Missing Toby

[Toby'sMom]

I too just lost my son. It has only been 15 days and it feels like a lifetime ago when I last saw his smile. He was coming home from a friends house and crashed his truck into a light pole and then a tree. He was within walking distance from home. I have to see that location almost daily - it is more than I can bear. I will never get the image of the sheriff and medical examiner in my living room at 2:00am out of my head. They say he was speeding, and dont have any other information yet. Toxicology will take up to 4 months. There was no evidence of alcohol but that is what everyone is thinking. It really does not matter to me that much - what matters is that he is gone from my life as I knew him. My husband and I are devastated. He was such a good kid, and loved by everyone who met him. Why us? We were good parents. He was a good boy. No one deserves this pain. I miss him so much.

I forgot to mention he was 18 years old.

I and my husband and younger son are devastated.

[charsng1234]

Toby's mom my name is Sharon I lost my 22 year old son 3 months ago. I feel so sad for your loss. My son was hiding runing from the police that were breaking up a party he was shot from a neighbor while he was hididng in this perosn yard. The man was locked in his home with the cops 3 houses away and he shot him through a closed window... I know life is so hard without our baby's in our life I am seeing a grief counselor and a psychiatrist it is helping a little. Shane was my youngest son I had 5 children. I miss him so much I have bad days and some I can deal with. The biggets question I always have is why?? I love my kids Why me?? I know this is the hardest thing we as parents will ever go through. I am so sorry your family is on this road that none of want to be on. When you feel up to it tell us more about your son, and join us on losing an adult child site there are so many wonderful perople there that have helped me get this far, My prayers are with your family.. Sharon

[Toby'sMom]

I have also been asking myself "why me? Why Toby? We discussed all of the things we were supposed to with him. We had honest, open conversations with him about taking risks, drugs, alcohol. I never worried about him being in trouble, because he was just such a good kid. He was a bright, caring, gentle boy. I wonder what we could have done differently. How did I fail him? I have another son who is 15 and I am so afraid of what this may do to him. We got Toby driving lessons - made him wait until he was 17 to get his permit - slowed the whole process down to allow him to mature. Our town's high school had just done the "every 15 minutes" program highlighting that every 15 minutes a teenager loses their life from drinking and driving. My sons discussed it just a couple of nights before he crashed. I cannot believe he was drinking - but that is what the rumor mill is saying at this point in time. It is all just so unbelievable. Why did this happen to us?

[crystalann]

Toby's Mom,

My name is Crystal.I am so sorry for the loss of your son.And I understand about his younger brother.I lost my son Tyler on 1/3/11.He was goong to his grandpa's house and there was an intruder in the house.He shot my son in th driveway.He fought to stay with us it is only two blocks up the road so me and his dad made it there before any one else. I too have a younger son and is not taking it well. He turned 17 13 days after we lost Tyler.It was so hard on him.

You have come to the right place it has been a lifeline for me.Great people here very loving! This will help posting and reading. Love to you,Crystal Tyler''s mom

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal,

I am finding that it is good to speak with others who have experienced the same type of loss. Friends and family are supportive but it is difficult for them to truly understand how difficult this is. They seem to be focused on the peripheral issues - are you eating, when is the memorial, etc.

I think I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life. I am wondering if there will come a day when tears don't come. Mornings seem to be the hardest time of day for me. Maybe I'm too worn out by the end of the day?

I am sorry to hear about your loss as well. A 22 year old is still such a young man... hugs to you.

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Mornings were the hardest in the begining. I think because Tyler was only 18 for five months.So I am used to him being here after my younger to went to school.Knowing he wasnt going to be walking out of his room in is underwear and t shirt.Him not being here with me at lunch.I am having a hard time with the dishes right now.He always got mad when I would do them to early and wake him up.I would love for him to come out of his room and tell me to stop.

I did his service and viewing in five days I dont even know how I did it I was Still numb.The tears will stop being an all day thing it takes time.I wonder where I even got any more tears.

Love to you ,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

I am sorry - I thought your son was 22 - re-reading I see that he was 18 as well. Toby was born in August, so he was 18 and almost 8 months. My son was still living at home too - so I know what you mean, they are still part of the daily household routine. I would take my younger son Luke to school and Toby and my husband spent the morning together until Toby went to school -community college 3 days a week. Toby was not a man and not a boy. I was really enjoying his company more as an adult and less so as a child. I had a lot of pressure to do a memorial immediately. I wasn't ready to deal with it, and neither was my husband. It would be easier now, almost 3 weeks out, but I could not gather pictures etcetera so soon. We are planning an event to celebrate his life in June which will be 10 weeks after his accident. I am hoping we will be at a point where we can truly reflect on his life and not his passing. It is still so hard to understand.

Thanks for sharing.

Cheryl - always Toby's Mom

[crystalann]

I dont know when I will be able to look at Tylers pics.I still cant do it only his little kid pics not any new ones.It is to hard I find myself crying and telling him sorry. I had to do the service family from out of state and the preacher was going on vacation. The kids did the page for the year book at the high school.When I think about how many times all of my kids have gone down the street to my moms house.For him to be taken going to grandmas is what I cant understand.I am glad to see you back.I hope you younger son is doing ok.How old is he? Mine is 17 he was having trouble with school so we got permission from the school board for him to stop school and take the G E D test. Not happy about it but if it helps him.It took a few weeks for his hurt and anger to come out.Hope your day is the best it can be.Love to you,Crystal

[Brendan's Daddy]

Toby's mom. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and I will definitely add you and your family to my prayer list. My 7 year old son passed away in December and mornings are still the worst for me. Just like you said, we are usually too worn out at night. I am generally much calmer after 5:00. I just think I am exhausted by this time. I wish I could tell you that it will get better with time, but I am too early in the grieving process as well. I do know that many people on this site have proven to me that life can still go on and that we can once again be happy. Personally I am nowhere near that point yet, but I hope that one day I will be. The only thing I can go now is let you know that my heart breaks for you and that I will be praying for you.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[crystalann]

Im sorry! Your younger son is 15.I guess I should have read down past the last post.lol. It is the mind thing doesnt work like it did before this happened.

[Toby'sMom]

Crystal - Tyler's Mom,

I am in the process of organizing Toby's photos for his memorial. The pictures don't hurt as much as other random things that happen, like seeing a doctor's appointment on my calendar when I turned a page this week.... and just a few minutes ago an email from his community college instructor letting me know they were dedicating the class project portfolio (graphic art class) to Toby and giving me his copy so I could see all of the images he created. Or, hearing a song he liked. It's those types of things that make me cry. The loss of all that he was and would be. I try to avoid the corner where his truck crashed - which is hard since our town is not that big, and it is a main street in town. I'd like to move, but it would be disruptive to my younger son's life.

My 15 year old is doing okay. He is sad, but is going to school (we are on spring break this week so he has a bit of a break). He has 2 more years of high school. He has a great group of friends and their parents have been very supportive of him and our family. His friends spent most of the first weekend with him which helped him return to school without wondering how he was going to approach them and what they were going to say. His school counselor also sent a card and is also very supportive. I think each person deals with things a bit differently. I think what is hard is that the whole family is grieving at the same time. I have to keep remembering that he is in pain too, and to comfort him - even when he is not showing that he is in pain. He is my stoic son - he doesn't show much.

I can only hope and pray we will feel better with time. May you have a better tomorrow....

Cheryl - Toby's Mom

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

I hope everything goes well with getting ready Toby's memorial.I also have issues with certain songs I always change it.It still makes me cry cause I know what the song is already. I also have problems going to the school.He graduated last year,but still did a memorial page in the year book.They also allowed the footprints poem to be in the center of thr page pics all around it. It did come out great I just camt look at it.I too miss what was to come in our lives with Tyler.

I have two daughters Tiffany is 21 and was so close to Tyler.She has been married for three years and has an eight month old baby boy.It is hard for her to let her sadness out.My youngest is Chelsea she is 14 and in the ninth grade. She has done really well with going back to school.She has been letting alot of curse words out,but so have I. So it is hard to tell her not to.I just look at her and she knows I dont like it.

We also live in a small town only 5000.I dont much like going anywhere. I feel like people are always looking at me.

I did manage to go pick up some Easter candy for the kids and plastic eggs for the baby today.I will have him all weekend because they are going to Tahoe for their anniversary.I am going to try to enjoy it.

Love to you,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal,

You really do live in a small town! I actually live in a city of over 120 thousand, but we live in a suburb with only 3 exits. So, for southern CA, it is small. I never thought of it as a small town until this happened. It seemed as if everyone knew before we told them. The folks down in our local Starbucks, a teacher from a private school Toby attended over 7 years ago, even our insurance agent had heard about it. I also manage an office of about 80 people, and it has been very hard to walk into the office. They all want to talk about it and I only have so much emotional energy to spend. I have only managed to go in for 1/2 days last week. This is our Easter Break, so I stayed home with my son and husband. I am going to have to push myself to get back into a "normal" daily routine. We actually left town for 3 days to visit some friends - it was actually very therapeutic to leave it all behind for a few days. I was still sad, and still cried, but a bit less.

Enjoy your time with the baby - sounds joyful. We need those moments!

Thanks for chatting with me,

Cheryl

[ModKonnie]

I too just lost my son. It has only been 15 days and it feels like a lifetime ago when I last saw his smile. He was coming home from a friends house and crashed his truck into a light pole and then a tree. He was within walking distance from home. I have to see that location almost daily - it is more than I can bear. I will never get the image of the sheriff and medical examiner in my living room at 2:00am out of my head. They say he was speeding, and dont have any other information yet. Toxicology will take up to 4 months. There was no evidence of alcohol but that is what everyone is thinking. It really does not matter to me that much - what matters is that he is gone from my life as I knew him. My husband and I are devastated. He was such a good kid, and loved by everyone who met him. Why us? We were good parents. He was a good boy. No one deserves this pain. I miss him so much.

I forgot to mention he was 18 years old.

I and my husband and younger son are devastated.

Toby'sMom,

I am so sorry about the loss of your son, Toby. I have no clue how I missed your introduction; usually, I try to welcome (although that is such the wrong word) everyone to our community. I am glad to see you are already getting warmth, support and encouragement from others here who have experienced the loss of their precious children, too. Just know that you are not alone. We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

We went away for a few days about two weeks later.We went to Yosemite I needed to be some where quiet. It was nice the whole family went with us.Well the kids and the baby.

I do live in a small town.So small I knew the name of the kid that shot Tyler before I got home that day. I dont even like to look down the street.I dont like to go to visit my stepdad. I dont like being in the driveway.Some one made a nice wood cross and put it over there with his name on it and lots of candles.My son told me that the candles are broken so I went and got some solar lights.I will go tomorrow with all my kids.I got Tyler a stuffed duck and a balloon.It will be hard but I try to stay strong for my kids.

I hope your day was the best it could be.

Love to you,Crystal

[ericasmom]

Toby's Mom, can you post in loss of adult child, or have you already and I have missed it? I am dee, mom of Erica, who died in July of 2003 at the age of 19. I am so sorry that you have found this sadness in your life, so hard I know, but glad that you found us because this place really is a lifeline for many as it was for me so many years ago. Now I am here as an old auntie might be, daily visiting with my Beyond Family. I will always miss my Girl, always, and you will find in the coming months that there are days that shed light in your heart and other days that do not. Hang on during those darker days, the sun will return, I promise.

[Toby'sMom]

I guess I do not view him as my "adult child". He was 18 and still living at home. "Adult" is a legal term based on a chronology not reality. I did not realize there were rules to where I posted... and I guess I really don't care.

Today is a dark day.

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

I was waiting for you to come back.It doesnt matter where you post I will answer you.Dark day for me too. Tyler still lived with me and I agree he was not an adult.

Love to you,Crystal

[ModKonnie]

I guess I do not view him as my "adult child". He was 18 and still living at home. "Adult" is a legal term based on a chronology not reality. I did not realize there were rules to where I posted... and I guess I really don't care.

Today is a dark day.

Toby's Mom,

You can post whereever you want. We truly don't care about where you post. It's just that most people migrate toward the "Adult Child" forum and end up all posting in there. There are parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends who all post about their losses, from infants to senior citizens.

Please feel welcome here. You are definitely wanted.

The "Adult Child" forum name is probably misleading. All are welcome. Truly.

ModKonnie

[charsng1234]

Toby's mom my name is sharon I am sorry for your loss. I lost my son shane on 1/15/2011 he was my 4th child 2nd to youngest. He was also living with me he was 22 getting ready to move to phx az in june or so. He was my baby and always will be. Please know we are here for you I am on that dark hurtful empty road you are. There are others here that can help you and listen to you please keep coming back I dont know were I would be with out this site. Hold on breath and know we are here for you. shanes mom..

[Toby'sMom]

Hello Shane's Mom & Crystal,

I appreciate your reaching out. I am okay. Sunday was a bad day. I just could not stop crying. Being "redirected" just hit me wrong that day. I have read through some of the posts on the adult child forum - I just don't think it fits where I am right now. The group posting there seems to know what is going on in each others lives already. It is also a big group and it seemed too big of a group for me. I am a pretty private person, and it is difficult to open up to so many people at once.

I went to work for my first whole day since the accident (04/01). I think it is harder being at home all day thinking about what I cant change. I miss him so much. The longest we had ever gone without seeing each other was when he was in 6th grade and had "outdoor education" where he was away for 4 or 5 nights. I just want him to walk in the door and say "Hey Mom" like he had done so many days before. It has been 25 days since I have seen him and it feels like forever and it is just the beginning....

Overall, today, I had a good day, and then as soon as I got in my car and my thoughts were my own again, I cried.

My brain knows that I cannot change things, but my heart just cant catch up to the reality of the situation.

I hope you both had the best day you could today.

Love to you both,

Cheryl - Toby's Mom

[crystalann]

CHERYL!

I am so glad you came back.I do under stand about the other board being so big and everyone already knows one another.I try to keep up,but I really dont have anything to do to get my mind of everything bad.I have been a stay at home mom no job.I do sometimes wish I had one to go to.It feels like I sit alone all the time now.Like Tyler kept everyone home.My husband has a job that takes him away 21 days at a time.He was to start on 1/4 but didnt go till the end of Feb.I had a bad experiance with the last friend I let get close.And havent given anyone else a chance since.That was 8 years ago.I did every thing for my family.We went every where together.It was my husband 4 kids and I.We had grown added a son in law, a grandson and soon to be daughter in law Tylers girlfriend.I really felt like I was on my way to the big family I always wanted.

So now I sit alone.It all just seems so unreal. I keep asking Why?

Sorry to ramble.Hope you have a good evening.

Love to you,Crystal

[charsng1234]

cheryl I know what you mean I work but did not go back for almost 5 weeks I make it through some days and I also get in my car and cry all the way home. I have still a hard time knowing shane will never walk through my door again I never been this long from him either. small trips away from each other when he was younger to. I feel so sad for all the things I will never share with him. He is having a son in July, ppl here always tell me its a blessing in disguise I dont feel that way. I know I already I love my new grandbaby but he will not replace my son. ppl make me feel like he will. I go see a man dr lee once a week, and also a lady thats helping some what. I am here to talk to you when ever you need to talk I will check on this board everyday..And crystal thanks I ask almost every day why me?? I do not know why this has happend and I know i will never know. Shane was my baby boy my youngest son. He was 22 and I could tell him nothing but always gave in to him. I am a mom first and always will. well off to bed night to you both sleep as best you both can. Sharon shanes mom

[westleysmom]

Cheryl-I have been kind of out of the loop for a while since we've had bad storms and power outages, not to mention the Easter holiday knocking me down. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Toby sounds like a good boy and it is so hard to understand how one so young and good can be gone. My son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house last January, 6 days before he would have turned 21. I didn't think of him as an adult either, he still lived at home and worked with his Dad. I still cry every day, but not usually all day. I don't think that we will ever quit asking why, but I don't think I'll ever get an answer either. The adult child board is a little overwhelming, I usually post there because some people have their computer set up to go straight there, and it gets more activity. But I have found since last June when I came here that no matter where you post, someone will always be there to support you. This is the most caring supportive group I've found since it happened. I hope you are having as good a day as you can.

[Toby'sMom]

Hello Everyone,

First - thank you so much for your support. It is difficult to talk about it with people face-to-face. I cry while I read these messages and when I send them.

Crystal: I had just told someone that I did not know how single parents were able to deal with the grief alone - and while I know you are not a single mom, it must be very hard to have your husband away from home for such long stretches. My husband has been a great support - we support each other in a different way than anyone else could. We understand what the loss means to US. I have a 15-year old, but he needs different things than my husband and I do. All of our vacations were just the four of us. Going to dinner or the beach or anywhere it was always the four of us. In the last year, Toby had been out more with friends and so we did eat dinner with just the three of us, but it is different now that I know he is not there because it is impossible, not because he is out with friends. I feel bad for my son Luke who is now by himself. Before Toby's accident, he had already complained that he missed seeing Toby around the house.

Sharon: Toby was my first baby. He was just a gentle soul. Always smiling, but was the first to shed a tear if a friend was hurt or if he saw something sad. He discussed most things with me. I even drove with him to his community college the week before he started and made sure he knew how to get there, and then helped him around campus. When I mentioned that I thought I was "the only mommy on campus" he just smiled at me and shrugged - he had asked me if I would drive out with him. He was 6' tall and weighed 220. A big boy with a big heart. I am now finding out that he got in an argument with one of his close friends and that they had been drinking. They split up and two hours later the accident occurred. It just breaks my heart that his "friends" let him down. I also ask "why me?" and "why Toby?" Why doesnt this happen to all of the people out there killing each other and doing all types of other bad things. People tell me that God wants the good ones early. That just doesnt make sense. I was off of work a week, then worked 3-4 hours a day the second week, then was off for Srping Break with my younger son Luke. It is generally easier at work - I dont cry at work because of the distraction, but like you, once I am in the car, I cry all the way home. It hasnt been a month yet, and when I see that there are others who are still feeling this weeks months, even years later .... I dont know what to think.

Westley's Mom - I had a childhood friend who lost her son when he was 21 years old. He also died in his sleep. His mom found him in bed Christmas morning. It turned out he had a heart condition that was unknown. This happened 3 years ago. I truly did not understand the pain she was in. Unfotunately, she passed away last summer at 49 years old due to drug interactions. She was on multiple medications for health issues and depression. She could not stop taking the anti-depressents after her son's death. Her husband said she just could not move forward, and for her time made things worse, not better. What a scary thought.

I think the commonality of our experiences is what makes this a good place to express our feelings. Who else would understand?

Thanks for being here to listen. I have to beleive the pain will lessen with time and that the love we feel for our sons will begin to overwhelm the sadness.

Still, missing Toby - Cheryl

[charsng1234]

cheryl I felt the same way I would see people on the site that were still hurting after a yr or more I also was afraid that the pain would never ease up. But I also see people on the adult loss who gave me hope.. Give me a reason to live one more day I am still trying to be there for my other children but for me it is so hard. I made it today all the way to the store thought I can do this.. I opened my trunk and there was a picture of shane on a jar someone made for donations My heart broke all over again.. I cried all the way home and asked why me?? I do not believe GOD takes all the good ones home I just have to believe there is something more to all of this. I know shane is in a place were I hope he is happy and knows we all miss him and love him. I do know this I am having better days now than I did 2 months ago I know its hard this is the hardest thing we will ever have to do.. LIVE again with the new us.. Take care sharon/shanes mom

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

It is hard but I have found I have more days without tears now then before.

Dinner is still hard for me.Everyone had their own plate,cup,and fork.When I notice Tylers plate isnt there it hurts so much.When his stuff comes up in the dishes I want to yell who used this stuff its not yours.But I notice most of the time it is his girlfriend that used it.I think he would love that she uses his stuff.I have gardianship of her and have since Dec.I never even met her dad and he just gave her to me.Sometimes I feel I lost a son and gained a daughter.

Hope you can have a good day.

Love to you,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Sharon,

My drive in to work was tough this morning. When I turn right out of my neighborhood, I have to look left for traffic - and that is where my son's accident took place. They had replaced the lightpole - seeing it back just like it had been before was upsetting. The little memorial is still there with flowers and poems and candles. I wish I could avoid that intersection, but there is not an easy way around it. I certainly dont need anything to remind me of what happened.

The rest of the day went pretty well. Work is an escape from reality. We are going to take my son Luke out to dinner tonight - it takes us away and uses up time and keeps us together for that time in the car and out to eat - another escape.

I know without a doubt that Toby knew/knows we love him, but I sure hope he is not aware of our pain.

I know this is the worst thing that will ever happen to me. It has to be.

Thanks for sharing,

Cheryl

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Crystal,

I find it amazing that anyone would give up their child. What would I give for just one more day with Toby? Another minute? To wake up each morning and remember once again he is not here is a living nightmare. It is just so emotionally exhausting. I try my best to be as "normal" as possible for my son Luke - but it is hard. He catches me sometimes sitting and thinking and comes and gives me a hug or says "poor mommy".

And, so the sun continues to rise. I suppose we just need to greet each day and keep moving forward.

Have a nice evening,

Cheryl

[charsng1234]

cheryl, I am sorry you have to see the spot were your son passed everyday. My son passed away a couple of miles from here. I try not to go by there its hard for me my daughter lives a couple of blocks from the house were he got shot. I also hope shane does not feel my pain I know our son's love us and knows how much we love and miss them. Well I actually did some cleaning today. I felt like I needed to do one thing I said I would do. I made tacos tonight for my husband, daughter Danielle and my grandbaby Jovanni. I worked till 2pm today have to work Saturday. I work at a credit union been there for about 5 yrs. They have been there for me so much I am very grateful for my job. I hope you and Luke and your husband have a great dinner I will talk to you later have a restfull sleep.

sharon.

[charsng1234]

cheryl I hope you are ok.. your familu is in my prayers.

sharon

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

I hope your morning is the best it can be.I have been in bed for two days now.I find myself hideing when I start crying.I have always been upbeat,singing,being silly that was me.Now I dont think my kids know this me I have never let them see me down.Now thats all I am a giant downer!

Oh and what I wouldnt give to be with him once again!!

Love to you,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Crystal,

I am finding that I am measuring my days by how often I cry. In those terms, yesterday was a good day, this morning - not so much. I feel a bit better after I do cry, but I wonder if that is just emotional exhaustion? There are definitely up and down days, and there are bigger gaps between the my "episodes of tears". My husband asked me this morning "What are we going to do?" I suppose that is the hardest question of all, because there really isn't anything we can do to make it go away. Keeping busy definitely helps. I have been thinking about what I can do when I start to cry.... take a walk? brush my dogs? I am thinking I need to channel those feelings into something that uses that energy. Yesterday evening, I read a novel - that seemed to keep my mind focused. My job does help because my mind is very focused on something that is totally unrelated to Toby - it's my quiet time that is difficult.

This morning we were discussing when and where we were going to disperse his ashes, and that got me very very sad again. Toby's grandfather's and Uncle's ashes were scattered in ocean off of the Santa Barbara coast line, so that is what we were going to do. Now I am thinking about how cold and dark it is. I know that doesnt make sense, since that is not where Toby really is, but it is an image I cant get away from. Since his passing I seem to seek the sun and warmth.

Well, one of my daily routines is to go to Starbucks and get coffee. and sit in the sun and enjoy the moment. My husband walks the dogs down, and I pick him up. It is about 3 miles away. I am going to start my day now. I hope you find some peace today Crystal. I know our sons want us to be happy.

Cheryl - Forever Toby's Mom

[Toby'sMom]

cheryl I hope you are ok.. your familu is in my prayers.

sharon

Yes, I am okay. Not the way I want to be, but getting through the days. I think the weekends are going to be difficult, because my mind is unoccupied for more hours. The first two weeks were consumed with family and friends. Last weekend was the first weekend we were really alone, and it was a rough weekend. I am beginning this weekend trying very hard to keep my mind busy. The continual re-running of what happened and all of the what-ifs don't change anything and make me miserable. My job helps because it consumes my mind the whole day.

Today is day 30 without Toby's smile and the sun continues to rise anyway.

I hope you have a good day today and find peace for at least a while.

Cheryl

[charsng1234]

Hi cheryl and crystal I worked today for 3 hours I made it but now I was thinking what to do? I told my husband I am going to but a new pair of pants and I did.. Have not felt like doing that in awhile, I know the weekends are hard shane past on saturday about 1:15 am or so I hate the weekends they seem so long. But i am doing ok for the first saturday since this happened I also have shanes ashes I know I can not part with them maybe some day its such a hard thing for me to even think about. I hope you both are doing well I am here just a message away.

sharon

[crystalann]

Hello Cheryl and Sharon,

I hope both of you are doing well at this moment.I am ok right now.I did cry all day today.I even started to cry at Wal mart.I havent done that yet but all of the mothers day stuff just got me.I dont even want to face any of this next week.Mondays just like you with Saturdays Sharon.Then the 4 month mark the next day.Then my moms birthday then mothers day.I would like to just skip the whole week.I know it is the first for both of you too.I am guessing you both know how I feel.I am glad we found each other but wishing we didnt need to be here.Arent both of you on the west coast?I am in northern Nevada.

We just heard today that some of the people that are involved with the kid that shot Tyler are messing around my house at night.I dont know why they would mess with us we did nothing wrong.Some the kids and I are setting up things around the outside of the house trip lines and such.We dont know if it will work but it makes us feel better I guess.The kids said they will stay up and listen.I am scared but the crying all day I dont know how long I can stay awake.

LOVE TO YOU BOTH OF YOU,Crystal

[crystalann]

Ok I am on a phone so some times I have to post and read again my memory sucks now.I have Tyler's ashes too.I am sure I will keep them with me forever.We never really talked about any of that only what I did and didnt want.Tyler was the sensitive one and would only listen for a min then walk away.I am glad he had said something to his girlfriend about not wanting to be buried.I have a hard time with the ashes.I cant look at them.I did get up a week in to this crap half asleep no one home.I called for Tyler a few times and thought hmmm I wonder why he isnt answering me?Then it hit me and I went right over to the ashes opened it put my hand in it to make sure his belt buckle was in there.I have no idea what made me do that.I shut it started crying and screaming and went back to bed.CRAZY I know like I said I dont know what happened.

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

Yes, this will be my first Mother's Day without Toby. He was my first child. Today is also the the one month mark - the 1st of every month is going to make me crazy. I am in Ventura County - Newbury Park if you know the area. I find that I am obsessing over Toby's facebook page and his email account. We posted his memorial date and details on his facebook page for his friends - so initially, that is why I checked it. Now I look for what his friend has to say daily. He was also one of the 3 boys with him the earlier in evening he crashed his car. His posts are very self centered. My husband asked me why I even look. I dont know - maybe I shouldnt care. It is just that anything that involves my son, I want to hear. I was sad most of the day yesterday and cried quite a bit too.

I have found that being out of the house and busy helps me. I am going to try today to keep moving and I am going to try to focus on communicating with my son Luke. I have to remember that my time with him NOW is important - I need to make the most of the time I have with him. I don't want to mess us our relationship because I am so upset over Toby. I need to be here for him.

I hope you have the best day you can,

Cheryl

Hello Cheryl and Sharon,

I hope both of you are doing well at this moment.I am ok right now.I did cry all day today.I even started to cry at Wal mart.I havent done that yet but all of the mothers day stuff just got me.I dont even want to face any of this next week.Mondays just like you with Saturdays Sharon.Then the 4 month mark the next day.Then my moms birthday then mothers day.I would like to just skip the whole week.I know it is the first for both of you too.I am guessing you both know how I feel.I am glad we found each other but wishing we didnt need to be here.Arent both of you on the west coast?I am in northern Nevada.

We just heard today that some of the people that are involved with the kid that shot Tyler are messing around my house at night.I dont know why they would mess with us we did nothing wrong.Some the kids and I are setting up things around the outside of the house trip lines and such.We dont know if it will work but it makes us feel better I guess.The kids said they will stay up and listen.I am scared but the crying all day I dont know how long I can stay awake.

LOVE TO YOU BOTH OF YOU,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Toby's ashes are still at the mortuary. They said they could stay there until we were ready to pick them up. I don't think I could have them here in the house - they are not "him" just what is left of his physical body. He had been in an accident 10 months ago - which made this particularly hard for us, because his accident could have been fatal a year ago. He was hit by a car while skateboarding (longboarding) and broke both of the bones in both of his lower legs. He had titanium rods placed and was just going to go in to have the last xray so they could remove the rods in early June. So, the rods are at the mortuary too. He kept asking me why that had to happen to him? Looking back, it gave us so much time to nurture him. He was off of his feet for 4 months. We had to help him do everything. I even washed his hair. It also gave us a lot of time to talk about what was important etcetera. I really think that time was a gift to me now that I look back. Poor Toby - he had such a hard year last year. Everything was looking up. It just breaks my heart.

Okay, I promised myself I was going to try and not cry today. I am not going to count "tears welling up" as "crying"while I typed this!

This whole experience is crazy, and still many parents get through it.

Ok I am on a phone so some times I have to post and read again my memory sucks now.I have Tyler's ashes too.I am sure I will keep them with me forever.We never really talked about any of that only what I did and didnt want.Tyler was the sensitive one and would only listen for a min then walk away.I am glad he had said something to his girlfriend about not wanting to be buried.I have a hard time with the ashes.I cant look at them.I did get up a week in to this crap half asleep no one home.I called for Tyler a few times and thought hmmm I wonder why he isnt answering me?Then it hit me and I went right over to the ashes opened it put my hand in it to make sure his belt buckle was in there.I have no idea what made me do that.I shut it started crying and screaming and went back to bed.CRAZY I know like I said I dont know what happened.

[crystalann]

Cheryl,

I am wishing you peace on this day.These days that mark the sadness are so hard.

I do know where Ventura county is.I grew up in LA county.I now live 50 miles from Reno.

I did leave Tylers ashes at the funeral home a week.When we went and picked them up I was so hurt he left our home perfect and to drive him back home than way almost killed me.We had put him on the TV in the living room but I couldnt handle it and had my husband move him to the hutch.

I will try to get out and do something today.No wind today maybe go out in the yard and water.

Love to you,Crystal

[crystalann]

Sharon,

I hope your doing ok today after last night.

Love to you,Crystal

[charsng1234]

morning cheryl and crystal, I am till here took my husband to the er this morning he has gout and high blood pressure he is in a lot of pain. Its cold and windy here in az. I live in a little town called sierra vista az. Its by a army base called fort huachuca, Well today is a blah day my pain in my heart is so heavy I look at my sons pictures and wonder why? I miss his laugh his smile. I know he will never walk through my door again that hurts.. well my friends I am gfoing to sleep for awhile so tired.

sharon..

[Toby'sMom]

Sharon,

Sorry to hear that your husband had to go the ER. That alone is stressful and tiring on top of everything else.

We visited some friends in Tuscon (actually Marana) when Luke was on Spring Break and drove through Tombstone and Bisbee and I am pretty sure we drove back through Sierra Vista. We had a nice visit - it was a nice escape from day to day reality.

I hope you get some needed rest.

Cheryl

[crystalann]

Sharon,

Sorry about the ER. I hope your husband is feeling better.I always get so tired going to the hospital.Well that was before.Im sure it was hard on you.I hope you had a good nap.I took a nap too after dishes.

Cheryl,

Tyler didnt have a facebook.Someone started a memorial page for him on there under Stuart Tyler Gardner you both are welcome to look.He does have a myspace and we try to check it just so it doesnt go away.He saved everything between him and his girlfriend all messages.She didnt know I told her so she could read them.I think I made one comment on the memorial page in the beginnig.I was so angry I derected my comment to the kid that shot him and his mother.Im sure it sounds terrible at the time I didnt care I might not now.

I hope you both are doing good today.I know how hard that is.I think we are the only moms on the west coast.It gets so quiet on here at night early.

Love to you both,Crystal

[crystalann]

We should all text each other.Then we would have to wait so long for the other to get our message.Just a thought.

Sharon,

I cant even look at Tylers pics I always break down and end up telling him how sorry I am.Sorry I didnt keep him at our house just 10 mins and he would have been safe.For some reason I have no problem looking at his young pics they make me smile and get a warm feeling.

I have a problem replaying that day.Everything down to his girlfriends call it was only 7 secs her just screaming.Then she called my husband and he told me he had been shot as we turned the corner.I could see him on the ground and Lucy next to him.I dont think the car stopped before I jumped out.Any way wont go any further with that.It just hurts and makes me cry.

Crystal

[crystalann]

Well the memorial page is gone.:'(

[Toby'sMom]

I tried to look up Tyler's memorial page and could not find it - however I did see the announcement for the visitation -it popped up in facebook's possible links. Tyler's birthday was so close to Toby's - Toby's birthday is 08-05-92. Too too young although any age would have been too young for me to deal with.

I spent some time today going through pictures. I need to get them all digitized for his memorial. Lots of pictures - lots of good memories. Scanning all of the paper photos is going to take some time. I think there are close to 300.... there were only a couple that made me sad - one was of him as a baby with his Grandfather who passed when Toby was about 6 years old.

I can totally relate to your note about posting something directed specifically at someone. I did something similar. The newspaper (Ventura County Star) allows you to create a login and make comments on an article. The article that was released the following afternoon was pretty straightforward. It just stated there was an accident at 11:30pm and that Toby was died at the scene of the accident. Well, as soon as people started making comments about drunk driving etcetera - I basically told them unless they had some direct connection to the Coroner's office they should stop gossiping with teenagers, since I did not have that information - so how could they? It also made me so mad. I feel the same way sometimes when I see Toby's friend say things like he is having a bad year... boo-hoo. My husband told me not to reply on Toby's page like it is coming from him... I have refrained. But, really people really dont think about how they sound. This was one of Toby's closest friends, and HE is having a bad year and can't take it anymore??? Really?

Anyway, all of this stuff is hard to handle.

I had a better day today than yesterday. At least I did not have any complete meltdowns today. (I am starting to categorize the degree of crying - eyes welling, silent tears, sobbing, meltdown etcetera and using it as an indicator of how my day went. Sad.).

Chat with you soon,

Cheryl

Well the memorial page is gone.:'(

[charsng1234]

hi my friends I did rest today cried a little was angry. my husband has gout in his foot he is doing a little better now. I also had to see all the stupid stuff ppl said about shane yea he was drinking and he was hiding in a yard.. But he did not deserve to be shot he walked infront of this mans back window and the man said he feared for his life and shot him he had 2 dogs 6 guns and the cops were 2 houses away. But certain ppl had crap to say they did not know what a good heart my son had. az gun laws are terrible. Shane also has a face book if you both want to look its shane taylor in sierra vista.. And i think texting would be great!! You both can email me to at schmidtsharon1234@hotmail.com well night to you both... sharon.

[crystalann]

Hello Cheryl and Sharon,

After my last post I looked for the page on facebook and it was gone.It started a meltdown.I so loved reading the things people I didnt know talking about my son.

Sharon I dont think the man had a right to shoot your son.Even as scared as we get some nights if I had a gun I still wouldnt shoot someone outside.I would call the police and most likly hide in my room even with a gun.Stupid piece of crap.Im sorry but I dont think your son was doing anything wrong.I cant count how many times I have run thru someones yard at night.I am so sorry.

Cheryl,

I am sorry people say things about your son too.Drinking is none of their buisness. Speeding can be just as dangerous some times.And him being already hurt. People are so cruel.I am so proud of your strength in getting pictures ready. I am also sorry for your loss.

I have been argueing with my husband lately.Its like he should understand but doesnt.Im so thankful for this place.Thanks for listening.

Love to you both,Crystal

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

People don't understand how hurt we are. There were a lot of positive things that were said about my son too; not only on his Facebook page but in the commentary related to the on-line news article as well. I just reacted/focused on the negative. I have re-read things I reacted to initially, and they are not as bad as I remembered them, but still they have no right to state things that even the police have not released to us. It is so unfair to judge and assume things when he cannot defend himself. Whatever the reason for the accident - excessive speed,being tired, being a young driver, no moon that night, intoxication - it resulted in the same ending. He was walking distance from home on a Friday night at 11:30pm. I also worry that when the toxicology finally comes back the paper will publish that too and whatever is said it will make me sad to have to read about whatever is said. He was a good kid. It is just so unfair.

Crystal - I am sorry to hear you have been arguing with your husband. I think we all deal with this differently - you are probably not in sync with where you are in the process. Losing a child puts such a strain on our relationships with everyone around us. I know how you must feel about the Facebook memorial page. I watch Toby's facebook page and over the couple of weeks, the messages have started to dwindle. Time is passing and his friends are moving on. I know they wont forget him entirely, but it hurts to watch his connections fade. In a weird way, my reading the notes to him has helped me keep connected to who he was. I think planning for the memorial is similar. While we are planning and looking at photos he is in our lives and we say his name. I am so afraid of what happens after the memorial when there are no more reasons to continue to say his name daily to each other.

My email is scoutsgolden@aol.com

Sleep well,

Cheryl