Members MODArtemis2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Members Report Share Posted November 16, 2019 Objects can be minefields of emotion. I tell myself, this is all just STUFF, just material stuff, it's not my husband. But still it can be hard. Today I was going through some of my husband's dresser drawers and I found this adorable little dog coat that I had gotten for his favorite little dog when we were first together. I just started crying. That dog died last September, and most of our remaining pet family is gone too. We didn't have kids, and our pets were our family. I love our home and generally it brings me comfort to be here. And I'm very grateful to have it. But sometimes the reminders all around me are so so sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 16, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted November 16, 2019 I just wrote about that on my other forum: This place is haunted with memories, everywhere I look. I have large plastic tubs full of pictures i can't bear to look at. A huge steel/wood cabinet full of George and my sentiments. An old chest full of memories from earlier days. Can't open any of them. A shop that has been ransacked and then the mice took over. I killed the mice but can't bear to go through it all and clean it out. Why is everything so painful? I daresay it'll be easier for the kids to dispose of everything than me, they don't have the associations with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted November 16, 2019 Members Report Share Posted November 16, 2019 1 hour ago, Artemis2019 said: I love our home and generally it brings me comfort to be here. And I'm very grateful to have it. But sometimes the reminders all around me are so so sad. I understand those feelings. I would bet this is very common. Our home, which I often think of more as just a house now, is full of him. Full of memories, mostly good and some not. After we both developed non-life threatening disabilities over time, our lives changed a lot--including a reduction of income. So it took us a long time to save for this modest older home with a glorious view of the water and hills. He was so proud of it, as was I. He was a woodworker who designed and built wonderful outdoor projects. I cared for the small garden. We helped and worked with each other. He is everywhere inside and out. Though I have gone through his clothes, his workshop, and just general "stuff," a great deal of it is still here. His hoodie and backpack hang on his hook by the front door. His favorite baseball caps hang on a hook by the back door. His robe still hangs on the back of the door. His recliner is still in the living room and will remain there. Etc. I was talking to my sister and mentioned how painful it can be living in a house so crammed with memories and reminders. She asked if I should consider moving so as not to be constantly surrounded like that. I thought a moment and said, "No. This is all I have left of him now. No matter where I am, I will be in just as much pain. It's better to be surrounded by him than to lock him away." You're spot on that objects can set off all kinds of emotions, but I've stopped thinking of them as just inanimate "stuff" because they are more than that. They are intrinsic to our lives. They are the legacy of a life lived together, both the good and the bad. They are full of the memories that can make us smile or make us cry. They hold our hearts. And so, I accept that they will be triggers, probably forever, because they are tangible reminders of love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Glolilly Posted November 19, 2019 Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2019 I was reading so many grief books at the beginning and read some suggestions of moving versus not moving at first and also later. Some felt comfort staying awhile and some benefited from getting a different home or apartment away from reminders or memories. It is a journey of timing what's best for each to find some joy, peace or purpose in the rest of their life. The further the journey, I grasp items in the house and tell myself my husband really existed. It's crazy how old things matter and new things don't matter so much to me now. My mom lost her adult son in 2010 and then 2 months later her husband and then one dog in the same house. She adopted another dog later, took an adjustment with outside support, local senior activities twice a week ( the van picks her up), redecorating later when she was ready- to keep her spirits up. A male relative moved in with her to help with chores. She's 81 and walks her dogs often for exercise. She's coming on Amtrak for Thanksgiving 1000 miles away to visit me. She's my inspiration! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 19, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted November 19, 2019 Your mom has done well in doing what she could for herself, she IS an inspiration! 13 hours ago, Glolilly said: I grasp items in the house and tell myself my husband really existed. It's funny how time warps and it feels like we dreamed them up even when confronted with their handwriting, items, memories, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rhonda R Posted November 21, 2019 Members Report Share Posted November 21, 2019 On 11/19/2019 at 9:38 AM, KayC said: On 11/19/2019 at 9:38 AM, KayC said: t's funny how time warps and it feels like we dreamed them up even when confronted with their handwriting, items, memories, etc. This really hits home for me. I can’t imagine how all this will be when I’m 14 years out. I will have been without him longer than with him. That’s so hard to think about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 22, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted November 22, 2019 I only knew George 6 1/2 years so I have long ago lived longer w/o him than with him. I don't think that in itself means much though because his entry into my life was PROFOUND as was our love. His love was enough to last me my lifetime...it has to be, it's all I have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted November 22, 2019 Members Report Share Posted November 22, 2019 On 11/19/2019 at 7:38 AM, KayC said: It's funny how time warps and it feels like we dreamed them up even when confronted with their handwriting, items, memories, etc. At times, I have been so desperate to hear his voice that I've hunted through old video files. I remembered that he took a whole bunch of short videos when he was with our daughter and granddaughter for several weeks when she was born. Once I found them, I listened and listened, and have done that more than once just so my my mind and heart remember him as he was, not merely as what sometimes seems a distant memory or something I dreamed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 23, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted November 23, 2019 I only have George on one VHS and alas my VCR no longer works. It was of a Christmas, we're sitting on the couch holding hands during gift time. I can still hear his voice in my mind. I loved it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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