he ate well and was a martial arts instructor.  He was the epiotome of middle age health. Apparently he was so healthy, it's why his body couldn't fight a lung infection.  It makes little sense to me, and I would have expected to win the lottery before expecting this to have happened.

We met when we were 16 and so I have no idea how to be an adult without him.  The very thought is overwhelming to me.  My kids are 17 and 13 so I will definitely focus my attention on finishing the job that we started by raising them.  That has to be my focus, that's all I can do is to finish raising them.

I thought I knew about grief, I lost both my parents within a year a couple of years ago (at Christmas!), but this is a whole new level.  

[Dazed&Confused]

Don't be afraid to ask your family/friends for help with the things that you are finding difficult to do. Most people will ask if you need anything. Some of these people will step up and give you a much needed hand. Do you need grocery shopping, meals prepared, cleaning the house, yard, car repairs...? It might help to make a list of these things that you need to get help with. 

Everything is overwhelming. Just breathing is sometimes, isn't it. 

Every loss is different. I've learned this, too. They are all difficult. Some much more so than others. 

You and your family remain in my prayers.

[KayC]

Christine,

Yes, this is a whole new level.  I've lost my grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousin, niece, nephew, sister, many friends, many pets, miscarriages of very wanted children, I thought I knew loss/grief, but losing George definitely was all encompassing, it affected me to the core...losing my dog a few months ago felt like that all over again as he'd been my companion the last 10 1/2 years.  It made me feel like I can't have anyone/anything!

48 is very young, we didn't even get to meet until our mid-40s, I'm glad we at least got to be married a while before this.

[Dfan]

Christine,

I can only imagine what you are going through. 

I came here last year. I lost my partner in the worst way possible. It broke me but just as I was able to get on my feet and put the pieces back together, I found out information that just shattered me into pieces and left me in the darkest place I could have ever experienced. It took me some time to put my self back together. Im not sure if my posts from last year are up but I lost my partner through suicide. 

The way I lost her wouldn't really relate to how you lost your husband but I can only tell you one thing that does relate to both of us and I had the opportunity to experience it. 

See the light in the darkness, regardless of how small it is, it is still there. Follow it until it fills up your spirit and shines through your life and your children's lives. 

 

 

[KayC]

@Dfan  Your original posts are here: https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14486-my-girlfriend-hung-herself/&tab=comments#comment-182509
I'm sorry you found out something more that sent you to a dark place.  Remember, we are here for you and you're welcome to share here...over the years I've heard/seen just about every situation possible, you're not alone in your journey.  I do think suicide makes it harder to get through but I've had on line friends who have gone through it and with counseling and helps they've made their way through it.  I love your parting sentence...

 

[Christine_P]

Dfan, I read your story and I am so sorry for what you are going through. That's a nightmare on top of a nightmare, but I whole hardely agree that she didn't do those things to hurt you, it was because of her own demons. 

I am not very religious but I've seen and experienced things and I fully believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones some day. 

The problem is of living the rest of this lifetime without them seems excruciatingly hard and unfair. 

 

[Jttalways]

I am sorry for your loss. I found this site while trying to look for some understanding and comfort. I lost my 35 year old husband in September. We got together in our late teens and were married for almost 16 years. We have a 15 year old son. Exactly this time 2 years ago today, I was sitting in ER with him when he was diagnosed with leukemia. Prior to being diagnosed with cancer, he was perfectly healthy, lived an active lifestyle and rarely got sick. I haven’t been on this site for a few weeks because I’ve been having a hard time lately, been in a dark place. Our birthdays and wedding anniversary were at the end of January and I’ve been having a hard time coping since then. I hope this site brings you some peace and comfort as it has to me. 

[KayC]

@Jttalways  Well I'm glad you are here, I'm sorry to hear it's been so dark for you lately.  Just keep in mind that this journey changes throughout and how you feel today can be very different tomorrow.  The one thing that doesn't change is our love and missing them, but even then, we do eventually get more used to the changes it means for our lives, although we never come to like or agree with it.

[jwahlquist]

On 2/10/2020 at 2:18 PM, Christine_P said:

Thank you for all the information and tips.

 

My husband was only 48 years old, we had so much left to do. He was so very fit and healthy, he ate well and was a martial arts instructor.  He was the epiotome of middle age health. Apparently he was so healthy, it's why his body couldn't fight a lung infection.  It makes little sense to me, and I would have expected to win the lottery before expecting this to have happened.

We met when we were 16 and so I have no idea how to be an adult without him.  The very thought is overwhelming to me.  My kids are 17 and 13 so I will definitely focus my attention on finishing the job that we started by raising them.  That has to be my focus, that's all I can do is to finish raising them.

I thought I knew about grief, I lost both my parents within a year a couple of years ago (at Christmas!), but this is a whole new level.  

You and I have such similar circumstances.  I am sorry for your loss and am sending you hugs.
 

My husband passed away 3 weeks ago at 48.  He died unexpectedly due to complications from influenza and strep.  I would have expected anything but this.   My husband rarely got sick and when he did he was over it within a few days.   I just don’t understand it either.   We have an 11 year old who is the sole reason I keep going.   
 

I think the worst part is that facing the future alone after 22 years of someone being my other half.   We have been married almost my entire adult life.  I didn’t expect to have to face starting my life over again at 42.