Fridays are the worst.

[Dazed&Confused]

It's been 28 days since my beloved wife passed on. Because she passed away on a Friday, they are always the worst day. I feel so damned apathetic, short suffering and heartbroken on Fridays now. Everybody's favorite day of the week. Except mine. I don't sleep much anyway, but Thursdays, maybe a couple of hours if that. My heart is ripped open and bleeding. I feel like I am drowning and have had a couple of episodes where it felt like I couldn't get air. I would wish the sun would shine, but its rays are black to me anyway now. It doesn't matter what the weather is, it doesn't matter. Seems like nothing matters now. I have been almost totally alone for a week now, save for work conversations and the rare phone call or text. Prayer is the only thing keeping me upright and functioning and giving me the will power to just get on to the next thing I have to do. 

I just thought all the other losses in my life were tough. Damn.

[KayC]

It will get better.  I know that's of no consolation right now, right now the pain is so acute and shocking!  But I just want you to know that unbelievably as it seems, we get more used to this as we begin to adjust, it takes much time and effort to get there, but it happens eventually.  I know our lives are never the same again and that's a hard reality to grasp.  But how can it be, with the ray of sunshine gone?

29 minutes ago, Dazed&Confused said:

Prayer is the only thing keeping me upright and functioning and giving me the will power to just get on to the next thing I have to do. 

Hang on to that.  I've always been an avid pray-er.  I've studied and taught classes in prayer, but my lifeline with God was foremost.  After George died, it shook me to the core, I felt God was a million miles away, my prayers seemed to bounce off the ceiling.  I remember reading "Dark Night of the Soul,"  that's how I felt.  I know not to rely on feelings, they aren't a good barometer of anything, more like something to deal with.  I finally got through that time, realized God had been here all the time, carrying me, even when I couldn't see or feel it.  Hang onto your faith, to everything you know to believe.  It will see you through.

[jacqisonteam213]

today it’s been 4 months since Ian passed 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, jacqisonteam213 said:

today it’s been 4 months since Ian passed 

(((hugs)))...I'm sorry I missed this yesterday, I think I was on/off the computer before you posted.  I hope you made it through it okay, I know how rough those days are.  

[MODArtemis2019]

DC, you express the emptiness so well. For me the day was Thursday. But that very immediate association went away with time and it doesn't plague me anymore. 

On 2/7/2020 at 10:50 AM, Dazed&Confused said:

I have been almost totally alone for a week now, save for work conversations and the rare phone call or text.

I know the feeling. There are very few people in my life I can reach out to at the most painful times. I hope there are one or two people IRL you can contact just to say, "I'm having a rough day."  It's good you have your faith to rely on. 

On 2/7/2020 at 10:50 AM, Dazed&Confused said:

I feel like I am drowning and have had a couple of episodes where it felt like I couldn't get air.

I recall some times at work when I would get this feeling, like a panic. For me, work wasn't a good place because there was no acknowledgment of my loss. 

You have been traumatized and the healing is slow. I hope you are taking care of yourself.