2 weeks, 2 days since my loss

[Reverie84]

I have lost family before, grandparents, aunts, and have dealt with the loss on my own. But... this... is... a... whole different kind of grief. My husband suffered a heart attack and I was with him through the whole thing.

I feel the best when I’m around people. I have been mostly surrounding myself with my sisters. I need them so much. They do their best but I know they have lives of their own.

Whenever I start feeling sick with panic/anxiety, the pain from the loneliness, the very memory of what happened that night. I try not to say anything to anyone and suffer in silence. I know it’s not good to try to bottle it up. I just have a really hard time with expressing my feelings.

I haven’t been able to sleep in the house we shared. I get so terribly lonesome for him.

it was hard going through all his belongings and being angry and agitated when my mom or sisters would bother something of his.

i know that this is going to hurt for awhile and I’ll learn to live with it. I just needed somewhere to write all this down.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, this is so fresh, I can imagine the pain you are feeling...my husband also had a heart attack, it's been 14 1/2 years for me but I'll never forget those early days, I didn't know how I could live without him here.  It's amazing to me that one day turned into another and somehow I've survived.  I don't know how, one day at a time.  Being here helps, knowing others are here that get it, that we all have been living this and understand, that helps tremendously.  This is a very caring group.

If it bothers you when they touch something of his, tell them.  Stop them.  It's okay.  They can understand...or not, but this is your life that you somehow have to get through and it's okay to stand up for yourself, okay to tell them what you're feeling to whatever extent you need to.  It helps to express ourselves, it really does.

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I'd found helpful over the years, mostly through a grief site such as this from people like you and the others here...Il hope something in it helps you today or if not today at some point down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Reverie84]

I really needed to hear about accepting and learning to live with the grief. Because I’ve been trying to push it aside and wait to deal with it later.

I recently returned to work. They told me to take as much time as I needed but I know I have to keep myself moving and work helps with that.

When I start to think about that night and how much pain he was in... of course, I quickly blame myself. What if this, what if that... what if I forced a healthier lifestyle on him.

We didn’t have children of our own, but I respected his marriage before me and the children he had. I knew how much they meant to him and never wanted to interfere with his visitation with them. This past week, has been the closest I’ve been with his oldest daughter and I’m so very thankful that she understands the close love and bond that me and him shared. He is my everything. My best friend, love of my life, we did everything together.

The mornings used to be the toughest, now the nights are a lot of tossing and turning. Waking up every hour to just sit up and look around.

I tried yesterday to sleep in the home we shared. I probably slept for like an hour, woke up and completely melted down.

I know the road ahead is going to be long and difficult. I’m going to fall but I know I will get back up and try again.

Love and healing to you and thank you so much for the tips. ❤️

[KayC]

The nights and weekends were the toughest for me in those early times.  You are going through the pain which is the only way through it...if there was a way to avoid it we all would have but you don't process your grief by avoidance and it's all still waiting for you when you come to.  You may not think you're accomplishing anything with all this pain but you are.  Every tear you shed, it's part of the processing.  The "acceptance" doesn't mean liking it or agreeing with it, it just means realizes this has happened and your life has changed, it can take a long time for that to fully sink in.  Yes falling down and getting back up.  None of us knew how to do this in the beginning, we all find our way through it as best as we can.  I hope you keep coming here.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with his daughter.

[Glolilly]

My sister and her husband spent nights for 2-3 weeks after my husbands cardiac arrest. I express my feelings with my mother who is a widow and now sister who is a younger widow. My mother rely on her dreams of my dad, my sister express herself on Facebook and talking to family and I talk, journal and write on here now and then. I share my home with 2 grown sons just finishing college so I had to make it liveable really soon for us. I knew we had no where else to stay, so not staying wasn't an option. So I went through and gave his brothers most of his stuff within 3-5 months. Maybe you could find something comforting later in the house. I keep comfort in playing radio, gardening, talking on cellphone while in the house, looking at favorite tv shows, etc. I get panic attacks if I get overwhelmed with many stresses at once. So I leave the situation when I feel it coming. Find someone you feel comfortable in calling whenever you need a listening ear.

[Rhonda R]

I'm so sorry you lost the love of your life.  You will find support here.  I agree with Kay, I felt stuck for a really long time, and sometimes still do for short periods, but every day you are healing just a tiny bit more.  This raw grief that you are feeling now is the worst.  It's painful, exhausting, overwhelming and confusing.  It's like being lost in a thunderstorm late at night in the middle of the wilderness.  You will find your way.  You found your way here and that's a start.  Kay gave you some really great tips.  I've learned, you can't outrun grief, it always finds you.  Sometimes it can be pushed aside for a day or two, but not forever. 

[Reverie84]

I hate crying in front of people.

I could feel the grief bubbling at the surface when I got to my moms after work Thursday night. I cried myself to sleep.

A lot of it is silently crying. I do get the occasional “ugly cry.” It usually happens when I’m alone or if I’m with my mom. She’s so comforting and loving. Sometimes I make her cry because she knows there’s nothing she can do to take my pain away.

I try to surround myself with my sisters to keep me busy. My mind is starting to wander even in the middle of doing things.

 I’m so very lonesome for him.

Our home, everything reminds me of him and the life we shared together. I want to go home but when I try to be there alone I feel like I’m going to go crazy from the weight of the loneliness.

Sometimes I go through our text messages. Tonight, I started to smile because I just realized that we told each other everyday that we love each other.

I try not to think of the future because when I do, I get extremely terrified and start screaming internally, “HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT YOUUUU!!!??”

I’m so terrified.... of everything.

[KayC]

You are wise to stay in today.  I'm glad you have your mom and yes your sisters too.

[Rhonda R]

Reverie -

You are in the hardest part of grief right now and you are surviving.  We all remember those days and so what if you cry in front of other people?  Don't think about the future.  I  still don't very often.  It's too overwhelming.  If I don't have to make any big decisions that day, I don't.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time. 

I too read Randy and my text messages to each other often.  It's validation and makes it all so real, we loved each other.  Sometimes, you just need a little reminder.  Your mom is doing the best thing she can do for you, not trying to fix it, because she can't.  Love and support is what you need now.  No one will ever replace your husband or fill that void, you will learn to live with it.  But, that void will feel different over time.  Life is a routine.  As you do for yourself and make new connections you will gain strength and confidence. 

If being at home right now isn't the right thing for you, don't.  Stay with your sisters or your mom until little by little, you feel like you can be home.  We have all been there and we understand so clearly what you are saying.  Still, you can't explain it to someone.  The healing is so gradual that you don't even realize it is happening.  We do it without them because we have no choice.  Kicking and screaming the whole way....but we do it. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Rhonda R said:

Your mom is doing the best thing she can do for you, not trying to fix it, because she can't.  Love and support is what you need now.  No one will ever replace your husband or fill that void, you will learn to live with it.  But, that void will feel different over time.

True wise words.

[foreverhis]

On 11/24/2019 at 8:05 PM, Reverie84 said:

I try not to think of the future because when I do, I get extremely terrified and start screaming internally, “HOW DO I DO THIS WITHOUT YOUUUU!!!??”

You are not alone in this.  I'm 16 months into my journey and I still can't think about the long-term without kind of panicking.  I often still and may always say to him, "I need you to come home now.  Why can't you come home?" or "How am I supposed to do this alone?"  I wasn't exactly a ninny before I met my husband and I'm not a ninny now.  It's not that I can't, but rather that I don't want to live the rest of my life without him.  It really is as if half of my own life has been ripped away, leaving me trying to stand alone with no support.  I even feel alone when I'm surrounded by my family and friends.

I urge you to try to only look at now and the near future.  It's the way I manage to get through the days and nights without my love by my side.

[KayC]

I'm 67 with permanent injury/pain in my knees, toes, and now trying to heal an injured shoulder, I have arthritic hands that hurt greatly, carpal tunnel, can't drive in the dark...I live in the country on top of a mountain in the snowline among trees.  Trying to survive here on my own is hard.  The older I get the more of a struggle it seems.  I have no one nearby to help me.  Besides physically trying to do it all, I miss George each and every day, I miss having that person that cared, that truly loved me, that wanted to hear what I had to say, the person who shared his heart with me.  It leaves a big hole.  I know he is proud of me.  He always understood.

I don't know how I'll do tomorrow, I can't worry about that.  Today is enough, it's all I can handle.  I've learned to do today.  I get by one day at a time, I've been doing this since he died.  I never would have thought it possible I could survive this many years without him, but I've done it one day at a time.  Any more than that sends me into a huge panic, depression, and I want to quit.  Quitting isn't an option.  My son loves me even if he is super busy and doesn't live nearby...there's no doubt in my mind he cares.  I have to continue for him and my grandchildren.  I don't hear from my daughter much, her life is a mess, I think she's just in survival mode...I pray for her.

Try not to go to "tomorrow" or "the rest of your life."

[Jttalways]

You are not alone. We are all familiar with your pain here. We understand the devastation you are feeling. I lost my husband 2 months ago and my heart breaks every time I think of him. I am going to the doctor’s tomorrow because I’ve been having heart palpitations. My dad said it’s because my heart is broken. I read that stress and anxiety can be a cause. I am going to get it checked out because I need to be healthy and have a teenage son that needs me. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I am going to the doctor’s tomorrow because I’ve been having heart palpitations.

Let us know what you find out, okay?  

[Rhonda R]

On ‎11‎/‎27‎/‎2019 at 7:28 AM, KayC said:

I'm 67 with permanent injury/pain in my knees, toes, and now trying to heal an injured shoulder, I have arthritic hands that hurt greatly, carpal tunnel, can't drive in the dark...I live in the country on top of a mountain in the snowline among trees.  Trying to survive here on my own is hard.  The older I get the more of a struggle it seems.  I have no one nearby to help me.  Besides physically trying to do it all, I miss George each and every day

Even though with time, the emotions become more under control, life doesn't.  I have nothing close to what you have but blowing out my driveway yesterday three times and struggling to open this stupid fancy gas can I bought were enough to make me very frustrated and remind me again that Randy died. 

[Jttalways]

I am like you, I hate crying in front of people. I’ve always been like that. Only my son knows how much I cry. 
 

@KayC my dr said my heart palpitations sound normal since they are not accompanied with dizziness or fainting. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Jttalways said:

my dr said my heart palpitations sound normal since they are not accompanied with dizziness or fainting. 

That is good news!!!

And I don't think any of us are comfortable crying in front of others, but sometimes can't help it!

[mcbrash1]

My husband just passed away last Sat. and I'm just numb right now.  I'm feeling so very sad, angry, guilty and every other emotion that comes along with losing a loved one.  I know only to well the journey of grief that I have to travel as I lost my son 14 years ago.....there is no comparison to losing a spouse but it still hurts tremendously.  Although I still shed tears every so often over the loss of my son, I am able to look at his pictures and videos now with a smile on my face.  Right now losing my husband is still very raw and I know that I have no choice but to travel this road.  I take one minute, one hour and one day at a time and know that the time will come when I will be able to smile at all of the wonderful memories I have.

[Gail 8588]

Mcbrash1, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your world is so shattered right now,  lean on those who offer help.  

Having suffered the loss of a child, you know better than many new widows the long difficult journey ahead. I don't know that having that knowledge is a benefit, but it is what it is. Take one day at a time.

Come here to share or rant, we understand how hard this is. 

Sending you hugs and strength to get through each day.

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

@mcbrash1  I am so sorry for your recent loss, and the loss of your son.  Gail is right, you have a better idea of what to expect, having already been through a very grievous loss.  I'm so sorry you've had to experience either.  

I want to share the article I wrote at about ten years out from losing my husband, of the things I've found helpful...it may be things you've already learned as you've already traveled this journey, but just in case there's even one thing helpful, I'll share it anyway.  And I hope you'll continue to come here to read/post.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Rhonda R]

mcbrash1 -

Wow, life can really be so unfair.  I've lost my mother and my husband and cannot imagine what you are feeling having lost a child and your husband.  In my opinion, the two worst losses a person can have.  The fact that you survived the loss of your child and came out on the other side is amazing in and of itself.  The fact that you know you will come out on the other side of this is also amazing.  You have incredible strength even though I know, it probably doesn't feel like that right now.  This road is so hard and long, so many twists and turns.  Yes, you already know that but it doesn't make going through it any easier.  It's still the loss of your partner in life. 

You have every right to feel angry, sad and whatever other emotion comes at you.  I would feel like I had lost enough already.  I'm so, so sorry you are going through this again.  I hope that we can provide you with some support along the way. 

[Reverie84]

Today is my birthday. Waiting for that happy birthday message I know is not going to come. I miss him so much, I give myself stomach aches. 

Coming up on 7 weeks since he departed. And I still cannot bring myself to sleep in the house we shared together. I've been getting better at being there by myself without sobbing uncontrollably. Baby steps. There have been days, where I really want to be at home and I'll go be there. But I'll usually leave before it gets too late at night. I was hoping once I started seeing a grief counselor, things will get easier and I'll start staying there again. But with the holidays, every counselor near my area is completely booked and I have been put on several waiting lists.

I've been very dependent on my mother and my sisters. Sometimes, it's not enough. I use work as a distraction as well. But in the end, nothing ever stops me from thinking of him. I can't help it but bring him up every chance I get. It could be something small, like a song on the radio and I'll bring up how we were coming home from shopping and he sang a part of the song. The little things... I remember so much and I always wish we had more time. I felt like we should've had more time. Since he was older, I knew I would bury him one day. I just didn't expect it to be so soon. I feel robbed and I get angry/sad all at once. Didn't know I could feel so many emotions all at once.

 

On 11/25/2019 at 9:08 AM, Rhonda R said:

The healing is so gradual that you don't even realize it is happening.  We do it without them because we have no choice.  Kicking and screaming the whole way....but we do it. 

I got it in my head a few weeks ago, that no one wanted to be around all my sadness and grief and I apologized for talking about him all the time.

My sister in law, reassured me that it was okay to talk about him all the time because he is helping me heal. It made me feel a whole lot better and like I wasn't burdening anyone with all my sadness.

On 11/26/2019 at 2:35 PM, foreverhis said:

but rather that I don't want to live the rest of my life without him.

OMG YESSS!! THISSS!!!!

@KayC

I can't even begin to imagine the winters there and what the cold does to your body. My husband had rheumatoid arthritis and his knees would always bother him so much during the winter time. If it's not snowing, we're dealing with a wind chill advisory. Been so very cold the last few days. Keep warm and take care.

@Jttalways

I always excuse myself or find reasons to be alone so I can cry to myself. I never cry for too long either. Because I remember my husband didn't like to see me sad or cry. He always gave me strength and I honestly believe he's still giving me his strength now. I miss him so much.

I hope you found a solution to your heart palpitations. I used to get them all the time when I was younger because of constant anxiety attacks.

@mcbrash1

I'm so very sorry to hear of both of your losses. Keep the happy memories close and think of them often. I find they put me at ease.

 

Wishing for love and peace to you all. You're all in my prayers.

[foreverhis]

17 hours ago, Reverie84 said:

My sister in law, reassured me that it was okay to talk about him all the time because he is helping me heal. It made me feel a whole lot better and like I wasn't burdening anyone with all my sadness.

That really helps me too.  With family and life-long friends, I can talk about shared memories and all the things we did together.  They also talk about our shared experiences and their wonderful memories of my husband, who was so very important to them as well.  We can even smile and laugh now about some of the happiest times, which they refrained from for the first several months.  My love could be so silly and funny.  He was so smart and clever.  It's important to me that we keep him alive through those memories.  It's even more important to me that we all make sure our granddaughter, whom he adored and who adored him, finishes growing up knowing his stories and that he would never have left us on purpose.  With newer friends, which I have been so blessed to find, I can help them get to know him by telling our stories.  They really do want to know us, me, and him better through learning about our life together. 

Not a single person I've kept in my life has made me feel that I'm a burden or that I'm talking about him too much.  He is still and always will be so very present in my life that I have no room for anyone who doesn't understand that.  I am "me," but I am still "us" as well.  I did have to boot a couple of casual friends because their way of dealing with being uncomfortable with my grief was to pretend that my husband never existed at all, as if 35 years of my life never happened, and as if my grief is just too inconvenient for them to handle.  Fine.  I don't want or need anyone in my life who feels that way.

Everything you are feeling, thinking, and doing is 100% normal.  Please keep coming here to talk, to rant, to ask, and to just be with people who "get it" in ways no one else in the world possibly can.  This forum and the members here almost literally saved my life a year ago when I was floundering around hopeless and despairing.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Reverie84 said:

Today is my birthday. Waiting for that happy birthday message I know is not going to come.

I wish I'd known when I was on here yesterday but happy belated birthday...how did you do?  My first birthday without George was horrid, no one remembered it at least not on the day.  I cried myself to sleep as it was such a disparity with when he was here.  I hope yours went better.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish I'd known when I was on here yesterday but happy belated birthday...how did you do?  My first birthday without George was horrid, no one remembered it at least not on the day. 

That was another way I was lucky.  In our family, we rarely send flowers to each other.  Though I received many, many calls, cards, emails, texts, etc. in the weeks after my husband died, I actually only received flowers from a total stranger (a story I related last year).  But on my birthday, 1 month after he died, I received two beautiful bouquets from family that had been ordered from a local florist.  I also received calls and cards.  Then on his birthday just a few weeks after that, more cards, calls, and emails, including an adorably silly picture of my sister's husband playing with their dog.  She said she hoped it didn't upset me, but she was desperate to find something for me that might make me smile for just a moment.

22 hours ago, Reverie84 said:

Today is my birthday.

Allow me also to add a belated birthday wish.  I know the gut wrenching pain of that first one.  There is nothing we can say or do to make it better for you, but please know we are thinking of you, sending you as much warmth and comfort as we can, and understand how hard the day was for you.  Just hold on and keep breathing.  That is all you should ask of yourself right now.

[Jttalways]

@Reverie84 I know there is 1 person you want a birthday wish from, but please allow me to wish you a happy belated birthday.

Next month is my wedding anniversary on the 18th, then my birthday on the 26th, and my husband’s bday on the 31st. Yes, all in 1 month. Hooray for me, next month is going to be fantastic! *dripping in sarcasm*

I’ve been having chest pains in addition to the palpitations. Doctor doesn’t think it’s anything serious. Honestly it’s probably because my heart is broken. I’m still very much in love with my husband. I can’t keep pretending that my husband is only gone “temporarily,” like he’s just away at the hospital or something. Reality is setting in but I’m still refusing to accept it. He is in my dreams every night.

 

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I did have to boot a couple of casual friends because their way of dealing with being uncomfortable with my grief was to pretend that my husband never existed at all, as if 35 years of my life never happened, and as if my grief is just too inconvenient for them to handle.  Fine.  I don't want or need anyone in my life who feels that way.

 

I do not understand this. Why on earth would people act this way? Sometimes when i speak to people i think they wait for me to bring my husband up first because they dont want to "upset" me. Which is fine, i get it. But if they didnt want to talk about my husband because it made them uncomfortable, well I'd be like you and tell em to go piss off. 1 of my husband's best friends calls me up once in a while drunk. He would always drunk dial my husband. On weekends, 2am my husband's phone would ring and he'd say "oh its so&so" and his best friend would tell him how much he loved him and my husband would say "yeah man, i love you too. talk to you later, have a good night." Now i get these calls. So i listen while my husband's best friend slurs about how much my husband meant to him and what a good friend he was. It always ends with him starting to cry so he hurriedly excuses himself off the phone. 

[KayC]

foreverhis, how sweet of your sister!

12 hours ago, Jttalways said:

But if they didnt want to talk about my husband because it made them uncomfortable, well I'd be like you and tell em to go piss off.

I can always count on you to say how your really feel, brought me an unexpected smile.

12 hours ago, Jttalways said:

It always ends with him starting to cry so he hurriedly excuses himself off the phone.

Does it bother you when he calls drunk and slurridly carries on?  If so, maybe you could ask him to call you back the next day?  If it doesn't bother you, fine.  Just doesn't seem you need that on top of everything but I guess in his own way that's his grief showing through too.