I lost my first born son almost a year ago

[HaydensMommy10]

My oldest little boy will be 5 years old in July, but before I celebrate his birthday, I will be mourning the day he passed away one year ago on June 21. He was my best friend, the only person Ive ever loved this much. I knew it would happen one day, thats the hardest part of terminal illnesses....you know its going to happen one day but you dont know when. I spent almost 4 of the best years of my life with him. He was an amazing, strong, funny, loving little boy. His illness kept him from ever speaking a word, or running up and throwing his arms around me, but I didnt need any of that because he changed so much without ever having to saying a single word. I firmly believe that he was sent to me to save my life. I was on a path that was leading me to nowhere...and fast. Then along came Hayden...I was scared and panicked when I found out I was pregnant, but once I got used to the idea of sharing my life with this tiny person inside me, I was excited and couldnt wait to meet him. From day one it was a rollercoaster of emotions....I was happy and so thankful to finally have him in my arms, but I was scared out of my mind hearing what the doctors had to say and what the prognosis was. For the next 3 years and 11 months, there were countless brain surgeries, hospital stays, feeding tubes, iv's, brain sweeling and even a coma....I prayed night and day for God to just make it stop, take it away and let me keep my baby with me. When I lost him, it was a shock to me. Even though I knew one day it was almost a definite possibility, I had forced myself to believe that he was superman, and that he could overcome anything...that he was going to be the exception. June 13, 2010.....my husband calls my job and talks to my lieutenant....im met outside by a man who is usually so stern and all about business, and he suddenly looked so sad and worried....I needed to go home, something was wrong with Hayden, he tells me. For the next 8 days or so, I watch my son slowly slip away. I beg every doctor and nurse and keep fighting for him, please dont give up on him, he can pull through this...you just have to give him time, he's always done everything in his own time! June 21, 2010, 8:24 p.m at Texas Childrens Hospital my sweet, baby boy is taken of life support....for 35 minutes he hangs on, his perfect little heart keeps beating....I remember the doctor coming in and saying, 'he certainly is a fighter, hes giving it all he has' at 8:59 p.m my Hayden taken his last breath in my arms. I will never forget that peaceful, content look on his face. I thought if I loved him enough, or prayed enough, or begged God enough, he would let me keep him.Not a day goes by where I dont picture his face or hear his laugh. I feel like im going crazy without him being here. I kept his room the exact way he left it, even his pajamas on the bed, layed out for him.Everytime I go upstairs to my youngest son's room, I feel this emptiness that doesnt go away for days. My moods are so crazy that even I cant deal with myself some days.I have tried picturing him with God, with the Angels, finally being able to do things that he was never able to but instead of feeling happy or relieved he's there, Im sad and a little bit angry that I cant be with him. I dont think I've grieved, I dont think I've even come close to getting through the steps of the grieving process. I dont know how to even begin. When does it stop? When do you gain the ability to breathe again? When does that empty feeling in the pit of your stomache go away? When do people stop looking at you like any second your going to freak out and start screaming and crying? Why is it so hard for me to grieve? Am I still stuck in denial becuase if thats what this is, I cant do it anymore! I hate that I couldnt save him, I feel like I failed because as his mother, Im supposed to protect from the world and I couldnt protect him from this, I couldnt take this away and make it all better. What am i supposed to do now?

[hotrod]

HI Haydensmommy

I am so sorry for the loss of precious Hayden He was certainly a wonderful gift and from the manner in which you have spoken about him, it is obvious he was loved and cherished during his short life. I lost my only son Stephen nearly 4 years ago and finding this Board and the compassionate loving participants have helped me to be able to do more than just feel empty and cry. The pain and grief will always remain but sharing here has truly helped.

Please keep coming back Post pictures of Hayden and continue to talk about him It helps

[dwsmithrn]

hi hayden's mom...i am so sorry for your loss...it is devastating....the loss of a child....we always want to protect them and the guilt is there, because we are their moms, and we feel that is part of our job, to always be there and protect them. i lost my 32 y/o son 12 weeks ago, he was sick, and took his own life....i am so troubled and ill with grief, i can't even function on any given day. i spend most of my days in bed, at home. it is difficult for me to leave home, i have high anxiety. my other children are afraid of me and don't like what i have become, but it is not my fault....grief does terrible things to you. you have to grieve in your own way, in your own time...you are in charge of your own grief. there is no set time frame and no set steps, in no certain order. you have to do it your way, whatever makes you most comfortable. it might help you to talk to a counselor. i just started that with my husband on thursday. i think it might help us understand what we are going through, but as she said, we still have to go through it. it is tough, and we will be forever changed from our loss of our child. come to this site and join us...tell us about your precious child, talk about your feelings, good or bad, we are here to support each other. there are many of us here to hold your hand and help you get through this. it does help to talk. most of us are on the adult loss site, so try there and read a bit, then if you want to join us, just jump right in....so many wonderful, caring, compassionate people there. don't know what i would do without them....please join us......will be thinking of you today....diane

[HaydensMommy10]

Thank you both for your kind reply's. The hardest part of it all is knowing that when I get home from work, he is not going to be there waiting to share his big, bright smile with me. Our house feels so emply now that hes gone, like the light has just gone out of it. I try so hard to give our youngest son the same attention and love as I did Hayden, but some days its harder than others. Dont get me wrong, I love my youngest son more than words can express, but Hayden and I had a different bond...I knew what each cry meant, what he wanted, and the majority of the time i was the only thing he wanted. the holidays are one of the hardest, because they used to be very special times for us. We would get together with the whole family and he was always smiling. Now I dread them a little bit. If it wasnt for my youngest son, I would probably just stay in bed right through them all. I always told me family that if something ever happened to Hayden, if I ever lost him, that they would have to put me in an institution....now im just waiting for the moment that makes me snap. My feelings are always on edge, i feel like crying no matter where I am, everything reminds me of him in some way....I honestly feel like im losing my mind.

[dwsmithrn]

oh, hayden's mommy...i so know how you are feeling...it has only been 3+ months since i lost nathan, and i just cannot function...i cry all the time...i can't even get through all the daily routines by myself...i am a mess. the counseling seems to help, and my dr. also gave me rx. that seems to help some...but it sure doesn't take the grief away. i write in a journel on my computer everyday...whatever i am feeling, good or bad, whatever i want to say to nathan, good or bad...just what is on my mind....it is for me, and me alone to have to read and to write...i just need to put it into word when i feel like it. every now and then i skip a day, but i feel the need to put in words my thoughts, so my mind is not to jumbled up.....

we, as mothers, tend to blame ourselves for every single thing that happens to our children, whether or not it is our fault...it in the job description.....i prayed and begged and did whatever i knew i could for my son, and could not get enough help to get him out of his hidden depression....he hid it so well, that those close to him did not even know it....he was an amazing occupational therapist and his patients loved him....they had no idea anything at all was wrong with him...he went on smiling and caring and giving to them, whatever they needed....he was beautiful inside and out....how things go so bad that he could leave me like this, we all just have no idea and are heartbroken..i feel like my life is shattered and i don't know where to go from here. i have 3 children on earth and6+ grandchildren, a wonderful, understanding husband, and yet, i don't feel joy or happiness in anything right now. i don't want mother's day to even come...it doesn't mean anything to me this year...i know i won't get that call from my nathan.

i am so sorry you have had to join this elite group to this horrific journey....it is horrible and painful and makes us tired and weary and broken. they tell me we do come out on the other side, forever changed, but we do come out. i am still waiting on a glimmer of light to let me know that i am still alive to carry on with my family that is here, waiting on me.....i suppose i am meant to be here for a reason, but i will never understand how this god, the one i trusted could have taken my caring, giving, loving son at such an early age and cause me this much grief and anguish. i am still very angry...

sorry to rant and rave so much......thinking about you......diane

[ModKonnie]

My oldest little boy will be 5 years old in July, but before I celebrate his birthday, I will be mourning the day he passed away one year ago on June 21. He was my best friend, the only person Ive ever loved this much. I knew it would happen one day, thats the hardest part of terminal illnesses....you know its going to happen one day but you dont know when. I spent almost 4 of the best years of my life with him. He was an amazing, strong, funny, loving little boy. His illness kept him from ever speaking a word, or running up and throwing his arms around me, but I didnt need any of that because he changed so much without ever having to saying a single word. I firmly believe that he was sent to me to save my life. I was on a path that was leading me to nowhere...and fast. Then along came Hayden...I was scared and panicked when I found out I was pregnant, but once I got used to the idea of sharing my life with this tiny person inside me, I was excited and couldnt wait to meet him. From day one it was a rollercoaster of emotions....I was happy and so thankful to finally have him in my arms, but I was scared out of my mind hearing what the doctors had to say and what the prognosis was. For the next 3 years and 11 months, there were countless brain surgeries, hospital stays, feeding tubes, iv's, brain sweeling and even a coma....I prayed night and day for God to just make it stop, take it away and let me keep my baby with me. When I lost him, it was a shock to me. Even though I knew one day it was almost a definite possibility, I had forced myself to believe that he was superman, and that he could overcome anything...that he was going to be the exception. June 13, 2010.....my husband calls my job and talks to my lieutenant....im met outside by a man who is usually so stern and all about business, and he suddenly looked so sad and worried....I needed to go home, something was wrong with Hayden, he tells me. For the next 8 days or so, I watch my son slowly slip away. I beg every doctor and nurse and keep fighting for him, please dont give up on him, he can pull through this...you just have to give him time, he's always done everything in his own time! June 21, 2010, 8:24 p.m at Texas Childrens Hospital my sweet, baby boy is taken of life support....for 35 minutes he hangs on, his perfect little heart keeps beating....I remember the doctor coming in and saying, 'he certainly is a fighter, hes giving it all he has' at 8:59 p.m my Hayden taken his last breath in my arms. I will never forget that peaceful, content look on his face. I thought if I loved him enough, or prayed enough, or begged God enough, he would let me keep him.Not a day goes by where I dont picture his face or hear his laugh. I feel like im going crazy without him being here. I kept his room the exact way he left it, even his pajamas on the bed, layed out for him.Everytime I go upstairs to my youngest son's room, I feel this emptiness that doesnt go away for days. My moods are so crazy that even I cant deal with myself some days.I have tried picturing him with God, with the Angels, finally being able to do things that he was never able to but instead of feeling happy or relieved he's there, Im sad and a little bit angry that I cant be with him. I dont think I've grieved, I dont think I've even come close to getting through the steps of the grieving process. I dont know how to even begin. When does it stop? When do you gain the ability to breathe again? When does that empty feeling in the pit of your stomache go away? When do people stop looking at you like any second your going to freak out and start screaming and crying? Why is it so hard for me to grieve? Am I still stuck in denial becuase if thats what this is, I cant do it anymore! I hate that I couldnt save him, I feel like I failed because as his mother, Im supposed to protect from the world and I couldnt protect him from this, I couldnt take this away and make it all better. What am i supposed to do now?

HaydensMommy,

You did everything you could possibly do. You protected him, you loved him beyond measure, you cherished him. Every parent wants to protect their child from any and all possible harm, but we are only human, too. We can't stop the cycle of life, even though we'd all certainly like to at times.

I am so sorry about Hayden. Although there are several phases people who grieve go through, including grief, anger, denial, guilt, grieving is an intensive, introspective and very personal journey. You will move forward and go back, move forward and go back, but things will get better in time.

You've come to the right place. There are many people here who have experienced the loss of their precious children. They will be here to support and encourage you.

ModKonnie

[HaydensMommy10]

some days I feel like I might be getting better with dealing with everything, and then others its like everything, every single little thing, reminds me of him. I cant count the hours that i sat by his bed praying and begging God to let me keep him, and that I wouldnt be able to live without him, and when he did take him, I thought, Wow he never heard a word I said! For a few months I was so angry at God and what he was and is putting me through, but now I see that Hayden was my gift, he was sent here to save me and teach me so much. But i just wish there was something, some kind of way that I could have done more for him. I look back now at the way I talked to some of those doctors, demanding them to do something for him...everything they did just didnt seem like enough. I feel guilty when I laugh or smile becuase i feel like im pushing him to the back of my mind and thats not at all what im doing, but sometimes I catch myself biting peoples heads off for no reason, and just being mean, but I honestly cant help it. I think some part of me wants everyone else to feel just a piece of what I feel. Sometimes I dont even think my heart is beating anymore, i try so hard to be everything to everyone else, that I lose time to really take care of what is going on with me. I cant take meds cause I dont want anything thats going to make me sleep or change me anymore that waht Ive already changed because of my youngest son, husband and work...I just dont know what to do. I feel like going through my house and breaking everything in my way until I feel something other than this gut wrenching pain.

[crystalann]

The anger and snapping at people I have it too.I also have the feeling of wanting to break thing.I think I would break things if I wasnt going to have to clean it up.I did however kick a giant hole in my cabinet door in the kitchen.Right next to a hole Tyler made when he was little.So I guess that is normal?

Love to you,Crystal

[brebram]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Hayden. He truly sounds like superman. I delivered my daughter stillborn on april 13 of this year. I miss her more than words can possibly express. However, I cannot imagine experiencing her for those precious years and then losing her. I try to keep my Olivia alive as much as I can. I talk about what she was like during pregnancy and what a beautiful baby we made after. To me, it helps to do that some days. And a lot of days it doesnt, because it seems like nothing will ever take that pain away. And I know it will probably feel that way forever, though maybe not as intense. Take a day at a time, but try to fill that day with good thoughts/memories.

with love, Olivia's mommy, Briana